


Wait For Me

by Zacia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accountant!Castiel, Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Drama, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Up, Jealousy, M/M, Slow Build, Some angst, Teen!Castiel, Teen!Dean, Unrequited Love, after graduation, mechanic!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 13:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 121,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2653871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zacia/pseuds/Zacia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started when Dean tried to save Castiel from some bullies in kindergarten. They were like brothers and stuck together regardless of their differences, but that was all going to change. Especially, when Castiel begins to realize his not so brotherly feelings for his friend.</p><p>(Will be edited soon)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

         Castiel's first day at kindergarten was awful. Well, he wouldn't say it was the worst since he had nothing to compare it to, but he was pretty sure the entire class wasn't laughing with him during his introduction. He wanted to go back home, but his mother didn't really seem to notice him when he was there and his father was always busy. It happened when you had a lot of children; there were some that just got forgotten once in a while. Castiel was one of them. He understood that. Twelve children was very taxing, and he being one of the youngest and quietest meant he didn't get notice a lot.

        Nobody would have noticed him in class either, if it hadn't been for the “All About Me” activity. They were supposed to say their name, favorite color and what they like to do. Castiel Novak apparently sounded funny as it got a lot of them to giggle, but it wasn't until he told them he liked watching bees that they began to laugh. Well, not right away. It wasn't until a boy started buzzing loudly that the class started laughing. It didn't make Castiel feel good when they all laughed and he couldn't wait for recess to begin.

        Recess wasn't any better. Some kids buzzed at him, as he tried to find a nice place to sit and look at the trees. He didn't know why they liked buzzing so much, but he didn't appreciate it. He looked around at all the other children in the playground and sighed. He would much rather be home helping the gardener tend the gardens. He just didn't understand why his older siblings has said recess was the best; it was noisy and other children kept bothering him.

        Some approached him saying something about him that made all the children laugh but ran away before explaining the joke to him. Castiel didn't understand what was so funny, but he smiled at them hoping he didn't just miss a good joke. Gabriel, one of his older brothers, once told him that he tended to do that.

        It was because of Gabriel that he found himself in this sort of predicament. Gabriel was in fourth grade and had grown quite a name for himself. Unfortunately, it wasn't the good kind as these boys looked anything but friendly, They talked about how annoying his brother was and how he made them look like fools. Castiel didn't see why they had to interrupt his recess to tell him about that, but they did so anyway. It wasn't like they interrupted much anyway seeing as he didn't feel particularly inclined to play around like the other children. He would rather just watch the birds, but these boys scared them all away.

        They talked about getting Gabriel back by using Castiel, which he didn't understand either, but he didn't want to question them. They informed him that they didn't have much time and that he should meet them after school at the gate or he was going to die. Castiel didn't like the sound of that. He didn't want to die. The boys left before Gabriel finally found him but he didn't say a word to him. The boys had, also, told him to keep it a secret or he was dead. Castiel very much liked living.

        So, when he his brothers, Gadreel, Gabriel; and the twins, Anna and Hannah, were walking home holding each other hands like their mother told them to, Castiel just slipped away. He should probably be sad Anna didn't notice the absence of his hand but he guessed she had homework to worry about. His mother told him he wouldn't be getting lots of homework until he was at the twin's grade. Besides, he always made their line too wide for the sidewalk and would probably have to walk behind them anyway. Their home was only a few streets over so, he would be back in time before his mother realized he was missing. Hopefully.

       They were waiting for him just as they said. Castiel was glad he wasn't going to die now and they even said they were going to have fun. He wondered if they would play a game. He hoped they wouldn't take too long because he did have to get home. He didn't want his family to worry.

        The boys laughed as they walked down an unfamiliar path in the woods behind the school. He began to see houses in the distance to his right but didn't say a word, even though he had many questions. The boys had questions too it seemed. They asked how many siblings he had and he answered honestly. They said some things he didn't quite understand about his parents and they laughed so much about it. He just ignored it.

       Dean was waiting for his dad to come pick him up but was shocked to see his mother had come. His father said he was getting off work early just to pick him up on his first day of school. Why wasn't he here? Giving him an apologetic look, his mother explained how his dad had to work a little longer than expected. Dean nodded in understanding. Dad was just working hard because he loved them. Dean told his mother that, hoping she understood that as well, but she just smiled a little sad and nodded. She said that he was just too mature for his age. It was then that Dean noticed the older boys by the gate.

        His mother was worried when she saw the boy being led back towards the school. Dean knew that boy. He was in his class, Cas something. He remembered the boy because he went to school in a little suit. A suit! It had a tie and everything and his hair clearly had some gel in it or something. He looked like a little business man. Not only that, but he remembered the kid said something about liking to watch bees. It was the weirdest thing. The kid was weird but he seemed like he needed some help and his mom did look worried for the kid.

        Dean told her not to worry, that he would see what was going on, and took off. It only made her worry more. Hastily parking the car, his mom jumped out of the car and looked to see where her son ran off too. She didn't want her little boy getting hurt but she couldn't leave Sammy alone in the car. She had to unbuckle him, get him in her arms and find Dean.

        "See that shack. It's haunted." One of the boys told Castiel. "I dare you to go in."

         "Why?" Castiel couldn't see the point. If it was haunted, wouldn't that mean they should stay away? Lucifer told him that haunted meant ghosts were there and ghosts were scary. He hoped the boys would reconsider.

       "Because I said so!" The boy told him giving him a push towards it. "Unless, you're chicken."

        The two boys began making noises like chickens and flapping their bent arms like wings. Castiel cocked his head to the side. What did they mean he's a chicken? He was clearly human.

        "What are you doing?" Another boy asked appearing out of nowhere. He was a handsome boy that made Castiel wonder about watching people as well. Apparently, there was some beauty to behold in human form. Usually, he was content with just watching nature but as he noticed the sun peaking through the leaves and branches up high onto the freckled face of this light-haired child, he found humans were just as interesting as any other animal. His hair shined in the light as if giving off a light of its own. The green in his eyes were like moss on a tree. It was like nature was reflected in this boy, it was so amazing that Castiel couldn't help but stare.

        "Is that your friend?" One of the boys asked. "Or is he another brother of yours?"

        "No, he's not my brother." Castiel informed them as the newcomer shouted at them to leave him alone. The boys shook their head amused. They were much bigger than the child being fourth graders and all.

        "Why don't you mind your own business, little baby?" One spat and pushed Castiel back towards the haunted shack. Castiel didn't like the idea that he'd have to go in that shack. It didn't look safe at all. It was almost like it would crumble at any moment.

        "I'm not a baby." The new boy told them marching up to the two older boys as confident as could be. Castiel didn't understand why he was so confident. The two boys were clearly larger and if an altercation was to occur, Castiel was sure they would win.

         "Then prove it." One of the older boys teased with a big smile on his face. "Since Casteel is too chicken"

        "It's Castiel and I don't know why you think I am a bird." Castiel spoke in a matter of fact tone not seeing why the boys kept referring to him as some sort of poultry. The boys seemed shocked by what he had said and stared at him long before one sighed.

        "This kid is weird."

        "Fine. I'll go." The new boy told the older kids puffing up his chest.

        "Oooh." One snickered as the other giggled in delight. "Little baby has a backbone."

        The new boy pressed by them and walked towards the shack. He began slowing down as he neared the shack, though, seeming to become less brave as he got closer. The older boys began to taunt him calling him scared and just a baby. Castiel frowned. He didn't want to go their either but he knew he would have been too scared to go alone. This boy, no older than he, was trying to attempt just that so that he wouldn't have too. He was really brave and the older boys hadn't even attempted it. It was hardly fair to call him scared under those circumstances.

        He couldn't just let him do this alone. It was because of him that he was faced with such a task. Castiel found himself walking towards the boy and soon, he was standing next to him. He could hear the boy's heavy breathing. He was scared and he was sure the boy's heart was racing just as his. When the boy took a step, he followed. Regardless of how slow the boy went, Castiel was at his side.

       "What are you doing?" The boy hissed once he realized he had company.

        "The place is haunted." Castiel told him with a worried look. "You wouldn't want to go alone."

        They walked together, slowly, towards the door. Castiel told the boy if he was afraid, he could hold his hand. The boy refused telling him that he wasn't afraid at all. He told him he was only walking slow because he thought Castiel was afraid. Castiel nodded. He was afraid. He was really happy the boy thought about his feelings.

        The older boys whined that they were walking too slow. Perhaps they were but Castiel was in no rush to go into the creepy shack. He could see by the corner of his eyes that the new boy was looking over at him. He moved his hand closer to his. Castiel almost held his breath. Was the boy wanting to hold his hand? Did he notice how nervous he was and was trying to comfort him? This boy truly was the kindest boy he had ever met. Little did he know, Dean was actually just trying to comfort himself and was just as frightened as he, if not more. However, their hands never got the chance to touch as someone's shouting gained their attention.

         "Dean! There you are!" A woman's voice made all the children jump. Turning around, Castiel saw a woman with long blonde hair holding a baby in her arms. She was a beautiful, slender woman with wise looking blue eyes. The baby in her arms looked to be a year old at least and was most likely a boy. Castiel wasn't sure. It was hard to tell with babies. "What are you kids doing? This isn't school property! Where are your parents?"

        The older boys wasted no time to run away from her before she could catch them. The woman was holding a baby and couldn't chase them even if she wanted to. Sighing heavily, she walked over to the new boy, Dean, and inspected him. Dean pouted still shivering slightly from what he almost had to do. He was tough though, standing tall and making sure Castiel didn't notice how scared he was. Once his mother was satisfied no damage was done, she looked towards Castiel.

        "Is he alright?"

        "They wanted him to go into the haunted shack." Dean's voice betrayed him quivering and sounding like a whine instead of a statement. Dean bit his bottom lip. He wasn't a baby. He really wasn't.

        "Oh, Dean." His mother smiled sweetly to him as she reached out her free arm to pull him closer into a hug. She petted his hair with her free hand as his brother giggled and pulled some of the strands. "That shed isn't haunted. It's just old. Don't worry." It was then his baby brother turned his interest to Castiel, who was still awkwardly standing a small distance from the loving family. Dean's mother followed the baby's gaze to him and smiled just as warmly to him as she had done to her own son. "And who might you be?"

        "Castiel Novak, mam." He greeted extending his hand to shake hers. Dean's mother was surprised by how polite the child was. Untangling herself from Dean, she hesitantly moved forward to shake the young boy's hand. "Pleased to meet you."

        "Oh, so polite." She couldn't believe there was such a well spoken child in Dean's grade. He even wore a little suit. How proper! She smiled at him and petted his hair. "Castiel is a name of an angel did you know that?" The boy nodded softly and waved a little at the baby, who seemed to enjoy the attention. Dean smiled a little. He was Sammy approved. "Well, let's get you home. Your mom is probably worried sick."

        "She usually doesn't notice." Castiel told her honestly. His mother was always so busy with all the other children. It was easy to forget to check for one.

        Mary did not understand this at all. She only had two children and couldn't imagine why a mother may forget one of her children. Her eyes soften as she looked at the little boy all dressed up in his little blue tie and black jacket. Who could ever forget such a cute boy? She grabbed her son's hand softly and motioned towards Castiel.

        "Dean hold his hand."

        "But mom." Dean looked upset that he may have to hold the other boy's hand.

        "Dean." All it took was his mother speaking more firmly and he was grabbing Castiel's hand roughly. It didn't matter how rough Dean grabbed his hand initially, Castiel felt safe holding the boy's hand. He knew he would never forget the warmth that hand held.

        When he arrived home, his mother was shocked to see he had been missing. She berated Lucifer for not counting all of them before she came home. Lucifer was the oldest at the home, seeing as Michael had just left for college a few months prior. A senior in high school, Lucifer was tasked at making sure all his siblings were accounted for. Their mother was so busy when they came home and had to rely on the older children to watch the younger ones at times. She cried when she hugged Castiel and thanked Mary profusely.

        Mary really liked Castiel. He didn't speak like a child at all and he was very pleasant to be around. She was sure Dean would do well with a friend like him. She offered to watch some of the children, if it was too much for his mother to handle. She wouldn't mind watching two or three just to lighten the load since she stayed at home. Castiel hoped his mother would say yes. He really liked Dean and really wanted to be his friend but his mother had too much pride and refused.

        That night she talked to his father about hiring a nanny and getting another maid. The maid they had only came on weekdays and would clean for two hours and leave. Weekends were the worse because that many children in a house all day was just a recipe for disaster. His father had been confused seeing as it was his mother's choice to raise all the kids without professional help. After all, children should be raised by the parents not strangers. She had nodded realizing that she really didn't want a stranger raising her kids. She looked so tired though. Castiel didn't understand why his mother looked so tired all the time but he wished he could help.

        So, when his mom only made 8 lunch bags instead of 9, he didn't say a word. His mother was tired and she needed her rest; Castiel would get lunch instead. He saw other children go into a line and come out with meals. Why not him too?

        Apparently, you needed money to get lunch in the line and unfortunately, he hadn't brought any. Hungry and sad, Castiel left the line with nothing to show for. He saw Dean opening his lunch box over at the table and he smiled. He really wanted to be friends with Dean. This whole morning, he tried to get Dean to talk to him but he guessed the boy was busy. The seat he was assigned was too far from Dean but during story time, he tried his best to sit next to the boy but you couldn't talk during story time. You could talk during lunch time, though!

        "Why are you sitting next to me?" Dean asked when he noticed Castiel beside him. He then noticed the empty area on the table in front of him. "Where's your lunch?"

        "My mother didn't make enough lunch bags." Castiel explained to him. Dean sighed heavily. What was with this kid? He looked into his lunch box and pulled out his sandwich. It was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crust taken off. His favorite. He would love to just eat every single last bite, but he couldn't let the boy starve.

        "Here." He took one of the two triangle pieces of the sandwich and handed it to Castiel. "Eat it."

        "Thank you, Dean." Castiel smiled brightly. Dean was such a kind individual and he would never forget how giving he was. Dean tried to ignore the look of admiration the other boy was giving him as he shrugged and ate his side of the sandwich.

        "No problem, Cas." From then on, they were friends. Once you experienced terror and shared lunch with another individual, there really wasn't anything else you could be. Castiel was glad he could have such a good friend like Dean and hoped they would stay that way forever.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post the second chapter early :D  
> The third one will be posted next Saturday.

        His parents fought a lot. They didn't fight over anything terribly serious; Dean wasn't ever afraid that his parents would break up, like some kids were, but they did fight a lot. Sometimes, his mother would cry but it was mainly out of frustration. Today was one of those days. She had just given him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crust cut off. She gave a similar one to Sam, who just sighed. Seemed like he wasn't a fan.

        “No, John.” He heard her say on the phone. “You said you'd come home early today.”

        “Mommy mad?” Sammy asked in the small words he used. He was three years old but the kid was smart as a whip. He looked over at their mother frightened by what was happening. Dean did his best to gain his attention from his mother tensely speaking on the phone.

        “Shh, Sammy. Just eat.”

        “We're not having this conversation again.” His mother told his father on the phone. She slammed her palm down on the counter and frowned deeply. “Think about what?” Sam tried looking back but Dean began breaking off parts of his sandwich and trying to help feed him. The three year old's face scrunched up as he took a bite. “John, you have two children at home and they barely- We don't need the money that bad. They'd be happier with their father.” It was silent for a while and then finally their mother spoke again. “Fine. Then don't. There's nothing more to talk about.”

        She slammed the phone back down on the receiver and stepped back. Her back touched the wall where the counter met as she took one of her hands and dragged it over her eyes. It was unnoticeable at first but her breathing had become unsteady.

       “Mommy tying?” Sam asked still too little to say “crying” properly but Dean understood him. He looked over at his mother, who desperately was trying to keep her sobs to herself, and sighed. He didn't want his mother to feel bad but he couldn't fault his father either. John kept working over time, and barely came home anymore. He said he was working so that they could live happily but Mary didn't believe him. She insisted they would be fine without the extra hours he put in. Dean knew John worked hard out of love. It wasn't that he didn't want to see them. He was just busy trying to give them a nice life though he wasn't sure why his absence was supposed to make them happier. Dean didn't feel happier when he was gone; he was happier when he was home. As he stood up from the table, Dean motioned to Sam to continue eating. Sam was less than pleased with the instruction.

        “It's okay, mom. Dad still loves you. I love you too.” Dean told his mom as he neared her. He opened his arms wide and hugged her legs. “I'll never leave you.”

        “You're my little angel.” Mary sniffed a bit but smiled despite the tears in her eyes. Dean was always so mature for his age. “How about some pie, okay?”

        “Me too! Me too! Me too!” Sam cried as Dean smiled widely. Dean loved pie, it was his favorite. Sam didn't really have a taste for pie but he was in this weird stage where he wanted to do everything his brother did, even if he hated it, like eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

       “Have you eaten your sandwich?” Mary asked zeroing in on his untouched wedge. Sam scrunched up his face and shook his head.

        “I don't lie it.” He told them gaining a laugh from his mother. He had requested the sandwich because Dean had one. He had refused to take no for an answer. Unfortunately, that didn't change the fact that Sam didn't really like the jelly his mom used.

        That night, their father didn't come home. Dean was concerned but his mother didn't look worried at all. She continued to remain unworried for two more days. Dean would never forget this moment. It was the time he realized that maybe his mother and father did have problems. Maybe they weren't true loves like all those fairy tales said. Maybe there was no such thing as true loves. Perhaps, you just end up with the person you can stand the most.

        He kept worrying about his parents and never truly understood the situation until Christmas came. Dean's father was a mechanic and it didn't bring them an amazing amount of money. Sure, they could pay for a nice home, food and all their bills but there wasn't any money ever left after wards. Dean could never get extra snacks or toys. The only time they would get something good was on their birthday or Christmas but it was never anything fancy. Maybe a stuffed bear or some little toy. Dean was used to it. His dad would say they were barely getting by but their mother would always smile and tell them that they didn't need much.

        This Christmas was different. There were two somewhat large presents under the tree. Sam's was larger than Dean's but he didn't really mind. Sam could have a huge box of clothes for all he knew. They both said from Santa but Dean was too old to believe in Santa anymore. He knew he wasn't real and where these presents really came from.

        They were excited to open them and their parents had hurried in to watch them. His mom had smiled but it didn't really reach her eyes. Her eyes showed something else. Maybe it was worry but why would their mother be worried?

        Dean ripped open his present first because he just couldn't wait. This wasn't a small toy or some stuffed animal. This wasn't a box of clothes either. It was something much better than all of that. It was something Dean had never expected to get at all in his life. Something that had just recently came on to the market last year. Dean had never gotten anything this new before.

        “Oh wow! A Nintendo! Really? For Me?” Dean was shocked. He had heard that a Nintendo Entertainment System was very expensive. Lots of kids in his school wanted one but a lot knew their parents would never buy something so pricey. A few probably got one last year, when it came out, but he was excited to have one all the same. Suddenly, it all made sense the moment he looked down at his new video game console; the long hours his dad worked and how much time he took to earn more money. Dean felt so touched that he jumped into his father's arms not even caring that the tag had said from Santa.“Thank you, Dad.”

        “I even got one of the games for it.” His dad said almost sounding as excited as his son forgetting to keep up the charade. Sam didn't seem to notice. “It's called Super Mario Brothers.”

        “Oh wow!” Dean grabbed the game from his father's hand and stared at it in awe. He had never in his life gotten anything this amazing for Christmas. Sure, he was only seven but this was still a big deal.

        “Me too! Me too!” Sam chanted as he tried grabbing at the game cartridge.

        “Sorry Sammy. Looks like just one controller.” Dean informed him as he pulled away. His father had already pulled out the system and was getting it set up. His mom watched with an unreadable expression but Dean had no time to think about that. He had to tell someone about this amazing Christmas present. “This is so awesome. Dad can I call Cas?”

        “Oh, honey.” His mom spoke giving him an apologetic look. “It's Christmas. I'm sure they are talking to their family right now.”

        Dean didn't like that he couldn't call Castiel right away. He wanted to tell his friend all about his Christmas and maybe see if he got anything cool. It wasn't fair that on Christmas, he couldn't talk to his best friend. At least, he had the Nintendo! It was time to play some Super Mario Bros.

        “Here, Sammy.” John moved the bigger box towards the three-year old. “I didn't forget about my little guy.”

        His mother knelt by the younger boy and helped him unwrap his present and pull it out of the box. It was a tricycle. Not one of those small plastic ones, you got for cheap. This was an honest to god tricycle with a little wooden shelf in the back to put his toys if he so chose. Sammy screamed in delight and immediately tried to sit on it. His mother laughed as it wasn't completely unwrapped and tried getting the foam off the pedals.

        “Alright. I'm sorry.” His mom told his dad once she saw Sam move across their living room happily. She turned to look at Dean starting up a new game and already having fun jumping on the little mushrooms or whatever they were. “Dean looks ecstatic about that stupid thing and look at little Sammy. But really. Stop working so much. We can manage.”

        “I just want you guys to have a good life.” His father sighed looking very tired as if he had said the same excuse too many times. Perhaps he had since his mom just rolled her eyes in response.

        “We do. When you're here.” She leaned over and gave him a chaste kiss to his lips.

        “Ew!” Sam groaned and covered his eyes quickly.

        “Grow up, Sammy.” Dean laughed as he still focused on his game. He motioned with one arm for his brother to sit next to him. “Look I got the flag!”

        “Me too! Me too!” Sam chanted as he took his place beside Dean. Dean just ruffled his brother's hair and continued playing. Without grabbing at the controller or whining, Sam watched his brother play with fascination. This truly was their best Christmas yet.

        Castiel's family was very big and because of that Dean couldn't get a hold of him at all through the break. Especially with Michael and Lucifer back from college; Michael more importantly. He favored Castiel over all of his brothers and would usually monopolize his time. Dean always found that he didn't really like Michael at all, when the man called Castiel from the phone the one time Dean was able to call him over break. It wasn't fair.

        So, of course, Dean couldn't wait for school to start again. He wanted to tell Castiel all about what he got for Christmas and see if he got anything cool. Castiel always got really interesting and awesome things. His family, apparently, was rich according to his parents. They didn't talk about it much but they tried explaining it to him once. Dean had gotten angry that they had some things that he never got to have, like their own trampoline. He was, also, amazed by how large their home was. It was like two of their house or maybe even three. Castiel was sure to have amazing toys and Dean couldn't wait to hear about them but first he would have to tell him about his present.

        They were in second grade now and no longer had the same teacher. Castiel's mom said Castiel cried when he found out they were in different classes. Dean could understand the feeling but he wouldn't cry over it; Castiel was so sensitive. Dean made new friends, Victor and Benny. They hung out with him all the time and they were pretty cool but Dean still missed having class with Castiel. The only time they saw each other were at lunch and recess.

        Recess was after lunch and even though they had to sit with their class, Dean could walk over and talk to Castiel for a little while. His teacher allowed it since none of the other students would talk to him. Dean didn't know why since Castiel was a really cool guy. Sure, he still wore a little suit and talked a bit funny but that was the appeal. He supposed some kids just didn't understand how awesome Castiel really was.

        When he found Castiel, he was looking rather sad at his lunch table. He was sitting a little ways away from the other children and even his teacher was looking rather worried for him. It wasn't rare that he sat by himself, it was the whole reason the teachers allowed Dean to sit next to him, but he never looked so sad before. Probably didn't want his vacation to end so soon. He slid next to him with a large smile.

        “Cas, I have a Nintendo.”

         “Oh, my brothers have a few of those.” Castiel mentioned eyes never leaving the table. Dean blushed a little embarrassed. Of course, Castiel's house would have a Nintendo too and more than one? Dean never understood how Castiel's family was so lucky to have so many when his father had to be gone all year just to afford one.

        “Oh. Um.” There had to be something that would impress Castiel. “But I have Super Mario Brothers. Would you like to play over at my house?”

         “Alright.” Castiel nodded but still didn't look up from the table. Dean wondered what was wrong and then he noticed there was no lunch in front of him. Did his mother forget again?

        “Hey, where's your lunch?”

         “Someone ate it.” Castiel responded sadly.

        “Someone ate it?” Dean wasn't sure he heard right. Why would someone eat Castiel's lunch? Didn't they know it wasn't theirs? Did they get confused? If so, Castiel should just ask for the other guy's lunch instead.

        “Yes, I told him that that was very wrong of him but he-” Castiel paused looking very hurt and at the verge of tears. He was always a cry baby but this- This was serious. “He pushed me.”

        Dean gasped shocked that someone would do such a thing. What kind of world did they live in where someone could push another and steal their lunch? Dean's eyes scanned over Castiel's form making sure he was alright. Whoever did this was going to pay.

         “Who pushed you, Cas?” Dean could feel his anger rising as Castiel pointed a trembling finger to some fat kid in his class. Seriously, the guy was a perfect circle.

         “Him.”

         “You wait here.” Dean looked back at his table and gained the attentions of Victor and Benny. Victor was the youngest hall monitor in the school and he took his job seriously. Only in second grade, he was able to tell older children to be mindful of other students and not drop trash on the floor. Their teacher recommended him for the job when she noticed him berating an older student about pushing while walking in the halls. Victor was known to be fearless against older kids. Benny, his other friend, transferred here from Louisiana. His accent made him pretty popular with other kids and it was one of the reasons Dean spoke to him; it sounded unreal. Benny would joke about wrestling alligators though he never did do that but kids were naive and it was amazing how many people believed him. He did, however, play a mean pirate when they played make believe. With them as back up, chubby didn't stand a chance.

         He motioned for his friends to follow as he neared the large bully. He wasn't currently eating Castiel's lunch, instead he was filling himself with the cafeteria lunch without a care in the world. It was as if he didn't even think what he had done was wrong or just didn't care. Castiel was all the way down the table looking at the scene worriedly. Dean knew he was probably frightened for him but he won't be for long. Dean was brave, strong and completely awesome and he was going to prove it to Castiel. With his eyes on him, Castiel was going to see how amazing his best friend really was.

        “You pushed Cas?” Dean puffed up to look more intimidating. He almost faltered when the boy stood up. He was taller, bigger and had a lot more weight to him. He probably could crush Dean just by sitting on him.

        “What's it to you?”

        “Cas is my friend.” Dean couldn't let fear stand in the way; Castiel was watching. He stood firm and gave the boy the meanest look he could muster. “You leave him alone.”

        “Or what?” The boy leaned over the table, narrowing his eyes. Dean wasn't going to falter. Leaning over the table similarly, Dean narrowed his own eyes and made a hand motion to his friends.

        “Or you'll be sorry.” He growled as Benny and Victor came to his side. “Understand?”

        Benny and Victor didn't need to be told anything. They knew what all this was about even from a distance. If Dean had a problem with this kid, then they all did. Glaring at the boy with the same strength and passion as Dean, the two boys stood firm and confident. The bully looked at all three of them and faltered a little. He probably heard the rumors of Benny and knew Victor would never back down. Dean, also, would like to think, he was scared of him too.

        “Okay. I get it.” The boy said hastily. “I'll leave him alone.”

         “What's going on over here?” Teachers always had a way of ruining things but this time, her question was well timed. Dean smiled at her innocently as he backed away from the table.

        “Nothing just chatting.”

        The boys all smiled victorious. They told that big bully off and protected Castiel. Unfortunately, Victor and Benny were never cleared to sit at Castiel's table and would have to go back to their class's. However, they were still happy they had defeated the bully even though they hadn't any idea why there was a problem. Dean would explain it to them later.

        “Thank you, Dean.” Castiel gave Dean a shy smile as his friend sat right next to him. Dean opened his lunch box and pulled out his sandwich, giving Castiel half.

         “No problem, Cas.” Dean watched happily as Castiel started to nibble on his piece. It felt good helping out a friend and Dean was glad he could do things for him.“Anyone bothers you, you tell me. I'll deal with em.”

        “Thank you.” Castiel smiled at his best friend, his only friend. Dean was always looking out for him and despite his word usage being superior, Castiel always felt Dean was much wiser. He was blessed to have a best friend like Dean and he knew as long as he was with him, he'd be safe. It was a good feeling that warmed his heart. It was, also, the start of something Castiel did not yet understand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be in 7th grade and then we get into Highschool (and the actual story xD). These are just instances leading up to the main portion kind of a how we got here type thing.


	3. Chapter 3

        They were in 7th grade when the subject of dating came up. Adults would say it was too early for them to think about girls, but they had been thinking about them since the fifth grade. Even Dean, had had a girlfriend for a week in 6th grade. Castiel hadn't had anyone, though, but he liked to keep his options open. So, when the boys asked who he thought was cute at school, he answered honestly. He wasn't really interested in anyone at school at the moment. His mother wanted him to focus on his studies and he did that well.

        But the boys were insistent. Even if he didn't want to date anyone and hadn't a crush on anyone, there had to be people he found attractive. Castiel saw no reason to lie. There were a few students he thought were aesthetically pleasing. Ruby was very nice looking with long blonde hair. She was mean though and frequently said she was going to dye her hair black since she was in that whole goth thing. Daphne was really pretty too and Castiel liked her a little, but she was planning on their wedding when they weren't even dating yet. He had seen her writing her name with his last name countless times in her notebook. It was a little strange and Castiel was only in 7th grade. He wasn't prepared to get married and support a family of his own; he couldn't even get a job! So, though she was very pretty and nice, she scared him a little. Then, of course, the last person he found to be beautiful was his best friend, Dean. Dean was known for being good looking all around school, so it shouldn't have been a surprise. However, when the boys heard what he had said, they looked disgusted.

        Castiel tried to explain to them that he wasn't interested in any of these people, Dean was his best friend and that would have been weird, but they couldn't get over the fact he mentioned a boy. Castiel saw no reason the boys would be upset. Boys and girls were equally beautiful and though he may not have his mind on either at the moment, opting for studying, he could say who he found to be pleasant looking.

        They called him names and pushed him against the locker. They said he was disgusting but he didn't understand. Why were they being like this? They were the ones that asked about his opinion. If they weren't going to like an opinion contrary to theirs, why did they insist on knowing everyone's opinion? There were bound to be contrary opinions in the classroom.

        Dean rushed towards him as soon as he saw the commotion. He ripped the boys from Castiel, who was thankfully left unharmed physically. Over the years, Dean had established himself as a boy who wasn't to be trifled with. He had won his fair share of fights, got his fair share of detentions and a lot of earfuls from his mother and father. Dean knew his parents didn't appreciate him acting up and he wouldn't, if the other kids left Castiel alone.

         “Novak says he likes boys.” One of the boys tried justifying their ridiculous behavior.

         “So?” What was wrong with liking people? Dean always knew Castiel liked everyone. It was just how nice Castiel was and it didn't matter what people did to him, he always liked people.

        “No. Novak says he likes kissing boys. So gross.”

        “Yeah, he's a little freak.” Oh, they meant _like_ like. Dean felt something weird as he looked over at his friend. Castiel likes kissing boys? Did he kiss one already? Who did he kiss? He thought they were best friends and best friends said everything to each other. Shaking his head, Dean focused on the boys bothering his friend.

        “What's wrong with liking boys?”

        “It's gross.”

         “You're gross.” Dean said unable to think of a good comeback. He pushed himself in front of his friend to defend him. “All of you get out of here before I really make you look gross. Got it?”

        The boys looked at Dean weird but knew not to cross him. They shook their heads and ran off. Dean made sure they were out of sight before he turned around to inspect his friend. He had to make sure he wasn't hurt or anything.

        “You alright?”

         “They are wrong.” Castiel stared down at his feet with a small pout. “I told them I like boys just as much as girls.”

        “Who cares who you like?” Dean personally liked girls but that didn't mean Castiel and he couldn't be friends. It was strange that someone would care about something like that. Castiel was still Castiel regardless. They were best friends since Kindergarten, their mothers were friends and even their little brothers, Samandriel and Sam (The Sammies) were best friends and he wasn't going to throw that away because of preferences.

        “They do apparently.” Castiel reminded him sadly.

        “Screw them.” Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulders. “Come on. I need to copy your homework before class starts.”

        “Oh, alright.” Castiel had already anticipated his friend needing to copy off his worksheet. That's why he always kept his notebook handy. If the teacher's suspected anything, they never said a word and Dean was able to relax without having to worry about homework. It wasn't that Dean wasn't smart, Castiel believed he was one of the smartest people he knew, but Dean just didn't do his homework regularly. Castiel didn't mind, he always had his homework ready for him.

        “Class was stupid.” It was the same thing Dean said every day after class. He never really liked class but he was pretty good at it. Castiel studied hard and got good grades but his was obviously through hard work. Dean had Bs despite not doing his own homework. Copying homework was one thing but that was only part of the grade, everything else was all Dean and was proof he was smart, even if he didn't believe it. Castiel smiled at his friend and nodded.

        Dean adjusted his tie for the fourth time that day. Castiel still wore business suits because it was what he was used to, but unfortunately didn't know how to wear them correctly. He, also, didn't know how to slick back his hair like his mother use to do for him and his hair just went in all different directions. His other siblings wore regular clothing or what Dean called “Preppy clothing”. Castiel always looked like a miniature tax accountant according to him. If he had regular clothing, he wouldn't know what to do with it anyway. Suits were professional and made him look serious about his future, that was what was important he supposed.

        He opened his locker to exchange books when he noticed a small note fall out. Picking it up, Castiel opened it to read its message. It was from someone he didn't know, given the handwriting was foreign to him, but they didn't announce who they were. Instead, they asked for him to meet them at the school's gate. Castiel was worried; he hoped it wasn't the boys bothering him before.

        “What's that?” Dean tried looking over his shoulder but Castiel quickly pocketed the note. He should tell him, he really should, but he didn't want to burden him. He would just see if it was those boys or not on his own. He would be very careful; besides, he wasn't in elementary school anymore and could handle himself.

        So, when the school let out for the day he calmly walked towards the entrance before Dean could gather all his things. The boy was rushing and telling Castiel to wait but he didn't listen. He was sure Dean would catch up eventually but for now, he had to deal with this on his own. He wanted to show Dean that he was capable of fighting his own battles too. He knew Dean got into a lot of skirmishes with other students; he never understood why, but Dean always told him he had to stand up for himself. This was the moment to stand up for himself.

        At the gate, stood a boy, who he didn't recognize. He seemed like he was a grade below him and he looked nervous. The boy had dark hair and large dark eyes. His face was long and pale and he was short in stature. He didn't seem like the type to be wanting to bother him about something. If anything happened, people would assume Castiel was bullying him and not the other way around.

        “You came.” He said softly as Castiel approached him.

       “Hello.” Castiel didn't know this boy at all; he was in none of his classes and seemed younger than him. He didn't see why the boy would even call him out when they didn't know each other. Maybe, he just wanted a friend but leaving a note in a locker was a peculiar way to acquire friends.

        “I'm Aaron.” He greeted sticking out his hand. Castiel had grown from the age when he would shake people's hands and greet them politely. He knew from experience some would squeeze his hand or yank him close to hurt him. Aaron smiled weakly and withdrew his hand. “I'm a grade below you. I heard you like boys. I do too.”

        “Why did you write to me?” Castiel still didn't understand why it was important to leave an anonymous letter in his locker.

        “I think you are cute.” Aaron admitted shyly. “Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

       “I don't really know you though.” It was true he had never seen the boy before today. He probably just wasn't aware of other students since he was so focused on school. Therefore, he didn't know a thing about Aaron. He didn't even know how Aaron even knew him or that he liked boys.

        “Well, we could get to know each other.” Aaron suggested with a smile. “What do you say?”

        “I don't know.”

        “Yes or no?”

       Aaron was looking at him with a hopeful expression but Castiel really didn't know how to approach this situation. He wished he hadn't zoomed passed Dean to face this problem on his own, he could really use some of his advice. He didn't know Aaron and he didn't know if he would like him at all. The boy seemed alright and wasn't ugly but Castiel felt no attraction for him.

        “Um. I'm sorry.” He would rather they become friends instead. Becoming boyfriends when they barely knew each other wasn't the brightest idea.

        Strangely enough, Aaron didn't look that hurt or unhappy with his answer. It was good that the boy was mature enough to handle rejection well, it certainly made it easier for Castiel at least. The boy smiled and nodded but his smile held no disappointment. It was more playful and cruel.

         “Good because I would never want to be a fag like you anyway.” He told him with a shrug as the boys from this morning came out from their hiding places to join him.“Did you really think I liked you? That's sad.”

          “He probably just said no to look like he didn't want to be all over you.” One of the boys suggested and it wasn't true at all. Castiel shook his head. Wasn't he clear on his reasoning? He barely knew the boy.

         “You want to kiss him, Novak?” The other boy teased as he came closer to him. He would have grabbed him too if it wasn't for Dean's bike suddenly getting in the way.

        “Cas, there you are.” He almost hit the boy but didn't seem like he even noticed. The boy stumbled back shocked at the intrusion. Dean seriously could have hit him and hurt him pretty bad. Why didn't Dean notice him? “Hop on the back of my bike.” Castiel sighed and jumped immediately on the back of Dean's seat, placing his hands on his shoulders. Dean smiled back at him and finally noticed the other guys. “Who are these losers?”

         “No one. Let's just go.” Castiel told him not wanting to be there any longer. He may be socially awkward, have problems understanding people and sarcasm but he knew this wasn't a good thing. He knew this was a joke played on him and all of them had been aiming to hurt him, and they did. If he had said yes, it would have been worse, he knew that. All of them were laughing at his expense. Castiel felt awful and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. He just wanted to be alone.

         Dean noticed his friend's sadness. He could feel it in just the way he barely clutched his shoulders and didn't speak throughout the whole ride. He wasn't stupid. He knew those kids were picking on Castiel again. He had told Castiel before to stand up for himself and not let them know they bother him but apparently, he was too nice to start anything. Castiel cared too much about everyone else and not enough about himself. Dean knew what he had to do. He had to protect Castiel no matter what.

        He dropped him off at his house and waved him goodbye. Castiel seemed like he needed some time on his own and Dean could respect that. He just didn't want his friend to feel like that again. He had to head home; he had some calls to make.

        He found the boys playing at the arcade that he and his friends frequented. They were completely oblivious of his presence as they continued playing Pacman. Dean cleared his throat to gain their attentions. The three stared at him surprised but they didn't seem to move at all. They must know why he was here. Dean looked around to see if anyone could see them and was happy to see no one would be able to witness a thing. The boys seemed to notice as well and they began to let their worry show but they still didn't move.

        “We aren't afraid of you Dean.” One told him unconvincingly. “There are three of us and only one of you.”

        The other two seemed to like those odds and nodded with their friend. Dean supposed they thought they were going to gang up against him and overpower him. They may have had a chance, there was no way Dean would be able to defeat all three of them at the same time, but that wasn't exactly what he was planning on doing.

        “Why do you think there is only one of me?” Dean turned to look back at his friends approaching them. Victor walked with an air of confidence and though he was known for following school rules, they weren't exactly on school property. That didn't mean Victor hadn't given Dean an earful before agreeing to show up. Apparently, in the student hand book it forbids violence towards another student any where near school property and/or bus stops. Dean had to convince him that the guys would be at the arcade, a good ways from any bus stop, and he was so lucky they were there. Benny didn't have as many reservations as Victor. He even brought a baseball bat, the same one he had when he was on Dean's team in little league back in third grade. It was metal and he held it on his shoulder without fear that the arcade manager may see him.

        “We're sorry.” The smug looks on their faces were washed away by fear as they realized they weren't going to be able to take all three of them. Victor kept looking out for the arcade manager just in case as Benny made sure to look rather menacingly.

        “I'm sorry. I didn't hear that well.” Dean put a hand behind his ear and leaned in. “Say that again.”

        “We're sorry. We didn't mean to hurt his feelings we swear it was just a joke.” They were trembling just like they deserved to be. If there was one thing Dean hated the most, it was bullies. They just preyed on the weak and thought that made them seem stronger, it only made them more pathetic. Now they were saying that they hadn't even thought Castiel would have been hurt by their cruel joke?

         “What did you think, he would laugh at that?” Dean couldn't believe the twisted logic these boys had. How could anyone laugh at a fake admirer? Dean had saw them before, he was hoping Castiel would stand up for himself for once but unfortunately, it didn't happen. It was alright, though. He had become an expert in protection. Turning back to his friends, he nodded to them. “Benny whattya think?”

          “That ain't a very funny joke.” They knew what had happened because Dean had informed them both. Both of them were just as righteously angry as he was.

         “Victor?”

        “I don't believe them.” Victor stared them down with his arms crossed over his chest. Dean had to hand it to the kid, he could look pretty intimidating when he wanted to.

        “See, no one believes you.” Dean turned toward the boys, shaking his head. “I guess that means you're lying and I don't like liars.”

         “We're sorry. We swear.”

        “See, you shouldn't be telling this to me should you?” Dean looked towards Victor, who signaled the arcade manager was back in the area. They couldn't cause too much of a ruckus and it would be hard to explain to his parents later but Dean had a plan. He looked back at the boys with a smile. “Guess I do need to teach you a lesson.”

* * *

 

         Castiel cried his eyes out in his brother Gadreel's arms. He was the first to enter the house and subsequently the first to find out his little brother wasn't feeling well. Samandriel was at the Winchesters' house with Sam probably playing on Dean's Nintendo. Thankfully, Dean hadn't tried to coerce him to go to his house because Castiel really wanted to be alone.

          Inias, being only a year younger, had come home around the same time but the boy was too shy to ask Castiel what was wrong. Instead, he raced to Gadreel as soon as he came in the house expressing his worry for Castiel. Gadreel was the oldest in the house, as no one counted Lucifer, who dropped out of college and was currently living in their basement. Castiel rarely saw him anymore and none of the younger ones were allowed in his “lair”. So, Gadreel, a senior in high school, was chosen to knock on Castiel's door. Behind him the other older children, Hannah, Anna and Gabriel, watched cautiously.

          Castiel didn't like being the center of attention, as he rarely ever was, so the others waited in the hall as Gadreel inquired about Castiel's school day. Just talking about it made Castiel tear up and he couldn't hold back his emotions anymore. Gadreel was warm and held his brother close as he cried. The others exchanged looks and Hannah and Anna decided to get some ice cream for everyone. Gabriel was insulted he couldn't come with the twins but everyone knew he would just eat all the ice cream before returning. Lucifer even came up for some ice cream, though Castiel wasn't sure he knew why they were partaking in having so much of it.

          It did make him feel better and he was glad he could always rely on his family. Everyone promised not to tell Michael that he was picked on. Michael had a severe brother complex and despite being a successful buisnessman climbing the corporate ladder, he still acted like an idiot when it came Castiel. He had been told it was probably because Michael was always on baby duty when Castiel was born; he had grown overly attached to his younger sibling because of it. There was no telling what he would do, even though Gabriel joked he would hop on a private jet and seek out whoever did this to his “precious little brother”. Castiel was glad he had a large group of support and went to school the next morning much happier.

           The next morning, he was a little worried the guys would bother him again and cautiously approached his locker. Dean hadn't met him on the road or biked to his house today and he wasn't feeling as safe as he would be if he was by his side. So when the boys approached him again, he didn't know what to do.

             “We're all really sorry.” The boys said immediately, catching Castiel off guard. “Can you forgive us?”

             “Of course.” Castiel smiled. He was always happy when people did the right thing and this was definitely a good thing for them. They must have realized being so mean to others was no way to get friends. “I'm glad that you've reflected and sought forgiveness.”

            “Yeah, alright.” They all looked pretty uncomfortable. They were shy, that must be it.“Just tell your friend we said sorry okay?”

           “Oh alright.” Castiel was pretty sure they were referring to Dean but he couldn't understand why. What did Dean have to do with any of this? Was it because of their argument before? It must be. They must have felt bad for bothering both of them. Castiel suddenly felt very happy. He couldn't wait to tell Dean all about it.

            When he found his friend, he was talking to a girl named Cassie. He smiled when he noticed Castiel waiting for him and sauntered over to him. Strangely enough, Dean gave him a funny look when he explained how wonderful the boys were for realizing their mistake. He then laughed and patted him on the back.

              Castiel was lucky to have so much support and love from his friends and family. After that incident, no one picked on him about it ever again. However, he noticed a lot of people approach him but then never say what they were going to say. They always had something they forgot.

              Dean always shadowed Castiel now and anytime he saw someone even look like they were going to say something mean, he glared them down. They always noticed him and immediately retreated. Dean was even able to scare away Castiel's weird little stalker, Daphne. The girl was all kinds of creepy saying that Castiel and her were destined to be together. Castiel remained oblivious to all this and even asked him if there was a growing problem with children forgetting things they had to do since that was the popular excuse to run away with. Dean would just laugh and tell him he didn't know but it was better that way. Dean would always protect Castiel; he was so sure of it.

 

              Until, he was the one hurting him.


	4. Chapter 4

        Castiel and Dean had always been friends from the day they met in Kindergarten all the way into high school. The two were inseparable. Despite the fact Dean was popular with girls, they always spent the afternoons together and their weekends in each others' company. When Dean did have a girlfriend, they never lasted long and Castiel never really got to know who they were. One moment, Dean would have someone and the next week, they were over. Women came and go and Castiel never gave them a second thought. Dean could have a new one around his arm and he would know that Castiel would be the one he would hang out that night. Dean didn't do dates and always blew off the girls in favor of his best friend. They were gone as soon as they came. Dean just couldn't handle the long term or getting close to another person many said but Castiel knew that wasn't true. They had been friends for years and they had been the closest anyone could be in a platonic sense. Dean and Castiel were a pair and despite Dean having other friends, he always made time for Castiel. They just couldn't see their lives without one another; they were best friends forever.

 

        They were in grade 10 when Dean said the news that would change Castiel's life forever.

 

        “Hear there is going to be a new student in our grade.” Dean had told him as he slid onto the seat next to Castiel.

        “There was one last year.” Castiel reminded him uninterested in his choice of topic.

         “A dude.” Dean gave him an incredulous look like if Castiel should know that one wasn't worthy of speaking about. “No, this one is a chick. Cas, she could be hot.”

        “I don't really care.”

        “Cas, I know you dig chicks too.” Dean rolled his eyes and noticed two beautiful seniors walking into the cafeteria. One had long, flowing red hair and pale skin. Her eyes were a green hazel and she stood tall and slender. Beside her was a girl with bright blue eyes like Castiel. Shoulder length dark brown hair just the same color as Castiel but skin as smooth and pale as milk. He nodded towards them with a smile. “Hey, your sisters.” The girls looked towards the two and smiled. Dean took this time to wink at them both.“Hi there.”

        “Dean.” Castiel had the most unamused face Dean had ever seen him have.

        “I know.” He tore his gaze from the twins and shrugged.“But you have to admit they are hot.”

        “Dean, they're my sisters.”

        “I think Anna likes me.” Dean waved a little towards the red-head but Castiel's glare made him stop. It was an unwritten rule that Dean didn't try to date any of Castiel's sisters, it would cause too much strain on their relationship. Dean was right, though, Anna did like him but he was too young for her tastes. Dean cleared his throat. “So, new girl. Hope she's in one of our classes.”

        There was a strange beeping noise as he spoke. Dean stopped talking immediately and began looking around. Moving his suit jacket away, Castiel looked down to his lap. The guy still wore business suits and had no idea how to wear them properly. They were in high school now, he could at least get with the times. Dean didn't wear the most popular clothes as his mother could only buy some cheap shirts and jeans but he didn't stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, his dad gave him his leather jacket and Dean liked to think the jacket made him look cool.

        “What was that?” He asked trying to see what Castiel was looking at.

       “My pager.” Castiel moved his suit jacket a bit to reveal a small black box clipped onto his belt. Dean's eyes grew wide.

         “No way, you have a beeper?” Beepers, or pagers as they are officially called, have gone down in price but they were still way too expensive for someone like Dean. They were at least a hundred dollars and very rarely did he see anyone with them. Of course, Castiel would have one. Having one was like a status symbol and rich kids like Castiel would undeniably have one.

        “It's not much. Anna and Hannah have cell phones.” Castiel had just mentioned that fact without a care. It was like he really couldn't see why anyone would be excited over a beeper or a cell phone. Cell phones were insanely expensive and you had to pay for minutes, that really racked up the price. Dean had seen one or two on TV before but he had never seen someone with one. The twins both had cellphones and teenage girls were sure to rack up minutes.

        “Really?” Dean couldn't believe it even when Castiel nodded. “Rich families, man. I wish my family was rich.”

        “Some things you can't buy with money.”Castiel said as if he wasn't rolling in it. Dean rolled his eyes. It was easy for him to say since his family had all the money in the world. He was the son of a best selling author, who had only gotten more popular as the years have gone by. Just recently, Dean's mom told him she had seen Castiel's dad on a talk show and he was sure it was only going to get worse.

        Castiel had everything a person could ever want and he didn't even know it. Dean didn't hate him for it but he sure would like to live Castiel's life. Also, it wasn't like the Novaks were selfishly rich, Castiel's mom had offered to help their family many times; it was just frustrating to watch Castiel not even notice he was so rich. Instead, he just stared down at his pager with confusion.

        “What does it say?” Dean asked a little curious.

        “58008?” Castiel read off the numbers as he shook his head. “That's not a phone number.”

        “It says boobs, Cas.” Dean chuckled and peered at the little strip of screen from the beeper. Castiel squinted his eyes and stared at the screen. He obviously never played around with his calculator before. Patting his friend on the back, Dean noticed it was almost time for class to start. “Are you really a guy? Come on.”

        The new student was a girl. She was tall, slender but sturdy. She had the body of someone who enjoyed working out but was still able to fill out her top. She had a body women would kill for, Castiel could see that. He was sure his sisters would be rather jealous of her build but he didn't think anything else of it. Her skin was tanned and her hair was long and dark. When she smiled it looked so perfect and white, Castiel thought she would work well in toothpaste commercials.

        “Hi, I'm Lisa Brenden.” She introduced herself joyfully, looking around the room at everyone there. Her eyes stopped on Dean and Castiel and her smile got even larger, if that was even possible. “I'm from California and I love yoga.”

         “She likes yoga, Cas.” Dean whispered excitedly not even noticing Lisa was looking towards their direction. “Means she's bendy.”

        “I'm sure that's a good trait to have.” Castiel tried not to pay any attention to his friend and look forward. He didn't want Lisa to think he was being rude, that was no way to greet a new student.

        “Leave Cas alone, Dean.” Benny muttered annoyed from the seat in front of Castiel. “He ain't a horn dog like you.”

        “Yeah, he's an innocent boy.” Victor snickered from beside Benny. Benny rolled his eyes and shook his head.

        “He's precious and should be protected.” All these years and Benny still hadn't lost his Lousiana accent. It was as thick as the day they first met. It, also, made what he had just said sound a bit teasing or maybe that was how it was intended. Castiel looked down at his desk and sighed.

        “Not making me feel better, Benny.”

         After class had ended, Benny helped Castiel gather his things. Dean sometimes helped too but Benny was always quicker. It wasn't that Castiel didn't like Benny and Victor, he just always thought they were a little too interested in making sure he was doing alright. It was almost like the teasing he heard earlier from them was their actual views on his character. Did they view him as a mere child needing protection?

         Dean walked with him chatting about video games with Benny and Victor; Castiel wasn't very good at video games and he only ever played them at Dean's house. Before they could get to their lockers, Lisa decided to pop up in front of them. Castiel didn't expect her to show up so quickly but he guessed she must have taken notice of Dean. Dean was very attractive and what people called a “chick magnet.”

        “Oh, hey, I'm Lisa.” She introduced herself strangely looking in Castiel's direction.

        “Castiel.” He responded unsure if he should say anything. She wasn't here for him after all.

        “I'm Dean.” His friend pushed him a bit to the side to extend his hand. However, Lisa never shook it and went back to looking at Castiel.

        “Wow, you have some blue eyes.” She mentioned blinking much more than Castiel thought necessary. She came to his side immediately and wrapped one arm around his. Castiel didn't know what to think; he hadn't thought she was here for him. “Care to help me find my way around here?”

        “Uh-”

        “Cas, we should get going.” Dean looked angry as he pulled Castiel from her grasp.

        “But Dean.” Castiel didn't want to be pulled away by Lisa but it was rude to just yank someone from them. Besides, Lisa was new here and they could all show her around.

        “Excuse me, I was talking to Castiel.” Lisa put her hands on her hips and glared at Dean. “It is rude to just interrupt people when they are talking. Don't you have any sense?”

        “Cas, let's go.” Dean looked even angrier and just pulled Castiel away from her. Castiel could see Lisa huff in anger as Benny and Victor cautiously made their way over to them.

        “Dean, that was really mean.” Castiel didn't understand why they couldn't all just show her around. Was he jealous that Lisa like him instead of Dean? Castiel felt bad about attracting Lisa but it wasn't like he was a bird flashing his feathers at her. He had no control over that and maybe if they all walked her around, she would have liked Dean, but now there was no way that was going to happen.

         “She's a total diva.” Dean complained as if he wasn't interested in her at all a few moments prior. “It's so unattractive but she is hot; I'm conflicted. Maybe, I just can't stand all of them anymore.”

         “You into guys now?” Victor joked as he finally reached the two of them; Benny by his side.

         “What?” Dean shook his head quickly. “No, I can't stand anyone in this freaking school.”

          “Hey there, brother.” Benny looked offended as did Victor.

         “Not cool.”

        “Even me?” Castiel asked a little hurt as well. He thought Dean and he were best friends.

          “You're the one I can stand the most.” Dean chuckled throwing his arm around his shoulders.

         “I feel honored.” Castiel smiled shyly as he heard the other two in their company groan.

         “And me and Vick are just chopped liver.” Benny added making Dean laugh out loud.

         “Yeah, screw you two.”

       Dean invited Castiel to his house like he always did every afternoon. It worked because Castiel could help him with his homework and Dean would make him do some frivolous activity that most teenage boys did. Usually, that meant playing video games. Dean was convinced Castiel would ruin his youth if he didn't play more.

        Today, however, was different. Yesterday, had been Castiel's birthday and he was proud to finally be fifteen like everyone else in his grade. His birthday fell in September near the beginning of the school year and despite not having to wait long to be the same age as his classmates, Castiel felt good whenever it happened. Being the tenth child in a family with twelve children made Castiel crave the day where he was noticed just a little bit. Castiel didn't like being the center of attention but he didn't mind the love he got on his birthday. His family made a big fuss about it, taking him out to eat that afternoon and he wasn't able to see Dean all day. So, of course, Dean had told him that he would give him his present today.

        Castiel wasn't expecting a present from Dean and would have been completely content with just a birthday wish. However, he knew Dean wanted to get him something, since Castiel always got him a present. Castiel was sure he would be happy with anything Dean got him. It was the first time Dean actually got Castiel a birthday present with his own money; he was pretty proud of that fact and couldn't wait to give Castiel the gift.

        When they entered his home, Sam greeted them happily at the door. It was common for him to wait by it for them to arrive though Castiel didn't understand why but it made Sam happy. Samandriel had told Castiel it was because Sam liked him a lot and Castiel was happy his friend's brother liked him, even if they didn't hang out much. Sam wished Castiel happy birthday and asked him how his day was. Castiel thanked him and shared a few words with him before Dean dragged him upstairs to his bedroom. Sam was never happy that Dean cut their conversations short. Castiel knew Sam wanted to be his friend too and told Dean that fact every time they were interrupted. For some reason, Dean would just roll his eyes and make a weird comment about it. Leading him into his room, Dean searched around for something.

        “Here, Cas. Happy Birthday.” Dean grabbed a carefully wrapped box and handed it to Castiel. For the first time, Castiel felt real anticipation and excitement as he held the present. He opened it carefully and gasped at what he found inside.

        “A trench coat really?” Sam rolled his eyes as Castiel held it up to look at it. Dean glared at his little brother.

        “Shut it, Sammy.” He whispered harshly and looked over to where Castiel was now trying on the coat. It didn't fit perfectly. It was too big for his body but Castiel was sure he would grow into it. “You like it? I got the money when I worked a bit at my dad's shop last summer. It's not expensive or name brand like you usually get but yeah.”

         “I love it.” Castiel had never felt so happy to receive a gift as he did with this one item. He would never not wear this coat, even during the summer. It was perfect.

         Benny and Victor seemed to think the coat was perfect for him too. They made him spin for them and said many good things about it. Victor said it went with the whole tax accountant vibe he always gave off. Castiel always heard them say he looked like a tax accountant; maybe, he should aim to be one since he was good with numbers. Math class was fairly simple for him but it was horrible for Dean. Dean didn't pay attention half the time, so it was really his fault. However, Dean was far superior in PE than he ever would be.

        In fact, as they were forced to run the track, Castiel found himself unable to keep up with Dean. His friend kept slowing down to allow Castiel to catch up but after being whistled at by the teacher, he had to leave him behind. So, it was just Castiel and the track.

         He hated PE, it only proved how completely out of shape he was. Castiel vowed on that track that one day he would be fit and wouldn't be embarrassed during situations like this or trip on his own feet like he was currently doing. He didn't know what happened; one moment he was jogging along and the next he was face first into the track.

        “Are you alright?” A girl leaned down to help him up.

          “I'm fine.” Castiel muttered pushing himself up and winced at the pain he felt in his right ankle. Lisa had come to help him up. She was probably going to pass him again since she was far superior with this sort of thing. He really wished he had her endurance. She stood up quickly but not before Castiel could realize her bracelet had slipped off her wrist. He went to step forward to retrieve it but the pain was even worse. Lisa saw his change of expression and hurried to his side.

          “No, you could have sprained it.” She warned him, putting his arm around her shoulders. “Let me get you to the nurse.”

         “Lisa, I can-”

           “No buts, Castiel.” Her bracelet laid abandoned on the track as she lead him off it. “Let me help.”

        Lisa was much different than he thought. She was very caring and truly worried about her fellow student. She had stayed with him and asked if there was anything she could do to help. The nurse shooed her away saying his ankle was sprained and not broken. Regardless, Castiel's mother made it clear on the phone that she was picking him up and taking him straight to the hospital.    

        Dean wasn't allowed to come in until after PE was done. He popped in right after class; he hadn't even changed out of his gym uniform yet. He looked worried as if Castiel was gravely hurt and not just suffering from a sprained ankle.

        “Cas, you alright?”

        “Yeah, it's just a sprain but my mom is coming to pick me up.” Castiel's eyes caught something shining in Dean's hand. “What's that? That's Lisa's bracelet. I can give it back to her when I get my stuff.”

         Dean would have to go back to the locker room and change before going to his next class; he would have no time to give Lisa her bracelet back. It must have gone through his mind as well since he nodded and began looking around his persons. He went to the nurse's desk and asked for a piece of paper and something to write with. Castiel watched confused.

        “Actually, hold on. Give her a message from me.” Dean began writing on the side table next to him. In his note, he was apologizing for his previous behavior and saying he hoped Lisa and him could be friends. He, also, wrote his phone number. This was strange; all his previous girls never really got a chance to know his phone number. Dean was more of a 'I'll call you' sort of person. He didn't want girls ringing up his house phone bothering his mother after a break up. So, why was he giving Lisa his number? What made her special? “Here. Don't forget to give it to her alright?”

        Castiel was handed the paper quickly since Dean had to hurry back and change. He didn't know what to think of it. He, also, didn't know why he felt something gnawing at the pit of his stomach.


	5. Chapter 5

        His brother, Lucifer, came to pick him up. He helped him get to his locker, retrieve his things, and even helped him catch Lisa before she got to her class. Lisa wasn't sure why Castiel had waved her over or why he seemed so nervous but she came over to him all the same. She smiled shyly at him with a hopeful look in her eyes and ask if he was alright.

        “Uh, here.” Castiel wasn't sure what to do so he just handed her the bracelet held between the last fold of the folded up note. She looked at it strangely but opened the first fold of the paper, not seeing any of the writing yet, and tossed it aside like if it was merely wrapping paper. Castiel watched it fall and thought he should say something, but he didn't.

        “This is my bracelet.” Lisa smiled brightly as she placed it back on her wrist. “Thank you. Look! Castiel found my bracelet.”

        As some other girls looked over and started complimenting him, Castiel looked down to the floor where Dean's note was left abandoned. He should bend down and pick it up. He should tell her that it was a note for her but he couldn't. No, he could; he just didn't want to. Castiel didn't want Lisa to become Dean's friend. He had never seen Dean so interested in becoming acquainted with a girl. He usually just hooked up and moved on. This was a letter, the very first letter he had ever seen Dean write for a girl, and it seemed like he was looking for more than just a hook up. Castiel didn't want her to read it; he never wanted her to read it.

        “You're so sweet.” She gave him a hug, stepping on the note. Castiel said nothing. He didn't correct her at all when she assumed it was he who found it. He didn't say a word about Dean finding it or Dean's note. When she left, Lucifer picked it up, commenting on how you shouldn't litter, and tossed it into the trash. Castiel didn't even try to stop him.

        He felt awful. He had lied and purposely sabotaged Dean's plans. He didn't even know why he did it but he did. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. He didn't technically lie, he just didn't tell her that it wasn't him that found the bracelet. That wasn't lying, was it? Castiel laid awake for a good portion of the night worrying about what he had done and wondering why he had done it.

        “Did you give it to her?” Dean asked him before he was even out of the house the next morning. Castiel immediately felt a wave of guilt.

        “Yes.”

        “She didn't even write anything back?” Dean looked very disappointed. He probably waited all night for her call. Castiel felt ashamed.

        “No, Dean.” He took a deep breath and continued. “She didn't even read it.”

        “What?”

        “She just focused on her bracelet.” It wasn't exactly a lie and neither was the next thing he said.“I saw the note unopened on the floor.”

        A flash of hurt went through Dean's eyes but he said nothing. Castiel didn't like the look his friend had; he didn't want to make Dean upset. He expected more questions but this was better for him. He wouldn't know how to avoid telling Dean the truth if he pushed the matter any further.

       “I'm not giving up.” Dean told him looking rather determined. “I just need to turn on that Winchester charm.”

        Dean helped Castiel get to school. His mother had voiced her worry about Castiel limping off to school, when Lucifer was more than capable of taking him there, but Castiel assured her that with the crutches the doctor gave him, he should be fine. It was just a sprain and there was no reason for his mother's hysterics. However, if he didn't use the crutches, that she bothered the doctor for, she would be very worried. Castiel didn't like his mother being worried so he used them despite his under arms hurting terribly because of it.

         When they reached the school, Benny and Victor were waiting and so were stairs. Castiel was not looking forward to hobbling up those. However, Dean's friends had other plans. Immediately, they grabbed Castiel's arms and just lifted him over the stairs while Dean held the crutches. Castiel was shocked by their strength and embarrassed by all those staring at them. When they set him down, Dean handed him back the crutches and made sure he got settled on them before continuing on. Everyone was looking at them and Castiel felt a little self conscious. He really wished they would stop treating him like he was made of glass. He never understood why Dean's friends insisted on babying him as if he couldn't take care of himself. It use to be nice in middle school but now, it was plain insulting.

         Once they entered the building, Dean saw Lisa chatting with a few other girls down the hall. Castiel watched Dean walk off to try and speak to Lisa but she turned away immediately when she saw him. If he had told her about the paper, she wouldn't be acting like this. She would have wanted to be Dean's friend too. What was he afraid of? Benny and Victor were, also, friends with Dean and he didn't feel as uncomfortable as he did when he thought of Lisa becoming Dean's friend. Perhaps it was because he knew she wouldn't just be Dean's friend.

       After the third time of being ignored, Dean seemed he was about to give up chasing Lisa. Castiel felt relieved and very guilty. He felt bad whenever he caught Lisa's eye and she smiled brightly at him. He felt nauseous when other girls waved to him as if his finding the bracelet and giving it back was an amazing thing for a guy. It really wasn't, unless other guys weren't that nice. Maybe it was because he had to limp towards Lisa to give her the bracelet; it made it more dramatic he supposed.

         He really didn't want Dean to find out what he had done. He was sure if he found out that Lisa thought Castiel found the bracelet, that Dean would never look at him the same way again; he couldn't bear that. What if he realized that Castiel had let the paper drop and purposely didn't mention Dean? Would they still be friends?

         Castiel looked through his locker for the proper materials for his next class. He had one of his crutches holding him up as the other leaned against the locker. He had brought his back pack with him to his first couple of classes but it was hard to get settled in his seat, put the crutches down and take off his book bag. After two classes, Castiel had enough of it. He just needed to get his materials and leave his bag behind.

        “You should give me your beeper number.” Dean leaned against the locker next to Castiel's.

         “Why?”

         “So, I can remind you to call me when you get the chance.” Dean informed him scanning the hallway for Lisa. She wasn't anywhere in sight. “Where were you last night, man?”

        “Lucifer needed the phone.” It wasn't a lie since Lucifer always needed a line open to receive calls. He just neglected to say Lucifer did have a phone, just no reception in the basement, and his own line in the house. So, he wouldn't necessarily need the line.

        No, Castiel didn't call because he was too busy worrying. He practically didn't get a wink of sleep worrying and even now he wondered why he did what he did. He couldn't explain it. Dean seemed to take the excuse though. He didn't seem like he knew that Castiel was lying to him. Perhaps it was because Castiel had never lied to him before. It was strange, especially with the amount of years they had been friends, that he never had lied. But back then, Castiel had no reason to lie to his friend. Why did he feel the need now?

        “Is that guy ever going to move out?” Dean groaned referring to Lucifer. Castiel rolled his eyes. Everyone asks that question. Lucifer was 27 years old and had no job, no plans and no degree.

         “Lucifer just needs to find an occupation he likes that's all.”

          "But didn't he, like, fail college?”

         “It wasn't for him.” Castiel wanted to believe that there was something Lucifer could do with his life; he couldn't be the basement dweller all his life. “Some people just don't do well in college. Lucifer will be fine once he gets on his feet.”

             Dean nodded but he didn't seem to really feel convinced. Castiel was use to that when it came to Lucifer; he hoped his brother would find something soon. He grabbed his notebook and one of his text books and tucked it under his arm. As he closed the locker only to reveal Dean staring at him intensely. Castiel bit his lip. Was he acting suspiciously? Did Dean know what he had done? Did Lisa say something?

            “So, beeper number.” Dean smiled and pointed at Castiel's notebook. Castiel opened his notebook and quickly jotted down his number. Tearing out the page, he moved to hand the page to Dean, who was ecstatic to receive it. He looked away from that happy expression because he just couldn't look him in the eye anymore. “I'll send you 03417 and you'll know it is me.”

        “Why that?”

         “0 for D, 3 for E, 4 for A, and 17 for the N.” Dean was pretty proud of himself for thinking about a code just for him. He didn't want to be lame and just page his number. “It makes perfect sense, Cas. And remember when I page you, you can call between 7-9. No calls past 9. Mom's rules.”

         “Alright.”

          “I'll page you later.” Dean folded the notebook paper and placed it into his back jean pocket. “Call me and tell me if you get it.”

         “Alright, Dean.” Castiel looked back at the crutch he leaned against the locker and sighed. How was he going to carry his books and use the crutches?

         “Hey, maybe I should have a code too.” Victor almost made him fall backwards if it wasn't for Benny catching him. He wasn't expecting them to pop out of no where like that. He now realized what Dean meant when he would usually show up behind him.

         “What are you going to page him, Victor?” Benny asked straightening up Castiel and snatching his materials out of his hands. Victor handed him his other crutch as Castiel sighed heavily. He really wished they would quit doing things like this. It really made him feel like they thought little of him. Feeling a little irritated, Castiel glared at Victor.

        “You can't page me boobs. My brother already does that.” He would have glared at Benny but the man was behind him steadying him by his shoulders. Victor's eyes widened and he looked slightly offended, but since everyone chuckled a bit, Castiel guessed they assumed he was only joking.

         “Hey, I have more class than that.” Victor chuckled and nodded towards the man currently making sure Castiel could stand fine. “Benny on the other hand.”

        “You starting something, brother?”

        Castiel sighed heavily. He should just tell them that he didn't need them but he was worried about how they may react. He didn't want things to be tense between them; it wouldn't be good for Dean. They were Dean's friends and so was he; it would be bad if they didn't get along but he really wished they would see him as someone who could take care of himself and not the damsel in distress.

         “Hey, guys.” Dean spoke as he looked down the hall distractedly. Lisa was walking down the hall towards her locker. “You go on ahead without me.”

        Castiel was reluctant to leave but he had no choice; Benny was holding his books and Victor was ushering him away. He could see just before he was turned towards his class that Dean had met up with Lisa once again to try to talk to her. She was reluctant at first, looking away from him, and then suddenly turned when he said something. What did he say?

         Castiel didn't have this class with Dean. Benny was in his class and there really wasn't anything he could say to him. Benny and Victor were Dean's friends and he found out pretty quickly they had nothing in common. He barely had much in common with Dean but for some reason they just worked. Dean was loud and loved classic cars and classic rock. Castiel was quiet and knew nothing of such classics; his idea of classics were classical music, old novels and poetry. Dean loved watching different TV shows and playing video games where Castiel opted to watch nature instead and do more rewarding past times like knitting, volunteering for a good cause or extra credit research. Castiel was the top of his class and would probably end up being his graduating class's valedictorian when all was said and done. Dean was a barely B student, who neglected his studies and frequently didn't do homework. He was a genius otherwise, his science fair project on robotics in eighth grade blew everyone's minds, but he never showed it in his academic career otherwise. It was hard for the teachers, especially since they knew Dean was rather capable. He, also, excelled in sports. He was in little league for a year; Castiel had watched a few games and he was amazing. In ninth grade, he joined the wrestling team and though he won a good amount of medals, he quit the team because he said it took up too much of his free time and he had to help out his mother. Castiel could understand the sentiment. He wanted to help his overworked mother as much as he could. Just because they were wealthy, didn't mean she didn't have trouble raising twelve kids. Castiel wanted to make her proud and have a rewarding job like Michael or Bartholomew to show her hard work wasn't in vain. He wanted to become an accountant or manager; something in the business world. He wanted to go up the ranks and make his family proud. Dean, however, had smaller ambitions. He had decided to follow his father's footsteps and be a mechanic. He didn't really find school important for his career choice.

        There was really not that much in common between the two of them despite being best friends. It made Castiel feel a little insecure about his position in Dean's life. The reason why Benny and Victor never really became his friends was because they really had nothing to talk about. Was being with Dean any different? They had not one interesting topic to talk about and most of the time, would only talk about school or family. Family was everything to Dean and Castiel loved listening to his stories even if he heard them a million times. When Dean was passionate about something, it was like lights just turned on inside him and he just glowed with happiness. Castiel loved when that happened; it was when Dean was the most beautiful.

        Beautiful? Castiel couldn't deny Dean was a rather attractive man. He had always found Dean to be the best looking among any person he had met. Perhaps it was because besides his looks, Castiel knew Dean was kind, giving and loyal. Those wonderful traits made him even more attractive and if people knew how wonderful his friend was, they would all surely agree; Dean was the most beautiful person in the whole school. Lisa didn't know it yet but Castiel was sure she would see it too once Dean got close enough, but the feeling he got from that wasn't pleasant at all.

         So, when Dean announced Lisa had finally agreed to go on a date with him, he couldn't be happy for his friend. That awful feeling had returned and it was much more powerful than before. Dean was all smiles though and he knew his friend was waiting for him to say something on the matter. He had to do his best to not let Dean know how he felt, even if he wasn't sure what is was about.

        “That's great, Dean.” He tried lying but he knew he was a terrible liar the moment he let the words fall from his lips. He didn't have as much practice with it and wasn't sure how to even look convincing. Something must have shown on his face because Dean frowned immediately.

        “Hey, what's with that face?” He asked patting his friend on the back so hard Castiel almost fell forward off his crutches. Dean was supposed to be walking him home to make sure he didn't fall; not to make it happen! “You'll get a chick or a dude someday. Just got to charm them with your nerdiness.”

        “You said you didn't like her type.” Castiel found himself complaining even though he tried his best not to.“Divas.”

         “She's not one dimensional, Cas.” Dean told him with a shrug. “Yeah, she's a diva sometimes but she helped you when you were hurt. There's more to her. Besides, she's bendy.”

        “Stop saying that like you have any experience in that category.” Castiel growled irritated by the whole situation. It caught Dean off guard. “You don't.”

         “Rhonda Hurly.” Dean mentioned and Castiel rolled his eyes. Some part of him was screaming for him to just accept what has happened and be calm but he couldn't. His chest hurt so bad and he just wanted to yell at someone.

        “She made you wear her underwear.”

         “Hey, she's a kinky gal.” Dean shrugged and looked at Castiel suggestively. “Loved her men dressed up during...” Dean didn't need to finish the sentence. His look was all Castiel needed to understand what he was trying to say. He found himself gasping in surprise.

         “You never told me!” He felt even worse suddenly, and he hadn't thought that was possible. It felt like his heart sunk down into his stomach and was currently breaking down. He felt betrayed, lied to and wronged. “Why didn't you tell me?”

          “I don't kiss and tell, Cas.”

          “But we tell each other everything.”

        He felt like he couldn't stand the pain anymore. Something was wrong; he never got this awful feeling before when Dean got with a girl. They never lasted long anyway. Lisa would be the same. She would go away soon, he just had to wait. Why did he even want to wait? No matter how many women there were, he and Dean were always going to be friends. So, why did he feel this way? Why was it so hard to breathe.

        “Poor dear, little Castiel. Straight from heaven he fell. He never truly fits in. As quiet as a kitten. I wonder if he's doing well.” Dean sang in that annoying tune Balthazar made up when he was in elementary school. It had gotten to the point his older brother would sing it anytime Castiel felt down and he had had enough of it. He was glad the man was off in Kansas City running a bar. Far away so he couldn't sing that annoying tune to him everyday.

         “I hate that song.”

         “It's a classic.” He chuckled and wrapped his arm around Castiel. “I wish Balthazar would come visit soon so I could thank him for that song.”

           He helped Castiel to his door and even opened it for him. He wasn't going to go inside, though, since he had a date. Castiel didn't want to even think about the date. Dean did not date. He made out with girls at school or maybe went to their houses but an actual date? Castiel couldn't understand why he was changing all of a sudden; he didn't like it at all.

          “By the way, she told me she liked you a lot, Cas.” Dean told him as he sat Castiel's backpack down in the entrance way. “Was strangely hard to convince her to go with me when my competition was a dorky guy like you.”

          “What is that supposed to mean?”

         “Nothing but she had a thing for you, Cas. You almost had a chance with a bendy chick.”

          Castiel didn't want a chance with Lisa; he didn't like Lisa. In fact, he hated Lisa. Lisa was a horrible person. If she liked him so much, why was she going with Dean? Obviously, she couldn't make up her mind or maybe she was just that easy. Castiel caught himself before his poisonous thoughts got even worse. What was he doing? She was sweet, kind and worried about him genuinely. She was a wonderful person and yet here he was thinking awful things about her.

           “Forget it.” Castiel looked away from his friend ashamed. Since Lisa came, he had become rotten. He was a horrible friend and now he was being a horrible person. He found himself genuinely hoping they wouldn't last and that was awful.

             “You know she thought you found her bracelet.” Dean mentioned quietly which made Castiel's heart freeze. He knew. He knew what a despicable person Castiel had become and now it was too late. He didn't even know what he could say to make it better, if there was anything he could say.

              “I-”

             “I know. She just assumed it was you because you gave it to her.” Dean smiled softly and gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “My fault for having you be my messenger. I should have handed it myself. I know you wouldn't purposely do anything like that.”

         “Right.” It was so hard watching Dean trying to stay loyal when he knew his friend must have noticed that Castiel was most likely lying. But Dean smiled regardless and nodded his head like he believed it. Maybe he was blinded and really did believe it; Castiel could only hope.

         “Right!” Dean sighed in relief and patted his friend's back. “You're my best friend. You'll always have my back!”

         “Right.” No, Castiel wouldn't. He couldn't. He didn't want Dean to be with Lisa and could only hope this would be temporary. He didn't want to help Dean get Lisa. He wanted Lisa gone and he couldn't stop himself from hoping she would be soon. He felt awful when he thought of them together and he was beginning to realize why. He was jealous. Castiel was without a doubt jealous of the woman who was able to snag his best friend's affections. He wanted her gone because he wanted to be beside him instead. Castiel sat down on his couch as he heard Dean leave for his date; for Lisa. He understood why he had been behaving so horribly and why he couldn't stand the thought of those two together. There was no doubt about it anymore.

 

         He was in love with Dean.

 


	6. Chapter 6

        She'll leave soon; it was what he told himself every time Dean chose her over him. They usually hung out in the afternoon everyday but as time went by, Dean got more and more dates with Lisa. Pretty soon it was official. Dean Winchester had a girlfriend in more than just name; he actually took their new status seriously. Castiel couldn't even call Dean at night anymore because he was too busy chatting with Lisa or taking her off on another date. Dean kept pushing back all their plans and even though he didn't really enjoy video games as much as his friend, he couldn't help feeling disappointed every time their plans were change.

        This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Dean wasn't supposed to put anything before them; he never had before. Any woman he was with he would gladly cancel any plans with them to hang out with Castiel. He would run off very often but Castiel always knew when it all boiled down to it, Dean would always choose him in the end. Now he wasn't so sure.

        It would be easier if Lisa wasn't so likeable. She was kind, funny and genuinely cared about Castiel. She would ask if he was alright whenever he couldn't take seeing them smiling at each other anymore. She was concerned when Castiel was quiet for too long and she was smart. Castiel had had many good conversations with her and couldn't really fault her for catching Dean's eye. She was the whole package and he was just the friend.

        It hurt every time he saw them together but he couldn't say a word. If he did, he knew Dean would leave him. Even though the two had only been dating for a week, he was certain that Dean would choose Lisa over him.

        His fears were beginning to be realized when Dean canceled on him last minute. They were going to go play a video game at Dean's house. Castiel never really liked playing video games much but he enjoyed being with Dean. But since he began dating Lisa, they were seeing less and less of each other. He had thought today would be different since he heard no news of plan changes all day. He didn't think that by the time he walked out of the school that Dean would suddenly change his mind.

        “Cas, I'm really sorry. I know we were going to play Mortal Kombat but Lisa really wants to check out that new cafe.”

        “It's fine.” It wasn't but Castiel had learned to say that line without faltering even a little bit. It use to be hard but the more he said it, the easier it became. Lying was becoming easier for Castiel and he wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not. Dean definitely trusted him and that must meant he was at least good at it. However, he wasn't sure how he should feel about that. “I don't really care for those types of video games.”

        “I'll make it up to you.” Dean promised like he always did.

        It didn't mean much anymore. Lisa always had something she wanted to do with Dean and Dean always obliged. Castiel kept counting the days hoping that she would be gone soon. Dean was known for his longest relationship being a little over a month. Castiel could wait for a month. After all, it had only been a few days; it was still September, too early to worry about this relationship but he couldn't help it. Dean treated Lisa different from any other girl.

         He was glad he no longer had to limp around. If he still relied on those crutches he would be a sorry sight hobbling down the road. He still felt that he probably looked pitiful even without them; walking alone with his head low. He would stay strong in front of others but once the distance was just right, he would stop the facade; it was exhausting anyway.

        “I'll walk you home.” Victor ran up to him looking a bit concern. Castiel was confused; he hadn't let go of everything yet. He should still be looking strong. He was sure nothing had been showing on his face. If it has, Dean has been pretending not to notice.

        “Vick, he don't need to be walked home.” Benny told Victor with a sigh as he came to join them on the sidewalk. “Unless you want some company.”

        “Weren't you the one that said he needed to be protected?”

        That was the last straw. It always frustrated Castiel when they treated him like some porcelain doll; like at any moment he could drop and shatter into a million pieces. Castiel knew he wasn't like that at all; just because he chose to stay silent and not argue needlessly didn't mean he was weak. He has endured so much until this point. His family's situation may be good monetarily but there is problems that occur in a family with twelve children. Him being one of the youngest didn't help. Now, his best friend of many years, who he just realized he has feelings for, was now dating a beautiful woman that he was sure he couldn't compete with. He was already full of anger about everything. He was so frustrated inside that he believed even if he screamed it would relieve nothing. But it didn't change the fact that he wanted to yell, he wanted to lash out but he kept it inside; always inside. Then, they said that irritating thing and he couldn't hold it in any longer.

        “I'm fine guys. I'm not made of glass and I'm a guy too, you know! I can take care of myself! It's not like we're really friends or anything! So, leave me alone for once! ” He found himself yelling taking them both by surprise. He could see their shock slowly morph into a look of hurt. Castiel turned away from them not wanting to look at the pain in their eyes any longer. They weren't friends; they weren't! So, why did they have to look so hurt after he told them the truth? Summoning his strength, Castiel decided to walk home leaving them there without an apology or an excuse for his anger. Instead, he just told them “But thank you for your concern.”

        He was upset with so many horrible emotions going through him. He lost his best friend to silly emotions that he had. He would like to think that nothing had changed between them but it had. Dean was his whole world before and now he saw him less and less. When he did see him, part of him felt pained because he knew Dean belonged to another. Castiel wasn't sure if he could ignore that part of him forever. Also, he just hurt two people that could have been his friends in Dean's stead; two people that seemed to genuinely care about him. Castiel had no one now and it was all his fault. He must have done something terrible in another life to suffer in this way.

        He didn't want to think about all these depressing thoughts. He would drown them out with some studying. Maybe he would work hard to get accepted to a good school and perhaps get a really nice job. Maybe he could impress Dean with his success. No. Dean wasn't one to be impressed by those type of things and even if he was, he would only be proud of a friend. There was no room in Dean's heart for Castiel; not in that special place reserved for lovers. Dean had never stated his preferences to Castiel but he could see, based on who Dean pursued, that he leaned more towards women. There was no way he would even be considered.

         When he walked into his door, Castiel dropped everything inside him. This was a safe place and there was no way Dean or anyone at school could see him. He let off a heavy weight as he walked here but inside the security of his home, he shed off the rest of his troubles. Sighing heavily, he walked towards the staircase.

        “You're home early.” Gabriel was sitting on the couch munching on a chocolate bar when he stopped him. He was nineteen years old now. After refusing to go to college, Gabriel requested the college fund money and bought an old shop building in town. He had fixed it up and currently was selling candy there. Business is slow for him but Gabriel had a lot of hopes to making something more out of it. He wanted to prove he could be successful without college. Castiel was quite interested to see how it went since Gabriel liked closing the shop at random times just to relax like he was now.

        Castiel wasn't expecting his brother to lounging about at home at this time. School had ended for the day and it was a perfect time to gain customers but here he was sitting on the couch wondering why he was home early. He could ask the same thing but he didn't. He just adjusted his book bag and turned to face his brother.

        “I think it would be best to focus on my studies.” He told him easier than he would have before Dean began dating Lisa. Lying wasn't so hard. Gabriel smiled and nodded but there was something wrong with his smile. Something was different.

        It wasn't until he heard a knock on his door that he found out what was wrong. He was in the middle of reading ahead in his science class, when he heard them. They were whispering on the other side of his door before they knocked once again.

        “Hey, little bro.” Gabriel was the first to speak. “Big bro patrol here.”

        That meant there were two older brothers on the other side of that door. There were only two that lived with them and he knew exactly who the other brother was: Lucifer.

         “Can you not?” Castiel knew that if they were here, something must have slipped. He finally understood the strangeness in his brother's smile. He had been suspicious of Castiel. Perhaps, he wasn't as good as a liar as he thought.

        “That is a negative.” Lucifer spoke up, knocking on the door again. “Let us in.”

        If he didn't let them in, Castiel feared the two of them would knock down his door. Their knocks got more insistent and loud. Sighing deeply, Castiel lifted himself from his desk and opened the door for the two.

         “What do you both need?” He watched as they entered quietly and sat on his bed.

        “What happened?” Lucifer was the first to speak looking very concerned. “You can tell us.”

        “Nothing happened.” Castiel lied hoping that he was doing a better job than earlier. “I just want to get to a good college.”

        “Where's Dean?” Gabriel may like to play around and pull a lot of tricks but he was very keen. “Aren't you two joined by the hip?”

        “He's with Lisa.”

        “Lisa?” They both looked confused now. He hadn't told any of his family about Lisa and Dean hadn't brought it up to them either. Why would he? The only person he ever came to see here was Castiel and they had been seeing less and less of each other.

        “His girlfriend.” Castiel looked down as he spoke. It hurt just to say those words but he tried to keep it in. Both his brothers looked at each other with questioning glances.

        “So, he kicked you to the curb for a hottie.” Gabriel joked with an amused expression until Lucifer dug his elbow into his side. With a cough, Gabriel began to look more sympathetic and just said “Harsh.”

         Kicked him to the curb? Castiel did feel like he was kicked to the curb. He felt like he was an abandoned puppy being placed in a box but no one was going to pick him up. No one wanted this puppy that had grown too big to be taken care of. Dean and he had so many precious memories. They were at each others side always. He was a loyal friend and there were so many happy times but then Castiel grew too big and it was time to get rid of him. He was such a fool thinking Dean and he would be together always. Even if Dean still genuinely thought of them as friends, Castiel knew he couldn't go back to those days; not while Lisa was in the picture. Even with her gone, things had changed. Castiel was in love with his best friend and he didn't love him back. This wouldn't change regardless.

        “I don't care.” Castiel told them trying his best to remain calm. He wanted to forget all these unhappy thoughts and pretend that nothing bothered him. “I'm happy for him.”

        “Are you?” Lucifer gave him that look he always gave when he was trying to get others to open more. Castiel wasn't interested in pouring out all his feelings. He didn't want them to know how pathetic and rotten he had become. With a hard sigh, he walked towards them and tried to nudge them off the bed.

        “I have a lot of studying to do so, get out.”

        “Don't be like that, Castiel.” Lucifer got on his feet and motioned for Gabriel to follow suit. “We're your family. We will always be here if you need us.”

         “Coming from Lucifer, that means a lot.” Gabriel snorted gaining a dirty look from the eldest brother in the room.

        “What are you insinuating, dear little brother?”

         “You stabbed me three days ago with a knife” Gabriel clutched his stomach as if just mentioning it brought back the feeling of that stab.

         “A plastic butter knife and you didn't even get cut. It broke on you.” Lucifer rolled his eyes but Gabriel wasn't going to let it go that easily.

        “You wanted me dead.”

        “A lot of people want you dead, Gabriel.” Lucifer sighed and shook his head. “However, I am not on that list. It was a plastic butter knife.”

        “It was a kill stab.” Gabriel whined but then turned to look at Castiel with a playful expression. He winked dramatically at him and said “But I survived.”

          “Gabriel, you were stealing my piece of cake.” Lucifer told him crossing his arms over his chest. Castiel hadn't seen this event happen and wasn't aware there was any issues between his two brothers. However, he really hoped they wouldn't argue about it in his room. He had things to do and they weren't to hear them complain. Lucifer was still defending his decision though forgetting where he was.“I did the first thing I could do to prevent my slice from being taken.”

        “You stabbed me!”

        “I had the knife in my hand anyway.”

         “What if it was a real knife?” Gabriel asked looking very concerned. “I could have been killed!”

        “Don't be over dramatic, cake thief.”

         “Brothers!” Castiel had had enough of this. He did not invite them into his room for them to argue with each other. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact he knew they would find a way in regardless, he would have never let them in in the first place. They weren't helping him feel better at all. “If you will stop bickering, I have a lot of studying to do.”

         “Look what you did, Lucy.” Gabriel accused making Lucifer look rather offended.

         “What I did?”

          “Just get out.” Castiel pushed them both out of his room and shut the door. He went back to his reading, taking notes as he went along. It helped more than the little scene his brother put on for him. When he was focusing on school work, he didn't have to think about depressing things. He wouldn't have to think about how awkward lunch may be now that he hurt Benny and Victor or what Dean was doing at the moment.

            The phone rung but he ignored it. It wasn't for him anyway. Dean was too busy with Lisa to call him tonight. It was insistent though and none of his other siblings were picking it up. With a groan, Castiel picked up the phone from his end. He was surprised when he heard Dean's voice on the other line.

          “Dean.” Castiel couldn't believe he called. Shouldn't he be off at some cafe with Lisa? “Hello. I thought you would be busy tonight.”

           “Cas, I got time for you.” Dean told him with amusement in his voice. “Always do.”

         It would be nice if that was true but ever since Lisa, Castiel doubted the verity of that statement. He was pretty sure as time went on, it would become less true. He didn't blame Dean. No one can control who they loved and it wasn't like there was some magical way to make Dean turn his way. He didn't blame Lisa either even though sometimes he felt particularly angry towards her. No one was at fault but it still didn't feel fair.

         “Hey, the state fair, you going?”

          “I don't usually go to fairs.” It wasn't a lie but Castiel neglected to mention that he had never been to a fair. It just wasn't something his family did. They had nothing against fairs, Anna and Hannah had gone with their boyfriends plenty of times, but he just never had a chance to go.

           “Well, how about that be how I make up for ditching you these past days, huh?” Dean was going to take him to the fair? Castiel felt joy rush through him and for a moment he forgot all about the worries and pain from before. “How about it? Wanna go to the state fair this weekend? My mom will drive us.”

          “Yeah, I would love to go.”

           “Cool. I'll pick you up at your house.”

           Castiel was going to go to the fair with Dean. They were going to spend a whole day together like they use to. He could hardly wait for the day to come.

           Maybe he wasn't kicked to the curb after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter of two I was planning on updating close to each other  
> Due to circumstances, I may update the second chapter tomorrow or day after.  
> Keep a look out :D


	7. Chapter 7

        The day didn't come soon enough in Castiel's opinion. Too long had he waited for a chance to be with Dean like they use to be. Now he was going to the fair for the very first time and was so excited. He couldn't wait to share this experience with his best friend. Maybe they could ride the Ferris wheel. Anna had told him that ride in particular was very romantic. Castiel found himself wishing he and Dean could ride it together even though he knew nothing would come out of it.

         He didn't need to think about this troublesome love. He could have fun with Dean regardless if he shared his feelings or not; they were friends! This wasn't the time to think about Dean's relationship with Lisa. The day was going to be about two best friends enjoying themselves at a fair. Castiel wondered what they could do; he knew Dean loved rides so he was sure they would go on many of them. Ana had told him about her boyfriend winning her a prize and Castiel wasn't sure if he wanted Dean to win him a prize or if he should win one for him.

         He heard the familiar rumble of Dean's family's car. It was a 1967 Chevy Impala, Dean had made sure Castiel remembered the make and model; he loved that car. They had had that car since the beginning and Dean was sure they always would. His father was a mechanic so he always kept it running smoothly. However, it wasn't much of a family car but Dean didn't want any other car driving him around.

       Castiel grabbed his things and said goodbye to his family. His mother excitedly waved him goodbye; she was so happy that he was going to go do something fun for a change. Castiel knew he rarely went out but her behavior made him feel like she thought he was a hermit in training. When he reached the car, he noticed Dean and Sam first, then he looked to the front seat and noticed Lisa.

        “Hello, Lisa.” Castiel couldn't say he wasn't disappointed. Dean had said that this was to make up for him ditching him, how was he to make up anything if the reason for the ditching was present too? Was Castiel just an awkward third wheel now?

        “Are we picking up anyone else?” Mary, Dean's mother, asked as she looked back at her sons. She had the boys sit in the back and Lisa in the front. She knew what it was like to be young and it was going to be a long drive; she didn't want to have to check on the lovebirds constantly while driving.

        “No, just Cas.” Dean gestured for Castiel to join him in the back seat. It was a tight fit since Dean wasn't one to close his legs to give much space but Castiel didn't mind. He could barely think of anything else besides Dean's outer thigh pressed against his.

        “Cas is Dean's best friend. I'm sure you two will get along great.” Mary told Lisa with a smile and the girl just giggled slightly.

       “Oh, I know Cas is a sweet heart.”

          “You're very nice too, Lisa.” Castiel told her and it was the truth. She was very nice but he wished she wasn't. It would make him feel less like the bad person there. Here he was enjoying the closeness to her boyfriend that the car provided when she was only a inches away from him. She trusted him and treated him nicely. Yet, all he ever did was hope she would go away.

         Mary started to move as soon as Castiel had buckled his seat belt. Dean and Sam weren't wearing one and Dean made an amused sound when Castiel clicked the belt in place. Sam leaned over Dean pushing his brother further into his friend. Castiel turned his head quickly to see the boy smiling shyly at him.

         “I'm nice too, Cas.”

          “Of course, you are, Sam.” Castiel nodded politely to the child and gave him a small smile. Sam bit his bottom lip as his cheeks began to flush a bit with color. It was then Dean pushed his little brother away from him.

        “Hey, you have plenty of room on your side.” Dean complained scooting a bit more towards Castiel. “Stop squishing me.”

         Sam pouted and moved back against his seat. Dean looked between him and Castiel and shook his head. Castiel didn't know why Sam was upset but he guessed the boy just wanted to talk more. Every time he went to Dean's house they never really had much time to talk. It was strange but Sam usually had more topics to talk about than Dean. Castiel shared a lot of common interests with Sam and despite their age difference, they had plenty of good conversations. It was just that every time they had those conversations, Castiel had to leave to accompany Dean. Perhaps if he lost Dean, he may still have Sam to be his friend. Castiel shook his head. Why did he think of something like that?

          The ride was long to get to the state fair. It was two hours from Lawrence to the fairgrounds and the longer Castiel sat there the more he felt out of place. Mary was talking animatedly to Lisa and genuinely seemed to like the girl. Of course, she did; Lisa was very likeable. Dean commented once in a while in their conversation but for the most part only complained about the lack of rock music. Castiel could have started a conversation but he didn't know what to talk about. So, when they arrived to the fairground parking lot, he was very thankful.

         “Here's our stop.” Mary told them as she parked the car and grabbed her purse. Dean nudged Castiel's thigh with his own and Castiel finally freed himself from the back seat. Once they were all out and ready to purchase the tickets, Mary began explaining to them how they were going to split up. Since it was a long drive to the fair, Mary wasn't going to just head home. She and Sam were going to enjoy the fair together while the three teenagers went around to enjoy the fair. That way if there was a ride Sam couldn't go on but Dean could, neither of them would feel bad. Also, Mary knew teenagers weren't going to like the same activities as children. “Dean, we'll meet up here in the parking lot by 6:30. I'll page Castiel if there is a change in plans.”

         “You have a beeper?” Lisa looked at Castiel like he was the most amazing person she had ever met. “So, cool.”

         “Yeah.” Castiel wasn't really expecting to be looked at like that. He didn't really know how to respond. He knew having a beeper was a status symbol and he knew not everyone could afford it. However, he really didn't think it was that amazing.

        “His sisters have cell phones.” Dean told Lisa with a shrug.

        “Wow, I want a cell phone.” Lisa said with a small pout. Dean chuckled and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

         “You and me both.”

        Castiel walked behind the couple as they went past a few interesting stalls. There was strange food being sold at the fair and Castiel was quite interested in seeing what they tasted like. Maybe Lisa and Dean would help him taste some of these strange things. He announced he was going to check out one of the stalls and quickly moved over to check it out. It wasn't long until he noticed Dean and Lisa were still walking away. Frowning, Castiel hurried back without even getting one thing to eat.

         Dean and Lisa were chatting about something that he didn't really care for when they stopped by a ride. Dean loved rides and would probably want to check it out. It looked a bit crazy but that was Dean's sort of thing. The ride twirled a lot while people were strapped inside. It looked interesting. Of course, Dean mentioned his interest and Castiel agreed to go with him. Lisa decided that she would sit that one out and Castiel couldn't help but be happy for her decision. It looked like Dean and he would spend a lot of time in the line and on the ride together. But Dean as a kind soul, who always thought of others. So, he decided against riding the rides and told Lisa he would win her something instead. Castiel looked back at the ride sadly. He guessed there weren't going to be any rides today.

         Dean focused on winning a prize for Lisa. He was playing ring toss and he kept missing. After many tries where Castiel just stood around awkwardly behind them, he gave up but wanted to try another game. Lisa grabbed his arm and told him he wasted enough of their money and Castiel hadn't even had a turn. Castiel tried to assure Lisa that he wasn't interested in the game and he was just hungry. So, the three of them sat down to eat, Lisa trying to make conversation with him, trying to include him. She wanted him to have a good time too and it just bothered Castiel more. He wished she was mean so he could hate her properly.

         Dean asked if Lisa liked any of the rides and if she was interested in going on any of them. She told him she didn't like rides at all. Castiel had to resist showing his cruel amusement. He didn't like rides either but he was willing to ride them with Dean because that's what friends were for. Sometimes you had to sacrifice a little. Dean would oblige Castiel with other activities as long as Castiel obliged Dean with his. Then Dean brought up the Ferris wheel.

        Castiel had thought about the Ferris wheel all the time before he came there. He had thought of riding it with Dean but now there were three of them. He would be that awkward person in the same area if it was big enough for four. If it was only big enough for two, he would have to ride alone. Dean apparently didn't think about that when he offered that they ride it.

         Lisa was really happy and kissed Dean on the cheek. It was an innocent display of affection but it was enough to bother Castiel. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and when he returned he found them ready to go. Walking behind the couple who leaned against each other just made Castiel more and more unhappy. Before the reached the Ferris wheel he decided to slip away and find a pay phone. He couldn't be here any longer.

        “Pick me up.” He demanded immediately when he heard his house phone pick up.

        “Cassie?” It was Gabriel. He must have been taking some random break from his store again. Castiel wished he would take his responsibility seriously but this worked out for him in the end.

         “Please, Gabriel.”

          “Where are you calling from?”

        “The fair. I'm using a pay phone.” Castiel explained. He was at the fair but he still felt like he had never been before. There was nothing he did here. He hadn't a chance to try any strange food, play games or ride rides. It was too crowded and noisy to enjoy on his own. The only reason he came was to be with Dean and there was no way it could be just them with Lisa around. “Gabriel. I just want to go home.”

         “I'm coming don't worry.” Gabriel hurriedly said. “Did you tell Dean you were leaving?”

         “It will take you a while to get here.” Castiel didn't want to talk about Dean right now. He didn't want to think of them riding the Ferris wheel together.“You know where the fairgrounds are?”

         “Bumfuck nowhere?”

         “Gabriel.” Castiel sighed and looked around. It didn't seem like the couple was looking for him; that was a little disappointing. “I'm going to find Mary and tell her you are picking me up early.”

         “I'm driving two hours for your butt.” Gabriel told him with a jingle in the background. It must have been him grabbing his keys. “You better be thankful.”

         “I am.”

        It took a while to find Mary and Sam after the phone call. Sam was eleven but there were certain rides Mary didn't want him to go on. He was definitely tall enough, but Mary was worried he would get sick on certain rides. So, Sam was left to amuse himself in the game area primarily. Castiel saw Mary first looking down at her son with a proud smile.

         “Mary.” He called out to her as he neared her. Mary turned around all smiles until she noticed Castiel was alone.

          “Castiel! Hey.” She looked around him and behind herself. “Where's Dean and Lisa?”

         “I don't know.” Castiel didn't want to know. It didn't matter anyway. They probably didn't even know he was gone with the way they were in their own world.

         “Are you alright honey?” Mary looked concerned but he just forced a smile and nodded.

          “My brother's picking me up.” He told her trying hard not to seem like anything was the matter.“He's on his way.”

         “Honey, it's only 3.” Mary paused and looked at Castiel for a moment before nodding. She must have realized something from how Castiel was behaving. “Alright. How about you play with Sam while you wait.”

         “Hi, Cas.” Sam brightened up when he realized Castiel was going to stay with him and his mother. He was currently playing a water shooting game. There were plenty of prizes to be won and though Sam hadn't gotten one, he seemed sure that he would this time. “Watch this.” He squirted the gun but the water didn't hit the large target at all. Sam looked down embarrassed. “Uh, I did better last time.”

          “I know you did, Sam.” Castiel assured him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He could see Sam's ears getting red, he didn't think he was that unhappy for losing.

         “I'll, uh, win you something!” Sam told him without looking back at him. Castiel shook his head with a smile.

         “You don't have to do that.” He told him. He didn't want the kid to feel worse when he lost. It was one thing to lose without any goal in mind. However, when you have a goal, defeat feels worse. Sam shook his head and grabbed the gun. He motioned for his mom to give another dollar to the man. Mary sighed. This was going to eat up a lot of their spending money.

         “I want to.”

* * *

 

         Before they reached their destination, Dean tried to win something for Lisa. He really needed to impress her somehow and he was sure if he could get her a big prize.  He tried many different games but he didn't seem to be doing well at all. Lisa was supportive despite his failures. During all those games, he didn't perform as great as he thought he would. He was beginning to fear that there was no way he was going to win her a prize until he found a shooting game. He excelled at shooting games. He told Lisa to just wait and he was going to secure her a toy. 

        Of course, he won and he was pretty proud when he gave the pink bear to Lisa. He suddenly wanted to tell Castiel all about it and maybe even get him something. Castiel. He almost forgot about his best friend; how could he do that? Castiel was just so quiet naturally, so he guessed it was easy for him to blend into the background. He went to turn to look at him but Lisa pulled him towards the Ferris wheel line She said they had to hurry or the line would get longer. Dean hadn't looked behind him at all during all of this. He hadn't realized Castiel hadn't been there for a long time.

          They got settled in the line for the Ferris wheel when he looked back and noticed Castiel was gone. He looked around everywhere but couldn't find him. Where did he go? Did someone take him. Dean was beginning to panic and tried walking out of the line until Lisa grabbed him and he remembered where he was.

           “Where's Cas?” He asked confused. Lisa pressed her lips together and looked very confused as well.

          “Guess he had something else to do?” She tried to assure him but Dean just shook his head.

          “Cas never has something else to do.”

           Castiel was missing and it wasn't that the guy couldn't handle himself but Dean would feel more at ease if he could just see him somewhere. Castiel was an innocent guy and someone could be taking advantage of him. The place was crowded and the line to the Ferris wheel was growing larger and larger. But Castiel was out there somewhere and Dean didn't know if he was hurt or lost. He pulled away from Lisa and left the line.

          “Hold on.” He told her as he walked towards a nearby payphone.

* * *

 

          Sam never did win a prize for Castiel but the guy at the booth took pity on him and gave him a small doll. Sam, of course, gave the doll to Castiel. Castiel thanked him and smiled happily when he received it. Even now as he approached the parking lot he held the stuffed blue bunny in one hand. His brother was leaning against his newest car with a smile.

         “Your chariot awaits.” He told him patting his sleek black car. Castiel rolled his eyes.

         “Can you ever page me with something other than boobs?”

          “Nope.” Gabriel opened the passenger door for him when his beeper started going off.

         Castiel checked his beeper and saw numbers he hadn't thought he would ever see on it. 03417 was clear on his beeper which meant Dean was looking for him. It took him two hours but now he was looking for him. Castiel didn't know if he should laugh or cry; it was ridiculous. He ripped his beeper off his belt and stuffed it in his pocket. He didn't even want to look at it.

         “What's that?” Gabriel asked as Castiel hurried into the car.

         “It's nothing.”

         He knew where he stood now and Castiel decided that from now on, he wasn't going to put any hope on Dean. He wasn't going to hope his friend would be with just him or that Lisa would leave. It didn't matter anymore. It wasn't like he cared. If Dean didn't care, neither would he.

         Or at least, he would try not to.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was thinking. This story (atm) takes place in the 90s and I tend to listen to a 90s playlist as I type XD.   
> So, I thought I would suggest a song each chapter just because. Songs that I'm reminded of when I write the chapter.   
> This one came from 1999 and just so you know, when Castiel is in 10th grade, the school year is 1994-1995. So, this is a bit past the year there but it's a nice song for how Castiel feels about Benny and Victor. Mainly just the lines "Was I out of my head was or was I out of my mind. How could I have ever be so blind." and "No matter what I say only what I do, I never mean to do bad things to you." The song itself I think means something else but I just heard it as I typed and thought why not. It's Out of My Head by Fastball.  
> But yeah, I put this in the beginning in case you want to listen to it while reading. :D

        It was getting easier for Castiel to pretend nothing bothered him. Dean still wondered what happened at the fair but didn't press the subject after Castiel told him he was merely bored. Dean didn't bother to figure out the real reason even though Castiel was sure he didn't buy what he said at all. Things went back to normal in a way.

        Lisa and Dean broke up in November. Lisa was upset that Dean didn't seem to care much for her friends and chose them over him. Lisa had become friends with Bela and Ruby, two girls that for some reason rubbed Dean the wrong way. Bela was fiercely competitive and somehow always showed Dean up when it came to scores on video games. Dean never liked being asked his score on a certain game because he always knew Bela was only asking to gloat about her own. Ruby was just rude in general but was very nice inside. Dean just didn't like her because he believed she was hiding something and didn't want to be near her.

        Lisa thought both were wonderful girls and was very offended that Dean didn't think so as well. Perhaps they said a few things to her as well, causing her to accuse him of hating them and breaking up with him. Dean was back on the market and saw a few other girls but none of them lasted very long. Castiel stayed by him the entire time listening to his anger towards how petty Lisa was and how he didn't care because there were many other girls but Castiel could see he was down. So, it wasn't a surprise that they got back together right before Christmas break.

         When they got back from break, Dean and Lisa were back to being close as can be and Castiel went back to pretending. He could pretend all he wanted but nothing was going to hide the fact that Benny and Victor were still not talking to him. When they saw him, they turned and went the other direction. Recently, however, they could stand the sight of him and would stand in the background when Dean spoke to him but they never said a word. Not to him at least.

        “Hey, you got a cell phone?” Dean had gasped the moment Castiel had pulled it out of his coat pocket to call his home. He was going to play video games at Dean's house and had to let them know he'd be over there.

       “Well, yeah.” Castiel didn't think it was anything special but after the fair event, Gabriel had been hinting that Castiel needed a cell phone since a pager wasn't convenient enough. Castiel was fine with his pager and still kept it on in case someone wanted to message him. The cellphone was useful, though. It meant he didn't have to go searching for a payphone every time he got a message to call someone. Gabriel wanted him to have just in case something like the fair happened again; Castiel was certain though that that would never happen again. He had closed his heart since that even and wasn't going to go on any other trip with Dean. “My parents got it for me for Christmas.”

         “Unfair. You rich boys get everything.” Dean groaned and shook his head. Castiel hated that Dean always had to point out that his family was well to do as if he lived his life without any worries.“I want a cell phone. My dad works himself to death just to get me a Playstation for Christmas. Mom's still mad about that. By the way, I got one.”

         “Does your dad ever come home nowadays?” Castiel asked eying Dean suspiciously. He knew his father worked very hard and that was an admirable trait but his father did the same thing and he never saw him. His father was always in his office thinking up new stories or lying on his couch with a migrane. No one saw him and no one spoke to him. It had been days since he had actually seen his father and he was hoping that Dean wasn't being subjected to the same problems.

        “Hey, man.” Dean shook his head. “Sensitive subject. He's working hard for us. He wants us to have a nice life.”

         “I'd be happier with my dad around.” Castiel wished Dean could see how good he had it. He had one other sibling and his mother always had time for him. Even though his father worked hard, he at least saw him at dinner most of the time. Castiel's father always took his meals in his office. He never really knew the man even though they lived in the same house.

         “Yeah, I guess we both know a thing or two about absent fathers.”

         “Your dad actually coached little league remember?” Castiel remembered going to the games to watch Dean play. He was jealous when he saw how happy Dean was with his father; he wished his father could be like that with him at least once.

        “Yeah, for like a year.” Dean leaned against the locker and sighed. “It's my fault. I remembered being bummed out when all I got was clothes. Or maybe I just annoyed him when he was home more. Maybe he just wanted to work as an excuse.”

        “You can't blame yourself.” Castiel couldn't see how any of it was Dean's fault; he always had that nasty habit of putting the blame on himself. “Your father makes his own choices and I'm sure he loves you. Why else would he work hard to get you a Playstation?”

        “To shut me up?”

        Before they could head out, Lisa marched towards them with a rather tense look on her face. Castiel was unsure why she seemed so upset since she and Dean had gotten back together. Unless, she didn't want him to play video games at his house. Perhaps, she wanted the time for herself.

        “Dean, we need to talk.” She said crossing her arms over her chest. Dean looked over at her a little confused but turned back to Castiel.

        “I will-” When he looked back and saw her face even more angry than before, he stopped saying his sentence. With a defeated sigh, he looked back at Castiel and shrugged. “I'll see you later, Cas.”

         Castiel was left by the lockers with Benny and Victor. The two had remained silent the entire time as they usually did since Castiel's outburst that one time. He felt awful about it now that everything had settled. He wanted to apologize to them but he wasn't sure what words to say. They were here now and there was no time like the present. Before he could utter a single word to them, Victor pushed himself off the locker and shook his head. Benny stood around awkwardly as the boy sighed exaggeratedly.

         “Come on, Benny.” Victor signaled for his friend to follow as he began to walk away. “Rich kid thinks he's too good for us.”

        “Vick.” Benny looked a little conflicted and distraught. He looked back at Castiel before walking away. He didn't say a single word to him.

        Castiel felt awful. He was glad that the two never really said anything to Dean since his friend was none the wiser, but it didn't make him feel any better. He just wanted to apologize for everything he said back then; he didn't mean what he said. But now, they didn't want to hear him and he ruined any chance of them actually becoming friends.

        Looking over to Dean, he saw he was chatting rather tensely with Lisa. He couldn't burden Dean with his problems, especially when he had caused them, but there was no one else to talk to about them. Shaking his head, he decided that Dean would do better without knowing his three friends were having some problems. He had enough to worry about.

        Castiel just wished he could hide away and be alone for a little while. If he could fit in his locker, he may have tried to hide there. Maybe then he could forget about how hurt they looked when he yelled at them. Maybe he could hide away from the pain he felt every time Lisa touched Dean and kissed him. He could throw all that outside and just hide.

         He needed to be alone. Turning to walk away, he smashed into another student. The boy, taller than he but completely unprepared, fell to the floor, his papers scattering around the hall. Castiel couldn't believe that he had already made another mistake. Quickly, he started picking up the papers for the boy. The boy got onto his knees immediately and tried assisting.

        “I'm terribly sorry.” The boy spoke as if he was a very soft spoken and nervous individual. Castiel felt even worse.

        “It's alright.” He told the boy looking up at him with a smile. The boy seemed to be awestruck by something when he looked up at him. Castiel was confused. Was there something directly behind him? “It's-”

        “I'm Ephraim.” The boy said suddenly and smiled brightly. It was then Castiel got to truly see the boy's face. He was a handsome boy with light, golden brown hair and light blue eyes. He had already begun growing a bit of facial hair which not many their age could accomplish. It looked good on him but Castiel didn't know who the boy was. He wasn't in any of his classes. Forgetting that at the moment, Castiel nodded and introduced himself.

        “Castiel.”

        “That's a beautiful name.” Ephraim commented biting his bottom lip. Castiel's smile wavered and was at a loss for what to say.

        “Uh, thank you.” Castiel had never been told that before. Most people said it was interesting, a mouthful or weird. Beauty had never really been associated with a name like his. He straightened up the papers in his hands and gave them over to the boy. “Here.”

         “Thank you.” Ephraim put all the papers together and stood up; Castiel following suit. “See you around, Castiel?”

         "Of course.” It was at this time Dean decided to come back to him. He didn't look very happy and Castiel feared that their plans would be canceled yet again.

        “Can you believe her?” His friend complained while shaking his head. Castiel was confused. Dean had never spoken about Lisa like this before. Usually, he seemed a little tired but never said anything quite like that. He was never upset with her. Usually. “We were broken up. She said we were broken up.”

        “She did say you guys were broken up.” Castiel wasn't sure what this was about but Lisa and Dean were broken up for a while.

         “Right, so I can kiss anyone I want.” Dean was referring to those other girls he saw in between. Lisa must have heard about the other girls Dean dated during the time they weren't together. Castiel didn't know why she was so upset about it because it wasn't when they were together but he could understand the idea. No one wanted to see or hear the one they loved being with another even if they weren't with them. Castiel too felt upset but always kept it to himself. Dean looked past Castiel and gestured to Ephraim walking away from them. “Who was that?”

         “Ephraim, I met him today.”Castiel was sure Ephraim was either in their grade or a grade above. He was way too tall to be in ninth grade, and no ninth grader he knew had to shave, but then again, he could have had a growth spurt. Castiel wondered why he hadn't noticed him before; he was a rather good looking student.

         “You making friends without me, Cas?” Dean asked and Castiel would have thought he was joking if he didn't sound so serious about it.

         “I didn't know I had to ask for your permission to socialize.” Rolling his eyes, Castiel turned towards the front door of the school. School was over, they didn't need to hang around the lockers while they talked. Dean followed him and shrugged as if the situation didn't bother him but Castiel had been friends with him for so long, he could tell something was bothering him.

         “Whatever, let's just play some Mortal Kombat 3.”

         “Sounds exciting.” Castiel lacked enthusiasm when he spoke but Dean didn't seem to mind.

         “Oh, believe me.” He grinned large as if all the problems that day just washed away. “It's amazing.”

         As they walked towards the door, Dean noticed Benny and Victor chatting by the gate. The two seemed to be arguing over where to go. Victor was obsessed with a pizza joint down the road but Benny kept complaining that they eat there too much. Castiel felt uncomfortable as he watched them knowing that the two of them didn't appreciate his presence very much anymore.

         “Hey, guys. You going somewhere?” Dean asked and Castiel knew what was going to happen next; he was going to try to invite them to play at his house too. The two must have caught on as well.

           “Yeah, wouldn't want to bother your time with Castiel.” Victor explained declining without even being asked. Castiel looked down ashamed. Of course, he was still mad at him.“Since we'd probably be a bother to him.”

           Victor told Benny they were going to the pizza place and walked ahead of him. Once again, Benny looked like he was at a loss. He looked at Castiel with a sorrowful expression and sighed. Noticing Victor had all but left him, he shook his head.

          “Vick.” Turning around, he waved goodbye to the two. “We'll see you around, Dean.”

          Benny raced down the sidewalk to reach Victor. Castiel could see he was trying to say something to Victor but he was yelled at. They were too far for Castiel to make out what was said but it seemed like they were arguing. Perhaps Benny still didn't want to go to the pizza place. Dean watched them interact with each other as well but instead of looking ashamed like Castiel, he looked worried.

         “What happened, Cas?” He asked turning to look at him. “Neither of them will tell me but whatever it was-”

         “It's my fault.” It was the truth and Castiel wished he could take the things he said back but he couldn't. Dean looked surprised by what he said but it quickly vanished from his face.

        “I don't believe that.” He shook his head and looked away. “It's not possible.”

        “Well, believe.” Castiel was tired of talking about this subject. He knew he was in the wrong; he knew he had hurt them and he knew there was no way he was going to be able to make it up to them. He couldn't even get an apology out. “Let's just go play whatever game you have lined up for us.”

        “Mortal Kombat 3, Cas.” Dean sighed but decided to forget about what was happening. Smiling, he slapped Castiel on the back. “Get with the program.”

        Castiel wished he could just push away the feeling of guilt he had. He wished he could push away all the feelings he had like Dean could but he was weak. He was everything Benny and Victor thought he was. He couldn't handle things on his own; he tried but he ruined everything. He just wanted a peaceful high school experience but it didn't seem like any of that was going to happen. Dean was still dating Lisa and he had alienated Dean's two friends. It seemed like nothing would make any of it better but he knew he had to try.

        First, he was going to have to find a way to apologize to Benny and Victor. It was the only thing he could do. As for Dean and Lisa, there was nothing he could do about that. He just had to remain strong and focus on school. The pain would go away eventually. He hoped.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 90s song recommendation: Stay by Lisa Loeb  
> This was in 1995 and I just like it lol.

       It was a while before Castiel could get one of them alone. Of course, it was Benny. Benny did seemed reluctant to leave every time Victor told him to. Castiel hoped it was because he had some space inside him for forgiveness. He really wanted to apologize for his actions and didn't want to continue this tenseness. He could tell all of this wasn't just affecting him but everyone around him. Even Dean had mentioned feeling uncomfortable when Castiel was in the same room as the other two. He couldn't allow this to go on any further.

        He felt bad that he could only get Benny but Victor wouldn't even get close enough for him to talk to him. The only time he stayed around was when Dean was there and he couldn't have this conversation in front of him. It was already bad enough Dean knew something was wrong. He asked about Victor though. He hoped that maybe Benny could talk him into coming to see him as well but the boy just shook his head.

        “He's a little sore about that talking to you gave us.”

        “I apologize for yelling at you guys.” Castiel had felt awful since the words had left his mouth that day and had longed to apologize. He knew apologizing didn't make everything instantly better but he was very sorry and didn't want them thinking he didn't care about what happened. “I was frustrated.”

         “We don't mean to baby you. It's just-” Benny paused and shook his head. “We're so use to protecting you.”

          “You don't have to.” Castiel told him but this time he didn't yell it or have any form of irritation behind it. This time he was being reasonable and just speaking calmly. “I don't even know why you even started.”

        “Dean never tol-” Benny stopped himself from talking once again. Castiel was beginning to suspect there was something the boy wasn't telling him. “It's not important. We'll, uh, back off on the whole protecting thing. I'll just go.”

        Benny went to leave but Castiel tried his best to step in his way. He couldn't let him leave yet. He had so much more to tell him and he hadn't finished apologizing. He supposed they didn't have much time since he was going to miss lunch if he kept this conversation going for too long but he couldn't just leave it at that.

        “Benny, about me saying we weren't friends.”

        “No, I get it. We're Dean's friends and all.”

        “No, I just-” Castiel could see Benny didn't want to be standing there. He looked awkward and unhappy despite Castiel apologizing. Perhaps, he needed more time. “I'm sorry for saying that.”

        “Yeah.” Benny hurried away as Castiel just stood there feeling unsatisfied. He guessed things couldn't just go back to being normal. As he walked towards the lunch room, he caught sight of a familiar student going through his locker.

        “Ephraim, hi.” He waved briefly and expected a nod or wave back. He didn't expect the boy to stiffen and close his locker quickly.

        “You always remember my name.” Ephraim mentioned as he leaned back against his locker. “Thanks.”

         “It's a nice name.” Castiel commented. Ephraim was an interesting name. It wasn't a name you heard every day just like his. There was no other Castiel in this school and he was sure he wouldn't find another Ephraim.

        “Not as nice as yours, Castiel.” The boy told him looking down at his feet for some reason. Castiel nodded and was about to continue towards the lunch room when the boy began to speak again. “I hope you don't find this weird but I overheard some people talking about you. All good things and I thought, um, maybe I should talk to you.”

         “How is that weird?” People tended to talk about others and it wasn't like Ephraim could close his ears. He didn't know why anyone would talk about a nobody like him but he supposed high school students didn't have many topics to chat about.

          “You're really amazing from what I hear.”

         “Not really.” Amazing? They were saying that he was amazing? Who was saying that and why hadn't Castiel ever heard it before?

       “They said you aced Mrs. Peterson's test, her tests are the worst.”

        Castiel did remember there was a test that his class had where everyone but him failed. He had been doing exceptionally well in his courses, especially since Dean got with Lisa. Studying was a distraction and he needed to be distracted often. So, perhaps he was the only one prepared for the test because of that.

        “I just studied that's all.”

        “I saw you talking to Benny Lafitte earlier.” Ephraim mentioned looking down the hall where the two of them had been standing. “Is he your friend?”

        “Sort of.” Castiel didn't know what they were anymore. He hadn't thought of him as a friend before but perhaps they had been friends. Now, however, they were just people who knew each other. “More like a friend of a friend. I don't usually hang out with him without Dean.”

        “Dean's dating Lisa?”

        “You are correct.” Castiel nodded.

         “So, um.” Ephraim looked very nervous and kept rubbing his knuckles with his other hand's thumb.“I don't want to get you upset with me but-”

        “Why would I be upset with you?” Castiel didn't understand what Ephraim could possibly say to make him upset. He seemed like a really nice guy and didn't seem like the type to insult anyone. From what he had seen, he was rather timid and soft spoken. There couldn't be anything he said that would make him upset with him.

        “Would you like to, I don't know, get cup of tea or coffee at the cafe?” Ephraim started speaking quickly with his voice shaking slightly from his nervousness. “I mean if you don't like tea or coffee we could go to a restaurant but I only have ten bucks so, it can't be expensive and-”

        “Ephraim, slow down.” Castiel told him causing him to become silent quickly.“I love coffee.”

        “Really?” He seemed so surprised that Castiel would agree. It was like he was expecting to be turned down. Castiel wondered if Ephraim ever had been turned down before. He was an attractive boy, any person would be happy to accompany him for some coffee.

        “Really.” Castiel nodded with a small smile. “I won't mind joining you for some.”

        “I'll wait by the entrance way.” Ephraim straightened the things in his hands and began to walk towards the lunch room. He kept looking back at Castiel though rather than looking where he was going. “See you then.” Dean had walked out of the lunch room and headed towards Castiel the moment he saw him. It was a quick moment but Ephraim was only looking at him and Dean was also keeping Castiel in his sights. So, it was no wonder they crashed into each other. Ephraim kept hold of his things this time and merely bounced back. “Oops, sorry.”

        Dean didn't say a word and didn't even acknowledge Ephraim as he left. He didn't even move when Ephraim bumped into him. It wasn't like he didn't realize he had hit someone, Dean had momentarily looked at Ephraim. However, his sole focus was on Castiel and it was making Castiel feel a bit uncomfortable. Why did he feel like he had done something wrong?

        “What are you doing?” Dean asked giving Castiel an incredulous look. “I've been waiting forever for you, Cas.”

        “My apologies.” Castiel didn't see why Dean was bothered that he couldn't make it to lunch on time. He had Lisa with him at the lunch table; wasn't that enough? The two of them would be in their own little bubble anyway. It wasn't like they needed him around. “I just had some things to do.”

        It wasn't until the end of school, that things seemed to change. Dean was probably going to go off with Lisa again which wasn't a problem today. Today, Castiel had an appointment; something that could keep his mind off his silly crush. Perhaps, it was a beginning of something new. When he saw Ephraim waiting by the entrance, he smiled and turned to look at Dean. Today, he would be the one to cancel their plans. Dean probably won't mind seeing that he would love to spend more time with his girlfriend. It was a win for both of them.

        “Sorry, Dean.” Castiel told him as they neared the entrance. “Ephraim and I are going to go for some coffee.”

        “Alright, I'll come with.” Dean started moving towards Ephraim to introduce himself but the boy just looked at him confused.

        “Actually, I don't know if you knew, Castiel, but I was hoping it would be just the two of us?”

        “No, I understood this had romantic inclinations.” Castiel hoped Dean would understand that he couldn't just follow them. He had Lisa to go to and now Castiel was going to try to move on. This was the best for both of them. Dean stopped moving towards the boy and Castiel thought it was done. He moved towards Ephraim but his arm was grabbed roughly.

        “Wait, you can't just go with him.” Dean tried tugging Castiel back to his side. Castiel suddenly felt a wave of anger. What was Dean doing? He had no right to hold him back!

        “Let go, Dean.” Castiel ripped his arm from his grasp and looked at his best friend as if he was crazy. Dean didn't move. He kept his hand held out as Castiel hurried to Ephraim's side.

        “There you are, Dean.” Castiel heard Lisa say but he didn't dare look back. He could still feel where Dean's hand was on his arm. “What's going on?”

        “Cas is going on a date.”

         “That's wonderful.” Lisa had said as she and Dean began to sound further away. “Maybe he'll find the one! I hope he's a sweet person. He deserves a good person don't you think?”

        Lisa was right. Castiel deserved someone too and it was about time he found them. He really liked Ephraim; he was smart, sweet and accommodating. Their conversations were pleasant and they had many things they could talk about. Ephraim enjoyed the classics like he did. He enjoyed reading and looked up to the same people Castiel did. Their conversations were full of smiles. So, when he asked Castiel to see him again, he didn't dare say no.

         The date wasn't very long since Ephraim didn't inform his parents he would be out long. Castiel was a little disappointed they couldn't talk longer but said goodbye happily. Ephraim would turn out to be a very good friend and conversational partner. He knew that he was going into this relationship without a platonic label and should be interested in him in a romantic sense but he wasn't. Castiel didn't feel anything at all powerful for Ephraim like he did with Dean. He just hoped that maybe, with time, those feelings would develop naturally.

         Since he had time after the coffee date, Castiel decided to go visit Dean. He knew he shouldn't since he was trying to move on and because Dean probably wasn't home, but he couldn't help but think of him. He couldn't help but want to see him even after all those wonderful conversations with Ephraim. He felt ashamed but he wanted to see Dean more than ever but when he saw him, it didn't go the way he thought it would.

        “Oh, why aren't you off with your boyfriend?” Dean asked him rather rudely from the living room.

        “Well, at least you know.”

        “Seriously?” He dropped the controller in his hand and stood up. Castiel didn't even know why he scrambled up so quickly. “He's your boyfriend?”

         “Ephraim is nice.” Castiel looked down. Ephraim was nice, smart and wonderful but he didn't feel anything for him. It was hard to look at Dean speaking of being with another, when his heart only wanted him.

        “Shouldn't he like ask me for permission or something?” Dean looked very angry to a point Castiel hadn't really seen on him before. He didn't know why he was getting so angry. This was none of his business. Lisa never asked Castiel to date Dean and why was permission supposed to be asked? Castiel was growing angrier just thinking about it.

        “You don't own me, Dean.”

         “Not like that.” Dean breathed out and seemed to calm down a bit. However, even though he was calmer he still seemed upset. “I don't approve.”

         “Dean.” Castiel didn't understand. Dean was with Lisa. He had Lisa with him at all times not caring if Castiel approved or not. How could he stand there and say something so ridiculous? He didn't once care of his feelings and now he wants him to think of only his? Did he think the world was made purely for him? “He's my boyfriend and I don't need your approval. I thought we could play some games but I can see you aren't in any shape to play a game or two with.”Castiel turned around and grabbed his book bag from the floor. Sam was coming down the stairs as he hurried towards the door.

        “Hello, Cas.” He waved but Castiel didn't even turn to look at him.

         “Sorry, Sam.” He said as he swung the door open. He didn't even bother closing the door behind him. He just hurried out the door. “I'm leaving.”

         “What did you do?” He heard Sam ask rather harshly as he hurried across the porch.

         “What did _I_ do?” Dean yelled trying to act innocent. “Cas got himself a boyfriend.”

        “He did?” Sam's voice was now too low to hear well but suddenly he heard the boy shout as he reached the end of their front yard. “It's not fair!”

         He knew Sam liked him but he never thought of the possibility of it being more than friendship. Sam was much younger than he was and frankly, Castiel had never thought of him as anything more than a brother. He looked back at the open door of their home just long enough to see Sam run up the stairs and hear a door slamming. He didn't know getting a boyfriend would cause so much trouble.

        Everything would be fine the next day. Dean and Sam were both forgiving. Forgiving? He didn't do anything wrong. Dean had a girlfriend and had no right to tell him who he could or could not date. Sam, as much as he was a sweet boy, was four years his junior and probably didn't really know what love was. He would get over it once he found someone new.

         Ephraim was enough to keep his mind off of the complications yesterday. Benny and Victor even waved at him that morning, so things were going great. He hadn't seen Dean yet since he didn't walk him to school, nor talk to him in the hallway. He was probably busy with Lisa and why should it matter? He was here with his boyfriend and shouldn't have to think of his best friend at these moments. He should just be happy with Ephraim.

        It was at lunch time that Dean's ridiculousness came back. Castiel and Ephraim decided to eat lunch together. Benny and Victor actually decided to sit nearby and Castiel finally got to speak to Victor. He was still a little standoffish but he was coming around. Things were going great, until Dean wedged himself between him and his new boyfriend.

        “What are you doing?” Castiel asked shocked by his friend's behavior. Lisa sat in front of him looking rather tense but said nothing.

        “What? I can't sit by my best friend?” Dean looked at everyone as if they were the ones being ridiculous and not him. Castiel couldn't help but feel angry. He had to watch Lisa and Dean feed each other and sit close to each other every lunch. The moment he has someone to share those experiences with, Dean has to sit between them? Who did he think he was?

        “Ephraim, let's sit somewhere else.” Castiel grabbed his lunch and stood up. Hesitantly, his boyfriend followed. Dean would have too if not for Benny grabbing his arm and pulling him back down to sit.

        “Hey, wait.” Dean called out but Castiel ignored him. “Cas!”

        Castiel was sick of the way Dean was acting. Why couldn't he just leave him be? Hadn't he done enough? Castiel wasn't going to waste his youth pinning over his best friend. He was going to move on and find someone else to love. He just wished his heart didn't get hope every time Dean intervened. He needed this to end. So, when Dean showed up next to his locker declaring that he didn't like him dating Ephraim, he wasn't going to avoid it. He was going to tell Dean to back off.

        “We've been over this before.” Castiel slammed his locker closed and looked at Dean with a tired expression. This was getting to be a problem and Castiel felt drained from all the antics Dean was pulling. “Ephraim is my boyfriend and you will leave him alone.”

         “He hasn't once tried to talk to me.” Dean told him folding his arms over his chest childishly. “He should try at least to get my approval.”

         “We don't need your approval and all you do is try to scare him.” Castiel was no fool. He saw the way Dean glared at his boyfriend when they were talking in the hall. Ephraim got so pale and almost ran away. It was hard to keep him there with Dean looking at him like that. Castiel had had enough of the butting in, glares and overall stupidity that Dean had shown that day. “Leave us alone.”

        “Look, Cas. You and I are a pair.” Dean said it with so much conviction. He said it as if he truly felt in his heart that they were something. Castiel didn't know whether to laugh out loud or scream at him. A pair? What kind of pair were they? “We've always been a pair. We can't just let someone get in between that-”

         It seemed there was a God and he had impeccable timing. Castiel's beeper went off with the numbers 7154. A pair? They haven't been a pair since the owner of these numbers has been in the picture. With a short, humorless chuckle, Castiel looked up from his beeper.

        “Lisa wants you to call her.”

        He didn't say anything else as Dean's expression changed. He forced a smile and turned away. A pair? No, they weren't anything like that anymore.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song suggestion: The Boy is Mine by Brandy and Monica  
> (Released in 1998)

        There weren't many things Dean was sure about but he was sure about one thing: He absolutely hated Castiel's boyfriend. He thought Ephraim was sweet at times but he was sure he was only dating Castiel because he was rich. Castiel was a nerdy looking guy and just so overly trusting, it had to be that. Dean didn't want to believe for one second that Ephraim was being genuine. If he was so genuine, how come he never wanted to talk to him?

        But there was nothing he could do. Castiel already got upset when he tried to voice his opinion and no matter what he said, Ephraim was still his boyfriend. Dean didn't even know why it bothered him so much but decided something had to be wrong. He wouldn't be so worked up if Ephraim was a really nice guy; something had to be wrong. Lisa told him to let it go and he tried; he really did but every time he saw them laughing together or just being near each other, he was filled with so much anger. He just couldn't say anything because he knew it would make his friend upset. Castiel already ignored him for one weekend; he didn't want to get ignored again. Besides, he and Castiel still were friends and they would hang out soon since Ephraim was already working so, he'd be too busy tomorrow, or so he had heard. Ephraim wanted to get the day off but so far hadn't been able to. His loss was Dean's gain. Then again, if he got off early, he could just drive to pick up Castiel where ever he was.

        Dean hated how Castiel loved to talk about his “mature” boyfriend. Castiel was amazed at how Ephraim, being a year older, could already drive and had a job; he wouldn't shut up about it at lunch the other day. Dean could drive too, he just didn't have a car or a license. But when he gets to 11th grade and takes the drivers ed course, he was going to inherit the Impala and that was a thousand times better than the dorky car Ephraim drove. He could get a job too and be all “mature” like Ephraim. There was really nothing Ephraim could do that he couldn't; he wasn't that great.

        “Ephraim, that's wonderful!” Castiel practically sang into his cellphone while he leaned against the lockers. Dean couldn't help but roll his eyes. “I can't wait! I love you too.”

         The last words Castiel spoke seemed to hit him hard. How could he love the guy? They had only been dating for a few weeks. Isn't he taking this too fast? Dean wanted to say something but he knew he shouldn't. Castiel already was mad at him once and he couldn't have a repeat of last week. It was getting harder to match their schedules as it was. So, he held in his anger, his unhappiness and his hurt.

        “You done?” He asked trying to look nonchalant about the whole affair. Castiel sighed heavily like he was tired.

        “Yes, Dean.” He gave Dean a strange look and put his phone in his pocket. “I'm done.”

        “Good because my house tomorrow.” Dean was really excited to hang out with Castiel for the first time in a long time. Their schedules never matched up anymore but Castiel had told him he was free tomorrow. So, of course, Dean made sure to get all the snacks his friend loved and clean up his room for the occasion. “I got this new game, Resident Evil. You gotta watch me play it. The graphics are amazing and they call it a survival horror. It's going to be awesome.”

        “I can't.” Castiel seemed to almost groan and Dean felt more than disappointed. He said he was free, why the change of plans? “Tomorrow, Ephraim's taking me out to the new Italian restaurant they built. You know down the street from my brother's shop?”

        So, Ephraim was able to ask for the day off. Dean couldn't believe it. They had planned for this day and he already got everything ready. Was that what they were talking about over the phone? Did Castiel even remember they were going to hang out tomorrow?

       “You paying or is he paying?” He couldn't say anything about how he felt. He couldn't ask why Castiel didn't remember they were planning to hang out tomorrow. Dean used all the money he had saved up to buy that game just to play it with Castiel.

       “Ephraim always pays when he invites.” Castiel smiled as he mentioned it making Dean just feel worse. He would never pay if he ever took Castiel somewhere because he had no real job or allowance to be able to pay. Just another thing Ephraim was so much better at. “Just because my parents are rich doesn't mean he makes me pay. He's a gentleman.”

       “Yeah, that's wonderful.” Dean hated how Ephraim sounded so perfect. He hated how he was everything he wasn't and how Castiel loved him so much. He didn't even know why he hated it. He just knew he did. “I guess I'll play some other time.”

       “Or you can play without me.” What Castiel suggested was out of the question. Dean got the game specifically to play in his presence. “It doesn't need two players does it?”

       “No.” Resident Evil was a one person game but that didn't mean Dean wanted to play it alone. Games were much more fun with Castiel there over analyzing them. Their conversations during the games were just better than sitting in silence. “It's just not the same.”

       “Lisa could watch it.” Asking Lisa was out of the question since he already told her he was going to be too busy that day. He had to tell her he had something very important to do that day just to get her off his back. If he asked her to come hang out with him, won't she wonder what happened to that important thing he had? Also, she hated horror films; she would never subject herself to watching a horror game.

       “Sure.” He said despite everything. He couldn't argue, it would only make things worse. Those two days of not hearing from his best friend were torture. He had to keep his feelings inside.

       Apparently, Sam was right about holding in your emotions; they do make you feel sick. The very next day, through the whole school day, Dean felt awful. He had that feeling that there was a faint agitation in his stomach and a pressure in his chest. He could go to the nurse but he was sure it had nothing to do with an actual illness.

        When school ended that day, he knew where Castiel was heading. He didn't even make an effort to follow him or anything. He just let him go. What was he doing anyway? Why was he upset that Castiel found someone? He should be happy for him but he couldn't shake off that feeling; he couldn't stop himself from thinking Ephraim was up to something. He didn't trust the guy one bit no matter how perfect he sounded. There was such a thing of something sounding too good to be true.

       “Hey. Where's Cas going?” Victor asked as he and Benny walked over to Dean. The two had solved their difference with Castiel a while ago. Dean was grateful because he was unsure what he would do if the awkwardness remained. He didn't want to choose between his two best friends and Castiel. Castiel was his best friend too but it was different. Castiel was family. He couldn't choose between friends and family.

       “He has a date.” Dean couldn't stop himself from sounding bitter. He hated Ephraim and his fake perfection. There was just something wrong with the man. He could just feel it.

       “It was only a matter of time.” Benny chuckled. “He is so darn adorable.”

       “Benny, do you?” That feeling was back. The awful feeling that made him think Ephraim was up to no good was back but it was directed towards Benny. Benny? Benny wasn't a bad guy. Sure, he may not be the best student in the world but neither was he. They both got along famously. So, why was he getting that awful feeling?

       “Nah, brother.” Benny shook his head and at that moment the feeling was gone. It was replaced by something equally confusing; relief. “I'm straight but even I can see he's attractive. So, you know it was just a matter of time.”

        “He looks dorky though.” Victor commented with a shrug.

       “That's probably the appeal though.” Benny smiled as if none of this was bothering Dean. Some rational part of his kept telling him that there was no way Benny would have known. It wasn't like Dean had a sign over his head that said 'Please, don't talk about Castiel dating. I hate it.' So, instead of telling them what he felt, he decided to dismiss the conversation altogether.

       “Whatever. I'm going home.” Dean couldn't tell them anything even if he wanted to. He didn't even understand his own feelings. He thought he was feeling awful because Ephraim was a bad person. He thought he was just trying to protect his friend but he was wrong. If that was the case, why did he get that same feeling when Benny called Castiel adorable?

        “Want us to come with?”

        “Nah.” Dean kicked the ground a bit and shook his head. “I'm just going to play a game. It's only one player though.”

       “Well, if that's what you want.” Benny was always so reasonable. There was no way he'd be up to something if he dated someone. He would put his whole heart into it. So, why did he get that feeling? “Vick, want to get some pizza?”

       “When would I not?” Victor laughed. “Want to invite Andrea?”

       “Uh, sure.” Benny looked down shyly. Dean knew he had a thing for that girl. They were in the same English class and Benny couldn't take his eyes off her. “Maybe she'll bring some friends. You sure you don't want to come with us?”

      “No, I'm fine.” Dean wanted to be alone a bit and figure out why he felt that feeling around Benny of all people.

       “Alright.” The two walked off leaving Dean walking home alone with his thoughts.

       Maybe it was because he didn't think Benny could make Castiel happy that he went into protective mode. Benny was a nice guy but he didn't really know what he would do outside of school, just like Dean. People like them didn't deserve someone as high up as Castiel. The boy had been born into money and would expect a certain life style. Boys like them could never provide it. Ephraim might because he was so perfect but Dean still didn't like that guy either. Maybe this was the feeling a father had when giving away his daughter; no one was good enough for them.

       It didn't stop the awful feeling at all, though. Even though he thought he had figured it out, it still didn't settle his heart. He didn't even know what to do when he got home. He thought about playing his game, it would probably get his mind off things, but when he started it up, he could only stare at the start screen. It wasn't the same playing alone and he didn't feel like pushing start without Castiel.

      “Where's Cas?” Sam asked when he noticed his brother alone in the living room.

       “With his boyfriend.” Dean grumbled as he continued to stare at the start screen.

       “You starting that game?”

       “No.” Dean lifted himself off the couch and turned off his PlayStation. There was no reason to play the game without Castiel. Was this how all his afternoons were going to be spent now? Was he never going to have time to be with his best friend? They had always been together since Kindergarten. They couldn't just stop being friends; could they?

      “I don't like Cas having a boyfriend.” Sam pouted looking down. Dean knew Sam had a crush on Castiel. He had one for years but never told anyone. He didn't need to since he was so obvious about it. Castiel was oblivious, of course, but Sam kept trying to get closer to him. Dean never really cared about it though; Sam never gave him an awful feeling. Probably because he knew Sam wasn't a real threat. Threat? Why did he think it like that?

      “You know, Sammy. We agree on something.” Dean told his brother with a nod. Sam was his little brother, of course he wouldn't think he was bad for Castiel that was why he didn't get that feeling. It had nothing to do with threats that was just a silly thought. It wasn't the problem anyway. The problem was Castiel and Ephraim going on that fancy date. This was the first date Ephraim actually went all out for; he probably wanted something in return. Dean didn't want to even think about it; it just made him more angry. Then he suddenly had an idea. Smiling at Sam, he asked “Hey, you up for some Italian?”

      After informing their mother, they headed out on foot towards Gabriel's candy shop. Dean remembered Castiel mentioning the restaurant was located just across from it. They spotted Gabriel as he was hanging out outside his store eating his own merchandise. Gabriel had a soft spot for Sam and would always offer free candy. Sam always told him he was on to him and didn't take candy from strangers. Dean always found the interaction hilarious and Gabriel always made him laugh. He liked the guy's style.

       So, it was no surprise that Dean invited him to come with them. Sam grumbled about it a bit but Gabriel was ecstatic to do something other than work. He quickly closed his shop and headed with them declaring he would pay for Sam. This only made his little brother blush out of anger or embarrassment, Dean wasn't sure. All he knew was he wasn't happy about it.

       Sam was the first to spot Castiel on his date. He brightened immediately when he saw the teen ignoring the other with him. Dean knew Sam wanted to get away from Gabriel as soon as possible and saw no problem with Sam saying hello to Castiel. He was sure Sam wouldn't do anything to ruin their date and really, who would get mad at Sam?

       “Hey, Cas.” Sam waved a little as he approached the table. Both boys looked up at him curiously.

      “Sam, why are you here?” Castiel looked very confused but didn't seem upset.

       “Dean's taking me out to eat.” Sam explained happily moving closer to Castiel. Dean couldn't see Ephraim's face well from where he was standing but he guessed he wasn't doing anything. Otherwise, Sam would have not been smiling so much. “We met Gabriel on the way and he's coming too.”

       “Oh, but I-”

       “Right here sirs.” The hostess spoke as she grabbed their menus. Dean didn't even get to hear what Castiel was trying to say as he was led to the table directly next to theirs. He could see Castiel's eyes widening in horror. Horror? Why did he look so afraid? Dean wasn't going to do anything to ruin his date. He was just going to make sure Ephraim was a nice guy. He wasn't going to try and talk to him or anything.

      “Crazy isn't, Cas?” Dean joked nervously. He didn't think they would be seated so close. “We got the table right next to you.” The hostess looked confused and turned to Gabriel, who had been smiling a little too much.

       “But sir you re-”

       “Just our luck, huh?” Gabriel interrupted with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Dean took everything about liking his style back. This man was the devil. He didn't need Castiel getting angry with him again and ignoring him all over again. Didn't Gabriel have any pity for him? Couldn't he see he was only going to make things worse?

       “Why are you doing this?”Castiel sounded more than just a little upset. His voice sounded like it was between pleading and breaking down; he sounded so hurt.

       “It's alright, Castiel.” Ephraim comforted him with a smile and though Dean was glad someone was comforting his friend, he hated that it was him. The older boy turned that smile towards him and nodded. “Hello, Dean.”

        It wasn't that Dean was trying to be mean to the guy; he just hated everything about him but he wasn't going to show that in front of Castiel. He knew it would be hard to but he was going to do his best to keep it hidden. So, he wasn't trying to be mean when he honestly forgot the man's name. He couldn't recall what the whole thing was. He just knew it started with an F sound.

       “Yo, Effie.”

        “It's Ephraim.” Castiel glared up angrily at Dean and he knew he had to back off. He thought he was doing pretty well behavior wise but apparently he was still messing up. It wasn't his fault though. He honestly didn't remember his name but then again, he probably wasn't going to make the effort to; he couldn't even think of the other boy without being filled with anger.

       “I don't mind, Castiel.” Ephraim told him in a calm and polite manner. Of course, he was so perfect.

       “Hey there, Affirm.” Gabriel greeted knowing full well what the boy's name was. After all, his brother had just said it.

       “Ephraim, brother.” Castiel corrected with a tired look.

       “Yeah, that's a weird name.” Gabriel chuckled not even trying to disguise his teasing. Castiel looked beyond angry and Dean had seen that look before. That was the look he got when he sat between them at lunch before Castiel started getting irritated every time he saw him. What he did back then, he owned up to. He just hated seeing them so close and acted on impulse. Maybe he acted on impulse being here too but he couldn't not come. It was eating him up inside.

        “Hey, don't worry.” He heard Ephraim say as he sat down to eat. He didn't even have much of an appetite anymore. Then again, he didn't really come here to eat. “As long as you are here, who cares what they call me?”

       Dean felt another wave of anger. That romantic bullshit Ephraim was spewing was making Castiel smile softly at him. It was a special smile that Dean thought Castiel had reserved for his best friend. Obviously, he was wrong. For some reason, it bothered him and though his logical side was telling him to calm down, he couldn't. He just wanted to go over there and snatch Castiel back but he knew it would cause more trouble than good.

       “Hey, maybe we should connect our tables, Cassie.” Gabriel joked looking over at the two. “What do you think?”

       “I think I am in the middle of a date.” Castiel didn't seem to find any humor in what his brother was saying.

       “Oh, well, don't mind us.” Gabriel shrugged and reached into his back pocket for his wallet. “I have some condoms if you need them.”

       Condoms? Dean looked at Gabriel in horror. Why on Earth would he bring that up? They had only been dating for a couple of weeks they shouldn't- Well, Castiel was a man but- No, Dean didn't want to even think about it. It was causing him to feel sick and there was a pain in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't make out. He just wanted it to stop.

       “What are you doing?” He growled at Gabriel unsure where to throw these emotions.

       “What I normally do, Dean-o.”

       “Well, stop, alright?”

      “Interesting.” The look Gabriel gave him was much more mature than any of the usual playful looks. Instead of smiling or looking like he was about to do something evil, Gabriel just stared at Dean as if studying him. “Wasn't it your idea to come here in the first place? If not to ruin Cassie's date, why are you here?”

        Why was he here? Dean had thought it was a good idea at the time. He thought he would make sure Castiel was safe and Ephraim wasn't trying to take advantage of him but really that wasn't the reason why he was there. He just felt so awful and going here made that feeling lessen. Seeing Castiel made him feel better and Ephraim getting embarrassed by Gabriel actually made him feel better as well. He hated Ephraim, that was for sure, but did he really come to ruin Castiel's date? He just wanted this feeling to go away, that's all.

        “Good, our food is here.” Castiel smiled up at their waitress as she brought them their food. He seemed very eager to start eating which was a little out of character for him. Usually, Castiel was the one you had to remind to start eating.

        “Are you alright?” Ephraim asked as Castiel hurried to grab his silverware.

       “I'm fine.” He hastily began twirling spaghetti with his fork. It was nice they had their meal; Sam, Gabriel and Dean had to make due with the rock hard bread the hostess left them. “Just fine. Maybe we should skip dessert and just get out of here once we are done.”

       “You don't like our company.” Ephraim smiled playfully.

       “Do you?”

       “I think your friend doesn't like me.” He was right about that. Dean really didn't like him and he wasn't ashamed of that fact. At least, Ephraim could take a hint. Dean tried cutting open his bread delicately. It had a hard crust but apparently liked throwing out crumbs. He wondered if he should even eat it but he didn't want to seem like he was listening in on their conversation. He had to look busy.

       “That's his problem because I like you very much.” Castiel reached over and placed his hand on top of Ephraim's. When Dean saw the gesture, he had no idea what came over him. All he could see was their hands touching and he was just filled with a wave of different emotions. He couldn't even describe what he was feeling because it felt so foreign to him. He slammed his knife into the bread so hard it shook the table and made Gabriel and Sam jump a bit in fright. As he slammed his knife down, a piece of his bread snapped off into the air and, to Dean's horror, hit Ephraim square in the eye. Castiel's soft smile instantly turned into a tight frown. “What the hell, Dean?”

        “Oops.” Dean spoke nervously. How was he supposed to know the bread would do that? Edible bread didn't do that nonsense! It was just his luck it hit Ephraim too. Was this some divine joke? “Hand slipped.”

        “It's alright, Castiel.” Ephraim tried to calm Castiel down but the boy was already standing up from his seat. “I'm not hurt.”

        “Let's just go.” He pushed passed the waitress coming towards them and headed to the hostess wallet already ready to pay. Ephraim looked like he was at a loss but gathered his things and followed his boyfriend.

        “I said it is fine, Castiel.” His boyfriend refused to listen as he paid for the meal they did not get to enjoy and took his receipt and change from the hostess. “His hand probably did slip.”

       “No, it's not alright.” Castiel told him angrily. “He's trying to ruin my date! I'm not just going to stand there and let him.”

        Dean sunk in his chair. That wasn't what he was trying to do at all. He guessed after how he acted before, Castiel probably didn't think he was capable of learning his lesson. He had to make this right but what if it made things worse? Gabriel was staring at him hard this time. It was like he was trying to figure out what he was going to do next. Dean sighed heavily and lifted himself from the chair. He had to explain himself.

        “It's alright.” Ephraim said as the two were exiting the restaurant. They were moving so fast, Dean had a hard time keeping up.

        “It's not alright.” Castiel said in a raised voice. “He's selfish and rude and-”

       “Your friend.”

       “Let's go somewhere nice, Ephraim.” Castiel sighed and looked down defeated. “Somewhere he can't find us.”

        Dean stopped moving towards them when he heard what he said. He didn't want to be found by him. He probably didn't want him around anymore. He deserved it. He did ruin his date and all. Dean figured he hadn't been very rational with the whole situation but he was only sixteen. He didn't know the answers to everything and he was going to make stupid mistakes. This was a very stupid mistake. He should have never come to the restaurant. He had to fix this.

       “If you wish.” Ephraim sounded as defeated as Castiel. “I'll get the car.”

        Dean watched as Ephraim jogged off to get the car as Castiel stayed behind. His friend sighed heavily and wrapped his arms around himself. He looked so hurt like that. Dean had to say something. He had to tell him that he was sorry and he hadn't meant for all that to happen. Maybe if he left, Castiel would be happier but he wasn't good with all that. He didn't know how to talk about how he felt or how anyone felt. He just wanted to say something.

        “Cas, you can't just leave like that.” He found himself saying as he walked up to his friend. “You didn't finish your food and-”

       “Shut up, Dean. Just shut up!” Castiel turned to him and pushed him away. Dean's back hit the glass door behind him lightly. He had never seen Castiel so angry before. There were even tears in his eyes. Dean didn't know what to say. He hadn't meant for this to happen. There was the familiar sound of Ephraim's Volkswagen in the distance. “That's Ephraim.”

       “See ya, Cas.” Dean was able to utter as Castiel began to hastily walk away from him. “I'll see you tomorrow?”

       He never got an answer but he knew what it was most likely going to be. He had messed up big time and he didn't know how he was going to fix it.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Back For Good by Take That (1995)

        Dean knew things wouldn't just immediately go back to the way they were. That's why he was standing in front of Castiel's house that morning; to apologize. All he had to do was explain himself and maybe they can go back to the way they were. Well, they wouldn't go back to how they were before Ephraim but it was better than going to bed without a word from his best friend. Lisa and Sam waited on the sidewalk as he stepped up the stairs to Castiel's porch and rung the doorbell. The door swung open and Becky's bright smile became a confused pout.

       “I'm sorry.” She told Dean with a shake of her head. “Castiel's boyfriend already picked him up for school. He's such a sweet boy and they just look so darn cute together.”

        “Thanks, Becky.” Dean didn't want to hear her rant about how amazing the two were. Becky was one of those mothers that wanted to be considered cool. She didn't want to be called mom or mam. She was just Becky and she was a huge geek. Becky loved different shows and movies that Castiel didn't really talk about because those were his mother's obsessions not his. It was strange how a total geek could have a child that knew nothing about things like that and she did like a lot of things like fantasy books and science fiction (Castiel didn't even know what Star Wars was before Dean educated him). Becky even wrote some interesting fan fictions of those things which was apparently how she met Castiel's father. She was one of the few fans of his original works and sent her rather interesting fan fiction his way. Why he fell in love with her, Dean didn't know. Dean had happened upon a Spock/Kirk fan fiction that he had almost wished he hadn't found and knew whatever fan fiction she wrote for Chuck couldn't have been any different. So, naturally, her odd obsession of these things made her very excited Castiel was batting for the home team.

        Dean kicked the porch beneath him before hopping down and joining the other two. Lisa and Sam hadn't talked to each other the entire time they were left alone. Sam was too shy to talk to Lisa or just found no interest and Lisa was waiting for Sam to begin talking to her. She was under the impression that Dean's brother didn't like her and that wasn't true at all. Sam just felt awkward being around the two of them for some reason. Dean knew his brother didn't not like Lisa, he was just a little shy around girls.

        “Oh, Castiel's not home?” Lisa started speaking immediately when he got there. Dean supposed suffering that silence with his brother had made her want to say something even if the answer was obvious.

        “His boyfriend took him to school.” Dean probably said it a little more bitter than he had hoped and Lisa picked up on his tone right away.

        “You got to let him grow up, Dean.” She sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes. “He's not going to be joined to your hip forever.” Dean knew he wasn't going to be there forever. Well, he knew but he didn't. He thought he and Castiel would be close even after high school. He didn't think he would lose him so soon. No, he wasn't gone. He could fix this. Sighing again, Lisa wrapped her arms around his shoulders and continued speaking. “Besides there are more important things to worry about like your girlfriend. I've been feeling neglected ever since Castiel got a boyfriend and that's not how it's supposed to be.”

       “I'm just worried that's all.” He was more than worried. He was frightened that he had ruined everything. Castiel couldn't ignore him forever, could he?

       “Can you worry a little less?” Lisa told him with a pout. “Castiel's a big boy and he doesn't need you to hold his hand everywhere he goes. I mean, I've been feeling like I'm the third wheel whenever he's around. _I'm_ your girlfriend not him.”

      “Yeah, I guess you're right.” It didn't stop Dean from worrying but he wasn't going to argue with his girlfriend. Whenever they argued, Lisa would bring up all the arguments before. It got to a point that the littlest problems would swell into bigger problems. Dean didn't want her to leave him over something like this. He smiled at her, pretended everything was alright, swung an arm around her shoulder and brought her closer to his front. “Come here.”

       “I hope Cas breaks up with his boyfriend soon.” Sam spoke up as they began walking from Castiel's home. Lisa gasped in shock.

       “How could you say that, Sammy?”

       “It's Sam.” Dean saw his little brother glare at his girlfriend unamused. Perhaps there was some truth in Lisa's fears after all.

       “Because the little brat has the hots for him.” Dean chuckled hoping to distract Lisa from his brother's rudeness.

      “Do not!” Sam's cheeks flushed a bright red and it only made Dean to become more amused.

       “Then why are you blushing?” He teased. Lisa giggled a bit but smacked Dean's shoulder and told him not to tease his brother. The issue about Castiel was all forgotten by the other two but Dean didn't stop thinking about it. He couldn't help but think Castiel was not only avoiding him but that this was going to be worse than before. He just wished he knew a way to bring Castiel back to how they were before.

     He found Castiel at his locker getting his materials for his first class ready. Dean smiled and tried to walk up to him like nothing was bothering him. He didn't want to appear too guilty. He slowed down a bit. He also didn't want to seem too confident. He had to find a way to apologize and cockily running up to him probably wasn't a good idea.

      “Hey, Cas. There you are.” Dean leaned against the lockers like he always did when he spoke to his friend. Castiel didn't even look at him and kept silently gathering his things. “How long are you going to stay mad at me.”

       “Forever.” Castiel slammed his locker shut and began walking down the hall. Dean shook his head and hurried to follow him. This seemed like it was definitely going to be harder to get him to talk to him than last time.

       “Forever's a long time.” He told him as soon as he caught up with him. “You can't be mad at me for that long. I'm too cute.”

       “You are aesthetically pleasing but that does not get you off the hook.” Castiel never looked at him the whole time they had been talking. Instead, he just hurried to his classroom door.

       “So, you know I'm sexy.”

      “Go away. I have class.” Castiel opened the door to his class room and hurried in.

      “Come on, Cas.” Dean pleaded as Castiel shut the door in his face. “Don't be mad.”

       Lunch was agonizing eating alone. Sure, he had Lisa, Benny and Victor with him but it just wasn't the same. It hurt even more when he saw Castiel chatting happily on the other side of the cafeteria with Ephraim. He wished he could go over there and talk to him but Castiel might accuse him of ruining his lunch with his boyfriend. He couldn't risk him getting angrier with him, so he ate his food silently occasionally stealing glances in his direction.

        His friends knew something was wrong but they didn't say a word. When Lisa seemed like she was going to bother Dean for not paying attention to her story about what had happened in class, Benny got her attention and began asking questions about it. Victor watched Dean stare at Castiel sadly and wondered if he knew how good of friends they were or that Benny just saved his relationship.

        Dean wasn't noticing anything all day except that Castiel was doing a very good job ignoring him. No matter what he did, he couldn't get Castiel to talk to him. When they were in the same class, Castiel switched seats with another student. He always chose a girl to switch with because he knew they wanted to sit next to Dean Winchester. Dean was left sitting next to a girl doing obvious attempts to get him to notice her. Of course, it didn't work. There was only one person he noticed that day and he was busy ignoring him. He didn't even get to approach him after school because the moment Castiel saw him, he turned from him.

       “I'm waiting for Ephraim.” He told him immediately probably hoping it would deter Dean somehow. Dean was at a loss of what to say but refused to go. He had to fix this. “Leave me alone.”

        “You know if I was Sam I could just give you a puppy dog stare and you'll just do whatever I say.”

       “I doubt he is that powerful.” Still he wasn't looking at him. Dean hated talking to his back but that was all he had now.

      “It works on everyone.” Dean weakly chuckled but he wasn't feeling as confident as his words may seem. He just didn't know what to say or how to say anything that would make it better. “You're not immune. It's worked on you before.”

       “It isn't of import since you are clearly not Sam.” With that, Castiel walked away from him and towards Ephraim's Volkswagen that had drove up to the front of the building. Dean sighed defeated.

       “Wow, Dean.” He heard Victor's voice behind him. “Smooth.”

       “Shut up, Vick.” Dean growled. He didn't need his teasing right now. He needed help with getting Castiel back and if they weren't going to give him any ideas, they could just stay quiet.

      “Cas seems real pissed at ya.” Benny pointed out the obvious. Dean sighed and shook his head.

        “He can't stay mad forever.”

        He could stay mad forever. Weeks past without a single call from Castiel. Dean had been so worried about getting Castiel to like him again, he even forgot about Valentines day. Lisa was really angry he had done nothing for her but all Dean could think about was how Castiel was spending that day. They broke up, again and Dean found himself spending his afternoons alone at home. He didn't have the heart to flirt with any of the girls at school and he still hadn't played Resident Evil.

       March came along and Lisa mistook his misery as missing her and asked him to come back. Perhaps some of it was missing her but Dean knew he hadn't been thinking of their break up. It was a completely different break up he was thinking of. This couldn't be happening. Every time, he tried to get close to Castiel, the boy would hurry away. It was getting exhausting chasing him but he didn't want to spend spring break alone at home. So, on the last week of March, he tried again.

       “Let's go home together.” He pleaded. “Come on, Cas.”

       “Lisa's waiting for you.” Castiel sighed sadly. Dean would like to think it was sadly but it was probably truly tired. He was tired of him and Dean couldn't blame him. “Besides Ephraim's taking me home.”

       Dean wanted to say more to Castiel. He wanted to explain everything that had happened that time and try to get his friend to forgive him but when he went to speak, the words just wouldn't come out. He had to say something; anything to get Castiel to see he didn't mean for what happened. Before he could attempt to say anything, however, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

       “Brother, your girlfriend wants you.” Benny informed him hesitantly.“She's kinda upset.”

       “When is she not?” Dean didn't want to get into another argument right now. He had already gotten his best friend angry at him and he wasn't willing to face someone else that was angry. Didn't she see he was busy? Why was she angry anyway? Seemed like Lisa got angrier faster these days. She used to be so chill but now she was worried he would be unfaithful or something. She was, also, upset they weren't spending every moment with each other. Dean hadn't cheated on her and he wasn't planning on doing any of that. Why couldn't she give him some space. He wanted to tell Benny that she should wait a moment but Castiel left quickly without a word. Didn't Lisa see he was trying to salvage his friendship here?

      She was angry about the general things. She was mad he hadn't paid attention to her lately and that he wasn't like how he use to be. There was once a time that Dean and Lisa would talk for hours but now she could barely get him to say a few words to her. Dean told her he wasn't in the mood to talk about it and once again, they broke up. It was just more to add to his foul mood.

       When he arrived home, he slammed the door shut angrily. He just wanted to be alone but when he looked towards the living room, he saw his father. John never came home early unless something was wrong. In fact, Dean tried to listen a bit to see if he could hear his mother in the kitchen but there was nothing but silence. Where was she? Usually, she was the one to greet him.

       His father gestured to the couch with a very serious expression. Dean didn't need this now. Whatever he wanted to talk to him about could wait for a day when everything wasn't going wrong. But Dean couldn't just walk away from his father. No one just walked away from John Winchester. He had a presence that even made adult men call him sir. So, obediently, Dean sat down on the couch and awaited whatever talking he was about to receive.

       “Your mother told me there is some trouble in paradise.” How did his mother know about his problems with Lisa. He never fought with her near the house and perhaps, he had seemed a bit down lately but it was mainly because of Castiel.

        “There's no trouble really.” Dean lied. He couldn't tell his father they had broken up yet again. He didn't need that whole women are like cars and need to be handled with care and attention speech. It was so cringe worthy. “Lisa is just-”

       “Not Lisa.” If not Lisa than who. Dean didn't recall telling his parents about any other girl in his life. “Cas.”

       This was about his friend? Why did his dad make it sound like it was some sort of relationship problem. He could just hear Castiel's voice in the back of his head reminding him that friendships are relationships as well just platonic but he ignored it. Why was his father so invested in his life anyway? What happened between him and Castiel was his business.

        Was his mother in on this too? Did the two of them spend time chatting about his issues and deciding John would be the one to talk to him? Great. Now everyone knew about his problems. Why couldn't they just mind their own business. He seriously didn't need to be told he messed up with Castiel and needed to apologize; he knew that already.

       “Dean, can I ask you a question?” His father gave him that concerned look that just made him roll his eyes and sit back against the couch defiantly.

        “You just did.”

       “Are you seriously going to play that game with me?” John's face was stone serious and Dean found himself straightening up immediately.

       “No, sir.” He didn't need to be grounded for a month again. “That was a bad idea.”

      “Do you love Lisa?”

       “What kind of question is that?” Dean didn't understand. He was asking about Castiel earlier and now he was asking if he loved his girlfriend? Well, ex girlfriend. What did she have to do with Castiel? They had absolutely nothing to do with each other and he did care about Lisa. Dean felt a little insulted that his father would even ask.

       “Just think about it.” His dad just nodded as if he had did everything he had to do and lifted himself off the couch. Dean didn't understand what kind of point his father was trying to make. He wasn't even sure his father even knew. “Your mother wanted me to talk to you about this but I think you'll take it better if I let you figure it all out on your own. I don't need another earful.”

       Dean suddenly felt a wave of guilt. It wasn't long ago that Dean had done the dumbest thing ever and his father, being a dad for once, saved him. Of course, he lashed out and said a lot of hurtful things that surprisingly his dad took pretty well. Well, if you count looking stern with some hurt behind his eyes as taking something well. His mother tried explaining that Dean was just emotional at his age but Dean knew he wasn't that out of control. At that time, he was merely a freshman but he could control himself if he wanted and he should have never snuck into a senior party. He was glad Castiel's brother, Gabriel, who still had friends in the senior class at the time, never snitched on him to his little brother.

       “Dad, about that.” It had been a year since that day but he could tell his dad didn't forget about it. Perhaps, he just had the gift of ruining every relationship he ever had, even family ones.

       “I get it.” Dean's dad put his hands up in defeat and didn't allow his son to say anything further. “Just think about what I said.”

       As Dean contemplated the strangeness of his father words, Castiel laid on his bed in agony. He had worked so hard to ignore Dean but he kept finding it was harder than he imagined. Dean just had this way of making his presence known without even saying a word. Castiel caught himself more often than not staring at his old friend. Thankfully, he turned his head before Dean could even notice. He had hoped that Ephraim would help make these feelings go away but as he continued to ignore his best friend, he felt these feelings had only grown. The whole thing was tearing him apart. He knew he had to stay away from Dean but he felt so lonely and lost without him.

       Another day went by and he came back feeling exhausted. This was how he was after every day because making sure he didn't say much to Dean or look in his direction, though he slipped here and there, was exhausting. He felt bad for his boyfriend since every time they went on a date now, Castiel didn't seem like he was there with him at times. Ephraim had voiced his concern but Castiel had become so good at lying; he should really thank Dean for that.

       “You mad at me too baby bro?” Gabriel asked hesitantly as he stood in his doorway. Castiel had almost forgotten that he was busy ignoring another person as well. He wasn't really angry at his brother but he thought a few days of the silent treatment would do him well.

       “No, I expected pranks from you.” Castiel sat up and gave a weak shrug. Gabriel pouted a little.

        “Hey, I don't not like your boyfriend.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a chocolate bar. Castiel was hoping it was a peace offering since he really liked chocolate but as his brother began to munch on it, he saw it wasn't the case. “I just think it's kind of weird you dating him when you still hung on Dean.”

      “I'm not hung on Dean.”

       “Really?” Gabriel didn't look convinced at all. Castiel thought he was becoming an excellent liar but apparently Castiel didn't know how Gabriel knew what was going on. People underestimated his brother so often because he was a trickster with a sweet tooth but the truth was Gabriel was always paying attention. He always understood situations. In their family, it was Gabriel that could mediate between Michael and Lucifer without getting an earful from either one. Some how, he just knew what to say. Being a candy store owner was a waste for someone with such a talent. “Look. Nothing good comes from dating someone you don't really care for just to distract from who you actually have feelings for. It's not fair for you, Dean or Ephraim. Especially Ephraim.”

      “I know.” Castiel knew dating Ephraim for such a selfish reason was unfair to him but it wasn't like he didn't like the boy. “I really care about Ephraim.”

       “Do you now?” Gabriel lifted an eyebrow and gave him one of his big brother stares. “You love him?”

       “No.” Castiel didn't love him at all even though Ephraim was attractive and had many good qualities. However, he liked spending time with the boy and he felt that if he continued, his feelings might change. “But I could one day.”

        Gabriel stared at his brother without a word for a moment causing Castiel to just wait nervously for him to say something. Was that it? Was he just going to stare him down now? Castiel was expecting a joke or a nod or some type of acknowledgment. This silence just made him feel like he had said something wrong. Maybe he had. He knew it was wrong to lead someone on when you didn't have feelings for them but he honestly thought those feelings would develop naturally if he just stayed with him.

        “Alright, Ephraim seemed to take my teasing well.” Gabriel finally spoke. “If you give up on Winchester, I'd say he's a good choice.”

        “I have already given up on Dean. Ephraim's an excellent choice.” There was no way Castiel could go chasing Dean anymore. He knew that there was no room in his friend's heart for him. He would find a way to not be affected by his feelings and just be friends with him, if they could be that anymore. Perhaps it was best to stay away.

        “No, I mean in your heart.” Gabriel walked towards Castiel and pointed towards his chest. “Throw Dean out.”

        “Should I invite Ephraim here later?” Castiel changed the subject quick because regardless of how well he was ignoring Dean, he still loved him. No matter what he did, he loved the boy and couldn't think of a way to throw him out of his heart. If it was so simple, he would have done it already. Perhaps, if he continued to ignore him, he would get over his feelings. Maybe that's what his brother meant.

         “Yeah, and I'll behave.” Gabriel put up two finger together up next to his head. “Scout's honor.”

         “You were never a scout.” Castiel couldn't even imagine his brother as a boy scout. If he was even allowed in a troop, he'd probably create chaos. So, it was good that Gabriel had not been in any club or team when he was in school.

        It seemed that everything was going good on the home front. Gabriel was promising to behave and Castiel was really going to introduce his boyfriend formally to his family. Lucifer even told him that morning that their father was going to be present at the dinner. His father found it important enough to sit and talk to Ephraim. Castiel didn't have many memories of his father, he barely saw the man outside his writing room, but he couldn't wait to see him again. Because everything was going so well, he forgot about ignoring Dean and hurrying to class early. So, while he was gathering books, Dean showed up beside him.

        He was wearing that sweater his mother made for him last Christmas. His mother wanted to start a hobby but had no patience to make sure she was good with the basics first. So, the sweater came out a size too small, showing off Dean's midsection when worn without a shirt, with holes and clumps in places. The whole thing was a disaster and yet, Dean came to school wearing it like he didn't care what he looked like in it.

        “You look ridiculous.” Castiel told him trying to sound as disinterested as he could.

        “Hey, your mom made this with love.” Dean chuckled and shrugged a little. It was then that Castiel realized that this was Dean's strange way of trying to make up with him. He was willing to look ridiculous just to have Castiel talk to him again.

        “All that money and this is what she gives you.” Castiel tried his best to suppress his smile. He had never thought Dean would go so far for him. Everyone was going to be talking about that horrid sweater for days to come. Dean would be humiliated but he didn't even seem to care. He just leaned in closer with that confident smirk of his and spoke again.

       “With love.” Dean repeated and Castiel couldn't hold it in any longer. The sweater was such a god awful gold color and looked like something a child made in arts and crafts. He couldn't stop himself from smiling and releasing a small chuckle. Dean chuckled as well oblivious to the stares other students were giving him. “There's that smile.” He said still leaning in. “I knew you couldn't be mad at me forever.”

        “Alright. You win.” Castiel gave in like he knew he would eventually. Dean and he have known each other for so long that it would be a shame to just throw those years of friendship away but there was more to it. Castiel just couldn't let go. He felt bad that he was unable to do what his brother wanted him to do but throwing Dean out of his heart was out of the question.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow (1996)

        Dean and Castiel went back to the way they were before. Even though Castiel was still dating Ephraim, Dean didn't blow him off anymore. They could spend time at Dean's house happily without Lisa calling the house and taking Dean's time. Castiel only ever hung out at Dean's house when Ephraim was at work so it all worked out perfectly. Dean was even being nicer to Ephraim even though he said only around three words to the boy at a time.

        Ephraim was charming and nice but it didn't matter what he did, Castiel was not in love with him. He tried his best to convince himself that Ephraim was the much better choice. Dean was never going to look his way but he couldn't force himself to love the boy. However, Castiel did enjoy his company and was hurt when the summer came.

       Lisa and Dean had their problems but in the end, they loved each other. Towards the end of their school year, she asked Dean back out shyly. At first, Dean wasn't so sure but love won out in the end. Dean was glad to have her back at his side and Castiel tried his best to ignore how it made him feel. He had Ephraim or so he thought.

       Summer came and Ephraim came with terrible news. His father was taking a much better job in another state and his whole family was moving. Ephraim didn't want to break up with Castiel, he even suggested writing each other letters, but Castiel refused. He couldn't date pieces of paper and writing. He realized that he was with Ephraim for the distraction and the letters wouldn't distract him at all. He was the one who decided they should break up.

       Seeing Ephraim's sad expression really made him feel guilty. He liked Ephraim and maybe, if they had more time, he could have grown to love him. So, not only did he feel guilty but he felt disappointed in himself because he hadn't thrown his feelings for Dean away. He, also, became sad because Ephraim was a nice guy and he was a great friend and now he was gone.

        Dean saw him feeling down and figured he was sad because he loved Ephraim. Castiel didn't want to tell him the truth and just allowed him to think that way. He tried his best to make him feel better; Dean took time away from being with Lisa just to spend more time with him. He tried to do the things Castiel liked to do and even sat silently in a park with him so Castiel could watch the people go by.

       “There are plenty of fish in the sea, Cas. More for you because you aren't picky.” He told him as they sat on a park bench and watched people walk by with their dogs, jog by or come with their significant other. So many happy people at the park; Castiel felt like he was the only one with a heavy weight in his heart. He couldn't keep Ephraim and there was no way he could have Dean. “I mean if he couldn't handle a long distance relationship it's his loss.”

        “I couldn't handle it.” Castiel knew Ephraim wouldn't have let go. He would have sent him letters and gifts until they could meet again. He just couldn't continue a lie and waste Ephraim's time. No letter would make him fall in love with him and Ephraim deserved someone that really loved him; not someone who just said the words insincerely. “It's my loss.”

       “Hey, you just need to get in there and find someone else.” Dean turned to look at him and grabbed the sleeve of his trench coat. “First, we need to lose this tax accountant thing you got going on.”

       Dean had bought him that coat and he had treasured it since the day. Being told to change it made him wonder if Dean even cared that he got him the jacket. What his friend was asking seemed a bit unreasonable. Castiel only ever wore suits. As the years went by, he was getting better at putting his outfit together. He wasn't at the point that he could tie his tie correctly but he was getting better. Dean didn't have to fix too many things when he saw him. It was safe and familiar. To change how he looked, would that change how he felt? Would shedding away everything he was on the outside change how he felt on the inside? Castiel held some of his trench coat in his fist; he didn't want to give it up.

       “Hi, Cas.” Sam called as he jogged over to them. Mary trailed behind him and the moment Dean saw both of them he tiredly sigh. Castiel wondered if he didn't know they were going to be joined by them later. “I heard you broke up with your boyfriend.”

       “Hey, Sammy.” Dean greeted with a forced smile. Castiel figured Dean hadn't wanted Sam to interrupt their talk. “Try again when you are older.”

      “Shut up, jerk.” Sam pouted and tried sitting on the bench between them. Castiel made room but Dean refused to allow Sam to sit. “I'm just here to make sure he's alright.”

       “I'm fine, Sam.” Castiel told him scooting further to the side to allow him a seat. “Thank you for your concern.”

      “If you need anything at all-”

       “You're 12, Sammy.” Dean sounded irritated when Sam was only trying to help. “Why don't you try helping out when your balls have dropped.”

       “Shut up, you jerk.” Sam pushed himself off the bench and glared at his older brother.

       “Bitch.”

       Castiel knew they called each other those names all the time but he didn't think Dean should be saying such things to his little brother. Sam just wanted to help and was being kind enough to offer. Castiel knew Sam was willing to do anything to make him feel better; he was a true friend. However, Dean had to be so harsh to the poor boy.

       “It's alright, Sam.” Castiel smiled softly trying to make the boy feel better. “If I need anything, I'll be sure to let you know.”

       Sam nodded with a small shy smile and stood there awkwardly for a while. Castiel didn't know if there was more he wanted to say or if he just didn't want to leave. It didn't matter what he wanted to say because Mary called him over towards an ice cream stand and no child could resist ice cream. Dean watched him leave with a small chuckle.

       “You know the dork has a thing for you.”

      “You don't have to be mean to him about it.” Castiel nudged Dean with his shoulder roughly. He knew Sam still had feelings for him but he wasn't going to hurt the poor boy. It was childish fancy and he was sure Sam would grow out of it.

       “What?” Dean looked at him incredulously. “You like him too? Do I have to be an older brother here?”

      “You were talking about changing my style?” Castiel didn't want to get in a tiring conversation about Sam's affections for him. He didn't feel the same way and he didn't know which way Dean would take that. He'd either be relieved or be offended Castiel didn't think Sam was worthy enough; Dean always did have a sort of brother complex. So, he tried steering the conversation back to what they were previously speaking about.

      “Right, yeah, we need to go shopping.” Dean nodded suddenly forgetting his brother just like Castiel hoped he would. “I'll call Lisa when I get home.”

       “Yes, the addition of Lisa will make you seem manlier.” Castiel chuckled a bit.

       “Shut it.”

       The truth was, Castiel didn't want Lisa to join them. Then again, he never wanted Lisa to be around when he was with Dean. When it was just him and Dean, at least Castiel could pretend that there was no one in between them. He could pretend that maybe Dean felt the same way and they were enjoying each others company more than just that of friends. So, when Sam started following them to Dean's car, Castiel didn't argue. If Lisa was going to be there, Sam might as well come too.

       “Why are you coming with us?” Dean asked the moment he saw Sam slide beside Castiel in the back. The Impala was given to Dean after he got his license over the summer. His parents decided it was best just to teach him themselves than pay the school the driving class fee. So, before Castiel had even thought of getting his license, Dean already had his.

       “I want to help.” Sam scooted closer to Castiel with a small smile. Castiel smiled back at him and didn't attempt to move away. He was sure if he tried Sam would just scoot closer.

       “Thank you, Sam.”

       They went to a mall not so far from them. During the ride, Lisa chatted about things Dean wasn't particularly interested in. He seemed bored the entire time she spoke of her friends and what they thought of certain outfits. Castiel tried entertaining her with listening but he really didn't understand a word she was saying. Sam, of course, grew impatient because Lisa was monopolizing Castiel and tried changing the subject to him.

       After they reached the mall, Lisa dragged him immediately into various shops. Clothes were thrown at him and she kept insisting he try on everything. She would frequently shake her head and give him more clothing to try on. Finally, after a while had passed, Lisa had chosen a bunch of outfits she thought he should keep and made him wear his best one to show the others.

      Dean and Sam were waiting outside the shops impatiently. Dean had expressed earlier his want to help Castiel choose a new style but Lisa just giggled and told him he didn't have to force himself. Castiel felt bad because Dean wouldn't be forcing himself. It was a little known fact but Dean did enjoy doing certain “unmanly” things and shopping for clothes was one of them. Dean liked approving or disapproving of certain outfits. Castiel knew about this because Dean had told him about various times when a girl had “dragged” him to go shopping; he never seemed like he really hated it. In fact, he always sounded like he enjoyed those moments.

        Castiel paid for his clothing and the cashier allowed him to wear one of his outfits out the shop. Lisa looked very proud of her achievement but Castiel wasn't so sure. He didn't see what was so great about the harsh material of the jeans and the blue hoodie he wore was too large for him but Lisa said it was the perfect size.

       “Doesn't he look amazing?” Lisa pushed Castiel in front of him to show them both the new and improved Castiel. For some reason, Castiel didn't feel like he was improved but Lisa insisted that it was an improvement. When Dean and Sam looked over at Castiel they both seemed to lose whatever words they were speaking to each other. Their eyes just roamed all over Castiel's form making him a bit uncomfortable.

       “You know.” Dean was the first to speak. “I just don't like it. This was a bad idea.”

       “I thought I looked nice.” Castiel sighed. He didn't like the way the foreign cloth felt but he really did think he looked nice, especially since Lisa kept telling him so. Even cashier said he looked great but the person, who's opinion mattered the most to him, didn't like it.

       “Dean's just jealous you look better than him.” Lisa told him trying to console him. She could tell he was a little bothered by Dean's words. “You'll keep these clothes?”

       “Of course.” He already spent a good amount of his allowance on the clothes and it would be rude to return everything after Lisa's hard work. “Thank you, Lisa.”

       “Cas, you look amazing.” Sam couldn't stop admiring every inch of Castiel in his new outfit; his eyes kept roaming around every inch of his form.“You always look amazing but-”

      “Smooth, Sammy.” Dean coughed looking away unhappily.

      “Leave me alone.” Sam whined while Lisa chuckled nervously. Castiel didn't understand why Dean was so upset. Was it because he didn't get to choose the outfit? He wouldn't be upset about that would he? Then again, Dean had always been a bit childish.

      Sam was eager to help Castiel with his bags but Dean was still a little off. He did help but something wasn't right. He drove him home without a word and his music on a reasonable volume. Dean never put his music on a reasonable volume not even with Lisa in the car.

      “Here's my stop.” Castiel announced as they pulled up near his home. There were many cars in the way so Dean couldn't pull up in the drive way. Castiel almost forgot about his family gathering. He worried if they would like his change of style or not. Ahead of them was a small, sleek white car that opened both front doors simultaneously. Slowly, his two older sisters exited wearing similar outfits. They may not look alike but they did their best to seem alike in some things. They even decided on the same college and major not too far from their home.

       “Who's she?” Sam's eyes were glued to the dark haired twin. Castiel wondered why Hannah had struck the young boy so much but then he realized something Dean would be proud of him for noticing. Hannah had similar eyes and hair like Castiel in color; she and him looked the most like brother and sister. Sam had a type.

       “Remember my sisters? The twins, Anna and Hannah?” Castiel spoke gesturing to his sisters. “That's Hannah.”

       “Wow.” Sam definitely was admiring his sister. Children were so innocent and just wore their emotions on their sleeves. Castiel loved that about them. They weren't as hard to figure out like teenagers or adults. Perhaps this meant that Sam could move on.

      “One crush at a time, Sammy.” Dean chuckled making Sam flush red like a tomato.

       “Shut up, you jerk.”

       “Bitch.”

       Castiel had to chuckle a bit as well. Sam was adorable and Dean did give him a hard time but that was what brothers did. He should know he had six older brothers and two younger ones. He never gave Samandriel and Inias a hard time but his older brothers were sure to bother him, when Michael wasn't around.

       Speaking of which, Michael had been asking about him constantly on the phone. He had heard of his break up and was anxious to see he was alright. Castiel didn't get two feet into the door before being scooped up in his eldest brother's arms. His third older brother, Bartholomew, had to peel Michael off of him to get him to stop. Castiel sighed. Michael had a brother complex too; it was probably the reason he and Dean got along famously.

       No one mentioned his change of attire. Michael mentioned the colors did well with his eyes but said nothing more. No one told him he looked great but no one told him he looked bad either. So, Castiel decided it was a win either way. They all wanted to talk business. Strange small talk about grades, work and aspirations. At one point, Bartholomew found Castiel alone in the parlor just trying to rest from all the extended socialization. He handed him a pamphlet to Notre Dame, a school in Indiana.

       “This is a really good school, Castiel.” Bartholomew wanted to convince him to go to that school because, from what Castiel heard was a highly respected school. Castiel had no desire to move so far from home, though. He and Dean already made a plan to go to the University of Kansas which was an easy commute from home. “I got a job as soon as I graduated.”

       “I heard you wanted to get into business.” Naomi entered the parlor not even glancing at her older brother. Her sole focus was on Castiel.

        “That is true.” Castiel shifted uncomfortably. He hated being the center of attention. Was it because of his new clothes? They didn't even mention that there was a difference, so why would that be a reason?

       “Perhaps you should look into accounting.” She suggested with a smile. Castiel smiled back. He had been thinking of accounting and he was glad that someone in his family had noticed. Naomi always seemed to know what was going on in other people's heads. “You've always been good with numbers.”

       “Please, Naomi.” Bartholomew was trying to remain civil but Castiel knew when his family was about to quarrel. He brought his legs up on the chair he rested on in and effort to look smaller. “Accounting doesn't pay nearly as much as a higher manager position. You want to get into management.”

       “I'm no leader.” Castiel muttered to himself hoping no one would hear but Naomi did. Naomi knew everything after all.

       “Oh, Castiel.” She put her best look of sympathy on but Castiel was sure it wasn't sincere. “You were made to follow orders.”

       “Naomi. Bartholomew. Please.” Michael's voice made them both back up. Because their father was so rarely around, Michael had somehow been given the same respect a father would. He watched over everyone and if they did wrong, he urged them to confess to mother what they had done. He helped their mother the most when it came to raising the younger siblings. He was, also, the most successful in business and was more likely to give better advice. Bartholomew and Naomi held respectable positions in their companies but not one as high as Michael. “Castiel, you study whatever you want in the business realm but you don't go off handing in applications to just any job when you graduate. Remember my company. I'll hire you no matter what, little brother. I'll make sure you are well paid and happy.”

       Castiel smiled as both Bartholomew and Naomi rolled their eyes. They all wanted what was best for Castiel in the end. He knew he should be happy that they all cared so much to argue about his future. They didn't say a word against Michael's suggestion, though. They didn't argue or bicker with him like they would with each other. Michael gave off this mature air and had always been so successful. He was the one they could look up to and respect. All the other siblings respected Michael; all except one.

      “Of course, Michael will.” Lucifer said in a rude tone. “Michael is so perfect. He can do anything.”

      “Lucifer.” Michael looked back at his brother that was only a year apart with a strange expression. Castiel couldn't help but think his eldest brother looked a bit sad.

       “I'm just here to get something to eat.” Lucifer walked into the middle of the room and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl that had been placed in the center of the coffee table there. “Don't mind me. Not like you ever did.”

       “You're the one childish enough to hold on stupid grudges.” Michael said suddenly no longer giving off that mature air he use to. It all disappeared and all that remained was tenseness. Lucifer bit into the apple dramatically while staring at his older brother and left.

        “Michael, you should really talk to him.” Naomi said as soon as he left but her words fell on deaf ears. Michael shook his head and refused.

      “There is nothing to talk to him about if he won't listen.”

       Castiel wondered what had happened between Lucifer and Michael. There had to be something that had happened otherwise they wouldn't be acting like that. He had little time to worry about his family since he had to worry about his new wardrobe and how everyone at school would take it. Castiel hoped it would be just like his family and not notice at all. He really didn't want to be the center of attention.

       “Who is this man?” Benny chuckled when Castiel exited Dean's car to get to school. Castiel smiled shyly but didn't know what to say. Dean slammed his door shut and joined his side quickly. He was still angry but it wasn't like him to be this upset over not doing something himself.

       “Wow, you look human.” Was all Victor could say.

       “Vick.” Benny gave him a look of disapproval followed by a slow head shake.

       “What?” Victor gave everyone an incredulous look. “What?”

       Slapping a hand on his back, Benny chuckled and moved closer to Castiel. He walked around him looking him up and down; Castiel felt even more uncomfortable than with Sam and Dean looking him over. Benny was really studying and he could see Dean grow even more annoyed. Maybe Lisa was right. Maybe he was jealous he looked better than him. Castiel never knew Dean to be vain or anything but what else could it be?

       “Now how am I gonna compete with this guy?” Benny sighed and shook his head. Castiel's eyes widened. He didn't want Benny to become jealous too!

       “It isn't a competition, Benny.” He said it for both Dean and Benny. There was no need to compare themselves. Castiel didn't think he was that great looking. Dean was by far the most attractive of them all.

        “Not to you it isn't.” Benny chuckled. “You'll have people throwing themselves at you. Stay away from Andrea.”

        “Will do.” Castiel nodded noticing Dean was now looking anywhere but him.

       “You do look great, Cas.” Victor patted him on the back with a smile.

       “Thank you.”

        Dean shook his head and frowned. Castiel really wished he knew what was going on in his head. It was him who wanted him to change his style. It was him that wanted him to look great so why was he so unhappy about it? Wasn't this what he wanted? Victor and Benny noticed as well.

       “Dean, what's up?” Victor asked before he noticed a certain blonde waving him over. “Oh, Bela is calling me.”

       “Bela, really?” Benny looked at his friend as if he had grown a third eye or something equally monstrous. Victor just turned to him looking quite offended.

       “Hey, don't judge me.”

       Castiel laughed as he watched Victor hurry to his apparently new girlfriend. Benny thought it was quite funny as well seeing Bela was one of those mysterious loners that seem like they were about to get that one way ticket to juvy where Victor was such a law abiding citizen. Castiel supposed opposites do attract.

       Castiel did attract more attention than he or Dean wanted. He could tell the more attention he got, the least happy Dean was but he got over it quickly. Soon they were back to how they always have been, with the addition of Lisa. Castiel thought that this was how it was going to be. He would just have to slowly try to move on or perhaps wait for Dean. He wasn't sure which one he should do. His heart told him to wait but his mind kept telling him it was hopeless.

        It was alright though. It didn't hurt as much when he saw Lisa anymore. He had gotten use to her presence. His heart had already broke so he doubted it could break anymore. Slowly, he would heal and everything would be fine. He even thought that he could stand being just Dean's friend until his senior year. It was the last year of his high school career that he would realize he was horribly wrong.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: Don't Speak by No Doubt (1995)

        Dean and Castiel were back to normal all through junior year. Castiel had gotten use to Lisa being there and not being there over and over again. Then, one day over the summer, they broke up but this time it wasn't the same as before. Castiel couldn't deny that he was happy when he heard Lisa was dating some biker named Mark. He couldn't deny that he hoped they would be happy together forever but that wasn't how it was meant to be.

       Mark had to leave and Lisa, no matter how much she wanted to, couldn't go with him. So, once he left in the beginning of August, she jumped right back into Dean's arms. However, things were different. They didn't seem so loving towards each other and they both argued much more frequently. Lisa had fallen in love with Mark and now there was no room for Dean in her heart. It caused a huge strain on their relationship and in the beginning of their senior year, they broke up for good.

      Castiel and Dean went back to spending every moment together after school. Castiel was filled with happiness whenever he heard the phone ring in the afternoon because he knew for a fact, Dean was calling. He would get little messages on his pager during the weekends if he was ever away from home and though he could decipher all the codes Dean used, they always made him smile. They began planning their future together even though they were just friends. Dean and Castiel were going to go the University of Kansas together. Dean wasn't sure what his major would be but Castiel knew he was going to go for accounting. It wasn't far from their homes but they thought about getting a place of their own. They thought about the ugly yellow house on Maple and repainting it. The owner was old and would sell it at any moment. Castiel liked it because he heard the neighbor was a bee keeper. Even after all this time, he still loved to watch bees fly around and do their duty.

      Dean chose the house for him and they already planned how they were going to set it up. Dean was working more with Bobby at the garage and would make enough to help pay his share. He suggested Castiel work at a library or somewhere else equally quiet. This was because Castiel was always sort of awkward around other people. Dean still dated once in a while but it was very short lived. None of the girls were like Lisa and Dean doubted he'd find a girl quite like her ever again. Castiel didn't want to see Dean sad so, he did everything he could to keep him happy and not thinking of love lost. It seemed like everything was going perfect and going in a good direction. But it wasn't long lasting because Dean came up to him weeks later with the worst news he could ever hear.

      “Cas, you got to help me, man.” The morning Dean showed up at his door and didn't wait in the car for him to come out would be etched in his mind for years to come. Castiel noticed Sam was in the backseat a little confused by Dean leaving him alone there. Dean looked around him making sure he was alone and it only made Castiel even more nervous.

      “What?”

       “Lisa's pregnant.” Dean's words made Castiel realize there was so much of his heart that hadn't broken yet. He felt like everything he was had just shattered. How could this happen? He didn't want to believe it. “I wore a condom every time. I don't understand.”

       “Even when used properly, condoms only prevent pregnancy 98% of the time.” Castiel blurted out facts because it was all he knew. It was what was safe and any other non factual response would make him tear up and not be able to speak. He couldn't let Dean know how this was affecting him. He had to remain strong.

       “Nice to know.” Dean did seem troubled. They were over now and for her to carry his child wasn't ideal. Especially, when they didn't break off amicably.

       Was the child his? How far along was Lisa? After all, Mark was in the picture for a month and a half. Did they even do anything or was their relationship to short to go on the next level? Lisa never said she and Mark did much and she always met Mark in public areas. Besides, he was an adult, things were different with adults but there was still a chance.

       “It's yours?” Castiel didn't explain his reasoning; he didn't think he'd be able to. The more he talked the more he wouldn't be able to hide the tremble in his voice.

        “Whose else would it be?” Dean questioned. Lisa would have told Dean if Mark was a possible father, right? “Maybe I should ask her to marry me. You know. I have to take responsibility.”

         Marriage? So soon? Castiel felt like he was about to throw up. How could Dean even consider that so early. He and Lisa were over and it wasn't like they loved each other anymore. Unless, Dean still loved her. Perhaps this was all an excuse to stay with her; he did seem hurt that they were breaking up. He was so unhappy for days and days. Castiel could make him laugh and smile but he knew he had missed Lisa. It didn't matter. Castiel didn't want to talk about this anymore. He didn't want to be there anymore. He just wanted to forget everything.

         “You do what you think is right.” He said holding in his emotions and hurrying to the car. In front of Sam, Dean wouldn't dare speak of it. So, he was safe from that but not from how it made him feel.

         Ever since Lisa and Dean changed his style, more people had notice him and it was easier to pretend to be speaking to someone when Dean wanted to talk to him. Just now, he was pretending to speak with Sandy when he noticed Dean approaching him. Sandy was a nice girl that always paid attention in class. She wanted to talk to Castiel about prom and was wondering if he was taking anyone. Castiel never considered even going to prom since he never really liked parties anyway. Even if he did like parties, there wasn't anyone he was interested in bringing.

         “Cas, I need to talk to you.” Dean told him and immediately, Sandy retreated. Castiel watched her leave in horror. How could she just abandon him like that?

        “I'm busy, Dean.” He knew he looked like nothing was happening. He knew he didn't even have a book in his hand but he really tried to sound like he really was busy. “I have to study for the SATs. I need to focus on my future.”

         “Me too!” Dean exclaimed and got closer to him. He gave him those sad pleading eyes that Castiel swore he learned from his little brother. “Cas, buddy. You are the only one I can talk to.”

         “What about Benny or Victor?” Castiel didn't want to talk to Dean about Lisa's pregnancy. He didn't want to know a thing about it. He just wanted to go on with his life with little pain, was that so much to ask? Dean had other friends; why did he feel the need to bother him about this?

          “What _about_ Benny or Victor?”

         “I need to get to class.” Castiel pushed past him and headed towards his next class. He didn't even bother to get anything from his locker. He just had to get out of there. He had to get away from Dean and this feeling. He wished it would just go away. He had to do what Gabriel told him to do. He was a fool for not listing before. Dean Winchester had to be thrown out of his heart.

         “Cas, please talk to me.” Dean called from down the hall as he hurried away. “Please. I need you.”

         Castiel didn't want to hear that his friend needed him because he didn't need him. The only person he needed now was the mother of his child. Castiel wasn't going to stand there and hear all about how Dean was going to be with another person. He didn't want to even think about it. He had to get away; he had to find a way to get away from the pain.

          He found himself avoiding going anywhere he may bump into Dean. He made sure to sit further away from him in the classes they shared and did his best to not appear in front of him. He knew Dean probably suspected that he was ignoring him but he didn't care anymore. This was the end; he couldn't go on hurting himself anymore.

           He was gathering materials for his next class when he felt his hoodie be thrown on his head. Worried, Castiel turned around expecting to see Dean but was relieved when he saw Benny instead. Pulling off his hood, Castiel shook his head and sighed. Benny had never bothered him like this before. Every time they saw each other it was always in the company of Dean and Benny always kept his distance with Victor. In fact, Castiel couldn't even find Victor around. There were times they were alone but Benny never played with him like that; it was always a sort of polite way Benny behaved around him.

         “You're ignoring him, brother.” Benny leaned his back against the locker with a knowing look. Castiel knew he was talking about Dean. He probably flipped his hood because he thought Castiel was being childish or rude. It was neither of the two. He just needed some space and some time to get through all this.

         “I'm not ignoring him.” Castiel lied easily and he thought Benny would buy it, after all, he had gotten so good at it over the years. “I'm just busy.”

         “Right.” Pushing himself off the locker, Benny nodded not looking like he was at all convinced.“Look, I know you like him.”

         “What?”

          “I know you have a thing for Dean.” Benny clarified. Castiel's eyes widened horror. He had thought he was so careful. He thought he had been so good at hiding his feelings. “Now don't worry. Dean has no idea. He's thick like that.”

         “And Victor?” How many people knew he loved Dean? How many people stood by watching him hurt himself over and over again without a word?

         “He's too busy to notice.” Benny shook his head with a smile. “That guy has a mind that only goes one way. He filters out anything that has no importance to him.”

         “How?” Castiel didn't understand where he had messed up. He knew his brothers, Lucifer and Gabriel, knew but only because he had confided in them before. He didn't tell anyone else because he feared Dean would find out. If Dean knew how he felt about him, would he even want to be friends with him? Would he be disgusted? Castiel didn't want to find out. It was best to keep his feelings to himself but he needed to know how Benny found out in order to keep his feelings hidden.

         “It don't take much to put two and two together.” Benny said which didn't make him feel any better. “'Specially with how long we've known each other.”

          “What if your assumption was wrong?”

          “Well, I'd be right embarrassed.” Benny chuckled a little and leaned back against the lockers. “Look, you need to talk to anyone, I'm here. But ignoring him isn't going to help the situation.”

          “It'll help me.” Castiel couldn't be near Dean right now. Every time he saw him he was filled with so much hurt and kept thinking about the news he was told earlier. He didn't want to think about how Dean was never going to be his or how much he loved his friend. He just wanted some time to process the news and be able to find a way to be by his side without feeling the pain of loss. He needed to find a way to be his friend and pretend that everything was alright. He just couldn't now. Not when seeing Dean brought up so many emotions. He couldn't pretend anything was alright but he knew with some time, he'd be able to. He just needed time.

        “Don't not be there for him.” Benny pleaded. “Not when he needs you most.”

         Needed him? Castiel couldn't see how Dean would actually need him now. Lisa would be the one he could rely on now. It wasn't his business to get involved; Dean didn't love him back anyway. It was foolish to believe that he would notice him one day. With the baby in the picture, Castiel would be left behind and forgotten. It was best to walk away first and get over him so that it didn't hurt when he inevitably marries Lisa.

         Benny still wanted him to at least talk to Dean but Castiel didn't know what could be said. If he told Dean how he felt, it wouldn't even matter. It was obvious that he was dead set on marrying Lisa and having his own family. Castiel had no place there. The house on Maple would go to someone else because there was no reason to buy it now. It was too small for the family Dean would have with Lisa. Dean loved children so Castiel was sure he would have more than one child. A house with only two bedrooms was way too small and the only reason they were going to get it was for the bees. He guessed he would have to get the house on his own and invite Dean over once in a while. He was sure they would still be friends in the end, he couldn't leave him behind. They have been together for so long it would be to painful to cut ties completely. Castiel didn't want that, he just wanted some time. It was best to just sort himself out before he even attempted to talk to Dean again. He'd get over it, he had to. He had gotten use to Lisa before, maybe he'd get use to this too; he just needed time.

         When he got home, he had so many things running through his mind. He didn't want to avoid Dean and couldn't wait to see him again but the thought of him and Lisa was just too much. He didn't want to abandon him completely but he found himself seeing him less and less. He just couldn't face the problem head on but he was afraid about losing Dean forever at the same time. He wished he could just throw Dean out of his heart easily. There had to be a way to be his friend without the pain in his chest.

         “When are you going to get a job, Lucifer?” He heard his mother speaking when he entered the parlor.“Your father and I have been a bit concerned.”

         “I'll tell you when I find something.” Lucifer was trying to escape the room but Gabriel stood in the doorway eating a lollipop.

        “You can work at my shop a bit.” He suggested with a shrug. Lucifer looked at his brother incredulously and shook his head.

         “I'd rather die.”

         "That was rude.” Gabriel looked very confused. What was so bad about working at a candy shop? Castiel was sure Gabriel would be a generous and fair-minded employer.

          “Michael suggested a career planning program.” Becky continued to talk as she grabbed a manila envelope from the coffee table. “One that will give you an aptitude test and figure out what sort of goals you wish-”

           “Michael, the perfect child, trying to help me, the drop out?” The look in Lucifer's eyes was one full of anger and hatred. Castiel wished he knew why he was so hostile towards Michael. He couldn't recall a single bad thing Michael had done to him. “How caring of him.”

          “Lucifer!” Becky shouted at her second oldest. “You know how Michael cares about you. You're his brother.”

           “All we ever did was fight and then in college-” Lucifer paused as his eyes softened. No longer was there hatred in his eyes. It all faded away and in its place remained sadness. “I doubt he cares.”

            It was then his mother turned and saw him standing there awkwardly. If Castiel could become part of the wall, he would have. He didn't want to get into this especially with everything he had to deal with now. All his future plans were ruined and Dean- He didn't even want to think about it anymore.

           “Castiel, there you are.” His mother said with a small smile. “Please, tell your older brother how important it is to strike out on your own.”

          “On your own?” Castiel didn't understand what she was trying to say.

           “Yes, be your own person.” She told him. “Live your life.”

           Castiel never was his own person. He couldn't see himself without Dean and maybe that was the problem. All his plans in the future relied so heavily on someone else; someone who wasn't guaranteed to be there in the end. He couldn't just ignore this issue like he previously thought. He shouldn't just try to get over it and go back to relying on Dean. He couldn't rely on him anymore. He had to be his own person. He had live his life.

           “I have to go.”

            “Castiel?” He heard his mother call after him as he pushed passed his brothers and raced up the stairs to his room. “Honey?”

           He searched all over his room and in each drawer of his desk. It had to be here somewhere. He knew it had been around a year since he placed it inside his room but he was sure he hadn't thrown it away. In the closet, in a box? Under his bed? It was unlikely to be under there since Castiel was very meticulous about keeping his floor clean. Well, the maid was meticulous, Castiel just admired her work. Finally, he found it being used as a book mark in one of his text books. Slowly, he pulled it out revealing the front of the pamphlet.

          It was time to learn more about Notre Dame.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: Adia by Sarah Mclachlan (1997)

       Benny's words remained with him even though he kept thinking about going to Notre Dame. He couldn't not be there for Dean when he was going through something like this but he didn't want to hurt every time he saw him. He would endure it. He just had to endure it for a little longer. He could go to school in Notre Dame and there he would find his peace and be able to let go of Dean once in for all. Or perhaps, when he goes to college with Dean, he would find someone else to keep him occupied. He still hadn't decided what he would do in the end but he knew he had to find someone or something else to keep his mind off Dean completely. Until then, he would be there for Dean.

        At first, it was all going well. Dean barely spoke about it and when he did he was worried of what Lisa wanted. Apparently, Lisa was very receptive to Dean's plans of getting back together with her but marriage was out of the question. Dean was hoping to change her mind soon but the two argued so frequently. Castiel didn't get in between it. He listened to Dean when he was angry or upset but gave no advice. He was just a sounding board because what could he say. Everything he wanted to say was usually not helpful for Dean. He just wanted Dean to leave Lisa; baby or not.

        It was taking its toll on him. Every time he heard Dean complain, it was like a piece of him died. He didn't know how he could separate his feelings and just be a friend to him. Every time he heard about the situation, the pain in his chest got tighter and tighter. Benny told him to be there for him but it was getting harder and harder.

        He went to him for advice. After their talk, he found that Benny was much easier to talk to than he had initially assumed. They would talk between classes when their next class was shared. It was always when Dean wasn't around and lately, Dean had been clinging to Castiel. He had been trying to distract himself from the reality of Lisa's pregnancy and it only made more fights happen between him and her. She talked about ridding herself of the baby but her parents talked her out of it. It had been weeks and she still refused to marry Dean. She wanted to be with him but even that was questionable.

        Benny didn't have much to say except trying to talk to Dean. It seemed all Benny wanted Castiel to do was confess his feelings before there was no turning back. Castiel didn't know how Dean would take a confession like that especially with everything on his plate right now. There were a number of things that could happen and a lot of them ended with Dean not being his friend anymore, and Castiel just wasn't ready to lose him. He kept the pamphlet to Notre Dame with him but even then he couldn't find himself wanting to go there. He just couldn't leave Dean but he couldn't tell him how he felt. He didn't know what to do until Dean once again confided in him about the situation.

        It had been a while since he talked about it. Most of the time he complained about Lisa's moods or how he didn't know if it would work. Castiel was very supportive or at least pretended he was. It seemed like the relationship could go either way and he could bear with it if he thought of their possible breakup. It sounded cruel but Castiel couldn't help it.

        “She cheated on me, Cas. Okay. Well, not cheated. We were on that long break over the summer, remember? And she was with that total tool of a biker guy for a month and a half?” Dean told him as they walked towards his car one day. Of course, he knew about Mark. Castiel was wondering when Dean would bring that up. It was silly of him not to even think of it. “There's a possibility the child isn't mine.”

        “That's good news?” Castiel knew Dean had been forcing himself to get with Lisa. He had said before this whole baby thing that he felt their love was dying off. So, he had to be forcing himself. If the baby was Mark's wouldn't that be good for him. He'd be off the hook.

        “That's horrible news.” Dean surprised him though, saying something like that. “I thought me and Lisa were it. What if it is that biker guy's kid? What if she wants to marry him instead? ”

        “Oh, sorry to hear that.” Castiel didn't understand. Didn't he say they weren't the same anymore? Why did he want to be with her still?

        “It could still be mine.” It could be. It could, also, be Mark's. Why couldn't he just wait and see then make plans. It didn't matter whose it was anyway. If he didn't love Lisa, he didn't have to marry her. It was simple. Why was he doing this? It was obvious he wasn't happy with Lisa anymore.

        “Look, maybe you should talk to your parents.” Castiel couldn't tell him everything he really thought. He could only pretend to be the supportive friend. Dean would never love someone like him. He never even expressed any interest in other boys. He'd be a fool to confess now. All he could do is hope he would stop talking to him about these things. His parents would be supportive, he knew. John would probably be furious but Mary knew how to calm him down. They would give better advice than he ever would. Especially, since they didn't hope he would break it off with Lisa soon.

        “I did.” Dean said with a sigh. “They sat me down and talked to me. Both of them. They looked so disappointed. Mom told me not to do anything rash until I know for sure. Dad told me to get a paternity test. I don't think I want to really know, though. We could be happy without knowing.”

        Happy without knowing? It was that phrase that really felt like a knife had gone through his chest. Did Dean still love Lisa? Was this why he clung to her even when she refused to marry him? She didn't reject him completely; she did take him back as a boyfriend but they argued a lot now? Castiel felt so angry at himself and at Dean. Dean was so stupid and he couldn't stand it. Why couldn't he see they wouldn't work? Why did he keep chasing a woman, who no longer loved him? Why didn't he see who truly loved him was right next to him?

        “When's the baby due?” Castiel uttered somehow hiding everything inside. He was mad at himself as well. He couldn't believe he was allowing himself to feel so much pain for someone who obviously would never turn his way. Dean was so obsessed with being with Lisa, there was no way he'd realize what he had right there. Castiel was an idiot for taking Benny's advice and being there for him. It may help Dean but it hurt him so much. Why should he feel pain when he didn't have to? Why was he still there?

        “In April or May.” Dean nodded. Mark and Lisa broke up around August. Dean and Lisa got back together around that time as well. The due date could mean either one of them and sometimes babies would be born early. So, they would have to do the paternal test John suggested in order to truly know.“We'll find out then.”

        It didn't matter. Castiel could only think back to all the times he allowed Dean to continue to hurt him. All the times he continued to take Benny's advice and was there for him. It was all building up and it was all for nothing. Dean would choose Lisa in the end regardless if the baby was his or not. After this year, why should Castiel hurt himself any more?

       “I'm going to Notre Dame.” He blurted out without another thought. Dean stopped talking immediately and looked at him in shock.

        “What?”

        “I'll be going to Notre Dame. It's a fine school and my brother Bartholomew had attended there. So, I will be busy getting ready and making sure everything went through. ” Castiel explained not being able to look Dean in the eyes.

         “But that's too far, Cas.” Dean complained shaking his head in disbelief. “Didn't you just want to take business? You can do that here at the University of Kansas, Cas. It's only a few minutes away. We planned this, Cas. What about the house on Maple?”

        The house on Maple? It was never going to be bought. Unless, he wanted Castiel to live with him and Lisa. There was no way he could do that and Dean was a fool if he thought they could all live together. Seeing Dean with Lisa was more painful than before. If he saw how happy they were with the child, it would kill him completely he was sure.

        “Notre Dame is famous for its business school.” Castiel was not just reasoning with Dean but himself as well. It was better to go to that college it really was. “I'll have a leg up on the competition if I graduate from there.”

        “But, Cas.” Dean sounded desperate and Castiel wasn't sure he could hold his ground. “I need you here.”

        “Whatever mess you got yourself into is not my problem.” He said suddenly with a quivering voice. He couldn't hold back his emotions anymore. They had been piling up and now they were trying to escape. He couldn't let Dean see him this way. He didn't want anyone to see him this way. “I can't just stick by your side forever. I have to move on, Dean. I have to live my life.”

       Quickly, Castiel turned to walk away. His breathing was uneven and he was trembling. He knew at any moment he would break and say everything he wanted to say; everything Benny thought he needed to say. Castiel didn't want Dean to be disgusted with him and break off their friendship. If anyone broke it off, it would be Castiel. It wasn't like he was really breaking it off, he just needed time to himself. Time to forget Dean in his heart. He was sure once he returned on break or something, all the feelings would be gone. They could really be friends and just friends.

       “Cas.” His voice sounded pleading as if trying to pull him back. No, he had to leave. He had to do this for himself. Do something for himself just once.

        “I wish you and Lisa all the luck in the world.” Castiel raced out of there. He heard Dean shouting for him but he didn't turn around. He couldn't. If he did, Dean would see the emotions in his eyes. If he did, he would be found out for sure.

         It was easier to pretend he was busy because he was in fact busy. He had a lot of paperwork to fill out and he was a little late in doing so. If it wasn't for his brother, Bartholomew, help he may not have been considered. It was all about timing really because Castiel was more than qualified for the school. He was his class's valedictorian and had a few awards to place him above the average student. Notre Dame would be proud to have him but was it really what he wanted?

       He was at his lockers again at the time Benny showed up. Castiel wanted to ignore him but it was hard to ignore Benny's quiet presence. It didn't matter if he even spoke, there was just this feel whenever Benny was nearby; the man had some way of making his presence known without a word. Castiel looked over at him hesitantly and heard him sigh.

       “Cas.”

      “Not now, Benny.” He knew what the boy wanted to say and he didn't want to hear it. He got it. He messed up but there was really no other choice; he wasn't going to tell Dean how he felt so all he could do was live his life. Benny was a wise boy, he'd understand, right?

      “Dean told me you are going to Notre Dame.” Benny shrugged but his face didn't show any disappointment or unhappiness; that was a good thing. “It's a good school.”

       “Yes, it is.”

       “That's not why your going.”Of course, Benny knew of his feelings for Dean. He probably put it all together on his own like he had done before. But that didn't mean he shouldn't go to Notre Dame. The only thing holding him in Kansas was Dean. He was willing to go to a university not as prestigious and well known just to be by his friend's side. It was better to go to Notre Dame in the end. It was recognizable by many employers and one of the top universities in the United States. He would look very good graduating from there.

       “I heard you'll be heading back to Louisiana.” Castiel changed the subject to Benny. Benny was leaving and so was Victor to better places as well. They were allowed to live their lives so why did he have to be chained to Lawrence? Benny was going to Louisiana and Victor was going to Virginia. It was natural to want to live your own life. It wasn't forever, of course. If life allowed it, they would all see each other again one day.

       “I got family there and I want to be close to them.” Benny explained rubbing the back of his neck. He probably realized that he too was leaving. “I'll write.”

        “I will too.” Castiel was just like them in the end. Everyone was moving away and that was just how things happen sometimes. Where they ended up, no one knew yet but to act like he was being cruel for leaving was hypocritical. Castiel was just doing what everyone else was doing in the end.

         “Will you write to Dean?” Benny asked hesitantly. Write Dean? Write him what? He supposed he could send him a letter each week but would that really rid his heart of his friend? Would he receive letters as well talking about Lisa and the baby? No, he couldn't read those.

        “He's going to marry Lisa, Benny.”

        “We aren't sure about that.”

        “He is. No matter what the results will be. He will choose Lisa.” Castiel had waited for Dean. He waited for years and he waited for him to leave Lisa for two of those years. In the end, no matter what happen he went back to her. He loved her and not him. “Why should I hurt myself anymore?”

        “This is my aunt's address.” Benny pulled out a sheet of notebook paper from his book and searched his pocket for a pen. He placed the paper against the locker and began scribbling an address on the bottom of it. It seemed the piece of paper was filled with math problems and could have been homework at one point. Ripping the bottom off, Benny handed it to Castiel. “I'll be staying with her. It's cheaper than a dorm I'll tell you that.”

        “I'll write.” Castiel promised and Benny smiled softly.

        “You better.” Benny was much different from what he had thought before this year. He was so much more caring than Castiel had ever imagined. He was the type of person anyone could depend on; Andrea was lucky to have him. With an unsure look, Benny hesitantly asked “Cas, we're friends, right?”

        All this time, before this year, Castiel had never thought of Benny or Victor as friends. They had known each other since second grade but not once did he think of them as _his_ friends; they were always Dean's friends. But that wasn't right. They had stuck by him just as much and tried to protect him, help him and even include him. He knew a lot about each boy and they knew just as much of him. They knew each others' favorite foods, hobbies, likes and dislikes. They could laugh at the same joke together and though they never called on the phone, they did have nice conversations. Benny and Victor may not have been as special as Dean but they were always there and they had always been friends.

        “We always were.” Castiel told him watching Benny's face light up with a genuine smile. They may not see each other again after graduation but Benny and Victor would always be a part of Castiel's life. A part that he would take with him to Notre Dame. His two good friends, who encouraged him and helped him when he needed them. He was a fool to think them anything otherwise.

        They'll write each other and they'll never forget. However, Castiel wasn't sure about writing Dean. Perhaps with time, he would be able to look back fondly at these years. He would laugh about how stupid he was and be completely at peace with what had happened. But that wasn't now. Despite telling Benny he'd write them, he probably wouldn't write Dean. Not until he was ready.

        Some people you just had to let go.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Good Riddance (Time of your life)- Green day  
>  this one I really suggest you listen to after reading or towards the end. It's really good for this chapter and adds to the feeling. The funny thing is that when I was outlining this chapter a while ago, this song was playing. It was the whole reason I started giving out suggestions for songs each chapter. I was like “This is perfect”

        Castiel was always busy. Too busy to talk, too busy to hang out and definitely too busy for Dean. But somehow he wasn't too busy for Benny. Dean had seen the two of them chatting away like there was no one else in the world around them until they saw Dean. The moment they saw him they got all silent and at least one of them had to go. Usually, it was Castiel because he was _so_ busy.

        He was being spotted more often than not with Benny. It was like the two of them formed their own club and Dean wasn't invited. What were they even talking about when they were together? Why did Castiel smile so sadly and why did they always get so close? They were entirely to close when they talked and Dean didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. So, when he saw Benny alone, he knew he had to bring it up. He couldn't talk to Castiel about it because he was too busy but Benny? Benny had all the time in the world it seemed.

        “You and Cas have been hanging out a lot lately.” Dean tried his best not to pout childishly but he really felt like doing it. “Without me.”

        “You're busy, brother.”

        “I'm not that busy.” Busy? He was no more busy than any other high school student. Sure, he had the situation with Lisa but for the most part it wasn't much of an issue. Lisa didn't need anything special and went to school like any other high school student. The fact that she was pregnant didn't change the amount of time Dean had during the day.

       “Friends come and go, Dean.” Benny told him with a shrug. The phrase wasn't something Dean wanted to hear. Friends come and go? What was he trying to say? Did Castiel not want to be friends with him anymore? That was ridiculous. After everything they had been through, there was no way he would just dump him now. They were still friends and it didn't matter if Benny hung out with him more, he wasn't going to snatch his best friend away. “You need to focus on the girl you love. Didn't you tell me that when you pictured yourself happy in the future it was with Lisa?”

        “But I didn't think Cas wouldn't be there.” Dean couldn't imagine a future without Castiel being there. He had had so many plans for the future and all of them included his best friend.

        “You really thought he'd hang around?” Benny looked at him like he was the dumbest person he ever saw. Dean didn't understand. Why wouldn't his friend stick around? Castiel loved his family and they always spent time together. Obviously, he wouldn't want to go too far from Lawrence. Dean, also, wasn't going to leave Kansas anytime soon, so why not believe they were going to be friends forever? Sure, Castiel was thinking of going to Notre Dame but could he last that long away from home? He'd come back after school was done. He had to. Benny sighed and shook his head.“You thought you could have both without hurting anyone?”

        “Who am I hurting?” Sure, he and Lisa argued a lot but he doubt he was hurting her. She was doing the majority of the hurting. Saying things like she doesn't know if she loves him anymore. Castiel was his friend and though he hadn't spent much time with him lately it was because he was busy all the time. How can he hurt someone he doesn't even see much anymore?

       “Look, I don't want to push any apple carts but do you know what love is?”

       “What kind of question is that?” What did that have to do with anything that was going on right now? He had begun this conversation about Castiel. He wanted to know why Castiel would prefer Benny's company over his. This had nothing to do with knowing what love is. Of course, he knew what love was. He and Lisa had been together for years now. He knew all about love and girlfriends; he wasn't a child.

       “We are in our senior year of high school. We barely know what futures we want for each other but you say you know what love is.” Benny chuckled a bit. Why was that funny? Benny was the same age as him and he had heard him say those three little words countless times to Andrea.

       “I love Lisa.” Dean told him. It wasn't something he admitted a lot. Dean usually didn't throw his feelings out there like that but Benny was getting on his nerves. How dare he question what he was feeling?

       “Then why are you so scared of her having your kid?”

        “I'm not ready to be a father.” This and that were two different things. Having children with someone and just having feelings for them were two totally different issues. Didn't Benny see that? “I'm just a kid myself.”

        “But you know what love is.” What was he trying to say? What was he trying to hint at? Dean looked down a bit. He loved Lisa. He did. What made her different from other girls? They could talk and he felt comfortable around her. He felt comfortable around Benny too, most days. No, he didn't want to think about it but Benny just continued. “Brother, do you even love her anymore? You guys are on and off all the time-”

        “People have problems, Benny.” Dean told him refusing to believe he was right. Lisa and he were different now. They fought a lot and that passion and obsession he had felt prior had dissipated. That didn't mean he didn't care about her; he did. He didn't want to think about this. He had so much on his plate right now and this conversation was supposed to be about Castiel not Lisa. “You know what? Screw you. Go ahead and run off into the sunset with Cas. I don't care.”

        “Maybe I will.” Benny said louder than Dean had ever heard him get with him before. He paused. Benny and Castiel? Was this his plan the whole time? Was he just waiting to snatch Castiel from him? “Don't give me that look, brother. You can't have your cake and eat it too.”

       “Oh, shut up will you.”

       “What if she don't want to marry you?” Benny had to continue talking about Lisa. It was starting to irritate Dean a bit.

       “I don't care.” He told him but really he did. If Lisa didn't want to marry him and wanted to be with Mark instead, he would have to let her go. His mother had reminded him a few days ago that feelings couldn't be forced and that he shouldn't hold on to something out of obligation. Dean didn't think he was holding on out of obligation but maybe she was talking about Lisa. She did seem unhappy lately but she, also, said she wanted him by her side. Dean didn't want to leave her alone when she told him she needed him. “I'll stay by her side until she's ready.”

      “If I slept with her would you care?” Benny asked curiously. Dean's mind went blank. Slept with her? What did he mean? Did Benny sleep with her? Was there a chance the baby inside her now was in fact, Benny's? When did they sleep together? If the time line was correct, she was either with Mark or him during conception? So, she cheated on one of them with Benny?

       “Did you?” Dean was curious and a little shocked. He didn't know what to think. He was a bit upset that his friend would do something like that to him but with how things were going, he supposed he didn't have a right to be angry.

       “No, but answer the question. Would you care?” That was a relief. Of course, Benny wouldn't do that to him; they were friends after all.

        “You're my friend, Benny but that would be a dick move.” Dean admitted. “Hell, yeah, I'd care.”

       “I slept with Cas.” There was no hypothetical question there; it was just a statement. Suddenly, a wave of emotions hit Dean harder than he had ever felt before. With Lisa, he was worried, concerned, confused and a bit upset. Now, he felt angrier than he had ever felt before and his chest hurt so badly. He felt like Benny's words had cut into him like a knife and was slowly sliding down into his gut.

       “What?” He was shocked but that was all under the pure anger and hurt he felt. He grabbed Benny's shirt and threw him against the lockers. “You what? You're straight, Benny! You said you were straight and- What did you do to him?”

        “Brother, I didn't do anything.” Benny put his hands up in defense. He looked like he was caught off guard but also there was a hint of amusement in his eyes. “I was just testing your reaction.”

       “That is definitely a dick move.” Dean growled pushing off of his friend. “Benny, you asshole.”

       “What if I was dating Cas?” Another question? Dean was done with these questions he had enough of this. This wasn't funny and he didn't want to even think about it. The way he felt when it had been Castiel, was nothing like he felt about Lisa. He didn't even want to think of Castiel with Benny, it bothered him too much.

        “You're fucking straight.”

        “What if I was?” Benny could see Dean wasn't having anymore of the conversation and nodded. “I'm not but I'm glad we had this talk.”

       “I'm not.” Dean was horrified they had this talk. It opened his eyes to things he had refused to consider before but now it was completely obvious. He was a fool not to notice it before but now it was too late. Dean couldn't believe how blind he had been and how he had wrapped himself into a situation he didn't want to be in.

       He loved Lisa; he really did. He just didn't love her in the way he had thought he had. Lisa was a good friend and someone he wanted to be happy and safe. Lisa was someone he cared about and wanted the best for but he didn't love her romantically like he thought he had. He was attracted to her sexually and he cared about her like he would Benny or Victor; he didn't feel anything stronger than that. No, he had gone the wrong way and now it was too late to turn back onto the right road. Dean felt sick as realization hit him.

       He was in love with his best friend, Castiel.

       What was he going to do with that information? He couldn't just profess his undying love to his best friend that had begun ignoring him. What if Castiel didn't even feel the same way? What if he noticed Dean's feelings and had been ignoring him because of that? That was a silly thought. How could he have known when Dean hadn't known himself?

       He saw Castiel hurrying to grab stuff out of his locker. He probably arrived early in hopes not to bump into Dean. This made his chest hurt at the idea that Castiel was avoiding him and didn't want to be around him anymore. Dean felt all sorts of awful. If he had known of his feelings, he would have taken a chance and confessed. Maybe. No, he wouldn't have. It wasn't worth losing Castiel completely but he was going to lose him anyway at this rate.

       But he was dating Lisa right now and she was pregnant with possibly his child. He already promised he wouldn't abandon her when she was having that panic attack at the doctor's office. But she didn't love him and they both knew that. She was clinging on anyone who would stay. Perhaps, if the baby turned out to be Mark's she would search for him. Maybe then he would have a chance to be with Castiel.

       No, Castiel was leaving to go to Notre Dame. He didn't want to be around him anymore. He ruined everything. If he had known earlier about his feelings, he would have tried to pursue Castiel when they were still good friends. It only took a little nudge in the right direction to go from friends to lovers; he was sure of it. He was a good looking guy and Castiel was a good looking guy, there would be no problems if he stayed the course. It would probably break Sam's heart to find his crush dating his brother but he'd get over it. But none of that would work now because everything was a mess and it was all his fault. Why would Castiel want to be with someone who had a kid with someone else? He got Lisa pregnant and he didn't even love her. The person he did love was being pushed away because of it.

       “Maybe I should drop out.” He groaned leaning against the lockers. It would not be much different from any other mistake he had done. He had ruined his chances with anyone by doing something stupid like that. He couldn't believe how much of an idiot he had been. He didn't even deserve anything anymore. He just wanted to give up. Why not go the extra mile and ruin his life completely.

       “We're almost done, Dean.” Castiel sighed in a tired manner. “Don't be stupid.”

        “We're almost done?” Dean's voice cracked a bit as he spoke. Done. He and Castiel were almost done. Of course, they were because he was an idiot. He was always an idiot. Why didn't Benny talk to him sooner?

       “The school year is almost over.” Castiel clarified but it didn't make Dean feel any better.

       “Right.” Dean nodded a little. “It would be stupid. Everything I've ever done is stupid. I'm going to be raising a child and I don't even have a job or anything. I don't even know if I want to do this anymore. What was I thinking? What have I been thinking?”

       “I hope everything goes well.” Castiel shut his locker refusing to look over at him. Dean just wanted him to look at him again. Even if it was just a glance.

       “Cas.” Dean reached out to touch his arm but Castiel moved away from his touch quickly. This was worse than he thought it would be. “We're not going to be over will we?”

       “What do you mean?”

       “You haven't been talking to me lately.”

       “I'm busy.” Castiel had turned to face him but had taken an interest in the floor refusing to look up at his face. “I take my future seriously.”

       “That's not it. I know you, Cas.” Dean told him hoping that this would open some dialogue. He didn't even know what he was going to say or how he should say it. He was too frightened to even utter a word about how he felt but he couldn't just let this go on like this. “You just don't want to talk to me.”

       “Dean. You have a lot to worry about.” Castiel told him and it was true. The baby, Lisa, school, college and Castiel were all weighing on his mind. “Just take some time and sort yourself out. I'm doing the same. I just need time.”

       “Alright. Time.” That's right. He just realized his feelings not too long ago and Castiel would never accept the mess that he was now. He had to sort himself out first. He had to find out if the baby was his and maybe figure out how he and Lisa were going to work out as parents. He couldn't be with her now but he wouldn't abandon his child. He did have a lot to sort out. Castiel was right; he needed time. “I can handle that.”

       Lisa had her baby in the beginning of April. A baby boy that they named Benjamin. Dean's father pressured Dean to get a paternity test and Dean agreed. As much as it made Lisa angry, he asked about the paternity test and if she would be fine with it. It took some convincing, but she allowed it. Weeks went by and she fought against the idea. She thought that Dean didn't trust her or would abandon her if the results came back that he wasn't the father. Dean had to assure her he wouldn't but part of him wished he hadn't. The test took days to come back and Dean worried the entire time. When it came back, Dean didn't know whether to sigh in relief or regret.

       The baby wasn't his.

* * *

 

       Castiel had done his best to avoid Dean. No matter what, he didn't want to see him at all. It hurt too much to look at him. Dean had been persistent lately, he kept trying to talk to Castiel and tried to get him to come over after school. Castiel always refused and tried to leave the area as quick as possible. Lisa had her baby and Dean should focus on that and not Castiel. There was no reason for him to bother with him anymore.

        Rumors spread around school and it wasn't long before Castiel heard that Lisa's baby might not be Dean's. He knew that was probably what Dean wanted to talk to him about. Probably worried he wouldn't be able to hold on to Lisa now that they knew Mark was the father. However, he kept thinking back to what Dean had said prior. Even if the baby wasn't his, he'd stay by her side regardless.

       It was a sunny and warm day on their graduation. It was different from how Castiel felt walking across that stage and giving his speech. He was valedictorian and was supposed to give them some encouraging words as they went into the next chapter of their lives. However, he was leaving with a heavy heart and so much regret. He didn't dare look over towards Dean as he spoke about hope and wonderful things that may occur. He didn't believe a word of it. There was no glorious future for him.

        “Vick, you'll call me as soon as you get to Virginia?” He heard Dean say as he walked across the sea of graduates to find his family. They all had came taking way too many pictures and some even cheered for him. Gabriel was the loudest of them all but Michael was a close second. It was humiliating.

        “I don't know, Dean.” Victor chuckled. Castiel could see past him his family stood eager to get more pictures. He would have to pass through Dean and the others to get to them. “Long distance.”

       “Don't be like that, brother.” Benny slapped his hand on Victor's shoulder. “We'll all keep in touch. No matter where we are.”

        It was now or never. He just didn't have to look at him. All he had to do was focus on getting to his family. Quickly, he brushed passed them without a word or a look towards Dean. Victor was about to say something and he could hear Dean's breath getting caught in his throat but no words were uttered. The only one who could speak was Benny.

        “I'm sorry, brother.” He heard him say before hearing footsteps behind him. “Cas.”

        “Benny, I need to get home.” Castiel told him trying to reach his family before Benny could stop him but his arm was grabbed roughly and he was turned around.

        “That was one mighty cold shoulder you gave Dean.” He told him looking a little upset. “Damn near froze me to death.”

        “Benny, you know why I must do this.”

       “There is something you should know.” Benny told him and Castiel sighed. What should he know? “Dean, he got the-”

        “Just stop.” He already knew where this was going and he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to know about anything pertaining Lisa and her baby. “I don't want to hear anything about Dean.”

        “But Cas, this is important.” Benny insisted but Castiel knew what he wanted to say. “If you won't listen you may be missing out.”

       “It doesn't matter.” He was no fool. He knew the baby was probably not Dean's but what did that matter? Dean had already said he would stay by her side regardless. “Whatever it is won't change a thing.”

       “You sure about that?”

       “Dean will only ever love women.” Castiel told him looking down at the ground. “I know it. You know it. If it wasn't Lisa, then it would have been some other woman.”

        “But, brother.” Benny seemed at a loss. His shoulders slumped and he looked down defeated. “You can't not hear me out. Or maybe get him to tell you.”

        “I'm done, Benny.” Castiel shook his head. He had to break away cleanly and he didn't want to think about his old friend anymore. “I need to move on. Please, I can't take this anymore.”

       “Good luck in Notre Dame.” Benny finally said quietly as if he didn't want to say it at all. “I'm going to miss you.”

       “Good luck on whatever major you choose.”

       “Still wondering. Dean suggested psychology.”

       “You might do well there.” Castiel always thought Benny had a knack for reading people. He was also good at giving advice, even if he didn't always take it.

       “Nah, I'm not the shrink type. I'm no good at keeping relationships together.” Benny looked sadder than before. Something was eating at him but Castiel decided not to ask. “Write me alright?”

        Benny was a good man but Castiel couldn't face Dean anymore. He left with his family after a few pictures and went immediately to packing. Bartholomew knew a guy at applications that put Castiel's first in line. It was wonderful because Notre Dame really was a good school. He was going to be successful in life and everything was going to be fine. So, why did his heart feel so heavy?

        There was a knock on his bedroom door. He expected to see Gabriel coming to help him pack like he promised. They had so much packing to do since Castiel was going to have his own studio apartment there. His mother insisted that he didn't try to stay at a dorm. Strangers could be dangerous and there were always weird people you ended up with. He trusted his mom's judgment and decided to live on his own. His parents, of course, would pay for the bills.

        He opened the door ready to greet his brother and give him his tasks but who he saw wasn't Gabriel. In fact, it wasn't anyone related to him at all. Instead, standing taller than he had before was Sam looking very nervous. What was Sam doing here? Did Dean send him? No, he wouldn't have done that would he have?

       “Hey, Cas.”

        “Sam.” Castiel couldn't believe the boy was standing before him alone. Looking around the hall, he didn't see any trace of Dean. “Is there something you need?”

        “Dean said you are going out of state”

        “That's correct.”

        “I'll miss you.”

        “I'll miss you too, Sam.”

           Did the boy really come to tell him he will miss him? That was kind of him to come all this way but Castiel couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Also, if that was all Sam wanted to say why was he still awkwardly standing in the doorway? Sam looked like he was having a mental battle and wanted to say more but Castiel didn't know what the boy wanted to say. So, he moved back allowing the young teen to enter the room quietly. As if entering the room gave him strength, Sam blurted out what he was thinking.

         “I really like you, Cas.” He told him quickly. Gulping, he continued.“I, um, I think I love you.”

         “Sam.”

        “I know I'm 13 but I can grow.” Sam explained and opened his arms to show that he had indeed grown quite a bit in the last few months. He was almost to Castiel's chin now and by the look of things, he'd only get taller. “I can become a man that would be worthy of you.”

        “Sam, you're young.” Castiel sighed. He didn't want to hurt the boy but he really didn't feel anything towards him. “Maybe you're confused.”

        “No!” Sam looked upset that Castiel would even think that. He was much smarter than other kids his age, he wasn't confused. “I may be young but I know how I feel.”

        “I'm sorry, Sam.” Castiel looked down at his feet. “I only saw you as a brother.”

        “Maybe if we just-”

         “No, Sam.” He couldn't leave any room for hope. He didn't want Sam to be stuck on him the same way he was stuck on Dean. He wanted him to grow and be happy. “I can't. I love someone else.”

        “I can't have a chance?” Sam sounded completely broken. Perhaps his admiration was much deeper than Castiel had imagined.

        “I'm sorry.”

        “Hey, Cas.” Anna's voice rang in the hallway. He had left his door open so of course, his sisters would come to greet him. “We're here for laundry. Hey, why's the whippersnapper crying like that?”

       Sam was crying. No, he was downright sobbing. Castiel felt horrible. He had never met to hurt him like that. He just didn't feel the same way he did. Tears were streaming down the boy's face and even Anna looked like she was getting affected by it. Hannah looked in as well and was shocked to see the child crying so much. He had to explain himself. It looked bad from where the twin sisters were standing.

        “He confessed his love to me and I-”

        Sam pushed through the college girls and ran down the hall before Castiel could even finish. Both girls looked shocked but Anna looked very sad. She sympathized with the poor boy but her twin could care less. Hannah always had a problem when it came to understanding how others felt.

        “Broke his heart.” Hannah finished for him. “Poor whippersnapper. You took away his first love.”

        “Hannah.” Anna looked very embarrassed by what her sister was saying.

       “Anna, you get these to Loraine.” Hannah dropped her clothes bag into Anna's hamper. Struggling to hold it all, Anna looked at her confused. “I'm on whippersnapper duty.”

        “What do you plan on doing, Hannah?” Castiel questioned. Hannah wasn't the most sensitive of people. He feared she'd make it worse.

         “Ice cream.” She told him with a shrug. “That gets all the kids.”

         “Better you than me.” Anna sighed and tried pulling up the clothes in her arms so they wouldn't fall. “I can't stand it when people cry because then I cry.”

        “That's the problem, Anna.” Hannah patted her back and gestured for Castiel to help her hold their clothes. “You got all the emotions. I got all the logic. It's better if I handle it or you'll cry buckets.”

         “Thank you, Hannah.” Castiel grabbed the bag from Anna and smiled at his other sister. “That's surprisingly caring of you.”

         “Hey, Whippersnapper.” Hannah called out as she hurried down the hall after him. It would take some time because Sam was a fast runner. For all they knew, he probably already ran down the street.

         Hannah will later report that Sam had cried his eyes out over triple chocolate ice cream. She would explain how the poor child thought his life was over and that he would never love again. His parents came to pick him up after Hannah gave them a call. It was getting dark and Sam should be getting home. His parents heard what happened and from what people said, Sam cried the whole way home. Castiel never meant to break his heart but he was young and he knew he would heal.

           Castiel packed up for Notre Dame and left one morning without a word to Dean. It wasn't surprising that he left so suddenly and it wasn't like Dean didn't know about when he would leave. He knew through Gabriel what flight he was going on and what time but it didn't matter. If this was a tale from one of those romantic life time movies his mother might watch, he would have raced to the airport and left with Castiel in his arms. However, that wasn't how things went. He didn't drive to the airport to stop him. He didn't chase him down and tell him everything that he felt in his heart because this wasn't a romance movie. Dean wasn't going to be able to have his feelings reciprocated just because he tried to stop him from leaving. He wouldn't be able to stop him from leaving anyway because this was real life. Real life was riddled with mistakes, unspoken words and regrets. He didn't even try to leave that morning. Instead, he spent it alone in his room. He made sure to lock the door and keep quiet so no one knew he was crying.

 

         Sometimes we look back at our youth and realize how stupid we were. We think of all the things we could have done or said. We think about how simple problems were when we look back. Answers were not clear to us then but hindsight is always 20/20. We regret so much but there is no way to change the past.

 

         We can only look forward to the future.

 

(Memories which is why they are in black and white. See my bad photo shop abilities lol)

[From 1st to last: Holding hands by the shack, Castiel's Bday present, the fair, just a pic to show what they looked like in high school and Hannah comforting Sam]

 

      


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: I will Remember You by Sarah Mclachlan (1997)

         The trip to Notre Dame, Indiana was long and agonizing. Castiel sat in his seat saddened by the fact he would be away from his family and friends. Benny must be feeling just as lonely on his flight to Louisiana. He kept thinking about how Dean was doing. Was Dean happy with Lisa right now or did he realize what he had lost? Was Dean going to be alright? Did he even know he left?

        This wasn't the time to think about Dean. This was the start of his new life and that didn't include his old friend. He had to move on and not think about him so much. He pulled out the pamphlet to Notre Dame. He would try and like this school. He was going to do everything in his power to distract himself from what he left behind in Lawrence.

        When he got to his plane's destination, Bartholomew welcomed him with open arms and drove him the rest of the way. His brother was excited and talked a lot about how proud he was of him. Castiel didn't feel very proud of himself; he felt like he had made some sort of mistake. It was like he had left something behind and there was no way to return to get it back. He was given a tour around the area and a promise that when his boxes came in, he'd drive back up and help him unpack. Castiel wasn't even sure what to do with his empty apartment. He and Bartholomew had bought some groceries and there was some furniture but there was nothing there. All Castiel had was a luggage full of clothes and a heavy heart.

       There was a knock on his door, that first day. Of course, people saw him move in and wanted to greet him; it was the neighborly thing to do. He opened the door to reveal a beautiful woman with long dark hair. She smiled in a strange way but it wasn't unkind. There was a sort of suggestiveness to it.

        “Hey, I'm Meg.” She greeted in a smooth tone. “And you are gorgeous.”

        “Uh. Thanks.” Castiel didn't know how to properly respond to her compliment. None of the girls back at home were ever that forward. They may have told him his eyes were really blue but no one straight up told him he was gorgeous. “I'm Castiel.”

        “That's a strange name.” The woman nodded as if asking Castiel to agree. Castiel didn't think his name was odd; he had always assumed it was a strong name. His mother loved naming them all after angels and there was nothing strange about an angel; they were beautiful and pure creatures, who wouldn't want to be named after them?

        “It's the name of an angel.” He informed her and she began to have a pensive look upon her face.

        “I'll just call you Clarence then.” She said after some thought.

        “What?” Clarence? What did Clarence have to do with his name? Sure, they both started with a C but Castiel didn't sound a thing like Clarence.“Why?”

        “You really don't know why?” She looked completely baffled. It was as if she couldn't see how anyone couldn't understand why she had chosen that nickname for him. She never explained it to him. Instead, she just shook her head with a chuckle and told him if he ever needed anything, she was just down the hall.

         Castiel wasn't sure if he needed anything from Meg. He did yearn for some things but they were nothing the lady down the hall could provide. He felt lonely and completely detached from the world he had come to understand. Things were different there; there were no friends, family or any familiar faces around here. There was no one to laugh at his serious statements or explain things to him. He wasn't going over anyone's house later to play video games and he wasn't going to get a call later that night just to chat.

         Meg visited often and would explain how things happened around there. She wasn't really going to Notre Dame. She said places like that wasn't exactly her speed. She went to a community college nearby in South Bend. She wanted to become a nurse one day; it was an admirable ambition. Actually, Meg was an admirable person.

         Her father wasn't the best of people and was in and out of jail. Her mother had left her at a young age and instead of being tossed into a foster home, Meg ran. She lived her life out on the streets and though it sounded sad, Meg mentioned it could have been worse. She let no one take advantage of her and she was able to take care of herself. She was put into juvenile detention just a year and a half into her free life, and placed into foster care. Meg never said why she was arrested.

         Her foster family didn't really care as much for Meg as they did the money they got for watching her. Meg realized that if she was going to live a normal and happy life, she was going to have to throw away her past and get it on her own. She couldn't rely on anyone to help her and going back to a life of crime wasn't going to help. Acting up in school wouldn't further her goals either. It was up to her to work towards it no one was going to take pity on her. Her future was hers to make and nothing in the past was going to stop her. She did better in school even though she got into fights. She couldn't help it; she had so much anger inside. She was young and angry but the school nurse always encouraged her to do right, telling her there was more than just an angry teen. She told her being angry was no path to happiness. When she had hurt all those in the world, would she be satisfied? No. No happiness would come from acting up or hurting others. You still feel empty and therefore keep hurting others in hopes that one day you feel better. But Meg never felt better because it was never the path to happiness. The nurse always encouraged her to look more into herself, keep a diary and highlight things that make her happy. Really think about how she wanted to be in the future. That's when she knew, she wanted to be just like that woman; she wanted to be a nurse and encourage other lost teens to find something else to focus on other than their anger; find their happiness. She hadn't found it yet but seemed very optimistic about the situation and Castiel was just amazed by how strong and admirable she was.

         She cared about others, though she did not show it well. She would help others with excuses like she had extra food or she didn't need a jacket because she felt hot. Dean would do that. The kinder she was to Castiel, the more he thought about Dean. Dean was, also, admirable. He was family oriented always willing to help out his parents and little brother. He loved helping people though he would never admit to all the wonderful things he had done for others. Castiel loved that side of him. It was a side he rarely showed others and Castiel was honored to be one of the few that knew how big Dean's heart really was.

          He got a call on his cellphone later that third night. His boxes were scheduled to arrive in the morning and he knew Bartholomew would be back to help him unpack. Meg had mentioned that she had little to do that day and would help him unpack as well. Even though either one of them could have been calling him, he had hoped it was someone else on that line. He was hoping for a night of talking with someone he should have been focusing on forgetting, but he couldn't. He just needed Dean to call him just once. Castiel was sure if it was Dean on the other line, he may have dropped everything. If Dean told him to come back, Castiel may have boarded the next plane and forgotten all about Notre Dame. It was so lonely there and Castiel never imagined how much he wouldn't fit in. He never imagined there would be a different culture around these parts. He wasn't adjusting well. However, it wasn't Dean on the phone when he picked up; it was Benny.

         “You settled down well?” Was the first thing he asked and Castiel wanted to say he hadn't. He wanted to tell Benny that he was miserable and lonely there but he held his tongue.

         “Yes. My brother, Bartholomew would be here shortly to help me get everything ready.” He told him easily. “Then we're going to go out to eat.”

          It had only been a few days, perhaps he jut needed time. _Time._ He told Dean he needed time to sort himself too. He told him that their distance was for the best. Dean wouldn't call him now; not when he thought he was giving Castiel time. Castiel would call him if this whole thing wasn't about forgetting him; if he was braver.

        “Sound's exciting.” Benny sounded convinced. Perhaps it was because no he couldn't see Castiel's expression. He couldn't see the smile not reaching his eyes. “Look, brother. Can you call me later? Gran needs help in the diner.”

         “Benny, you need to get a computer.” This was ridiculous. Benny had called him and their conversation had lasted a whole five minutes at the most. Castiel asked a bit about the diner first and then Benny asked about him. That was hardly a conversation. “It's cheaper if we email each other.”

         “What? Brother, I have no money for AOL.”

         “But you have money to call?” Castiel was roaming and it was going to cost him a bit but Benny was calling long distance and with his income, it would cost him a lot.

        “Point taken.” Benny chuckled on the other end and it was relieving to hear a familiar sound like that. Castiel could feel himself missing the days they would see each other in school. Missing hearing how Victor wanted to get some pizza later or wanted to hang out by the arcade. He missed Benny chuckling after beating Dean, yet again, with that racing game while Dean ranted about faulty controls and how real driving was different. He missed everyone; he missed Lawrence. “We'll see what the future holds, Cas. I did tell you to write me.”

         “Alright. I'll write you.” Castiel told him reluctantly. He had said he would write but letters came in so slowly and Castiel wasn't sure he could wait that long. He wanted to talk to his friends now. He wanted to see them again. “Meg calls it snail mail though.”

         “Meg?” Benny was curious now. He had that kind of tone whenever he thought there was more to the story. “Who's she?”

         “A woman down the hall. I'm not sure who she is,” Castiel felt himself blushing. “But I'd love to find out.”

        He didn't know why he had mentioned Meg. Perhaps it was because he wanted to prove he was moving on. He wanted it to seem like he had someone in mind but he really didn't. Meg was nice and all but he barely knew her. The more he got to know her, the more he thought about what he left behind. He wasn't sure any of this was going to work out but before he could say any of that, Benny started talking all rushed and like he had to get off quickly.

        “Good luck but really write to me. Diner and all. Busy. Bye.”

         The only other person he would talk to before his boxes arrived that morning, was Michael. It was customary that Michael checked up on the family every week. Castiel remembered how much his mother waited for that phone call and how much Lucifer would hate it. However, that week, Michael called Castiel's cellphone instead.

         The same updates were shared between the brothers and Michael told him if he ever needed to call him, to call Natalie. Natalie was Michael's secretary. She was an older woman with a husband and three children. She usually mothered Michael at work and looked after him. Their mother couldn't have been more grateful. Natalie made sure Michael wasn't bullied or bothered unnecessarily at work. Castiel heard his mother mention that a lot but couldn't understand why his brother would be bothered or bullied. Michael was one of the higher ups and every day made it look like he would be promoted. He was smart, creative and a hard worker. There had been nothing but great news from him so why would anyone want to bother such a good employee?

          They didn't talk long, Michael was very busy nowadays, but hearing from him did help Castiel not feel so lonely. Perhaps when Bartholomew came back, he would feel less lonely. He had never been so far from home and he was hoping he wouldn't have to be long. Maybe he could get by with just a bachelors in accounting and get his masters back in Lawrence. Maybe. Castiel was sure he would have forgotten about his feelings for Dean then. He would be fine. He was sure he would be.

          When Bartholomew came, there were boxes piled up in the hallway. Meg even whistled at the sight of them and told him that he had more things than she would expect for a boy. Castiel wasn't sure what that meant. He just needed his suits for college and he couldn't wear the same shoes with each one. His mother always told him he had to look the part when it came to chasing his dreams.

          As they were unpacking the boxes, Castiel realized Gabriel and Lucifer had packed more than just his clothing, shoes and books. In one of the boxes, he found a stuffed blue bunny. The same bunny Sam had got him at the fair a few years ago. He wondered how Sam was holding up, if he ever got over him or if he was still hurt. Castiel didn't want their last memories together to be unhappy but he just couldn't accept the boy's affections. He held the bunny close and sighed. He missed Sam just as he said he would. He missed everything about Dean's home; his family, the smell of cinnamon in the house and most importantly, Dean.

          “Strange trench coat.” Meg said as she pulled out a familiar past birthday gift. Dean had worked so hard to get him that and he had loved wearing it all the way to the time they changed his style. He would have continued to wear it as well if they hadn't made him swap it for hoodies.“Looks a bit worn.”

            “Its seen a lot of love.” Castiel smiled fondly at the worn brown cloth. Everyday he had worn it and it went through a lot of different weather and different times it was washed. It had only been worn for a year and a half but it was still a bit worn from how often he wore it. It wasn't too bad and it could still be worn without people thinking it was old or tattered. It just needed a good dry cleaning and it would be as good as new. “Its my favorite.”

         He wasn't going to wear it any time soon but he placed it into his closet lovingly. He would wear it again when the thought of Dean didn't invade his head every time he looked at. Perhaps, he would wait until he had forgotten about the pain he felt those last few days. Maybe then he would wear it to prove that he was over him. Prove that he no longer felt the pain he felt when Dean chose Lisa ultimately.

           After unpacking, the apartment seemed smaller but no less lonely. Castiel set the blue bunny on his desk looking down on him as he organized it. He would use the bunny as a sort of good luck charm. Sam had worked so hard to get him that bunny and it was through that hard work that he had gotten it. Sure, he hadn't won it but it was still his hard work that made the man operating the stall take pity on him. Maybe it can remind him about how hard he should work and relieve him of some of this loneliness.

            A call came in just after his first day of classes. Everything seemed alright but he didn't seem to be able to make any friends in his classrooms. No one had initiated talking to him. Castiel was a bit shy and awkward and he knew speaking with people was not his forte. He had been hoping that someone would speak to him first and they would somehow become friends. This wasn't at all like he had hoped; no one talked to him. It was a lonely experience.

          So when the call came in later that day, Castiel was overjoyed. He quickly answered the phone but found that it wasn't any of his friends. Meg wasn't going to be back from work until later and Bartholomew was already back at his home. Benny hadn't called for a while and Castiel supposed he could expect a letter some time soon. Who he had truly hoped for hadn't called at all.

         “Castiel.” A familiar voice started without out a greeting or anything else. She sounded frantic and almost frightened.

         “Mother?” Castiel was confused. Why was she calling sounding like that? “What's wrong?”

         “Did Lucifer contact you?”

         “No, he hasn't.” Castiel was far from home and though Lucifer was his brother, he wasn't expecting a call from him at all. He just wasn't that type of person. “Why?”

         “He's missing, sweetie.” Missing? What did she mean he was missing? Lucifer doesn't have anywhere to go. He didn't even have a job! “I came down stairs just to tidy up a bit. You know how he hates maids in his living quarters. Honey. He was gone. All his clothes, everything. His scent in his room is fading. Where did he go?”

         “I don't know.” Castiel was worried. His older brother was missing and no one knew where he was at the moment. Should they call someone? No, it took a while before one could file a missing person's report. Knowing how rebellious Lucifer was, would the officers even take it seriously?

         “What if he's hurt?”

         “Mother.” Castiel tried calming her down by staying calm himself. “Lucifer isn't a child. I'm sure he left with a plan in mind. We'll hear from him soon.”

         That's what he assured her and that's what she believed when she was getting off the phone with him but that wasn't at all what Castiel believed. He had no idea what Lucifer would do; he was never the most responsible of brothers. He had no idea what to do, so he called someone who did; Michael.

         “I'm sorry, Castiel.” Natalie told him once he asked to speak with his brother. “Mr. Novak isn't allowing anyone in his office and he's not taking any calls at the moment.”

         “What's going on?” First Lucifer and now Michael had a problem? They were his oldest brothers, what could be happening?

          “I wish I knew but I've never seen Mr. Novak so distressed before.”

           “Distressed?” Castiel assumed his mother must have called Michael earlier about Lucifer's disappearance. Of course, Michael would be worried; he always cared about family.

           “You didn't hear it from me but-” Natalie's voice became low, almost a whisper. “Lauren, Mr. Lee's secretary, walked in and he was throwing everything on the floor.”

           “Why?” Castiel didn't understand. It was one thing to worry about Lucifer's disappearance but to destroy your office? There had to be something more.

          “We don't know.” Natalie continued sounding just as worried as Castiel felt. “We're too afraid to ask. At the moment, all I can say is he's not accepting calls and we aren't going to bother him. Being so close to becoming the next CEO is stressful. There is a lot of responsibilities thrown on him, maybe he can't handle it. I'm sure he'll be fine.”

          Michael had a lot on his shoulders and always took more and more upon him. Of course, he would probably be over stressed because of work and Lucifer disappearing. He would call back later to check and see if he was alright. He would be, of course. They all will be. Castiel was sure of it.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: Believe by Cher (1998)

        That first year was a blur for Castiel. He studied his hardest and he focused only on school work. He even stayed away from home during the holidays because he feared the want to stay there would be too strong. He was afraid that the moment he was welcomed in his mother's arms, he wouldn't want to leave. Also, he was afraid to see Dean again.

        His family wasn't very understanding about that, though. Gabriel yelled at him about his issues with Dean and even the twins said he was being cruel to their mother. Castiel knew their mother missed them all dearly and family meetings and holidays were never missed by anyone. Also, since Lucifer was now missing, their mother was desperate to see them all. Even though Inias and Samandriel hadn't left yet, it was only a matter of time before they were fully graduated and off to college. She was becoming lonely and worried more. These holidays were to let her forget her loneliness and worry over Lucifer. It was mainly for her well being and possibly to see their father, who never showed his face otherwise. Castiel refusing was something unheard of in their family and of course, his siblings reacted negatively to it. To make things even worse, Michael, who always favored him, told him he was disappointed in him.

        But Castiel hid behind his studies and continued to the next year without event. Meg tried dragging him to parties and he went along with some of her antics. He dealt too many times with men trying to take advantage of Meg and her friends. Parties always ended up with him taking said girls home while they laughed drunkenly all the way back. Castiel still hadn't gotten his last suit back from the dry cleaners after one girl had puked all over it.

        Meg had interesting friends and a more interesting life. She was serious about nursing but couldn't seem to forget her past habits of taking risks. She allowed herself to become inebriated at these parties and many times Castiel had to argue with men when they tried to coax her somewhere with them. He may not understand people as well as others and may be a little clueless at times, but he knew their intentions were not pure.

        It was halfway through his second year, he and Meg began to date. He took a job at the library and she was very supportive. By his third year, she suggested moving in with him. However, Castiel wanted to take everything slow. Meg said she was alright with it but when it came to them moving in together, she became more frustrated. Castiel wasn't as exciting as she had hoped and they never did anything intimate other than kissing and holding hands. Castiel had tried once but Dean suddenly invaded his mind and he put a stop to it. It was the last straw. Meg told him that he must not love her and that perhaps it was best to remain friends.

       As friends, things were perfect. Meg got a boyfriend that could do all the things he couldn't. He was romantic to her and reminded Castiel of Ephraim. If Ephraim cheated of course. Meg was furious and dumped him but they were soon back together. It was sort of like how Lisa and Dean kept going on and off. Castiel didn't want to see his friend suffer but if Meg was anything like Dean, she'd never leave him. He wondered how those two were doing. Did Lisa and Dean already marry? Were they happy?

       He still felt sad whenever he thought about it and studying didn't keep his mind off of him much. He showed up to a family gathering in fear he would bump into Dean but he never did. Dean was no where to be found and Castiel had to resist the urge to seek him out. No, he had to let this die. He had to move on. It had been years and yet, he still couldn't get him out of his head.

       Samandriel still talked to Sam and told Castiel that Sam was now dating a girl name Ruby. It was good that he had moved on but Castiel wondered if Ruby was one of his classmates back in school. Did Sam have a thing for older individuals? It wasn't important. What was important was that Sam was doing alright after all this time. He wondered if Dean was doing okay. The last he heard was from his mother saying that Dean had moved out of his home and was going to the University of Kansas. There was no talk of him getting married or about the child but Castiel never asked about it. His family didn't mention Dean much, perhaps they knew or perhaps they just had more things to talk about.

       During his last year before gaining his bachelors, he took a job at a gas station. Meg visited frequently with her boyfriend, who made no effort to hide his wandering eye. Castiel hated him but he could never tell Meg that. She was happy with the horrible man no matter what he did; it only made him hate the guy even more.

       It was during one of their visits that a group of women came in. All of them had Meg's boyfriend's attention, of course, but one had Castiel's. She was kind looking woman, who he noticed gave a sandwich to a homeless person earlier. She had long, light auburn hair and these lovely eyes like the sea. Her skin was as pale as milk and her smile was bright and genuine.

       “My name is April.” She introduced herself first making Castiel very flustered. He hoped she didn't notice him staring at her that would be embarrassing. Meg watched amused as she leaned against the counter to watch them interact. Her boyfriend, however, had walked off somewhere. _Probably to chase one of the other girls._ Castiel remembered thinking bitterly.

       “Castiel.” He responded hoping that April didn't see the dirty look he shot at the door.

       “Your tag says Steve.” She said with amusement clear in her voice. It was then his manager, Nora, came in with some more coffee lids.

       “I haven't been able to get him his own tag.” She explained as she walked passed them quickly. Only Meg knew about the small crush Castiel had on her and only she knew that he misunderstood her invitation to watch her newborn as an invitation to a date. Meg helped him out since she was a nurse and all and knew the fever wasn't something to worry about. Castiel was embarrassed that he mistook her invitation as something more than just a babysitting job. Thankfully, Meg told no one and he was able to work as if nothing had happened. He even watched the baby a few times after wards and would like to say she liked him.

       April watched Nora leave and shot Meg an odd look before sliding a piece of paper over to him. Castiel smiled at her as she walked away only picking up the paper after she left. It was a number. April was interested in him too. Perhaps, she was the one he was waiting for.

       “Clarence, you better watch out.” Meg slid over to him with a suspicious look at the piece of paper. “She'll eat you alive.”

       “And you won't?” Castiel glanced at Meg.

      “Point taken.” She slapped the counter. “I would love to eat you alive.”

      “April seems nice.”

       He called her later that day and she seemed surprised that he called. Apparently, she thought Meg and him were dating. He, of course, clarified that he was single and never thought about why she would hand a man her number if she thought he was taken. Instead, he arranged to meet her and go somewhere nice for their first date.

       It was their first date. It wasn't like they knew each other for a long time so why did she take him to her home? Why did she insist he stay a little longer? Why did she start kissing him with urgency? Castiel wanted to stop her and tell her to take it slow as he did with Meg. He did but he found himself wondering why. Why did he have to stop her? He wasn't saving himself for any reason. Why should he hold himself back? Because of Dean? He hadn't seen Dean in years so why should he let him continue to hold him back?

       He made a mistake. A big mistake.

      He didn't know how it happened or why but April wasn't the girl he thought she was. She was different and obsessive. She kept going on about how he was hers and belonged to no one else. She freaked out about him speaking to Meg and told him he had to move. She told him to stay with her and that he couldn't see his friends; none of them. He couldn't even talk to Michael anymore. Living with her was suffocating and every night, she wanted to be intimate. Castiel thought the experience was fine and he thought the activity was pleasurable but he was at a loss of at how desperate she was for it. Even the mornings, she would just take what she wanted.

       She kept accusing him of loving another and seeing someone on the side. He didn't know why she thought that, but she kept telling him she could see it in his eyes. She tried to stop him from going to class and if Castiel argued with her, she broke into tears. How someone could change so quickly was beyond him but trying to escape her was another thing all together.

        They were only going out for a week and a half when it happened.

       He woke up in the hospital a little confused about what occurred. He remembered arguing with her after he had left her home. He didn't want to stay there and he hated the few days he was there. She was nothing like he had thought her to be and she needed to stay away from him. She wasn't taking no for an answer. He remembered her grabbing a knife, he remembered Meg yelling about calling the cops and he remembered she was going to stab Meg and he couldn't let that happen.

       “You're a right fool.” There was a voice he hadn't heard in years. It was a bit deeper than before but he still recognized it. There was someone he had never expected to be waiting next to his bedside anxiously. Peering over, he saw Benny looking very disappointed. He was different now. His hair was a bit more fuller than that fuzz he use to have. It was still very short but it wasn't a military cut anymore. He even had a beard now that suited him much better than his clean shaven face. He looked like a man now. Gone was his boyish looks and lighter sounding voice.

       “Benny, what are you doing here?” Castiel was confused. He was expecting anyone but him.

        “Your girl, Meg, emailed me.” Benny informed him with a sigh. Castiel looked at the clock, it was mid afternoon. No, April came that night. It was another day. How long had Benny been waiting by his side? When did he get the email? Did he drive from Louisiana? “Brother, what the hell were you thinking?”

       “April was a nice girl.” Or so he had thought.

      “She was a psycho.” Benny almost yelled in frustration. His voice got quite and a little unsteady as he spoke the next thing. “I thought you were going to die.”

       “You didn't tell-”

       “No, he doesn't even know we still talk.” Benny was a true friend to Castiel. He knew he didn't want Dean to know where exactly he was or how to contact him. He may not agree with it but he never told Dean a thing. Even now, when Castiel could have ended up dead, he kept his promise. He must feel awful and he did look unhappy about it but he kept his promise. “Hell, Vick doesn't even know about this but he probably should. Criminal justice major and all.”

       “I doubt this needs him involved.” Castiel hated the sound of his voice right now. It was so deep and grainy from disuse. He already had a deep, gravely voice. He didn't need to make it even worse. He needed water.“You drove all the way here?”

       “My friend could be dying and you expected me to stay put?” It was at that moment that Castiel realized that he loved Benny. He didn't love him romantically, though he wished he did, but he loved him as much as one could in a platonic sense. Benny was there for him when no one else was. He stood by him year after year exchanging letters, phone calls and emails. Castiel was overwhelmed by Benny's kindness and loyalty.

       “What about college?”

       “Dropped out a few days ago.” Dropped out? But he was so close to getting his degree. “I just work at the diner now. I'm going to inherit it after Gran.” Castiel frowned. Benny was worth much more than just a diner. “Don't make that face, it's a good living.”

       “I'm happy you found something, Benny.” Castiel eventually responded. If it made Benny happy, he would accept this. Not everyone needed to have some big professional job to be happy. Some people were happy with just a small diner in Louisiana.

       He didn't do a lot of dating after April. In fact, Castiel didn't do any dating even though Meg assured him there were good girls out there. He knew there were but he wasn't going to be dating any of them any time soon. He didn't need to find another April.

      So, he went back to focusing on his studies and visiting his family on holidays. His family stopped mentioning the Winchesters altogether. Samandriel and Sam lost contact when Sam left to go to Stanford and his mother knew not to talk about Dean anymore. They all knew. So, even if they had updates, he never knew of them. He finished his masters and was ready to face the real world. Luckily, there was a business willing to hire him in Topeka; his brother's company. He was back in Kansas and ready to live his life.

       “Castiel.” Michael smiled the moment Castiel was ushered into his office. This was supposed to be an interview and HR was supposed to be around conducting it. However, Michael was one of the higher ups and didn't seem to mind pulling strings to be the one to interview his little brother.

       “Michael.”

       “I'm glad you thought of us. We are much closer to home than the others who wanted to hire you.”

       “I've heard nothing but good things about Sandover.” Castiel admitted. It is one of the better places to work at but did he really need this sort of favoritism? Castiel worried that if Michael was promoted to an even higher position that there may be gossip about how he was hired. He may be under a lot of pressure because of his brother. He wished he had a normal interview like everyone else. “Michael, is it true you may be the next CEO?”

        “Castiel.” Michael sighed and suddenly looked very tired. Was he asked this question a lot? “I am but one of the candidates. The board will ultimately decide who gets to be chosen. I have given Sandover a lot of care and hard work but that doesn't guarantee the company would be given to me. Castiel, you are going to hear somethings about me that may or may not be true. It is a competitive world we live in and people will do anything to see you torn down. Please, try not to pay too much attention to rumors.”

         “Of course.” Castiel felt uneasy. Rumors? Who would ever say unkind things about his brother? He remembered the time when Lucifer first went missing and how the secretary said Michael was under a lot of stress. Could this be what she was referring to?

          “I'm not hiring you because you are my brother.” Michael explained but Castiel wasn't completely convinced. “I'm hiring you because I know you will do the accounting department proud. I know you will climb up on your own merit and there is no need for any assistance. If anyone tells you otherwise, don't listen to them. You were hired because I believe in you.”

         “I won't let you down, brother.” Castiel would prove that he is an asset to this company. He would prove to everyone in his department that he did deserve this job no matter what. It wasn't just for him but for his brother as well. He won't let their harmful rumors spread ideas of foolish favoritism. He would prove to everyone that he was the best candidate for the job; even if he didn't believe it himself.

         He was good at his job at least. His department head praised him regularly and his coworkers even said he was efficient but he couldn't help but over hear their words in the break room. Some were saying his brother was good at his job but given his background wouldn't be a good CEO. Others called Michael a new rich who knew nothing about the ways of business. Nothing about the ways of business? Say that to all the accomplishments and deals Michael had made for this company. He was more than prepared to take over. Castiel wanted to yell at them and tell them how great his big brother was but held his tongue. He held it in as he heard horrible remarks about Michael being lucky his dad's books sold or how Michael didn't fit in with the other elites. He heard lies about his brother cheating to get deals made and how his numbers couldn't possibly add up.

         Then came the favoritism comments.

         At first, no one knew who Castiel was. His last name wasn't so rare that people automatically assumed he was related to Michael. There were some whispers but all and all people didn't bother him about it. They saw how good he was with his job and left him alone. Every day, he worked his hardest. Every day, he would forgo everything to make sure not only all his tasks were completed but they were done right.

          Castiel still thought about going back to Lawrence, it was only around half an hour away. Maybe a bit more but it wasn't that far. It had been years since he left and he believed everything had been going right. He had a job now and he had everything he wanted. He was happy or so he tried to be. He worked and worked because that was his life now. It was all that mattered. He failed in love and though he had friends, they were too far away. Time passed and no new CEO was picked to take over when Fergus Crowley inevitably stepped down. Michael was still under a lot of pressure as he had been for years. Every year they thought the CEO would retire but Castiel had spoken to Crowley before and the man was not old enough to retire. So, why did everyone think he was going to step down? Crowley liked Castiel a lot for some reason even though Castiel really didn't like the strange middle aged man. He told him that he expected great things from him and for an odd reason called him “Sparkles.” Despite his weirdness, he was still his boss and Castiel was always polite to him. It paid off; he was promoted to head of his department after just a year of work and that meant even more work to be done. So, he decided to skip his lunch break in favor of working more. It was when he began to do this that people began to notice he was different from them.

         It was Natalie, who showed up at his office with a box lunch. Every day, she came offering him a new lunch and his staff took notice. Whispers became mutters and rumors spread throughout the department and into others. Natalie always brought the lunches so, it only made sense that Michael was sending them. They both had the same last name and, well, it didn't take long before they found out their relation. Nasty comments about Castiel's worth and Michael's began. Castiel didn't mind being whispered about, he could ignore them and focus on his work but Michael didn't deserve anything but praise. That's why he entered his brother's office in a hurry and demanded that he stop sending lunch boxes.

          “But you haven't been eating.” Michael complained childishly. He didn't even understand why he shouldn't be sending him lunch. Didn't he care about becoming the next CEO? Didn't he think about his position at all?

          “How am I supposed to believe I was not given special treatment when you do things like this?” Castiel sighed and shook his head. “How is anyone to believe?”

          “My apologizes.” Michael looked guilty as he should. He sighed and looked down at his lap. “I just want you to take better care of yourself. You can't work through lunch.”

          “I want to do my job right.”

          “You need to nourish yourself in order to be at your best.”

          “I understand.” If it would stop his brother from buying or making him meals, Castiel supposed he could take his lunch break. It bothered him because it would slow down his work. Perhaps he could just bring his lunch to his office. “I will bring my own lunch from now on.”

         Michael seemed satisfied with this answer and there wasn't anything left to say on the matter. He quickly returned to work allowing Castiel to watch him as he looked through different reports and documents. He looked very tired and he could see the dark circles under his eyes. Michael cared a lot about this company and Crowley did take notice of it. If only the board of directors would. Most people assumed Michael would just get the job given his position but he could only get it if the board approved. He heard that none of them really thought Michael deserved a promotion. They were planning another candidate to fill in the position leaving Michael the Vice CEO under him. The rumors were louder than ever and Castiel heard some harsh words from some members of the board. He wasn't looking for it but he had heard them call Michael low class and a poor man trying to be rich. Castiel didn't understand. Their father was a best selling writer; they were always rich.

         “Doesn't it bother you?” Castiel asked before leaving the office. Michael looked up with a questioning look. “What they say?”

        “I know the truth and you do too.” His brother was trying to be strong but Castiel could see it affected him. But no matter what, Michael forced a smile and reassured him that everything was alright even when it wasn't. “That's all that matters. If I get it or not isn't my concern and what they think of me?” Pausing, Michael looked down at his desk as if it would give him all the answers he needed. Castiel felt his heart ache for his brother. He remembered someone telling him if a job didn't make you happy why go for it? In fact, that was Dean. Dean told him that. Even after all these years, he still thought back to him and his words. He was right, though. If this job made Michael suffer, why should he have to endure it any longer? But he kept his mouth shut and Michael soon spoke again. “I just need to work hard and show them what I'm capable of.”

        Michael wasn't the type to abandon what he had started. He would most likely continue down this path and disregard the loneliness or pain he may feel. He was the eldest of all Castiel's siblings and he had no one by his side. Even Naomi spoke of a boyfriend last spring, which was a happy surprise for their mother. Everyone thought she scared every man away with her controlling and high maintenance personality. Apparently, she had someone and they were speaking about getting married. Most of his siblings joked about it all being a lie but Castiel heard she may be bringing him to the next family dinner whenever that was.

        “Tomorrow night.” Michael spoke up before he could exit through the door.“Mother wants us to have a family dinner. Naomi's lover will be there. You will be attending, no?”

         “I'll be there.” He was going back to Lawrence. It wouldn't be the first time and he had long forgotten his fears there. He was no longer afraid of bumping into Dean. He had come to terms with the fact that Dean would always be a sad memory. It wasn't as painful as before, he could easily push the depressing thoughts from his mind, but the sadness was always there. He supposed when wounds healed there would always be scars. But he didn't need to fear anything. He never saw Dean when he came so why would this time be any different?

         He just never anticipated the string of bad luck that would follow him that next day.

        Some times, no matter how hard we try, we can't escape meeting again. But who we are now may not be the same as who we were then. Things have changed and years have made us older. What stays the same are the memories we always cherished. Sometimes, we can't go back to the way we use to be but that isn't always a bad thing. We need to move forward and find new beginnings. What may have been thought as painful memories might end up being the beginning of newer cherished ones.

        And what may have been bad luck might end up being the beginning of a great fortune.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendations: Never Ever- All Saints (1997)

        It started that morning when he forgot his umbrella. The news didn't say there would be much rain and the clouds hadn't looked that ominous in the morning. However, the moment he got out his door to go to work, it was pouring. He got in a traffic jam shortly after with minutes to get to work. He was two minutes late. Two minutes might not seem like much but Castiel had to go above and beyond to prove himself in his job. He had to because of the favoritism rumors. He had to show he was capable and was only hired because of his merit and not blood relations. His favorite pen ran out of ink when he was signing some documents. His backup one had been borrowed by his secretary, so he had to get it back from her. It wasn't a problem but it was highly inconvenient.

        He had thought his bad luck ended there but come lunch time, he realized he had forgotten his lunch and he forgot his wallet too. Castiel groaned. He was going to his family dinner tonight. Naomi was going to bring her fiance and he couldn't let his bad luck ruin that. He became paranoid the rest of the day and worried about anything more happening to him.

        After work, he decided to stop by a pet store. He thought his apartment was short a companion and he always liked cats. Dean was allergic to cats so he had never had one of his own. Since he had moved on, he might as well get one as a symbol of his independence. Cats were his favorite animal and besides, if he ever saw Dean again, he doubted that they'll be on such good terms that he would come to his apartment. If anything, they would just nod to each other in acknowledgment; that's what adults do. But it wasn't meant to be. The first cat he tried to hold attacked him and scratched him in the face. So, Castiel decided today just wasn't the day to find a cat.

       By the end of the day, he supposed all his bad luck would change. He changed into a more comfortable suit at home and began the drive to Lawrence. It wouldn't take long; just 45 minutes. He had made sure he had enough gas and he made sure everything was accounted for. The sky had cleared up and it seemed like this evening with his family was going to be pleasant. Until, his car broke down as he was driving into Lawrence coming in off the turnpike. There was no reason for it in Castiel's mind. He got his oil changes at the right time, he had plenty of gas so why did it break down? Sure it made a weird noise as it drove but that was normal, right?

        Of course, the usual busy street had no one on it that afternoon. It was just after four and Castiel would think people would start coming home from work in Topeka or other neighboring areas. However, no one came. Frustrated, Castiel called Michael but, of course, his phone was off. So, despite him not living around the area, Castiel found himself calling Benny to pass the time until someone drove by to give him assistance.

        “My car broke down.” Castiel complained when Benny picked up. He heard a chuckle on the other line.

        “Call Bobby's.”

       “They still open?” Castiel remembered the old mechanic shop. Dean would work there for extra cash when they were in high school.

       “Hell yeah. At least, they were when I last visited which was like, I don't know, months ago.” Benny paused as if thinking about something. Whatever it was needed a lot of thought because he was dead silent for a while. Castiel was about to question if he was still there when he spoke up again. “I'll call them for you. Bobby should be there to tow your truck.”

        “Isn't he getting old?” Castiel wondered how old Bobby was now. Was he already weak now? He didn't want to bother a guy that may need more rest.

       “He's not that old, Cas.” Benny chuckled probably knowing Castiel was imagining a kindly elderly man. He couldn't help it though; when you are little, it is hard to properly assess adult's ages and you end up thinking they are much older or much younger than they really are.

       Castiel got off the phone with Benny because he was going to call on Castiel's behalf. It was strange that Benny had the phone number of the place when he lived in an entirely different state. He supposed he was just prepared in case during his visits to his family. Even though Benny moved back to his home state, his parents still remained here. Family was everything to Castiel and he was sure it was the same for Benny.

       He waited for a while in silence. It wasn't much of a problem since it was a nicer day since the rain had gone and the scenery wasn't bad. Castiel enjoyed the sounds of the birds and watching the clouds lazily go by. He didn't have a lot of time to enjoy nature anymore so, it was fortunate that he could now. Topeka was nice but sometimes he really missed the sounds of Lawrence. Though it wasn't really a small town, it still sounded much more peaceful.

        He heard the rumbling of a truck and it snapped him out of his daydreaming. It was a tow truck headed his way, he was surprised by how fast they had gotten there but then again, he was always known to lose time lost in his own world. The truck stopped in front of his car backing up enough so they could be connected. Castiel pushed off his car and headed towards the driver side of the truck. As he walked towards it, the door swung open and who left the vehicle was not Bobby. It was a much different person.

        Castiel was suddenly overwhelmed with so many different thoughts and feelings. It had been so long and he had thought he had moved on from Dean but the moment he saw those familiar green eyes, he realized he was completely wrong. Everything flooded back, all his emotions, the pain, everything. Castiel didn't know how but Dean had kept a place inside his heart and never left.

        But the Dean in front was different from the boy he left behind. He no longer had slim and boyish looks, instead he was filled out and looked much stronger. He no longer had a smooth face and had grown some stubble over the year but he still looked as gorgeous as he ever did even under all that dirt accumulated from his job. In fact, the dirtiness just seemed to make him even more attractive. Castiel even thought that maybe he had gotten even better looking than before he left. It wasn't fair; Castiel was sure he would lose himself again if he stayed near him too long.

        “Cas?” He recognized him as well and that voice of his had gotten rough and deeper than before. Castiel knew his voice had also gotten deep as well and it was bound to happen. They were merely teenagers when they parted ways. Of course, Dean had grown up; it wasn't like he was going to remain the way he had been before. Time changes everything.

        “Dean?” Castiel had so much more to say. He didn't know what they were but he felt like he could have said something. However, he had no chance to speak as he was suddenly enveloped into a tight embrace. Castiel could only stand in shock as Dean held him close and rested his head on his shoulder. He was much stronger than before but years working on cars probably helped. Why was he holding him so close after all this time? What was this?

       “It's been years.” Dean's voice was quivering. “Eight fucking years.”

       Castiel didn't know what to say. They had been apart for so long, he thought Dean would have forgotten about him. He didn't expect to be held so close. He didn't expect Dean to be the one who got emotional. He didn't expect his heart racing and all those bothersome feelings returning either. He could smell Dean's scent even under all that oil and grease, it hadn't changed at all. The memories all came back to him and he felt a mixture of emotions as he remained in his old friend's arms.

       “You could have called me.” He finally uttered when he found his voice again. “I didn't change my number till later.”

       “Life got hectic and I thought you- you-” Dean let him go and moved away a bit. A finger traced the scratch on Castiel's face and a look of confusion flashed through Dean's eyes before he suddenly realized his position. If anyone drove by, they would think he was caressing Castiel's face. He caught himself before Castiel could move towards the touch, something Castiel would berate himself for almost attempting. Suddenly flush with embarrassment, Dean looked away and Castiel didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't the one who raced towards him and threw him into an embrace. It was quite the opposite and if anyone was to be a bit embarrassed or awkward it should be him not Dean. “Let me get your car and we can talk on the way to wherever. I can drop you off at your house if you like.”

      The ride to his home was quiet and awkward. Castiel thought Dean would say something, especially with that display he had put on earlier, but he had remained quiet. Castiel wondered if he regretted hugging him so soon. Dean was impulsive at times but it was normal to be happy to see an old friend, right? They had been friends since kindergarten, of course Dean would get really happy to see him. It was nothing and Dean probably would have done it to Benny, if they were apart for the same time.

       “How's Lisa?” Castiel asked trying to start some sort of conversation. He had to remind himself Dean was taken because sitting next to him, feeling his body heat so close, was slowly making him fall. Castiel knew one thing and that was he didn't want to fall back in love with Dean. Besides, time had changed them and he had to remind himself of that. As much as his memories would like him to think this was the same boy he left, this wasn't. This was a mechanic, who seemed to have been working tirelessly everyday given the dark circles under his eyes. This wasn't a high school boy confused about the future; this was a man with a family of his own.

       “Don't know.” Dean responded eyes not leaving the road. Castiel was confused. Why didn't Dean know?

       “What about the kid?”

       “Ben.” Dean corrected. Of course, the child had a name. Castiel was rude to call him 'the kid'.

       “Ben.”

      “He wasn't mine but I thought I could make it work.” Dean explained. Castiel knew that Ben wasn't Dean's child. He knew that before he even left but he had thought Dean was still with Lisa. He had said he loved her after all. Lisa and him were supposed to be _it_ according to him. “It didn't work and just recently got dumped by a waitress, so, I guess I'm not doing well in the love category.”

      “Me neither.” Castiel continued the conversation as if the news of Dean being single didn't make his heart leap for joy. “I had a girlfriend but after she stabbed me with a knife-”

       “Whoa, what the fuck?” Dean almost slammed on the breaks when he heard that. Castiel wasn't sure what he should do in this situation. He didn't expect such a reaction. With a chuckle, Castiel tried to make it seem less of an issue.

        “Yeah, love hurts.”

      The two laughed a little and it was so wonderful to hear Dean's laugh. Castiel had almost forgotten how endearing it sounded. He had almost forgotten how Dean's eyes seemed to twinkle with glee and how his smile could melt anyone's heart. Castiel realized he almost forgot about Dean's freckles that sprinkled his nose and how he laughed loudly and whole-heartedly when he found something funny. Dean laughed with his whole body and his mood was infectious.

       “You should have called me, Cas.” Dean looked at him with something behind his eyes. His smile was a bit sad but his eyes held some other type of emotion. It was one Castiel had never seen in his friends eyes. “Hey, want to meet at the Roadhouse? Ellen moved here a few years ago with her cute daughter, Jo. She may be your type or something.” He was trying to set him up? Of course, Dean never thought of Castiel more than a friend. With a sigh, Castiel looked out the window. It had been years so why did his chest ache when he heard the suggestion? When Castiel didn't respond, Dean cleared his throat and tried again. There had to be something to start a conversation and cut through the silence. “Anyway, about Ellen. Bobby and her have been dancing around each other and-”

       “That's good that Bobby has found someone.” Castiel interrupted. He wasn't interested in this sort of small talk. He was more interested in what Dean had been doing for these years. No, he was more interested in not hearing any of this. His feelings never left. He never really moved on. All those years were in vain and the pain would come flooding back for sure if he stayed near Dean. He had to get away as soon as possible.

       They arrived right in front of his home. Dean hadn't forgotten where it was but he had never came no matter how many times Castiel had visited Lawrence before. Castiel always figured it was because he was busy with his new family but now he knew there was no new family. So, why didn't he come? It made him a little disappointed but he supposed they had been busy living their own lives. Dean had gone to college and was working at the same time. Also, it wasn't like his family kept him up to date when Castiel was coming to visit either.

      “Yeah, but uh. You want to hang out there tonight? After your get together or dinner or whatever?” Dean didn't look at him. Instead, he was nervously looking down at his lap. Castiel couldn't help but find his unsure expression endearing. “Catch up on the years we missed?”

       “I'd like that.” He should have said no. He should have tried to move on completely but it had been so many years. Besides, one night couldn't hurt. He could forget Dean after that.

       “Oh, and I got a cellphone now.” Dean dug into his back pocket and pulled out a small flip phone. It was a fairly new model. They seem to be getting smaller and smaller every new model and the antenna was always a pain to pull out.

      “It's 2004, Dean.” Castiel reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his phone. It was a new coat but it did resemble the one Dean had bought. “Everyone is getting one now.”

      “Yeah, well.” Dean shrugged looking a bit awkward. “Give me your number.”

      “Here.” Castiel snatched Dean's phone from his hand and put in his number. This was a bad idea but what's wrong with talking on the phone. Besides, they had to arrange when they meet up and everything. Dean would need his number.

       “Tonight. Alright?”

       Castiel waved goodbye as the tow truck left. When he turned around to enter his family's home, he saw Gabriel sucking on a lollipop in the doorway smugly. Castiel was pretty sure Gabriel never moved out and was now the last brother left in their home. Inias had already graduated college with his bachelors in education. He was now working as a second grade teacher in an elementary school. Samandriel had gone away to culinary school, leaving Gabriel as the last person still living with his parents.

       “Who's car was that?” He asked taking out the lollipop from his mouth.

       “You know who's car it was.” Castiel told him as he watched his car get carried away by the tow truck.

       “Tough break.” Gabriel shrugged and smiled mischievously. “Was the driver of the tow truck cute?”

      “I don't want to talk about it.” Castiel wasn't sure if he should tell Gabriel who was driving the tow truck. Perhaps, Gabriel already knew and that's why he asked about it. After all, it wasn't hard to read the Singer Auto on the side of the truck and he was sure his older brother knew Dean worked there. With a sigh, Castiel pushed passed his brother into the house.

       All of his siblings were there, even Hannah, who hadn't came to any of the previous dinners. She and Anna had moved to the east coast because Anna met someone online. Hannah wasn't going to be apart from her sister and moved with her. Soon, she was introduced to Anna's boyfriend's friends and she fell in love with one, Raphael. Anna and Hannah were so happy that they had found people and talked about a joined wedding. Both were engaged around the same time and everyone was looking forward to it but something happened. They didn't have a joined wedding. Only Anna married that day and Castiel didn't receive an invitation to Hannah's wedding, yet. In fact, only Hannah was here with their family; Anna was nowhere to be found.

      “Where's Anna?”

       “With her husband in Connecticut.” Gabriel told him.

       “Why is Hannah here?” Castiel was confused. The two were never without each other. Hannah even moved to the east coast because Anna was going and wanted her there. They were inseparable. “Isn't she living there too? What about Raphael?”

      “It's a long story.” Gabriel looked anxious and a little sad. Something had happened. They didn't just scrap the idea of a joined wedding; there wasn't going to be another wedding. Gabriel forced a smile and slapped Castiel on the back. “But hey, you're here and Naomi is bringing the 'Boyfriend' today.”

       “Can you not use air quotes?” Castiel shook his head and glared at Gabriel. “Why would she lie?”

       Just then they heard the most obnoxious giggle. There was only one lady who had such an annoying laugh; Hester, Bartholomew's recent wife. She was completely devoted to him and hung on every word he said. She wasn't very nice to Castiel though and once smacked him out of a misunderstanding; she hadn't realized he was Bartholomew's brother and not some thief. Bartholomew should have never gave him an extra key. She ordered Inias around when she visited and the poor guy just did whatever she said since it was always minor things like getting her a drink or something. Bartholomew wasn't one to be asked; he usually gave the orders. So, she had to find some victim. She said Inias reminded her a lot of her younger brothers which just made Castiel feel sorry for them all.

       “Bartholomew is just parading Hester around.” Gabriel rolled his eyes. Bartholomew and Naomi were having some competition that no one understood. They were always trying to one up the other and since Naomi always had trouble with her love life, Bartholomew loved to rub it in. Gabriel cared about both of them and didn't like the childish games the two played.

       “Jealous, little brother?” Bartholomew teased putting an arm around Hester's shoulders.

       “As if.” Gabriel shook his head and bit off a part of the lollipop. That was a sign. Gabriel never bites off a piece of his lollipop unless he was bothered. Castiel knew he had to stay out of this. “Kali and I don't tie each other down and what more can I ask for?”

       “Hey, when are you getting married, Michael.” Bartholomew intelligently directed the conversation elsewhere.

       “I'm too busy to think of those things.” Michael looked up seeming a bit annoyed with the question. Relationships seemed to be a sensitive question in his household.

        “You aren't getting any younger.” Balthazar told him with a teasing smile.

       “How about you, Balthazar?” Michael smirked as he directed the spot light to his carefree little brother. Balthazar looked shocked and a little frightened.

       “Do I look like I want to get married?” As some chuckled, Hester noticed Inias trying to become one with the couch. He was sinking further and further into the plush in hopes no one would notice him; he wasn't so lucky.

       “Inias, you're dating that kindergarten teacher, right?”

       “Her name is Rachel.” Inias told her with a little hostility in his voice. What was wrong with dating a teacher? Castiel didn't understand.

      “Yeah, well, she's still a kindergarten teacher.”

       “And I'm a second grade teacher.”

      “I'm so proud of you, Inias.” Castiel interrupted speaking up for his little brother. Apparently, Hester didn't approve of his job because the moment Inias mentioned it she had wrinkled her nose. It was a very good job and he was helping others grow. “Dealing with children is very admirable.”

      “But so low paying.” Bartholomew said as Hester nodded in agreement.

      “It's not about the pay.” Castiel told them. It was never about the pay. They already had more than enough as a family. Who needed a job that cause you misery just to make more money? One where rumors could hurt you. Looking over at his brother, Michael, he locked eyes with him. “It's what makes you happy.”

       “Got a girl on your mind, Sammy?” Gadreel asked Samandriel. Calling him Sammy was so strange. It was what Dean called his brother, Sam. Usually, they refrained from calling Samandriel that since it was confusing when Dean came over but Dean wouldn't be coming over. Castiel suddenly was very aware about the phone waiting in his coat pocket.

      “No.” Samandriel shook his head. “I got college to think about.”

      “What are you going to do with a culinary degree?” Bartholomew looked down his nose at his own brother. Gabriel crunched on his lollipop and threw the stick behind him.

       “He's going to cook delicious food that's what he's going to do!” He growled at his older brother. Soon there was a stare down that made everyone uneasy. Hannah was the only one not noticing the drama and just sadly looking out their window. She was, also, the first one to notice Naomi's car. Bartholomew had figured she wouldn't come thinking she was too embarrassed to show up with no one. He was so sure there was no one. Gabriel, also, thought that Naomi wasn't saying the truth when she was the only one that hadn't arrived but Bartholomew's display against his own sister irked him. Gabriel may be very lax and seem like he didn't really care about anything but Castiel knew he was only second to Michael with how much he cared about his siblings.

      There were two people exiting the car as Hannah announced rather loudly. Whatever had made her sad before was forgotten. Naomi was bringing home a fiance. Bartholomew and Hester stood behind everyone as they raced to the front door with twin skeptical looks. They were probably thinking that she wasn't really bringing her fiance and had someone come with her as a favor. Castiel didn't know why Bartholomew loved looking down on others but he wished he would see the light soon. Otherwise, he was sure Gabriel would not be as calm as he has been trying to be at the moment.

      Naomi wasn't alone and it wasn't a hired escort or someone she could ask a favor from. Castiel knew this person would never want to owe anyone anything; it wasn't his style. This was a man that he and his brother, Michael, had come to know very well and were horrified to find him standing next to their sister.

       “Crowley?!” They both seemed to say in unison.

       “Hello, boys.” Crowley spoke with his smooth accented voice as he looked around the room and focused on Hannah. “And girls apparently.”

       “This is my fiance, Fergus Crowley.” Naomi said proudly pulling Crowley closer to her. Crowley shrugged as Naomi just stood next to him. She didn't put an arm around him or look at him lovingly. Crowley seemed to be looking at her with admiration but Naomi didn't move at all. This wasn't unusual. Naomi was never one to show affection much, which was one of the main reasons she had trouble with men.

      Michael and Castiel were still speechless. Their CEO was dating their sister. No, he was going to marry her. Crowley was going to become part of their family. Suddenly, Castiel was filed with dread. This wasn't a good thing. The board would think because of his relationship with their sister, Crowley was standing behind Michael and not because of the years he gave to them. Castiel could see the fear flash through Michael's eyes as well and there was a question in both of their minds; how? How did this even happen?

       “It was that meeting with the Mesopotamian company.” Crowley seemed to have noticed their questioning glances.

        “Mecho-Industrian.” Naomi corrected with an eye roll.

       “That is the weirdest name for a company I ever heard.” Crowley smiled mischievously up at her. “I personally like Mesopotamian. I mean your machines are nice but your name is weird.”

        Michael smiled politely and greeted his boss to their home. It was that tight smile Michael used to hide his feelings behind. Their mother fussed over all of them and told them that dinner was finally ready and they could all take their seats at the table.

       Everyone had assigned seats at the table ever since they were little. There were twelve children and sometimes they brought friends. They had two long tables placed together and twenty seats but only fourteen family members. This left empty seats for their guests. Of course, seats were arranged to allow the guest to sit next to the one bringing them. So, Bartholomew was moved to one of the open seats at the end of the table and so was Hester to let Crowley sit in his seat and Hester sit next to him. Gabriel seemed rather proud of that fact. Anna's chair was empty next to Hannah with no place mat or plate laid down by her; proof she wasn't coming and Hannah was alone. Beside Michael, however, was a plate and place mat in Lucifer's place.

       “Why do you make the table every time?” Michael looked down at the empty plate with an unreadable expression.

       “One day, he'll come back, Michael.” Their mother told him with a small smile. “There will always be a place at our table for him.”

        “It's ridiculous.” Michael pushed from his chair and walked away quickly without even touching his food.

       “Michael!” Their mother looked so lost, confused and hurt. She looked down at her plate sadly. Crowley looked around at everyone's tense expressions and waved towards Castiel.

        “Tender subject, Sparkles?” He asked but Castiel didn't respond. He excused himself from the table to find Michael. He was in the kitchen running water on his face. There was too much going on, of course he was unhappy. He was worried about his job and was just projecting his frustration at their mother; Castiel knew that.

       “Michael?”

        “I'm fine.” Michael told him straightening up. “Go eat dinner, Castiel.”

        The dinner was tense and Michael did return. He said nothing to their mother and she didn't press any subject. Crowley didn't even speak except when he argued with Naomi about the greatness of green beans. Naomi just sighed loudly and Gabriel chuckled when he realized Crowley was the only man Naomi has allowed to argue with her. There was some promise in this relationship. Even Bartholomew remained silent and only said minimal things. Small talk was all that was present at the meal and it was greatly unpleasant.

       When he was finished, Castiel realized he didn't have his car anymore. He had no idea how he was getting home or what he would do now. Perhaps he would stay at his home despite how tense everything was earlier. That was when his pocket vibrated angrily. A text?

       'R u done?' A text from an unknown number asked. Followed by 'This my number btw' and then 'Its Dean Pick u up?'

        He had no car to go anywhere. Dean was offering to give him a ride and he did say they could catch up tonight. The night was still young and there was no reason to remain in a tense household. He could just spend some time with Dean and then call a taxi to take him home later. He wasn't going in hopes to win Dean's heart, he was past that. He was just going as friends. No, acquaintances. He would see Dean was a totally different person now and he would kill that painful memory. He would move on; he was sure. Dean wouldn't be the same and he would hate it. He had to.

       'Alright. I'm coming out now.'

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: Missing- Everything But The Girl (1994)

        Dean picked him up in mere minutes after they spoke. He was still covered in grease and oil and smiling from ear to ear. Castiel wasn't sure he remembered seeing Dean so happy. It was like the man had been lit up from the inside out and couldn't contain his joy. Castiel didn't think he was the one making him so happy. However, he couldn't think of anything else unless Dean got promoted recently.

       It was like he was in some alternate universe and he hadn't had unrequited love for Dean. Instead, Dean seemed to hang on his every word and smiled so brightly for him. He kept touching him with those little touches he used to use. A slap on the shoulder, a little push or nudge all with that beautiful smile. For a moment, Castiel felt like he never left and that his feelings were reciprocated. The way Dean looked at him and the way he laughed so genuine to what he said, made it easy to pretend that.

       "You live in Topeka now?” Dean questioned while staring at a picture Castiel took with his phone of a nice bakery nearby. He frequented the store a lot and thought Dean should know of the deliciousness inside. After all, they sold pie there as well. Dean must have noticed one of the fliers in the background for some organization there. Even though it was large lettering in person, it was really small in the flip phone picture and Dean would really had to have looked for it to find it. Castiel could only nod in response. “That's only around forty minutes away. I could visit you.”

      “You'd need to know my address to do that.”

       “What's your address?” He didn't waste any time but Castiel wasn't sure he should tell him. Even though it was pleasant being around him again and he was getting lost in everything that was Dean, it was too dangerous. He knew this would only end in heartache and he wasn't willing to go that route again. “Come on, Cas.” Dean whined but Castiel held his ground. Eventually, Dean gave up and changed the subject.“Hey, I live on my own now.”

       “Really?” Castiel remembered his family mentioning it once but he never heard where.

       “Yep, remember that yellow house on Maple?” The house on Maple? Of course, he remembered that house. That was their house; the one that they wanted to live in together. They were supposed to go to college together and room together. It was their dream. Why did Dean buy it even after he left? Was it for Lisa? If so, why did he still live there?

       “The one that was falling apart?” Castiel wasn't going to let him know he was affected. This was just small talk. There was no need to get worked up over it.

       “Not falling apart anymore.” Dean assured him with one of those aggravatingly charming smiles. “I fixed it up. It's mine. You should come see it.”

       “Is it still that god awful yellow?” Castiel certainly wasn't going to come see it. This meeting was to bring him closure. It was to end their story and close the book for good.

       “No, I changed that.” Dean told him staring at him too intensely. Castiel didn't know why he was looking at him like that. “It's blue.”

       “Blue?”

       “It's my favorite color.” Dean was giving him a look that said there was something more to what he was saying but Castiel didn't understand. They sat there in silence for a while. Castiel didn't know what to say to that. Why couldn't he keep a conversation going? When they were younger, they would talk for hours about nothing. Dean always had something to talk about.

       Now that he thought about it, it was always Dean who controlled the conversation. Castiel had never been one to begin or keep a conversation going. He had no friends back at the company because of this horrible fact. He never got passed polite small talk. Maybe there was something wrong with him.

      He realized that Dean was more talkative in the past. However, now he seemed awkward and unsure of what to say. He guessed some people changed and some didn't. Dean had changed so much and he still stayed the same. Dean probably wasn't even bothered by those years they missed. Castiel just worried on his own; he was the only one that hurt.

      “My neighbor, Cain. Real weird guy, he has like bees in his backyard.” Dean attempted to start a new conversation. “You still like bees?”

       “Yes, Dean.” Castiel nodded; he never changed. He still loved bees just like he had in Kindergarten. “I do.”

       All this time, Castiel had sought to move on with his life and change from the boy, who suffered over an unrequited love. However, he never changed and though he had a job now and lived on his own, he never moved on with his life. He stayed stagnant; he was wondering around lost but not going anywhere. Dean moved on; Dean changed. Was their friendship of so many years so easily forgotten?

       “Why didn't you visit me?” Castiel blurted out without thinking at all. It was completely off topic but it was a question that had been weighing in his mind. No, that wasn't the question he was really thinking of. He wanted to know more. Why had Dean forgotten him? Did he really forget him? Was he upset those years as well? How did he live those years when Castiel barely got by. “I've been in Lawrence many times before.”

       “I could ask you the same question.” Dean looked so serious as if Castiel could have come and visited him instead. It was true, he could have but that would destroy everything he was trying to accomplish at the time. Of course, because of his car, everything was already destroyed and he realized that what he was trying to accomplish was nothing but an unattainable dream. He still failed to throw Dean out of his heart. “Cas, you said you needed time. That we both did. I figured you'd contact me first.”

       He had said that. It was something he thought of at the spur of the moment; a lie. He only wanted time to forget Dean and he was using the excuse to stay away from him. He never thought Dean would consider it seriously. That he would actually keep his distance because of it. But even after all these years, what fool would still believe in giving someone space? What fool would wait for someone for so long?

       “Then, I realized you weren't going to.” Dean admitted signaling to the bartender for another drink. “So, I thought you didn't want to see me anymore but then Benny said you requested me.”

      “Benny said what?”

       “That his friend had broken down and that you asked for me. ” Dean didn't seem like he was lying. In fact, he seemed pretty happy and sincere. Also, there was a hint of smugness in his voice.“Personally requested.”

       Benny betrayed him. Castiel remembered that he had been the one to call the mechanics. He must have known Dean worked there; of course, he knew. Dean was a good friend and he had never stop talking to him. He must have knew he was working today and said Castiel requested him. It explained why Dean was so excited to see him; he thought that Castiel wanted to see him. He had underestimated Benny thinking he would just let things be and never take action. He trusted him and hadn't seen this coming at all.

        Why would Benny do this to him? He know how hard Castiel worked to forget Dean. Was he trying to help? Why was this helping? Did he want him to suffer again? Benny was his friend. He was there for him when others weren't. He cared for him when others didn't. He kept all his secrets. Why would he do this to him?

       “You're alright?” Dean looked at him concerned. Castiel became conscious of the expressions on his face. Thinking of Benny's betrayal must have made him look angry and hurt. Dean probably thought it was because of him. No, he would deal with this matter later. There had to be a reason Benny wanted him to talk to Dean. Maybe he was trying to tell him he hadn't moved on correctly. That must be it. Benny was only trying to help after all; that was all he ever did. Castiel smiled relieved by his own thoughts.

      “Why wouldn't I be?”

      This was all planned by Benny for whatever reason he may have. His car, however, wasn't sabotaged or anything. There was no way Benny could have made his car break down all the way from Louisiana, so he knew that wasn't part of the issue. The issue was that when he found out about the breakdown he specifically got Dean to come help. He knew how Castiel felt about Dean. He knew about the years Castiel spent trying to forget him but still specifically got him to come. What did he think would happen?

       Castiel figured after tonight, he would rethink his way of getting over Dean. Being away from him and trying to live his own life hadn't worked. Perhaps he had to have Dean in his life. Without Dean around, he had this fantasy of him that he couldn't let go. Perhaps seeing him now can destroy all those romantic thoughts. Perhaps now, he can forget Dean now seeing how different and not perfect he was. Whenever he stopped being perfect, that was.

       Even at the end of their time at the bar, when Castiel was prepared to call a taxi, Dean insisted that he took him home. No amount of excuses were enough to stop his ex friend from dragging towards his Impala and stuffing him into the passenger seat. Castiel was strong enough to fight him off but he blamed being a little tipsy to why he didn't. It wasn't actually true but he pretended that was the reason why. He didn't want to believe a part of him wanted to stay with Dean longer.

       He didn't want Dean to know where he lived though. It would complicate things and Dean was a determined man when he had his mind on something. He would visit him lots without a thought to how his frequent visits would affect him. If he was going to implement the new plan of forgetting him, he needed a space without Dean. Somewhere Dean couldn't bother him if things got problematic. So, he asked to be dropped off at his work place. Michael's apartment was nearby and he would just spend the night there. After all, he needed to work in the morning.

       Dean was reluctant to drop him off at the building. He told Castiel to call him on his way to Michael's place so he would know he was alright. Castiel had gone years without Dean's protection and he never really needed it in the first place. He told Dean it wouldn't be necessary and left the car a little angry at the suggestion. Dean didn't call for him or chase after him; he would have if he was back in high school. No, Dean had changed. For a moment, Castiel had seen the old Dean worrying about his safety and wanting to hang out all the time but he left him in that car and as he walked away, he faded from existence. The old Dean was pig headed and stubborn. He wouldn't have allowed Castiel to walk away peacefully. He would have asserted that Castiel needed the help. Perhaps, Dean had had enough of helping people or maybe it was just Castiel.

       Then there was a call on his phone and Castiel realized perhaps he wasn't the only one that had stayed somewhat the same. Dean was going to worm his way in his heart being as selfish, rude and stubborn as he always was. Castiel never hated that about him even if it caused him pain. He loved past Dean. When he picked up the phone, he expected apologizes and excuses to why he didn't leave him be. Instead, he heard a female's voice; it wasn't Dean.

        It was Michael's secretary, Natalie. Castiel should have checked the ID before he greeted so unprofessionally. She was looking for Michael as for some reason, his phone was off. Michael's phone was never off. She tried his home but no one was picking up either. Castiel thought back to how upset Michael was earlier that evening. He thought back to how distraught he had looked in the kitchen and then, he thought of Lucifer. Lucifer disappeared one day without a word; would Michael do the same?

       He hurried his pace and told Natalie that he would go make sure everything was alright. He was suddenly grateful that he had a spare key to Michael's apartment but he wasn't grateful that Dean left. It was strange because this was a family issue but all he wanted was Dean to come back. He wanted him by his side when he faced whatever was on the other side of the door because he was afraid and he needed him. No, he couldn't need him. He was an adult and had a life of his own. He could face this on his own like he faced everything else these past eight years.

       “Michael, your secretary was looking for you.” There was a light in the living room but no one responded. He entered the room cautiously and kicked a wine bottle. The empty bottle just rolled against the sofa but still Michael wasn't found. “Michael?”

      There were bottles everywhere. Picking up one, Castiel could see these were all bottles from Michael's rather expensive wine collection. They were all empty; drained of their contents to the very last drop. Castiel picked up two and noticed there was a third. When he went to grab the third bottle he saw one of Michael's shoes shine some light by the side of the sofa. Quickly, he moved towards that end and realized the shoe was still being worn.

      Michael was slumped against the sofa with a tired look in his eyes. He was still conscious, thankfully, but Castiel wasn't sure if he would pass out at any moment. There was another bottle in his hands and he had to snatch it from him lest it becomes empty as well. Michael made a small noise when the bottle was taken from him but otherwise remained undisturbed.

       “Did you drink all of this?” Castiel had never known Michael to be so reckless with his health.

       “There's no meetings tomorrow.” Michael slurred and could barely get the words out coherently. Castiel was glad he could decipher what his brother was trying to say though it wasn't without effort.

       “Michael, this isn't like you.” He got up and noticed a wine glass tossed to the floor and some papers thrown about the place. Castiel quickly began cleaning up the mess Michael left. He needed to get him in bed and get him to rest. Slowly, he picked up his brother, who wasn't the lightest individual, and carried him towards his room.

        “He's gone, Castiel.” Michael murmured against his shoulder sadly. “I never- I never got to say I'm sorry.”

       “Who?”

       “Lucifer.”

       If Michael was lighter, Castiel would have stopped in the hallway. Lucifer had been missing for years and there had been no news of him. Did Michael know something no one else knew? Was that why he was so disturbed by the place set at the table? Castiel wanted to ask him about it immediately but he held it in. Instead, he took his time and laid his brother on the bed before he bombarded him with questions.

       “You know where he is? What's wrong with Lucifer?”

       “I don't know where he is.” Michael whined but no matter how distraught his brother sounded, Castiel felt a little relieved. At least, Lucifer wasn't in any trouble. Sometimes no news was good news. “He could be dead. We would never know.”

        “He's not dead.” Castiel assured him. If Lucifer had died, they would have found some form of ID and informed them of his passing. He did have a driver's license and he would have to renew it. If their father would hire a private detective like their mother asked, they probably would know where he was right now. However, their father told them that Lucifer would find his way back and would call them if he had any trouble. Everyone tried their best not to worry but sometimes it was hard.

       “Why didn't I apologize? It's all my fault. I was too proud. ” Michael was suddenly sobbing like a baby and Castiel didn't know what he could do to stop it. He just wanted to take off his shoes and suit jacket and get him comfortable for bed. Why did he have to make things difficult? “I can't have this company. It's too much. I can't handle it. What if I mess it all up?”

       “I'm going to call and say you are terribly ill.” Castiel shook his head at the sight. There was no way his brother could work tomorrow in this condition. He was still crying over the whole matter and he couldn't see why; he thought his brothers hated each other. “You don't have to take over the company. You can decline if you feel you are not the one best suited for the job.”

       “But it's all I have, Castiel.” Michael's voice sounded so broken but he at least stopped crying.

        “You have me.” Castiel pulled off his shoes and discarded them onto the floor. He propped his brother up against the head board and began removing his suit jacket. “I don't know where Lucifer is but I hope where ever he is, he's happy.”

        “Are you happy?”Michael asked in almost a whisper.

        “I'm trying to be.” It was the only way he could respond. After such an awkward dinner, seeing Dean again and now trying to remove his brother's clothing, he couldn't say he was having the time of his life. He would have to move the waste bin to the side because he knew his brother would inevitably vomit sooner or later. “But I don't have much either.”

       “You have Dean.” Dean? Where did that come from? How did he know he had spent time with Dean tonight? Was this some elaborate plan and not just the work of Benny? Did Michael pitch in as well? No, it was impossible. Michael wasn't that sort of person.

        But why did Dean come up? Everyone in his family knew he no longer spoke to him. How could he have someone he never saw? He didn't have Dean. Even though they spent time together and caught up a bit, they weren't best friends again. Castiel didn't have any friends in Kansas; he was alone. It would be nice to have someone to help him when he was in need. It would be nice to have Dean.

       “He always makes sure you're alright. He's such a good kid but remember mom's curfew. You have school tomorrow.”Now his brother was just babbling like an idiot. School tomorrow?

       “Michael.” Castiel sighed. His brother was talking about the past. He was too far gone to remember what day it was. “You're a little too inebriated.

       He cleaned up his brother's room, got him ready for bed and made sure he was in a position that he wouldn't choke on his own vomit. He should get a million brother points for everything he did for that man. He even contacted Natalie and instead of telling the truth, he lied saying that Michael was terribly ill. There wouldn't be much of a difference with the hang over he was due.

       He took over the sofa, though it reeked of wine, and settled down to sleep. He would borrow some of Michael's clothing for work tomorrow; they were about the same size. With another sigh, he closed his eyes but couldn't stop thinking about what had mistakenly went through his mind while trying to help his brother. Why did he even think it? He had to erase it from his mind and never think of it again. It was a stupid thought anyway and it would never happen. However, before he drifted off to sleep the thought came back and he couldn't ignore it.

       It would be nice to have Dean.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Iris- Goo Goo Dolls (1998)

         Castiel went back to another boring work day. He realized everyday he did without Dean was boring and just passed by without anything memorable happening. He couldn't believe that after all this time, he allowed Dean to affect him so much. He had to think of something to do and try to ignore the return of his feelings.

        He thought things were as simple as just not calling him and erasing the history of his calls. If he took away everything about him on his phone, he couldn't call or look him up. He knew where he lived, though. Well, he'll just not ever visit there. Dean didn't know where he lived and even though he knew where he worked, he doubted he'd ever show there.

        His phone vibrated on his desk and he noticed it right away. Perhaps he was too conscious of his phone at the moment. 'Workin on cars suck' was all the message said and there was no name to the sender. All he could see was the numbers that made up the sender's phone numbers. Though he had only seen it once or twice, Castiel recognized those numbers; it was Dean's phone number.

        'You are the one who chose that profession.' Castiel responded because it was rude not to. At least, that's what he told himself. It didn't take long for his phone to vibrate again. It was so loud too, everyone in the area probably could hear it. Even the tech girl, who was fixing the computer of one of his department's employees turned to look at him for a moment.

         'Txt speak Cas. Work on ur txt speak.' Was all the message said. Did he mean text speak? Was that what this ungodly butchering of words was? Castiel was a professional and never was someone that could use slang without it being horribly awkward. So, he text back the only thing he could think of.

         'No.' He set the phone on his desk. No sooner than he placed it down, it vibrated again.

         'Dont b rude' it read. Castiel smiled a little.

         'No.'

        “Who you texting?” The tech girl was standing near his desk now looking at someone else's computer. Apparently, one of the people who work under him accidentally got a virus that locked up her entire computer. The tech department sent in their best employee to come fix the problem and ensure the records were safe from harm. They were the accounting department; if anything happened to their records in any way, it could mean trouble for the whole company.

        The tech girl was friendly enough. She had greeted everyone in high spirits and seemed to genuinely love her job. She was friendly even to Castiel even though he didn't know why. Most people either ignored him or only spoke to him formally. Maybe he was intimidating and that was why none of his coworkers ever offered for him to eat with them or speak to him about other things than work and the usual small talk. The red-headed ball of energy was brave enough to speak to him and made him feel like he wasn't such an oddball anymore.

        “No one.” Castiel answered her finally after a brief hesitation. He tried remembering the woman's name but in the end resorted to looking at her name tag. Charlene Bradbury. With a smile, he nodded to her. “How are you, Ms. Bradbury?”

        “Ew. No.” She scrunched up her nose and shook her head. Castiel hadn't asked her a yes or no question. Was his attempt at small talk wrong? He thought that was a normal question. She continued speaking with a smile which was better than that brief disgusted look he got earlier. “Call me Charlie and that didn't look like nothing. You got a new lady friend? She hot?”

        “His name is Dean.”

        “Oh, that's cool too.” She nodded like she always did in conversations with others. Charlie was laid back and didn't seem to judge others as harshly as they would judge themselves. It was nice feeling a little accepted in her presence. “I prefer the ladies myself.”

        “I don't think I have a preference.” Castiel admitted a little shy.

        “You are cooler than I thought, Mr. Novak.” Charlie immediately punched him in the shoulder still smiling brightly. Castiel didn't understand why this had to resort to violence and why she still looked happy. Looking around, he noticed no one thought she was attacking him and Charlie didn't seem like she wanted to hurt him. Maybe it was some sort of friendly gesture he didn't quite understand.

        “Ew. No.” He imitated awkwardly. “Call me, Castiel.”

        His phone chose that moment to vibrate harshly against his wooden desk. Charlie looked down at it in interest but Castiel wasn't sure he should look at it. After all, it was rude to play with your phone or talk on it when you are in the middle of a conversation. He didn't want to be rude to Charlie when she had been nothing but nice to him. This was his chance to make an actual friend at work. Maybe they would have lunch with each other one day and he wouldn't have to eat alone at his desk anymore. Charlie, however, had other ideas. She gave him a knowing look and slowly removed herself from his presence. She had a job to do, he supposed, but it did make him feel a little unhappy. He was hoping they would continue talking.

        There was no point not to check his phone now since she was now looking at another person's computer. Why did she walk up to his desk anyway? Just to be friendly? Charlie was a rather friendly person and everyone seemed to like her. It would be nice if she became his friend. However, now he had to focus on his work and his phone.

         'When u get off work?' Why would Dean want to know when he got off work? It wasn't any of his business. If he kept texting him so frequently, he would get off of work much later because he doubt much work can be done while texting him. In fact, Dean was supposedly working right now as well. How was he fixing the car, if he was texting so much?

        'When I get off work.' Castiel replied and nodded at his choice of answer. It gave away nothing, wasn't a lie and shut down any further conversation unless Dean starts begging. No, he'll just ignore the begging.

        His phone vibrated once more and he decided to just focus on his work. There was no reason to answer him if he was just texting 'come on' or something like that. Besides, he wanted this account done before lunch so he wouldn't have to worry about anything. Maybe he'll ask Charlie if she wanted to sit with him in the cafeteria they had there. Would she say no? Castiel shook his head; no, this was no time for making friends. He was already behind as it was and besides, he was too shy to ask.

        What if Dean wasn't begging and was asking him something important? He tried to keep working without giving these thoughts any importance. But he couldn't help looking over at the phone a couple of times. The task was almost finished anyway and it didn't seem like it would take an awfully long time to complete. He could spare a glance at his phone.

       'How bout now?' Castiel shook his head. Dean wanted him off of work now? It hadn't even gotten to lunch time yet. There was no way he would just get off work when there was so much to do. He had to make sure all his tasks were done today. If he must, he would work overtime. He had to set an example for all those under him and prove his worth.

        'No.' He pushed the numbers of his phone to type in the letters. It took longer for him when he did correct grammar and spelling but simple texts like this were no problem. The only problem was he had to wait a moment before pressing the 6 again because N and O were on that same number.

        'Stop being difficult.' Dean was so fast when he sent texts. Castiel didn't understand how he was able to do this. He always took much longer to text.

        'No.' He responded and decided not to place the phone down. Dean would respond quickly either way and he found that nothing short of 'Stop texting me' would make him stop. He didn't want to be that direct. He knew he should but part of him didn't want the texts to end.

        'Cassssss. Come out n play.' That was a weird thing to text. It was like what children said when they wanted someone to come outside. Castiel's breath was caught in his throat. It was always said when they were just outside. Did Dean travel all the way here to see him? No, he should be working but Castiel couldn't help but anticipate him.

         'Are you here?' He had to make sure. What if he was waiting just outside? Dean did tend to surprise him sometimes and this definitely would be a surprise. His phone vibrated and he immediately opened the message.

        'No, but what if I was?' Castiel didn't know if he was sighing in relief or disappointment. What should he say to that? He smiled at the thought of maybe teasing him.

         'I don't know. What if I was there?' He only said it to tease Dean and make Dean wonder if he was there or not. He wanted him to experience the same wonder he had. However, after he sent it, he realized it sounded flirty. Would Dean find that disgusting?

        'What if we went 2 each other at the same time?' Castiel chuckled a bit at Dean's response. He got a few looks but he didn't mind. At least Dean didn't think he was disgusting and didn't find his text strange. The response was silly. Why would they both go to see each other at the same time?

        'We'd miss each other.' Castiel messaged him. It was true; if they did try to go to each other, they would simply pass each other.

        'Or meet in the middle.' Dean did have a point but Castiel was sure he would be more focused on the road than finding Dean. If he was on his way at the moment, he would only be thinking of his destination and not that Dean was going to him as well.

        'I doubt I would notice.'

        'How can u not notice Baby?' Dean did have a pretty noticeable car. Even focused on the road, one couldn't not see such a vehicle past by.

        'True.' Castiel didn't even realize how happy he looked until he was pushed by someone's body getting between him and his desk. Red hair smacked his phone as Charlie moved in front of his computer.

        “Oh, don't mind me. I'm just making sure your computer is up in order.” She told him with a smile. “Please, continue your flirting. I got this.”

         Flirting? Was Dean flirting with him? Castiel felt a squeeze in his chest but it didn't hurt; it was more pleasant feeling. Dean was very happy to see him before; he laughed more than he ever saw him do and all those meaningful looks. Also, he didn't freak out with his teasing; he even teased back. Was it teasing or flirting? Castiel couldn't believe it; Dean was flirting with him. He had to be. Those looks and touches had to mean something.

         No, Dean wouldn't flirt with him. He didn't have that sort of interest. But then again, he did say blue was his favorite color with such a look. Could Castiel have hope that that was his favorite color because of Castiel's eyes. Why didn't he notice it before? That hug when they met was so full of warmth; it had to be love in there, right? Dean must have felt something for him, right?

         He couldn't wait for the end of the day now. He would suffer through a lonely lunch just to finish his tasks. If this was true, this was his chance. All his years of suffering wouldn't be for nothing. If Dean truly felt something for him even if it was just a little, he needed to cultivate this. Even if it was a little seedling, he would water it and care for it and soon it would bloom.

         He worked as hard as he could, focusing only on his work. He would meet up with Dean today; surprise him and explore these feelings. He never felt as happy as he did at that moment. He had been clumsily going about his life numb to the feelings he once had but now they were all back. However, only the joy of being someone close to Dean remained. All the pain and suffering he once felt had dissipated. There was a chance Dean loved him back.

          He hurried out leaving a task unfinished when it came to get off work. He would work hard on it tomorrow morning; there was no rush. He hurried out only to realize his car was still in the shop. How was he supposed to see Dean now? Castiel shook his head. Maybe this was fate's way of telling him that he was wrong. It was silly to think Dean was flirting with him. Dean just liked to play around there was no meaning in any of it.

          But should he really not try? Castiel didn't know if he was brave enough but there was a small voice in his head that told him he'd regret it if he didn't try. It suspiciously sounded like Benny though. He knew if Benny was there, he would have told him just that. He probably would regret it now that he thought about it. If Dean did like him, he wouldn't want to miss his chance to be happy. But it didn't matter; there wasn't anyone he could ask to drive him there.

         “Castiel, you're leaving early?” Michael couldn't have chosen a better time to show up. Smiling happily, Castiel nodded and gave Michael a look he rarely saw. It was a look that was already asking for a favor. At first, Michael weakly smiled back a little afraid of what his brother might ask of him. Castiel rarely asked for anything but when he did, it was too hard to refuse him. This time was no different.

         Castiel thanked his brother multiple times as they drove towards Lawrence. Michael told him he didn't need to but Castiel knew he would have stayed at work working as well if Castiel hadn't left early. He didn't tell his brother why he was going to Lawrence, he just told him he needed him to drive him there. He gave him directions to the Roadhouse, the place Dean had taken him to the last time he saw him. He would call Dean once he got there and ask him to join him. He'd probably would have to send Michael back because it would just be awkward having your older brother around in this sort of situation.

        He was glad he hadn't been dropped off yet when he spotted Dean's car in the parking lot. He was right; there was no way he could miss that car. Dean was walking out of the Roadhouse when they were turning in. Castiel almost did something stupid and called out to him. He was glad he resisted the urge because right then a beautiful blonde walked out as well. She looked like she would be just Dean's type and so very young. She looked like she was straight out of high school but if she was in the bar, she had to at least be 18.

        Dean gestured to his car and she rolled her eyes; she was awfully familiar with him. She smacked his arm with a laugh and moved to the passenger side wasting no time to get into the vehicle. Dean smiled at her and shrugged a little in a way that looked soft and caring. It wasn't the same look he gave Lisa back in high school but it still held love. Castiel was an idiot. Why would Dean want to flirt with him? He only liked women. It was so obvious he would never think of Castiel anymore than a friend.

         He watched them back out as his brother pulled into a parking spot. He dipped down trying to hide his face in case he looked his way. What was he even doing? Why was he trying to hide himself from Dean like if he was an ex. Dean didn't know about his feelings for him and hopefully, he never would. This was embarrassing but it was fortunate only he knew.

        “Michael, I suggest we drink copious amounts of alcohol.” They were at the Roadhouse; might as well make the best of it.

         His brother looked at him confused. It was pretty odd to drive all this way just to end up at the bar; there were plenty of bars in Topeka. Castiel didn't care how it looked to his brother because he didn't want to explain himself. He just needed some drinks. Michael took off his seat belt and looked over at him with sympathy. It was almost like he knew what had just happened. Maybe he did, no one could mistake Dean's car for anything else. Gabriel and Lucifer knew about his feelings for Dean, he was sure they told their other siblings.

         “This is very uncharacteristic of you.” Michael said with a sigh. “Is something wrong?”

         Castiel didn't say anything but he knew his brother could see something was bothering him. He undid his seat belt and exited the car quickly. Michael hesitated but soon joined him. He didn't say a word about what had just happened. He didn't even mention the waste of gas and even offered to pay for the drinks. It was times like these that Castiel truly felt blessed. Though his family was big and it was easy to be left out of the conversation or overlooked all together, there were many people that cared for him there. They all truly cared for him and it always made him feel blessed to have so many siblings. There was nothing but warmth from them all.

         They were silent at first. Michael didn't say a word as Castiel drank his first drink. He looked a little concerned when Castiel requested another but held his tongue. It was rather rare that Michael didn't lecture him or try to encourage him to do the right thing. In fact, Michael seemed to be just as ready to have his second drink as he was.

        “I'm sorry about that time I wasn't my best.” Michael broke the silence with a comment that seemed a bit out of place. At first, Castiel didn't even know what he was referring to. However, he remembered the day he found Michael completely wasted in his apartment. He couldn't believe his prim and proper brother would ever do something like that.

        “You don't have to just show everyone your best.” Castiel told him honestly as he took a sip from his drink. “Sometimes it is nice to know you're human still.”

         “Lucifer and I are only ten months apart. Less than a year.” This wasn't new information; Castiel knew this since he could do simple addition and subtraction. Despite that, he turned to his brother suddenly interested in all he would tell. Michael and Lucifer fought a lot ever since he was a child. Perhaps now, he would know why. Michael sighed and signaled for the bartender. Instead of getting more to drink, he opted for water. Castiel supposed Michael didn't want to get completely drunk tonight. With another sigh, his older brother continued to talk.“You don't remember because you weren't even a thought in mom's head at the time, but we were once poor. Dirt poor. Not knowing when the next meal was coming poor.”

         “That's why some people questioned your background.” Castiel had heard them call Michael a new poor. It was true, Castiel couldn't remember a time he didn't have anything. He was the third youngest in a family with twelve children. All his life, they had been rich but Michael was around when they weren't. He had heard his mother mention they weren't always well off but he never really thought about them being poor. He just thought they always had money and maybe once they had a bit less but never dirt poor.

          “It's not a very widely known fact but the board knew.” Michael explained. “It's good to thoroughly research the candidates.”

         It all made sense now, his mothers small remarks. His mother had said that Michael and Lucifer shared a lot of clothing when they were young. Castiel never understood because he figured they just wanted to share clothing; he never thought they didn't have a choice. His mother mentioned her relief many times that they could live the life they did but Castiel never put two and two together. He just let those comments fade into the background and never gave them much importance.

         “Lucifer and I shared everything, when we were kids, and because of that, we argued a lot. Lucifer was dad's favorite. There was a time he would come home and actually be a dad. Lucifer was the apple of his eye and I was jealous. I did my best to be a great student and try to get his attention but- It's in the past and we weren't poor for long. Dad's books began selling and well, things got better for all of us.” It made sense why they always seemed to be in competition. It was because when they were younger, it was a competition. It must have been hard growing up having to fight for resources and love. Castiel knew it was still a struggle even with the money they had now. Twelve kids meant not everyone was going to get the attention they craved. However, there was no battle for clothes or toys. Everyone had their own things now. “Lucifer and I fought a lot but we were still close until college.”

         College. If Castiel could remember the time Lucifer and Michael's petty arguments become full blown yelling matches, it was when Lucifer had quit college. It was very hazy but Castiel remembered a time that Michael and Lucifer bickered but always did things together. He remembered when he was in kindergarten and Michael would ask for Lucifer to be put on the phone. Even though they bickered, they were still close just as he had said. It was towards the summer when he was seven years old that it all changed and Castiel never knew why.

          Michael finally told him that night as they sat at the bar. Perhaps he needed to tell someone and no longer could hold it inside. The whole problem apparently started with a woman named Lilith. Lucifer fell in love his second year. If Castiel remembered correctly, it was Lucifer's second year when he started failing his classes. Michael told him it was because of Lilith; she apparently was a bad influence.

        No matter what Michael said to him, Lucifer didn't listen. So, he confronted Lilith. Michael explained the woman as someone cruel who only wished to hurt others. He explained how she began twisting his words and feeding Lucifer lies. Their relationship became strained and one day, Lilith brought Lucifer to a party she knew Michael would be at. Michael only used parties for networking and securing relationships with others that may help him in the future. When he saw Lilith flirting with boys who weren't Lucifer, he confronted her. She denied everything and pushed him away. She then began screaming at him and acting strange. It was then Lucifer had returned. Again, she twisted everything and claimed Michael had came on to her. Michael denied it but Lucifer yelled at him.

         It seemed silly but it wasn't the end. Apparently, days later she had grown tired of Lucifer and decided to dump him. Lilith only wanted Lucifer to buy her nice things and never did love him. Of course, this was what Michael was saying and Castiel had no way to verify her motives but the fact was a few weeks before Lucifer quit college, she told him she had fallen in love with Michael and that she had been seeing him.

        Castiel supposed there were a lot of factors that brought Lucifer to Michael's dorm. Maybe it was the combination of their past competitions, jealousy and the situation then that made him punch Michael without even an explanation. Maybe it was a combination of Michael's frustration, anger towards being accused and the past that Michael fought back. Lucifer was beaten by Michael easily, Michael had always excelled in Martial Arts as a child, and decided to flee rather than continue fighting a losing battle. Before he left, he declared that he hated Michael and never wanted to see him again. Michael only responded by saying Lucifer was an idiot but gave him no explanation to why that was a fact. He was too angry to say anything more before throwing him out.

          After that, Lucifer couldn't handle school anymore and without Lilith telling him what to do and when to do it, he shut down completely. Lilith was emotionally abusive and had kept Lucifer under her thumb for so long, he forgot what it was like to be free. He forgot what it was like to think for himself. Michael should have been there to help him but he was too sore after the fight to bother with him. They stopped talking to each other completely and weeks later, Lucifer dropped out.

         “It's my fault he failed college and it's my fault he never amounted to anything.” Michael told him sadly. “It's my fault he's gone.”

          “Don't say that.” Castiel couldn't believe his brother thought it was all his fault. Perhaps he should have explained it better but he knew Lucifer was bitter enough to not listen. All this over a woman? Years of resentment over a toxic person? Castiel didn't know what to think of it. He never imagined it would be something so ridiculous. Love makes people into fools. He knew that before but it was even clearer today. He was a fool just like Lucifer. He clung to someone who only ever hurt him. “It's not your fault. Sometimes things happen and we can't control them. Sometimes, we have to let go of the past no matter how hard it may be to do so.”

          “All these years and all I can think about is what I did wrong.” What Michael said struck something in Castiel. All these years. If Castiel had confessed to Dean in high school and got rejected, would he still be pinning now? He should have confessed to him. He should have let it all out there before he left for Notre Dame so that he could heal properly there. All these years.

          Castiel checked his phone for the time and realized he had messages. Many of them, actually. Checking his inbox, he saw they were all from Dean. Why would Dean be texting him; wasn't he busy with his young girlfriend? Slowly, he opened each one and read them to himself:

             R u done with work yet?

            Don't work urself 2 death.

                  Ur phone on?

                 Goodnight, Cas.

        He should text back but he decided not to. He felt bad but he just couldn't talk to Dean right now. Where had he gone wrong? He was so sure they had been flirting but then again, he was bad at understanding others. Maybe Dean was just playing. Castiel sighed. He was a loser. He always got excited over nothing when it came to Dean. This was just another fair.

         He wanted to live his life but never truly did without Dean being in his mind. Even now, all he could think about was Dean and it was driving him crazy. He and Michael had a lot in common. They both messed up in the past and they both could never forget. Castiel supposed he would never forget Dean even if he did try to avoid him. Perhaps this was how his life was going to be, pinning over someone who would never love him. They couldn't go back and change the past. Michael couldn't get Lucifer to understand and Castiel couldn't get back the years he wasted away from Kansas. So, what could they do?

         Castiel sighed and put his arm around his brother's shoulders. There was nothing they could do but drink and try to forget. They could focus on their work later and try no to think about unhappy times. They will heal one day; everyone does. Perhaps one day, they will be free of the past but until then, they will have each other for support.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Say My Name by Destiny's Child (1999)

           Castiel had an awful hangover. He was sure his brother, Michael, was the one groaning in his living room. They both had work today; how could they have been so careless? To make matters worse, his phone began to ring loudly. The once pleasant tune was now like little hammers banging in his head. He had to silence it; even Michael groaned loudly to stop the noise.

          Groping around his side table, Castiel desperately tried to find his phone. The pounding in his head was getting worse and he needed to tell whoever it was to call back later. If it was work, he would definitely have to call out. He didn't know about Michael but he knew he couldn't carry on at work with such a headache. Answering the phone was the worst idea he had that morning though. Because the moment he clicked the answer button, all he heard was yelling.

          “He did it again.” Castiel winced at the sound of Meg's voice. He usually didn't mind it at all but with this headache and the loudness of it, he couldn't handle it. “I am done with him.”

           Done with him? Done with who? For a moment, Castiel had no idea what Meg was talking about. All he could think about was the pounding in his head but Meg continued on. She ranted about how he cheated on her several times and how she was foolish enough to believe he had changed. Of course, it was about her ridiculous boyfriend. Castiel never liked the guy and he did hope Meg meant it when she said she was done with him. She was his friend and she deserved to be happy.

           “But where are you to go?” Last Castiel heard, the two lived together. Meg had finished nursing school but hadn't found a job around the area. There were jobs to have but her boyfriend didn't want her moving anywhere to have them. Also, they had but one car and the dumb individual that she chose to be with wanted it for himself whenever he needed it. So, she couldn't just drive long distances to her job and without a job she couldn't get her own. So, Meg had to wait until there was an opening in her area but there hadn't been any.

          “I don't know. I have no job, only a couple hundred in the bank and now I have no where to live.” Meg sounded sad like she truly understood what the blinding powers of love had done to her. She could have been working as a nurse at a hospital an hour away or more truly tapping into what she had learned. She could have been making good money and didn't have to rely on an insincere person to come home and sometimes pay the bills while she could only search for small jobs in her area that she could walk to. Her boyfriend was always bad at paying bills on time but Meg had no one else to rely on. Castiel knew that she had no one in terms of family to support her. She had become trapped.

          Castiel knew the man was no good for her but no matter what, Meg was blinded by him. She slowly changed into someone who didn't talk back to him. Someone who accepted that he would do hurtful things like ogle a girl directly in front of her. She even stopped talking to Castiel because her boyfriend didn't like it. This day was the first time he had heard from her in months. Her boyfriend was a cruel, controlling individual that Meg was finally free of. He couldn't let her fall back into his trap. He had to get her far away from him.

           “Buy a ticket to Kansas.” Castiel suggested. In fact, he even offered to pay for the ticket if it was too much for her to purchase. He would even help her find some movers. There was bound to be jobs for nurses in the area and if there wasn't, Meg had somewhere to start. She could find a job elsewhere and Castiel would help her move to wherever the jobs were at.“I'll pick you up. Stay here a bit until you can get on your feet.”

          “Kansas?” Meg didn't sound like she was thrilled with the idea. “Really? Not my style.”

          “Meg. Please.” Castiel didn't have time to convince her but informed her that she had no options left. Meg told him that she would think about it and got off the phone.

           Michael woke up completely a few minutes later. He seemed to be going through the same symptoms Castiel had been suffering through. They knew they couldn't take a day off so, Michael drove them to work. On the way, Castiel explained Meg's predicament and how she never really got to be a nurse passed her intern years. Michael half listened since the pounding in his head must have been incredible as well but told Castiel that he'd look around for a job for her.

           They both suffered through work that day trying to pretend every greeting and blaring light didn't cause their headache to worsen. Castiel felt that he was allowed to look a little miserable. He wasn't of any high position and his subordinates all just nodded in understanding. They believed that he must have pulled an all nighter based on what Charlie mentioned when she greeted him. Michael wasn't allowed to look that way. He had to greet others with a sort of cheer that Castiel felt was impossible right now. Michael had to keep that confident business aura and that smile that made deals. How he was able to do it with such a horrible hangover was beyond Castiel's comprehension. If he hadn't seen it himself, he wouldn't have believed anyone was capable of doing it.

           Dean text him some more but Castiel was too busy with work to answer back; that was what he told himself at least. He didn't want to admit that he was ignoring Dean again. He didn't want to admit that he was heartbroken and bitter at the moment and the hangover didn't help. It was a horrible combination and he wanted nothing to do with Dean at the moment.

           It would be near lunch time that Meg would call again and agree to move in with him. His hangover hadn't completely gone away but at least Castiel was able to pretend better that he wasn't in complete agony. He got much more work done that day after his headache lessened. He wasn't sure how Michael was faring but it seemed he was doing better as well. From there Castiel planned out Meg's arrival as soon as possible. Natalie, Michael's secretary, planned out the moving company for him since Michael wanted to help. She'd be there in just a few days that way her loser ex boyfriend couldn't complain.

            Everything was arranged by the end of the day and Dean had stopped sending texts. Castiel hadn't even opened them afraid that if he knew what they said, he would try and respond. He didn't delete them though because he just couldn't. Castiel couldn't let go and he knew that was the problem he had. He just had to focus on work and getting Meg on her feet again.

          The day came that she arrived and he made sure her boxes came the very next day. Castiel had expected her ex to be cruel but not to throw her out that very day. Meg for the few days before her flight had lived in a motel room. If it wasn't for Castiel getting movers to help gather her things, she probably would have had nothing to bring to Kansas with her.

        “Let me help with your boxes.” Castiel said once he saw the small moving truck arrive.

         “Thank you for helping with the moving expenses.” Meg said with a small smile. It was the type of smile that showed happiness but also some embarrassment. Meg use to be a very strong willed and independent person. Even though her ex had changed her for the worse, she probably didn't like being helped like this but she needed this. She needed to get away from her toxic ex that almost took away completely the strength she use to have. “Brady was just going to throw everything out.”

        “He was not the right partner for you.” Castiel was glad she was over with him and hope that her next relationship would be the right one for her. She need someone to appreciate her for her and not try to change her into some ideal they had. Not belittle her or run off with others but to focus solely on her and treat her with respect.

        “I wish we could have worked out.” Meg sighed when she brought in one of her boxes.

        “That's the past, Meg.” There were no more feelings between them and besides, they didn't work because perhaps they were always meant to be friends.

        “Of course.” Meg nodded as Castiel went out to grab some more of her boxes. It was then that his phone, that he left charging by the coffee table began to ring. “Clarence, your phone.”

* * *

 

        Dean was tired of waiting; he had waited long enough. He figured Castiel was probably busy and that's why he didn't respond to his texts. Busy for three days straight? Dean was pretty sure he knew what this was: Castiel was ignoring him again. But why was he ignoring him? What had he done wrong?

        Dean wondered if it was because he was coming on too strong. It was true, when he saw Castiel again after all these years, he couldn't contain himself. It took him so long to realize that he was in love with his best friend and the moment he realized it, he was gone. So many years went by and he never found that feeling he had when he was with Castiel. Seeing him again, brought back so many good memories.

        He wanted to catch up with everything he missed, he wanted to know everything about him and perhaps he was a bit too eager. He could have sworn Castiel was flirting with him via text earlier or was he not? What if Dean read the signals wrong and alienated him? No, he couldn't have.

        Dean wasn't conceited but he was fairly sure he was a good looking guy. He had a lot going for him too. So, he didn't have a fancy job but he did have one hell of a car and he made Castiel laugh. Castiel never laughs with other people if his memory was correct. He actually makes him laugh. That had to account to something. But he and Castiel had been friends since the beginning, what if he just didn't feel that way about him?

        He'd ask Benny but Benny would only say “You'd have to ask him yourself.” He'd ask Victor but he would just tell him he didn't know what the hell he was talking about and that was it. He couldn't ask Sam since he had that crush on him before. Dean wasn't sure if he ever got over it. Sure, he dated others and he seemed to be moving along but so was Dean. Dean thought he had gotten over his teenage love but the moment he saw Castiel again, all his feelings came back.

        Maybe he was just over thinking this. Their flirting was subtle but it was obvious Castiel was flirting back. There was nothing but good vibes from the whole thing, there was no way he messed up. He had to have been busy or something had happened to him. Dean could feel his breath get caught in his throat as he thought about it. What if something had happened to him? He had to call him! He had to see if he was alright but the person who answered wasn't Castiel.

        It was some woman.

        “Who's this?” Dean may have sounded angrier than he had hoped to sound. The woman sighed dramatically over the other line and responded just as irritated.

        “Hey, you're the one calling.”

        “I'm calling Cas.” Dean checked his phone. This was Castiel's number but why was a woman picking up his phone? What was she to him? Dean knew Castiel never really had a preference either way but he had thought he was single. He had said he was single.

        “I'm Meg though it really shouldn't matter.” She told him. “I'm moving in today.”

        “Moving in. With Cas?” No, Castiel said he didn't have anyone. He said his last girlfriend stabbed him with a knife so why would he get with anyone so soon. She could be crazy too. Did they just get together? Wasn't this rushing things? Was this why he didn't text back recently?

        “Yeah, I'm just going to live here.” She said it as if that wasn't a big deal. It was. Who was she? Why was she going to live there? Why was she acting like it wasn't a problem? “Chill out.”

        “Who are you?” Dean asked her worry evident in his voice. “His girlfriend?”

        “No.” That was a relief. At least, Castiel was still single but why the heck was she there. Moving in? If she wasn't his girlfriend, why was she going to live with him?

        “He just lets strangers live with him?” Dean didn't understand why Castiel would do it. He knew he had a big heart but sometimes it was best to not care. He couldn't just grab anyone off the street and allow them to live with him not without a background check at least.

        “I am not some stranger.” The woman, Meg, told him. “Clarence and I go way back. We went to college together.”

        “Clarence?” Who was Clarence? Was she talking about Castiel? Dean found himself getting annoyed.“His name is Cas.”

        “I call him Clarence.”

        “You can't do that.” His name was Castiel. She couldn't just give him some nickname like that. Who did she think she was?

        “I can do whatever I want.” Meg told him getting equally angry back. “Clarence doesn't mind whatever I call him. We're busy so. Buh bye.”

        She hung up on him. Dean almost threw his phone across the room. He didn't care who Meg was. He didn't care why she was there, what her back story was or even if she was the sweetest person in the world. All he knew was he hated her.

* * *

 

        “Did someone call?” Castiel noticed Meg glaring at his phone as if it personally insulted her.

        “Yeah, a guy.” She didn't lie at least and that was something Castiel always liked about Meg. Even if she did something wrong, she owned up to it. A guy? What guy would have called him besides his brothers.“He seemed pretty angry at me for some reason.”

        “You hung up on him.” Castiel grabbed the phone to check his caller ID. That number. He knew that number! Dean had called him and Meg had hung up on him.

        Why would Dean call him after not texting him for a while? Castiel supposed he didn't realize he was ignoring him and just thought about giving him a friendly call. It had to be friendly and nothing more. Castiel remembered that night and that woman Dean was with. He couldn't get the images out of his head. There was no way the call had been anything more than friendly.

        But to hang up on him? That was beyond rude and Castiel should do the right thing and call him back. Call him back? What was he supposed to say? Castiel stared at his phone. Dean called him and Meg picked up, what if his misunderstood? What did it matter if he misunderstood? He already had someone else!

        “Well, he was being a jerk.” Meg told him and noticed the look on Castiel face. He didn't look away from his phone still lost in thought about what he should do with the situation. It didn't take a genius to figure out things were complicated between Castiel and the phone guy. “Were you waiting for someone to call you? Was it your boyfriend?”

        “I don't have a boyfriend.” Castiel told her annoyed that she probably understood what he was feeling at the moment. Meg always had a way of reading people. He had to keep his guard up and not let her see how much Dean meant to him. It wasn't because he feared something awful from her. He just didn't want to be teased about his crush mercilessly.

        “Boring.” Meg grabbed the box Castiel brought in and took it to her new room. Castiel was glad his apartment had two bedrooms. It really did come in handy in the end. Of course, now he had no idea where he would let guest sleep but the arrangement with Meg was only temporary. She'd be on her feet in no time.

        His phone rang and immediately, without looking at the caller ID, Castiel picked it up. If Dean was calling back he wanted to talk to him. He didn't know what he was going to say or how he was going to say it but he desperately wanted to set things straight. He couldn't believe himself. Why care about Dean misunderstanding if he already had someone? Nevertheless, he picked up the phone and tried pretending he wasn't expecting his call.

        “Hello?”

        “Castiel?” The voice on the other line wasn't Dean's at all. It had been so many years since he heard that voice, he almost forgot the sound of it. Castiel was dumbfounded. His hand loosened his grip on the phone and his mouth dropped open. His phone stayed by his ear as it was just barely staying in his hand. Why was he calling him? “I need help.”

        “Lucifer.” Castiel had never thought he would ever hear from him again. He was the one person he never expected to call him. He never thought anyone in their family would see him again. All these years and they never knew what had happened to him but here he was on the phone speaking to him. He needed help. What help? What had happened? How did he even get this number? “Where are you?”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette (1995)
> 
> Mainly for the lyric: "And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away."

        Lucifer was in Chicago living in a one bedroom apartment with his daughter. Daughter; Lucifer had a daughter. She was going to be seven this year and Lucifer was so proud of her. He worked three jobs to take care of her and provide her a nice life. From what he was told, Lucifer had been together with her mother all these years. Her mother was the woman Michael spoke about, Lilith. Lucifer was with her again, doing everything she wanted him to do. He cut all ties with his family just to be with her but he soon learned of her unfaithfulness.

        He thought they could work it out. He explained how he took on more jobs to give Lilith the life she wanted. Lilith complained that Lucifer didn't take more money with him when he left home. She said a lot of hurtful things to him but he just took it because he was convinced he was in the wrong. He stayed with her despite more problems arising and her frequently not going home because of their daughter. Muriel was worth all the pain. But things became clearer through those horrid years. Lilith didn't care for their child at all; they had her in daycare despite Lilith having no job what so ever. Lucifer took care of Muriel and even got the nice elderly lady next door to help at night when there weren't any daycare available. She babysat for free and with their bills piling up and Lilith's spending habits, they couldn't afford to actually pay her.

        Lilith ran out on them when Muriel was five. Lucifer struggled to care for his daughter for a whole year alone. Muriel knew something was wrong, she was just so smart. She didn't trust her mother at all no matter what kind words she said. Lilith had admitted before she left to never wanting to get pregnant or have Muriel. It was because she knew she could hold onto Lucifer if she had something tying him to her. Muriel was, to her, a means to an end. However, she hated how boring Lucifer became once she had the baby. Despite not hearing her mother say this, Muriel sensed her mother was the problem and not her father. She knew something was very wrong whenever her mother smiled at her. Lucifer said his daughter called it a fake smile.

         Before she left, Lilith tried to live her life regardless, using Lucifer's hard earned money, but she couldn't do all the things she wanted. She needed more money to go to the parties she wanted and get the new brand name items she felt she needed. She stayed with Lucifer as she went through countless other boyfriends. Some, Lucifer even caught her with but for Muriel's sake, he let it go. He didn't want Muriel growing up without a mother. Now, he knew growing up with one like Lilith was probably just as bad as having none at all. Lilith only cared about herself and Lucifer soon realized that every other word out of her mouth was a lie. She was a born liar and she was good at it. He was so sad he hadn't seen it sooner.

          Lilith came back on Muriel's sixth birthday and brought presents for her. Lots of expensive gifts and asked Lucifer if they could start all over. Muriel seemed happy to have her mother back so Lucifer thought to give it a try. They began dating and seeing each other but it wasn't long that Lucifer realized, Lilith wasn't being truthful again. She didn't have a job at all and the gifts weren't from her, they were from her wealthy husband. Lucifer realized he was the third party and she was telling her husband that she was just visiting her daughter.

          Of course, her husband wanted to meet Muriel and wanted her to join their family. Lilith didn't want her at all, saying the child ruined her style to Lucifer over the phone, but she never told her husband that. She just smiled and lied through her teeth that she wanted to care for her child. Lucifer received a note in the mail about attending court to fight over the custody of their daughter.

          As it usually goes, the court will try anything to keep a child with their mother. No matter what, they always favored the mother and with his financial situation, he wasn't going to win on his own. Lucifer spoke to a lawyer but they told him the only thing he could hope for is visitation rights or joint custody. He didn't want Lilith getting any custody; Muriel deserved better. So, he went to call home.

          He didn't want to worry his mother or his father with his problems, so he didn't call them. Gadreel and Balthazar were busy with their business and Lucifer wasn't sure how to contact them. Hannah and Anna weren't the types to depend on in this situation and he doubted Naomi would really sympathize with him. Bartholomew always looked down on people and Gabriel was never serious about things. Michael. He couldn't call Michael, not after everything that had happened, but he remembered Michael had promised Castiel a job. If Castiel by chance did work at his company, he would have access to the same lawyers Michael knew. Maybe there was a chance they could find better ones to argue his case.

         He called the company but Castiel wasn't working that day. It took a lot of effort on his part and a lot of calls but he was able to get the phone number. Lucifer was desperate and was so happy to be speaking with someone of his family. He hadn't contact them earlier when Lilith had first left because he was ashamed. He knew he had made the wrong decisions and now knew he had been wrong all this time. How could he face his family knowing this?

        But he had to do it now; Muriel's future was at stake. She was his beloved daughter and he wasn't going to let that evil woman take her from him. Lucifer begged Castiel to help him and to keep it quiet. Castiel reluctantly agreed. He didn't want to keep it a secret; he figured more people could help if they knew but he agreed to the terms.

        So, when his mother decided another get together was needed so that they could all meet Meg, Castiel found himself in a very uneasy state. It wasn't because his mother kept wondering if Meg and him were anything, though he kept telling her they were only friends, but because he wondered if he could keep his mouth shut. Lucifer was in a horrible predicament and Castiel really wanted to help him. He thought that if anything, Michael would be the best to help him but he knew Lucifer would never agree to letting Michael know.

        Castiel had took down Lucifer's contact information. He had his number and address on a piece a paper that he had placed in his coat pocket. He placed it there just in case he needed to look to it for any reason. He was going to give the information to one of the lawyers from the firm that their company works closely with. He wasn't sure if it was their area of expertise, they were a company firm, but he was sure they knew someone. That had to help his brother somewhat, right?

       He should have taken it out of his coat pocket the moment he heard they were going to have a get together at their home. He knew if he kept it in his pocket he would be tempted to speak of it. Everyone in their family was so worried about Lucifer; was it really alright to not speak of it? The whole drive there, he thought about it. He hadn't even explained anything to Meg but he did tell her not to tell anyone about who called him the other day. She didn't know why he wanted to keep a secret like that but he knew he could trust her.

       He had been silent the whole way to his family's home and he knew it must have been torture for Meg. Meg didn't like being silent at all. There had to be a moment to break the silence or she swore she would go insane. Usually, she broke the silence with a smart comment or a joke but since he begun the drive, not a word was spoken. She understood him more than many other people did. She knew his mind was weighted heavily with worry for his older brother. She may not have all the details but she could sense he was troubled. Castiel could see his uneasiness was making her the same way. Clearing his throat, he thought of something to break the silence for her sake.

      “I have plenty of brothers who are unmarried.” Castiel mentioned when they got to his family home. It was the first thing he thought of to make conversation. He knew she had just gotten out of a bad relationship but Meg should give an honest man a chance. Many of his brothers were good for her; they were loyal, caring and didn't need her working different jobs to support them. It would be good for her.

       “Clarence are you trying to set me up?” Meg asked after he parked the car in front of the house. Castiel wasn't sure what he should say. Really, in the beginning, he was only thinking of anything to say so Meg wouldn't feel uncomfortable. But it was true, he did think that one of his brothers would infinitely be better than that sorry sack of a man she had before. Any one of them would put him to shame.

        Before he could respond there was a knock on Meg's window. Gadreel had jogged up to their car and wished to speak with them. Castiel motioned to Meg and she rolled down the window to allow him to speak. Gadreel was always very serious not unlike Castiel but had a certain stiffness that Castiel had left behind years ago. He smiled politely at Meg but it was still a little awkward given that Gadreel has always been a little nervous around strangers.

       “Castiel, mother wondered if you would like to bring your friend to the parlor for a moment as she gets everything ready” That meant that she still hadn't prepared everything and didn't want her guest seeing her disorganized. Castiel nodded towards his brother.

       “Fair enough.” Gadreel smiled genuinely now and nodded. He jogged back to the house as Castiel took off his seat belt. After removing it, he turned to look at Meg since he heard no movement by his side. Meg was busy staring out her window watching Gadreel enter the house again. It wasn't until he was safely inside that she turned to look at him.

       “Set me up, Clarence.” She pushed his arm with urgency. “Set me up.”

       “That was Gadreel. He and Balthazar own a bar together in Kansas City.” Castiel was amused that Meg immediately changed her mind the moment she saw Gadreel. Gadreel was definitely her type. Well, the type that didn't include douche bags like her ex. The socially awkward, innocent type that Meg called Castiel once. Gadreel was very similar to him except he gained some sass working with Balthazar.

        “Hello, Gadreel from Kansas City.” Meg wiggled her eyebrows, smiled predatorily and turned back to look at his home. Her ex was forgotten and a new target had been acquired.

       They entered the parlor to be greeted by Hannah and Gabriel who were arguing about the best ice cream flavor. Castiel wasn't sure why they were but he didn't ask any questions. Inias was laughing on the couch with Balthazar doing something strange that the young man found hilarious. Castiel wished he would behave himself better especially around company. These strange jokes are humorous around family but could disgust guests.

       The door opened behind him as Meg squeezed next to Balthazar laughing loudly. She apparently didn't mind celery hanging from his mouth. Castiel sighed and turned to see who had entered. It was Michael looking very tired and a little stressed. Castiel smiled at his older brother politely and nodded his head in his direction.

       He became very aware of the piece of paper in his pocket.

* * *

 

       Not so far from his home, Dean was having his own family get together. Sam had a few days off from college and was enjoying a home cook meal. Mary was glad to have both her boys with her that night. It had gotten so lonely with just her and John. John no longer worked long hours but she needed more than just her husband sometimes. Sometimes she needed to see her sons and make sure they were alright. She worried constantly that Sam wasn't eating well in Stanford or that Dean would work himself to death. If she didn't make sure that they were alright, who would?

       They didn't have a fancy dinning room like Castiel's family but they didn't need one. Eating in the kitchen was just as good as long as it was filed with warmth and love. Sam spoke about his classes and Dean mentioned a few things about work. As always, John was the most quiet at their dinners. It was one of the reasons she started dating him, he just seemed to listen so well. It was later she realized he wasn't as much as a good listener as he was just not a talker.

       “Castiel's having dinner with his family today too.” Mary mentioned as she gathered some of the already finished plates. She just wanted to keep some conversation going. She didn't expect her eldest to suddenly look like he was struck with good fortune.

       “Oh, I might have to visit him.” He smiled more than when Mary mentioned there was pie for dessert. She looked over at him curiously and he seemed to notice her suspicion. Quickly, in order to hide his reaction, he nudged Sam and teased him. “Sammy you want to visit him too? See your first love again.”

       “I'm with Jess now, Dean.” Sam sighed heavily and shook his head. He didn't seem comfortable at all with the past being brought up like that. “I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring that up.”

       “Aw. My poor baby.” Mary quickly went to her youngest and rubbed his shoulders to comfort him. She was slightly amused and was teasing just a little when she spoke to her eldest. “He cried for days, Dean. Have some sympathy.”

       Sam wasn't upset with Mary even with her teasing. He couldn't see the amusment in her eyes or that her comfort wasn't completely genuine. However, he could see his father beginning to crack up as he turned to speak to Dean as well. John just wasn't as good as Mary when it came to hiding his emotions. If he found something funny, it was hard not to laugh.

       “Yeah, don't give your brother a hard time.” He said between chuckles and Sam gave him a tense look of disapproval.

       “Really, dad?” Tapping his mother's hands, Sam got her to release his shoulders. He dropped his napkin onto the table shaking his head.

       “I'm sorry.” John just couldn't stop laughing though and it wasn't helping him at all. Exhaling sharply in disbelief, Sam lifted himself from the table and hurried away. “Hold on. Sam! Come back.”

       “John.” Mary frowned at her husband as if the entire situation was his fault.

       “You started it.” John told her not willing to be the only one in trouble for Sam's reaction. Instead of agreeing with him, Mary smacked the back of his head. “Ow.”

       Dean chuckled as he saw his father, the man who could intimidate bikers into calling him sir, cower from his mother. John was holding his hands up in defense just in case Mary decided to strike him on the head again. He was smiling playfully at her and she mirrored the smile as she pretend to move towards him to strike his head again. John flinched and they both began giggling. Dean rolled his eyes at his parents' childishness. It was amazing how such older individuals could still act like that.

        After helping his mother clean up, Dean couldn't resist teasing Sam one more time. He offered to take him with him but Sam threw his pillow at the door and Dean took that as a no. It didn't bother him in the slightest since he wanted to see Castiel on his own anyway. Also, Sam may say he was over it but you never knew; he could be holding a torch for him all this time. With Castiel letting that strange woman live with him, Dean had enough competition as it was. He didn't need to throw his brother in the mix. Law student versus a mechanic? Dean knew who would lose.

        He drove up to Castiel's house a little later than he wanted to. It was already night and he was sure he saw Castiel's siblings leaving. It couldn't be helped since he wanted to spend some time with Sam since he rarely had time to come see them now that he was in college. Also, there was pie. How could he say no to pie. Despite how late it was, Dean had to admit he had good timing since his car approached the house just as Castiel was coming out the door. There were other cars all around and Dean would have to park behind one of Castiel's siblings' cars. He began parking when he saw a woman he didn't recognize walking out behind Castiel. She smiled at him and said something. Castiel was smiling back at her and nodding.

       Dean wished he had super hearing so that he could hear everything she was saying. His mind already was throwing in different scenarios; none of which made him feel any better. Then, she hugged him. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and Castiel reciprocated. He hugged her back! Was that the woman who picked up the phone and lived with Castiel? They looked so relaxed together and were smiling so much. Dean couldn't stand how much they were smiling.

       “Thank you, for everything, again.” He heard the woman say as they neared Castiel's car. Dean recognized the car since he was the one that got it to working order. Unfortunately, Castiel picked it up on a day Dean wasn't working. It was a shame; he would have wanted to hang out that day.

       “Let's just get home.” Home. Castiel mentioned it like they both were going to the same place. There was no doubt in his mind now; this was Meg.

       “Right away!” She said in a chipper voice and Dean wanted nothing more than to stop her from being so happy. He couldn't stand how she smiled at Castiel. What gave her the right to be so friendly with him?

       Castiel didn't even notice his car behind Gabriel's sports car. He knew his baby was black and it was quite dark but its shine and beauty was hard to miss even in the dark of night. Perhaps, Castiel was too into focusing on Meg to even care to notice his surroundings. This thought only made Dean angrier.

       He had to get out of there before any one else noticed him. He couldn't believe Castiel would get so close to a stranger in such a short amount of time. Sure, she knew him in college but Dean knew him since Kindergarten. They were best friends and if anyone should be living with him, it was him. She had no right being in a place that Dean was sure he belonged. Maybe Castiel just wasn't into him.

       They were friends for so long; they did everything together and they practically lived at each others house. They knew everything about each other and they were just great together. Yet, they never dated and Castiel left in the end. He left and Dean was alone in Lawrence having to deal with everything. All his plans were thrown out the window and Lisa still wanted to be with him back then. Ben wasn't his but he grew attached only to have the child ripped from him when things went sour with Lisa. He wasn't the father so he had no rights. Not to mention college wasn't easy for him. He had no one to study with and despite his mother encouraging him to make new friends, he just didn't. He was a mess, no longer knowing what to do with his life. All his friends had left and he had no one.

       Then Castiel came back and it was like he had a second chance. Then this woman appears and ruins it? Dean was frustrated. He didn't understand. Why didn't Castiel like him? He never had a problem picking up women and Castiel didn't care about gender. Was it because he was such a screwed up person that even someone as unpicky as Castiel wouldn't want him?

        He found himself at the Roadhouse drinking shot after shot. What had he done wrong? What did Meg have that he didn't have? Well, besides the obvious. He didn't like having his glass empty. Every time he saw the bottom clearly, he asked for more. After a while, Ellen quit giving him more and just stared at him.

        "You've had enough.” She told him as her daughter, Jo, reached over and pulled the glass from him. She was too young to work at the bar but visited her mother frequently. She already knew how to tend the bar even if she was only 19 but since the law was that she must be 21 to work there, she usually just sat at the bar and talked to Dean.

        Not tonight though, she could see he was troubled and no amount of talking was getting through to him. She just sat by him and instead of talking just watched how much he was drinking. She did whisper some to her mother but to him she said not a word.

        “Need me to call your ride?” She offered pulling out her cell phone.

        “No.” Dean shook his head. He didn't think he was so drunk that he couldn't go home by himself but he had a feeling Ellen and Jo wouldn't let him do it. So, he tried finding his cellphone, which was strangely harder than usual, and checked his contact list. With a smile and a drunken giggle, he picked one of the names at the top. “I got it.”

* * *

 

         Castiel was glad Meg had a good time at his family diner. Gadreel surprisingly was open to talking to her despite the way he always hid in his shell around strangers. Balthazar making him work as a bartender had really opened him up. Though he still spoke awkwardly and was confused when Meg mentioned pop culture references, Gadreel still engaged in conversations with her. This was something he wouldn't have attempted if he hadn't been working at the bars.

        Meg liked Gadreel more and more since the man didn't talk much and listened pretty well. He listened a bit better than Castiel would have. It wasn't that Gadreel didn't have his own thoughts, he just kept them to himself. He remembered that Gadreel was the type to even listen to someone he thought was spewing out nothing but lies and never say a word. He didn't like conflict and never liked to take over the conversation. So, him listening to Meg wasn't a sign that he actually liked her.

        It was in the way he looked at her that Castiel knew Gadreel found Meg interesting. Though he was silent about his feelings, Gadreel did tense his face if he didn't like someone. He rolled his eyes if he didn't believe them and despite having a mostly neutral look, Castiel always found him to be the most expressive that way. If he didn't like you, there were no words needed as long as you knew Gadreel as well as he did.

        So, asking Gadreel to exchange numbers with Meg wasn't as hard as Meg thought it was. Gadreel just didn't speak much and had a resting serious look. It didn't mean he wasn't interested at all in other people. He just had a hard time socializing and Castiel could completely relate to that. A lot of his family members were a bit strange in the eyes of other people. It was just how his family was.

         However, Meg thought Castiel had done some great feat and hugged him happily when he mentioned he gave her number to Gadreel. She was ecstatic to know that she was now in possession of his number as well. So, she hugged him completely forgeting the loser ex she left states away. It was better that way; Gadreel was a good man and Meg deserved to be happy.

         When they got home, Meg went straight into her room with her cellphone. Castiel wasn't sure why Gadreel told him that Meg could call anytime. It seemed that calling him so soon after they met and at such an hour shouldn't have been encouraged. He wondered if Gadreel knew Meg was going to call him immediately. He decided not to worry about it and just go to bed. He had done his job of helping her out; the rest was up to her.

          He felt like he barely slept when his cell phone began loudly ringing. He checked the clock; one am. He got home around eleven; that was only two hours of sleep. Why would anyone even call at this time? Looking at the caller ID, he realized it was Dean calling him. Dean would never call him at this late of time unless it was important. Maybe he should ignore it. What did Dean have that was so important? It wasn't like they hung out like they use to; why would Dean call for help? But what if he was calling for help? No one calls at this time just to chat.

        “Dean, it's one in the morning.” Castiel said the moment he answered the phone. There was some silence and then, suddenly, Dean began to sing.

         “Poor little Castiel. Straight from heaven he fell. He never truly fits in. As quiet as a kitten. I wonder if he's doing well.” It was that song Balthazar had made for him when he was still in elementary school. The song Dean used to say was a classic and would sing to tease him. He hadn't heard that song in so long.

         “Dean.” He was at a loss of what to say. Why was he singing the song? He kept singing it over and over. His words were a bit slurred and sometimes he forgot where he was in the song. He was definitely drunk. “Dean. Where are you?”

         “Roadhouse?” He said it as a question and Castiel knew this couldn't end well. He had to get to Dean before anything happened.

         “I'm on my way.” He should have called Dean's home instead. He remembered the number and they were closer but he didn't even attempt to call them. Dean would be embarrassed if his parents had came to pick him up but that was no reason to not call. But he remembered the situation with his brothers and how Michael spoke about thinking only about what he had done wrong. If Michael had spoken up about Lilith would Lucifer be in the situation he was in now? If Castiel never left, would he be living in that house with Dean? He never got over Dean being away from him and being able to see him regularly would have been great even if he had to deal with a bit of pain. He regretted leaving. He regretted not being there when Dean needed him the most.

        This was a chance to make another mistake but what was the mistake? Picking him up or leaving him? He got dressed quickly and drove to Lawrence as fast as he could. He didn't know why Dean called him and not the woman he left with the other night. He, also, didn't know why he was going despite knowing he could be opening the doors for more pain. All he knew was Dean needed him and unlike many years ago, he was going to be there for him.

         He wasn't going to make the same mistakes again.

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Celine Dion (1996)

        It wasn't hard spotting Dean when he entered the Roadhouse. He was slumped over the bar still singing that same tune happily. Castiel shook his head and went towards him but stopped when the same young woman he saw before sat next to him. What was she doing here? If she was here, why wasn't she taking him home. She couldn't be too young to drive; she was in a bar. She had to be at least 18. Maybe she didn't have a license. No, that wasn't right. She probably did have a license but if he remembered correctly, it didn't seem like she had a car.

        Perhaps that was why Dean gave her a ride that night. If that was the case, was she even his girlfriend? She could have left her car in the parking lot and rode in Dean's just for the night. Or maybe Dean just wanted to help her out and drive her home since she couldn't. No, the way they smiled and talked to each other was like they knew each other well. She was something to him and Castiel was almost certain a beautiful woman like her would be Dean's girlfriend.

        Also, it didn't really matter whether or not she didn't have a car or a license. Something was stopping her from driving and at the moment, it didn't really matter what it was. Her loss was his gain. Besides, he knew if she did only have a license, she still wouldn't be able to help. If she didn't have a car, there was no way Dean would allow her to drive his baby. Even in his inebriated state, he'd probably fight tooth and nail not to have anyone drive his beloved car. He was fiercely protective of it and Castiel knew of no one who was allowed to drive it besides Dean's own parents. So, she wouldn't have been able to take him home and that was probably why she sat beside him waiting for his ride instead. Having Castiel come pick him up was probably the best even if she was Dean's girlfriend.

        She looked at him a little confused at first but then nudged Dean to look over his way. At first, Dean was irritated that she interrupted his singing. He wasn't the best singer, Castiel knew that, but apparently, when he had enough, he thought he was God's gift to music. Finally, after the woman pushed him lightly again, Dean looked over in Castiel's direction. Suddenly, that grumpy face turned into the brightest smile Castiel had ever seen.

        “Cas, you came.” Dean spoke as if he couldn't believe Castiel was standing before him. Turning back to the woman next to him, he spoke to her with the same level of disbelief in his voice. “Look, Jo. Cas came.”

        “Yes, he did.” The woman, Jo, said. Castiel had heard her name before. She was the woman Dean offered to hook him up with. Dean wasn't the sort to try to hook up his own girlfriend so she couldn't have been with him at that time. This must have been a recent development or they were merely hooking up that night. But what hook up stayed by your side to wait for your ride? This was puzzling. “Go with him.” Jo shoved Dean off his chair and towards Castiel. It was a roughness he didn't expect from a girlfriend. Usually, when you loved someone, you didn't want them to be hurt. Maybe she knew Castiel would catch him in his arms quickly. He didn't know why she would know Castiel was willing to race up to him and catch him before he fell to the floor, but he didn't ask. “Cas, the amount of alcohol in his system could have brought bigger men down much sooner than him. I tried stopping him but it didn't take until he was long gone. So, stay with him tonight.”

       “Will do.” He was a little bothered by the fact that she was instructing him what to do with his own friend. He knew Dean since kindergarten; of course, he knew what to do when he was in this state. Did she think he would just leave him when he was drunk enough to sing a short song on repeat without any breaks?

        Castiel tried helping Dean to his car but ended up dragging him. Dean wasn't cooperating at all with him and just kept talking about things Castiel didn't understand. He was going on and on about how he missed the flight. He kept saying it was the worse thing he could have done but none of it made sense. Castiel didn't know what he was talking about but decided not to ask. There were more important matters to attend to like getting to his vehicle. He spotted the impala on his way to his car. He supposed he would help him get the impala in the morning after Dean was sober enough to drive it. Until then, he would have to get Dean to his house safely.

        The ride was uneventful for the most part. Dean kept mumbling to himself about nonsensical things and began singing loudly Air Supply's All Out of Love. Castiel didn't even have the radio on so there was no reason for this song to pop into Dean's mind. It was a horrible rendition. He tried to focus on the road pretending he couldn't hear him at all. How did he even get this drunk? He didn't know Dean when he began drinking on a normal basis but he remembered the night they met before. Dean had mentioned he was good at holding his liquor. Even Jo mentioned that he drank enough to bring bigger men down. Exactly how much did he drink?

       Dean stumbled towards his porch once they reached his home. Castiel hoped he was clear enough to open his own door but there was no such luck that night. Instead of even attempting to get inside his house, Dean sat down next to the door with a small chuckle. He made no effort to even turn to his door or even ask for help. He just went back to singing that ridiculous song he had called him with. This was getting ridiculous.

       Castiel reached down and patted Dean's pockets in order to search for his keys. Dean squirmed a bit and whined that Castiel was bothering him. Well, he wasn't quite sure if Dean knew who was bothering him. He didn't understand how his friend would get so drunk. The smell of the alcohol on his breath was so potent that Castiel almost cheered out loud when he found Dean's keys.

        “Is this your key?” Castiel picked out one of the few keys on his keyring. Dean looked up a little confused with half lidded eyes.

        “Key for what?” He might as well have been talking to himself because Dean wasn't really listening. Even if he showed him the keys, he doubted he would point out which one was which. He doubted Dean even knew where he was at the moment.

       Something had to have happened to him to make him like this. He remembered when Michael got drunk it was because of the guilt he had felt about Lucifer. Dean had to have been drinking away his feelings. It was the only answer to all of this but what feelings was he trying to forget. There was no use asking him now since he was too far gone. It was just like he wasn't going to be able to ask about the keys either.

       “I'll figure it out.” In the end, if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself. Castiel looked through the keys trying each one until one of them opened the front door. With a smile, he tried getting Dean up to his feet; the man refused. “Come on, Dean. Your legs aren't made of lead.”

        It was back to dragging him again. Castiel decided what Dean really needed was to sleep this off. He was going to have a major hangover when he woke up and Castiel was sure if he was coherent enough to understand that, he would have regretted all those shots he drank. It took him a while, since he never did get a tour of the home before, but he found Dean's bedroom. Dean was giggling and saying more nonsense throughout the whole search not even caring how heavy he was for Castiel to drag about.

        Dropping him on his bed, Castiel moved to take his shoes off. It wouldn't be so bad if Dean had been a little helpful while he was drunk. Castiel didn't ask for much; he just wanted to be at least pointed into the right direction. It would have saved him the hassle of opening the bathroom door and then realizing it must be the next door near it. With a sigh, he went to help Dean take off his jacket when he turned to look at him with a strange smile on his face.

       “Cas, you came back.” He said it like he had expected Castiel to never return. It wasn't like he had gone anywhere anyway. He had been helping him get into his bed this whole time.

         “I've been here this entire time.” Castiel was annoyed that Dean would allow himself to become this state. No matter how much pain you feel, you shouldn't drink yourself into such a stupor. Castiel knew he was probably being a hypocrite. Just a week ago, when he saw Dean with Jo, he had drank enough to probably cause him to be just as unreasonable. However, having to drag Dean around, stop him from doing something ridiculous and having to hear the nonsense he kept singing and saying was enough to make anyone irritated.

        After helping him remove his jacket and placing it on the chair nearby Dean's bed, Castiel tried getting him to stay still and sleep. It was easier said than done since despite being completely drunk, Dean was not ready to sleep so soon. When he finally got Dean under his blankets and calm, he was going to leave. If Dean was asleep, he couldn't get into any trouble and he supposed he would wake up with a bad headache but it was nothing to worry about. He probably should sleep on the couch just in case. Castiel sighed. He should make sure he was alright. That's all he was going to do, there was no other reason to why he wanted to stay there that night.

         “Don't leave me, Cas.” Dean suddenly said while Castiel tried to move away from Dean's bed. “You were right. I didn't want to go on my own. I was scared, Cas. I was scared.”

         “Dean.” It was all Castiel could say in response. He had no idea what Dean was going on about. Scared? Of what? Castiel couldn't recall anytime, since he returned back to Kansas, that he mentioned Dean was afraid. If anything, they only amused themselves with small talk and a few texts. What was he going on about?

         “Hold my hand, Cas.” It took a moment for Castiel to understand what he was trying to say and where it was coming from. At first, he thought Dean just wanted to hold his hand for no reason at that moment but then he remembered when they were once scared. When Dean had refused his hand and told him he wasn't afraid. They had just met that day but that was so many years ago. Castiel remembered it well though. He remembered the old shack and the bullies. He remembered Dean coming to help and the warmth of his hand. They were in kindergarten then but now they were already adults. The event where Castiel offered to hold Dean's hand if he was scared took place twenty years ago; why was this coming back up?

        “Dean, you aren't a kid anymore.” Castiel told him slapping his held out hand out of the way. Dean made a small whining sound but said nothing else. “You're 25.”

         He was too far gone at the moment especially if he was replaying the day they first met. Castiel should just let him be and get some sleep. He was probably going to miss work staying here but he still had other responsibilities to take care of the next day. He would call work and explain something to them. He knew he shouldn't tell them what really happened.

         Before he could leave, however, Dean did something he never expected him to do no matter how drunk he may be. He grabbed his arm and pulled him into the bed. Castiel felt himself crash onto Dean and he immediately tensed. This wasn't good; he had to get up. He jumped up but before he could get off the bed, Dean wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, his chest against his back. What was this? This had nothing to do with when they were children.

          “I missed you.” Dean breath was against his neck. Castiel didn't know what to do. This was too much. He didn't expect to feel Dean's body heat so close and to smell him so clearly. This wasn't fair. He had loved Dean for so long and had done everything he could to suppress those feelings. How could this happen to him? He was too weak with his own feelings weighing him down; why did Dean have to take advantage of it? He knew it was impossible that Dean knew of his feelings but what was he supposed to do now? He didn't want to leave Dean's arms but he knew he had to. He had to get away. Pulling away from him, Castiel turned to tell him to sleep.

         “Look, Dean-” He never got to say anything else as Dean pressed his lips against his. Castiel's eyes widened in shock and any words he was going to say left his brain entirely.

Dean was kissing him.

**Dean was KISSING HIM**!

        He was drunk and probably didn't know what he was doing. Dean didn't like other guys; Castiel had never seen him with another man, so this had to be the product of alcohol. He should push him away and lay him down. He should just leave the room and sleep on the couch but he didn't. Dean was kissing him and all Castiel found himself able to do was kiss him back.

         All this time he had suffered with this one sided love. He had always yearned to be held tightly in Dean's arms as he was at that moment. Castiel kissed back with all the strength and passion he never thought he would ever be allowed to release from his heart. He allowed himself to enjoy the desperate kisses Dean was showering him with. He deepened the kiss thinking back to every time he never got to have this moment. Every time Dean left with another girl on a date or when he was with Lisa. For this moment, Dean was his.

         He could hear Dean whisper his name as he trailed kisses down Castiel's neck, his hands roaming underneath Castiel's buttoned up shirt. Castiel never thought in a million years that Dean would ever want to touch him like this. Yet, here he was being pressed down against the bed as Dean worked on removing Castiel's shirt as quickly as possible. Castiel was going to allow him to do so as well if the circumstances were different but they weren't.

          It wasn't right. Dean was drunk and it was wrong to take advantage of him. Reluctantly, Castiel forced himself to push Dean away. He had to; it was only right. Dean's lips were swollen and the look he gave him was enough to fill his fantasies for a life time. Castiel didn't know if he could hold back and really leave the room with that sort of look on Dean's face. Then, Dean turned away and vomited on the floor.

           At least, that problem was solved. He pushed Dean back against the bed and surprisingly, the man decided that now he would stop fighting sleep. Of course, now after he had made a mess of the floor and Castiel's mind, he would sleep like he hadn't done a thing. Like he hadn't ruined everything. This was more than just a little ridiculous. This was downright frustrating. Whatever mood was there before, when they were kissing earlier, was completely eliminated. Castiel sighed heavily. He had a lot of cleaning up to do and it was probably best if he forgot about what he and Dean had done just moments earlier. He was sure when Dean woke up, he probably won't remember anything and if he did, Castiel should just laugh it off or something. He didn't want to face Dean about what had occurred so it was best to forget it happened. He would feign ignorance if Dean brought anything up. Yes, it was best to forget they ever kissed. It never happened.

         Castiel could still feel the tingling on his lips. It never happened. How could he convince himself that what he had yearned for for years never happened? He wasn't going to be able to. Everything was different now and he didn't know if it was for better or worse. All he knew was that he had had a taste of Dean. He was able to know how it felt being in his arms and being loved by him. There was no way he was going to give that up. He couldn't back down now but what if he was rejected?

         Castiel focused on cleaning Dean's room and tried not to think of what may happen when Dean woke up. There could be a chance. He'd have to figure it out once he saw Dean's reaction. Until then, he should forget about what just happened and go to sleep on the couch. He'll handle everything in the morning. Right now, he should just focus on cleaning up and going to sleep. But Castiel found it hard to forget how perfect it felt having Dean's lips on his. He feared he never would be able to forget that moment no matter how hard he tried.

        This was bad.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation (Strangely) Mmmbop by Hansen
> 
> The song is actually about how we choose to use our time on Earth. Weird huh? O.o

        Dean woke up later than Castiel. Well, not actually. Waking up later would mean that Castiel had had some sleep and unfortunately, that wasn't the case. If he did fall asleep during the night while he was worrying, it was too short to remember. Also, he didn't feel like he slept at all so he could only assume the whole night really was spent staring at the ceiling worrying about what Dean would say once he woke up.

        He heard Dean groan when he was waking up and debated whether to pretend to be sleeping or act like everything was fine. He chose the latter. He got up, dusted off his clothing and prepared a glass of water and some pain medication for Dean. The only way to deal with this was to face it head on. If Dean remembered last night, it may come up or it may not. Castiel should be prepared for anything.

         When he entered the room, Dean was still sitting on his bed looking very confused and a little upset. Castiel feared he was replaying last nights events in his head and felt disgusted by it. He watched in worried anticipation as Dean looked onto the floor and around him. Any moment now he was going to bring it up; Castiel just knew he was going to. He was done for. What excuse could he even make?

         “I'm wearing clothes.” Dean finally said and it was Castiel's turn to be confused. Why did he sound so disappointed? Was he expecting to wake up next to some woman after a wild night? So, did that mean he didn't remember a thing? Castiel was sure he should have been relieved. He was worrying about this all night but he felt a bit disappointed as well.

         “Yes.” He placed a glass of water on Dean's nightstand with some pain medication for the headache Dean undoubtedly had. “These are for you.”

         “I thought maybe- ow.” There was the headache. Castiel moved away wondering what it was Dean had been thinking. This whole situation was awkward and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Dean kissed him last night. Even though he was drunk, he had kissed him and said his name. It would have been different if he had said a woman's name instead but he didn't. There had to be some attraction if that happened, right?

         This was not the time to think about it. He already called in at work a few moments before he heard Dean wake up. However, that didn't mean he was completely free to stay in Dean's home all day. Part of him would love to stay here longer but the other part knew this was a really awkward situation and felt uneasy staying. Dean may not remember but he did and he felt a bit guilty taking advantage of his friend like that.

         “I have to get going.” Castiel announced as he turned to leave the room. Dean jumped from his bed looking very confused.

         “Why?” He must not have remembered anything. There was no way he would be jumping off his bed like that if he knew how Castiel took advantage of him. He wouldn't have wanted him to stay if he knew.

         “I have to get back.” Castiel couldn't think of a great excuse even though he knew he had other responsibilities besides work. However, those responsibilities were so miniscule and didn't need to be taken care of today. He could hold off on picking up his dry cleaning or re-upping his membership to the gym near his apartment building.

          “You already missed work.”

          “Yes, but I would like not to be behind on anything else.” He could see Dean wasn't convinced. He had to say something to let him know he was actually busy and wasn't trying to just leave. “I have to pick up my suits and Meg.”

          “Meg.” Dean frowned once he heard her name. Of course, Castiel had lied about having to pick up Meg. She could get around on her own at the moment and he had nothing planned with her. Dean probably didn't know who she was so he decided to finish Dean's sentence, if he was even attempting to say a sentence.

          “Is my friend.” He cleared it up for him. If there was any misunderstanding over who she was to Castiel, he wanted to put it to rest. “And that's all. Well, could be my sister-in-law if she and Gadreel keep talking the way they have been.”

          Dean's face brightened immediately as if that was the best news he had ever heard. Castiel felt hope rising up in him again. Dean had kissed him regardless if he was drunk or not. He had said his name during their brief moment in each others arms. He was willing to go further with Castiel if he hadn't stopped him from doing so. Now he was smiling like that? Maybe there really was a chance.

         “So, you and her aren't...”

         “No, Dean. We aren't.”

         “Cas, I wa-”

         “Drink.” Castiel pushed the glass of water towards him. He didn't want to stay long even if there was a chance. He couldn't forget the night before and being near Dean while that memory was fresh in his mind, wasn't a good idea. “Your Impala is at the Roadhouse but you'll have to walk to get it.”

         “Wait, Cas.” Dean stopped when Castiel looked at him. He looked uncomfortable and for a moment, Castiel feared he realized what had happened last night. But Dean didn't say a word of it. Instead, he just shook his head and sighed. “I'll call you.”

          “Preferably, when you aren't inebriated.” Castiel joked with a small smile but beneath it, he was unsure whether to still worry or feel relieved. He decided it was just best to leave before Dean said anything else.

           He regretted not driving Dean to his car when he drove near the Roadhouse. It wasn't a short walk from Dean's home and it was rude of him to leave him like that. Did Dean really forget what happened last night or did he just not bring it up? He thought back to Dean's expressions. He seemed troubled by something and Castiel knew it was either whatever got him drunk in the first place or last night.

          If he did remember, why didn't he say anything? Maybe Dean was trying to save Castiel from awkwardness or maybe he was ashamed. Castiel hoped it wasn't the latter. Also, he looked so happy when he said Meg was just a friend so, maybe is wasn't because he was ashamed. Then again, Dean always seemed to be bothered by anyone Castiel went with. He remembered how Dean childishly handled him going out with Ephraim in high school. Maybe that was the same thing.

         He should have kept going pass the Roadhouse but he noticed someone that caused him to stop; Jo. Jo was Dean's girlfriend wasn't she? Why didn't Dean whisper her name when he kissed him? Maybe something was wrong between them or maybe Dean didn't truly love her. It was despicable to be hoping that Jo was unloved in a relationship but he couldn't help it. He envied her but it wasn't her that Dean kissed last night.

          Perhaps he was possessed suddenly by some demon or out of his mind but he ended up parking at the Roadhouse. He didn't even think when he entered the Roadhouse to find Jo sitting on a stool alone looking bored. All he could think of was the night before and how Dean could possibly have an attraction for him. He couldn't just let that slide and if Jo was Dean's girlfriend, he wasn't going to let that slide either. He will not sit idly anymore especially if there was a chance.

           “I kissed Dean.” He don't know what made that the first thing out of his mouth but he said it before he could even stop himself.

          “Okay?” Jo looked at him confused and slightly concerned. He expected more of a reaction from her. Perhaps she didn't really understand the weight of his words.

          “I kissed him multiple times and I enjoyed it.” He told her seriously expecting her to jump off the stool angrily or call him disgusting. He didn't care what she did. He was going to let her know where he stood no matter what. “And I'm not sorry.”

         “Congratulations?” She shrugged as if she didn't even care that he kissed her boyfriend. Did she think he was just playing around?

          “I love him.” He said. “I tried to run away and not love him but I can't. So, I'm telling you right now that I'm going to pursue him and I don't care what you say or what you are to him.”

          Jo blinked looking very confused. She stared at him for a while without a word. Castiel was expecting her to say anything. Maybe yell at him or tell him he was being ridiculous. Perhaps inform him of her place in Dean's life or stress that Dean's straight. Anything would have been fine; Castiel was prepared for it. Well, he thought he was until she began laughing.

          “Why are you laughing?” Castiel was challenging her. He was telling her that he was her rival; what was humorous in that? “You don't think I'll win? Because I assure you that I do have an upper hand. I have known Dean since we were in Kindergarten.” She began laughing even harder that Castiel was beginning to lose his patience. “What's funny?”

           “Dean and I are just friends.” She finally said but Castiel wasn't sure he heard right.

           “What?”

         “We're just friends. He thinks of me as his sister.” She smiled at him clearly amused by his mistake. “I mean. Yeah. I had a crush on him before and we tried dating last year but it just wasn't right. He's all yours.”

         Castiel felt very embarrassed. Of course, Dean wouldn't have gone into a relationship so soon but why didn't he even consider the possibility that Dean was just friends with her. He guessed that because of his high school experience, he never even thought of it. Dean didn't really have female friends back then. He just had a long list of ex girlfriends and girls trying their best to be with him. He wasn't the same as he was back in high school so why did he think Dean was? Was it because he didn't even want to think of him as anything different in order to keep his distance?

          “I made a fool of myself.” Castiel didn't even look directly at her anymore.

         “No, well, sort of.” Jo giggled a bit. “It was cute though.”

         “I'm going to leave now.” This was beyond awkward and he really needed to get going.

         “Alright.”

          It was because of his ridiculous assumptions that he got himself into this mess. Perhaps instead of just assuming the worse, he should ask. Could there be more things he assumed incorrectly? Did Dean remember last night and what they did? Dean didn't seemed bothered by it and if he did remember, did that mean Castiel had a chance? If he learned anything from his embarrassing moment at the Roadhouse it was that he should ask to make it clear. However, the idea of asking Dean if he remembered made him uneasy. Maybe he would put it off for a bit.

           Dean did seem upset he had to leave and that made Castiel feel very warm. He knew that there was a chance that Dean just wanted him around as a friend but considering everything that had happened, Castiel couldn't help hope growing in his heart. He should ask about the night before. He should get his facts straight but he was afraid. Maybe he would test Dean's feelings for him. Maybe that would be a little less awkward. Even though he still felt a bit guilty, he was getting over it quickly. If Dean had feelings for him, he wouldn't feel so bad about kissing him. It wasn't like he truly took advantage of him. It would be alright if that was the case. Castiel could hardly wait to see him again.

         He went home and changed his clothes quickly. Meg was no where to be found but Castiel didn't question where she had gone. Instead he put his dry cleaning receipt in his coat pocket and hurried out the door. When he picked up his clothes, he tried not to think too much about what had happened. Thinking too much got him in that embarrassing situation. Maybe there was a chance but he wouldn't know unless he asked. He had to be proactive and forget what happened in the past.

         The lady at the counter requested to see his receipt before handing him the clothes. Castiel reached into his pocket and instead of bringing out the receipt at first, he brought out Lucifer's contact information. He had almost forgotten that he had put it in his pocket. Quickly, he moved to grab the receipt instead and present it to the lady but the other paper remained in his mind.

          He had a chance to change things with Dean. Even if it didn't work out, it was worth a shot. Perhaps, he wasn't the only one with a chance. He had called out of work that day but there was something urgent he had to attend to there. He dealt with the receptionist's confused look as he passed her to go to his brother's office. He didn't even head the secretary trying to stop him from entering the office.

         “Michael, there's something I need to discuss with you.” Castiel said immediately when he entered.

         “I have a meeting in a few minutes, Castiel.” Michael was gathering papers and putting them quickly into his briefcase. He closed it up and hurried towards the door. “Anything you wish to discuss can wait.”

          “It's about Lucifer.” The moment he mentioned his other brother's name, Michael stopped dead in his tracks. “He called me.”

           Turning around slowly, Michael looked back at his little brother with a mixture of emotions on his face. It was like he wasn't sure what to feel at that moment; Castiel couldn't blame him for that. He knew how much Michael blamed himself for Lucifer's disappearance. He, also, knew that he was the perfect person to help with the situation. Lucifer needed the resources Michael could easily get. Castiel would have had to ask Michael for them and he wasn't even sure how Lucifer thought he would have done it.

           “We can't change the past but that doesn't mean we can't make things better from now on.” Castiel dug into his pocket and pulled out Lucifer's contact information and held it out. Hesitantly, Michael took it from him. “Maybe you can tell him everything you wanted to tell him before.”

           There was a moment of silence between them where Castiel could tell Michael was thinking about this. He understood all the hard work he had put in the company and how important this meeting probably was. Castiel didn't mind if he had to still go to the meeting first. Even though Lucifer was in a tough spot, it wasn't necessary to deal with it right away. However, Michael didn't budge; he just stood there looking conflicted.

           “Tell Natalie.” He spoke hesitating a moment before continuing. “I'm leaving early today and may not come in tomorrow.” He opened his brief case and handed Castiel a bunch of papers. They must be for the meeting. The meeting Michael wasn't going to attend. He couldn't help smiling at that as he held the papers close and nodded.

           “I will.”

          It was time to look forward and no longer backwards. They no longer needed to think back to what they had done wrong because no one can change the past. Michael wouldn't be able to go back to his college days and Castiel would certainly be unable to go back to high school. What was done was done and they both understood that. However, today was a little different as they both saw hope. Michael saw it in a piece of paper and Castiel had seen it in a beautiful smile.  It was time to make the future better for the both of them.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recommendation: All By Myself- Celine Dion (1996)

        Sam was having the worse day of his life. He couldn't believe everything that had happened over the past few days. He knew he should just focus on school and forget the betrayal of his friends and his broken heart but he just couldn't. He found himself losing focus and he knew he had to take a few days off to recuperate. He knew that summer break wasn't too far away and finals was coming up the week after next. He had to get prepared for them and if he couldn't focus, how was he going to pass? He needed some mental health days.

        The first day in his now empty apartment was torture. He didn't skip class even though he wanted to but he didn't really pay attention either. He couldn't use anywhere in his apartment to study because he found himself unable to focus on his work. Everything reminded him about his friends and her. He had to get out of California and find some place quiet. He needed to go home.

       He didn't call his parents because he was afraid they would worry. He didn't call Dean either because he was sure he would worry just as much but he really had no where to go when the plane landed. He got a taxi and decided the best place to go to would have to be Dean's, even if he did worry as much as his parents. At least, he would only deal with one worried person and not a pair.

        “Sammy, welcome home.” Dean was understandably confused when he greeted Sam at the door. Sam didn't want to talk about what had happened. He just needed a place to crash and he knew Dean had that spare bedroom. He had decorated it and stocked it with books but it wasn't for Sam. The door always remained locked as well which was no way to treat a guest room. Most people had a guest room for guests.“Stanford had a break I didn't know about?”

        “It's just a weekend, Dean.” Sam sighed as he pushed past him and walked into his home.“I just needed to stay here to clear my head.”

        “You wasted a plane ticket for a weekend?” Dean walked over to the television and lifted the angel statue on top of it, that their mom placed in Dean's room before he was even born. It was a creepy little cherub with a serene smile. Dean treasured it and brought it to his new home even if it didn't match the decor. Underneath the angel was a key, that Sam had been waiting for. “Do you have class Monday?”

        “I can afford to miss a few classes.” Sam took the key from Dean and opened up the guest room.

        It was a boring looking room that Sam was amazed Dean decorated. Everywhere around the house were posters of bands Dean liked, pictures of family and even framed drawn pictures from when Sam was a child. Sam had begged him to take down some of his childish drawings but Dean refused and said they were awesome. There were also shelves with little odds and ends Dean had put up. He was a sentimental guy and had lots of things that reminded him of family and friends all over his home. However, this room had nothing on the walls. There wasn't even one of those print paintings that people like to buy for their homes. The only things in this room was a small dresser, a night stand on either side of a full size bed, an empty desk, a chair and a book shelf. On one of the night stands was an old looking lamp. The same was on the desk. The bookshelf was stuffed with a bunch of technical, historical and educational books. Every time Dean passed by a book that seemed like it was boring and full of big words, he bought it and placed it in the shelf.

       The bed was nothing spectacular except those dull gray sheets were made of silk. They were the softest things Sam ever felt and he was sure was the main reason the door was locked. Dean was very protective of those sheets because they cost him a small fortune. He was even fussing about it the moment Sam sat down on the bed. Sam had slept in this room many times in the past, when he needed to get away from his parents for a while, but he had never been able to sleep with those sheets. So, stingy.

       There was a reason though. Sam and his family knew of it but they didn't talk about it. This home was supposed to be Castiel and Dean's. When Lisa and him didn't work out, Dean bought this home as it was still for sale. Apparently, it was too rundown for most people to want to buy it but there were a few that wanted to buy just the land. Their father knew some people and was able to get the house for Dean. Since Dean was so down from losing Ben after he had grown attached to the babe and was having trouble acquiring the home, their father did his best to make sure Dean got it. Once he got it, he was much happier. No longer was he preoccupied with his failed relationship. He focused on how he had always wanted the home. But this room, was decorated last.

       This room was supposed to be Castiel's and even though it was a few years after their graduation, Dean still remembered everything they had planned and never strayed from it. Castiel's room took longer to decorate since Dean didn't have the kind of money Castiel did but in the end he turned it into the room he believed Castiel would have enjoyed. The only problem was that he wasn't there to enjoy it. Sam and his parents knew they should have said something but decided that as long as Dean was happy or at least coping, they weren't going to say anything about it. This was how he dealt with the loss of his best friend and his relationship with Lisa.

       The whole room was brought together in boring browns, grays and white. But what really drove in the idea that this room was meant for Castiel was the picture on the other end table. At first, Sam questioned what kind of room he was making. Dean said it was for Sam telling him that he liked all these sort of things. It is true that Sam liked to learn and didn't have much on his walls in his room but his room wasn't bare. In the beginning he actually believed that Dean was decorating a room just for him. It made sense at the time. But why was the dresser so small, Sam didn't primarily hang his clothing but he knew someone who did. He, also, had no need for silk sheets and if he had gotten it for him, why can't he sleep in them? Then, he saw the picture and just knew it was never meant for him. It was a picture of Dean and Castiel eating ice cream at the stand nearby. Sure, Sam was in the background but the main focus was on those two.

        “Sammy, this isn't like you.” Dean spoke bringing Sam away from his musing. He sighed heavily and sat back down on the now sheet-less bed.

        “Brady stole my essay and was trying to pass it as his own.” Sam explained looking down at his shoes. It wasn't what was really bothering him but it did add to his stress.

        “What?”

         “It's for the final grade and I had to turn him in.” Sam remembered the argument they had. He remembered showing the professor when his file was created and challenging Brady to show a sooner date. Also, the fact their writing styles were so vastly different that the professor really didn't even need to see the file dates to know that the paper wasn't his. Brady, of course, didn't take being outed so well even though he was the one in the wrong. “So, we aren't friends anymore.”

       “Well, you have other friends.”

       “Matt took his side.” Sam told him. “Saying it was low to turn on a friend.”

       “It's low to steal from a friend too.” Dean looked more angry than Sam even felt. “Matt was an asshole anyway. Really, you are going to skip school because of those two morons?”

       It wasn't because of those two he went on this mental health day. Sure, they contributed to his stress but he could care less about those two not friends. It was what happened a week later that really bothered him. He didn't even know why it had happened but he knew he couldn't hide it from Dean. He was going to have to tell him eventually.

       “Jess and I broke up.”

       “What?”

      “I don't know why.” Sam knew the excuse Jess gave about how they seemed to live in two different worlds but that didn't make any sense to him. They both lived near and went to Sanford. He was going to be a lawyer and she was going to be a doctor. They were both going into highly respected professions and they had so much in common. Why would they be in different worlds? “I thought we were doing well.”

       “Well, uh. Her loss. You'll find someone better but uh.” Dean looked away from Sam and with a very small voice said “Cas is off the menu.”

        “What?” Sam was confused. Why did he even bring up Castiel at a time like this? He knew Dean and him were friends again but that had nothing to do with Sam's situation.

         “I know you are back being single but Cas is taken.” Dean told him very seriously. He had to be joking. Sam wasn't even thinking of getting with anyone at the moment. Why did he get teased about this all the time? It had been years!

         “Are you guys ever going to let me live that down?”

          “Never.” Dean smiled wide but it wasn't the same like he usually did when he teased him. This was a genuine smile that he hadn't seen on his brother for a long time.

         “Why are you smiling?”

         “Just thinking.” Thinking? Sam couldn't imagine a thought that would make his brother that happy. Maybe it was something really interesting or someone.

         “About Cas?” Sam teased and that was all he was going for. He just wanted to tease Dean back. He didn't expect his brother's smile to get even wider and a slight blush to tint his cheeks. “Dean. You and Cas?”

          “What can I say?” Dean looked very smug as he shrugged. “I'm irresistible.”

         “Figures.” Sam felt more irritated knowing Dean got together with Castiel. How long had they been together? Were they even dating? He really wanted to ask him what he meant by that.

        “Hey, don't get jealous.” Dean told him teasing him once again.

         “I'm not thirteen, Dean.” Sam said but really, he was feeling a bit jealous. Sam had loved Castiel for years. He had treated him with nothing but kindness and they had the most in common. It was true he no longer felt the love he had back then anymore but he thought if Castiel was going to date one of them, he would have been the first choice. “I'm over him. You know what. I could go for some ice cream.”

         “That's right, Sammy.” Dean called out to him as he walked past him and hurried out the front door. “Get that triple chocolate ice cream.”

         It wasn't fair. He had crappy ex-friends, a girlfriend that left him for a confusing reason and now his brother was with his first love. Sam really didn't feel anything for Castiel anymore but there was still the memory of that feeling. It wasn't like he was going to cry into a bucket of ice cream again; he just felt a bit down. It was like a disappointing feeling really.

          The real sadness in his heart originated from his apartment back in California. He really loved Jessica and thought they were going to get married. What was so different between them that she had to leave him behind? He couldn't help thinking that there must have been something he had done wrong or maybe the problem was just him. Maybe she just didn't feel the same way he did.

         He reached the ice cream place that he frequented as a child. He entered the building automatically without any thought to what he was doing. He was so wrapped up thinking about all the possibilities that could have made Jess leave him that he didn't notice the woman trying to join the line at the same time he was.

        “Oops.” He heard the woman say immediately when they collided. Thankfully, the woman didn't fall over when she made contact with his chest; she held her ground pretty well. “Sorry.”

         “You were here first.” Sam moved back to give her some space. The dark haired woman nodded and looked up at him. It was then he realized who he had knocked into. “Hannah?”

        “Whippersnapper!” He hadn't been called that in a long time. “Wow, you sprouted. I mean I knew you got tall but seeing it close up.”

        “What are you doing here?” Sam was confused he thought all of Castiel's family had moved to various places. Even Samandriel lived on campus and only visited home. “I thought you were getting married.”

        “I was but then I wasn't.” She said simply trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, but her eyes looked a little sad. “Anna got married though. She lives in Connecticut.”

        “ I heard.” Sam looked at her hoping she would say more. Under his eyes, Hannah seemed to shift uncomfortably.

        “It was weird you know.” She mentioned turning away from him quickly. Sam didn't know why she didn't want to look at him but he supposed she didn't want to lose her spot in line. It was moving after all. “We've always been together. But I guess even twins can't stay together forever.”

        “You miss her.” Sam didn't need to see her face to know she was sad about the whole matter. Anna and Hannah were always together no matter what. They had the same friends, hung out in the same venues and even planned to spend their whole life together. All the planning in the world can't prepare for everything life threw at them. Whatever happened, Hannah was here and Anna wasn't.

        “How can I not?” Hannah sighed looking over her shoulder at Sam. She was still unwilling to face him completely but at least she wasn't trying to hide her face. Sam could see now how tired and unhappy she looked. “She's like another piece of me. There isn't a me without her. She is part of what defines me and now she's gone.”

        “Why move back here?” Sam didn't understand at all. So, her wedding didn't pan out; that was no reason to leave the one person you never wanted to leave behind. They didn't need to be apart.

        “I tried to live near her but I can't stand the cold and the whole culture there.” Hannah admitted looking a little guilty. She probably thought it was her fault for not adjusting to the life there but Sam would never think that. Anna probably adjusted well because she had a loving husband to help her; Hannah had no one but Anna. It should have been enough but Sam figured Anna had her husband as well and couldn't be there for Hannah all the time. He didn't know the details of the situation but he could understand that Hannah felt isolated and alone even with Anna nearby. “It was not for me. Why are you here? I thought you are going to law school or something?”

        “I guess we all have our reasons to come to an ice cream shop at night.”

        “Eat our sorrows away?” Hannah smiled a little. It was a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. Seeing that smile made Sam feel a little worse than he did before. “This is the place I took you when you were still shorter than me. You cried so much even with all that ice cream.”

        “No one will let me live it down.” Sam shook his head and looked away. No where he went in Lawrence lately was free from teasing. So, he may have been dramatic about his first crush but he was young and in love. He had even declared to everyone that he was never going to love again. He should have listened to his past self and done just that. Maybe then, he wouldn't have to go through another broken heart.

        A hand touched his arm causing him to look back at Hannah. She was facing him with an understanding look. What she understood, Sam wasn't sure.

        “My treat?”

        “No, my treat.” Sam didn't want her to have to pay again. He remembered when he was little, she had bought so much ice cream for him. “You treated me the first time I was down. My turn.”

        “Alright, but you got to tell me why you're here.” She told him. Sighing heavily, Sam nodded.

        “And you have to tell me what happened to the wedding.” Sam thought she might try to avoid explaining her problems but instead she nodded. Perhaps it was because she had already seen Sam in such a vulnerable state that she didn't feel like she had to hide anything.

        Or maybe it was because both of them needed someone to talk to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV right after the last chapter. No, Dean and Castiel didn't get together off screen. Dean remembered when he was drunk. He is pretty confident he and Cas are going to be a thing from this point on. We will see what happens with their relationship next chapter :D


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember that waitress I mentioned earlier? lol  
> More misunderstanding and then some cuteness and awkward Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Recomendation: Tearin up my heart – Nsync (1997)

         Today was the day. Both of them had thought that at the same time but for different reasons. Castiel had left Lawrence to do other things just yesterday and Sam had came to crash at Dean's place that night. It hadn't been long since their lips finally met through the haze of alcohol; the best thing alcohol had ever done for Dean, in his opinion. It wasn't so long ago that they both realized their feelings may actually have a chance to be reciprocated. Dean was sure that everything was going to be perfect from this moment on. Castiel wasn't so sure. He was cautious thinking that there may be attraction but not much of anything else. Both of them were thinking of the other but had different ideas in mind; different takes on the events that had taken place.

        Castiel was at work when his phone beeped startling him. He didn't expect Dean to message him at that moment.. He thought perhaps Dean remembered and didn't wish to speak with him before. Last night, he concluded Dean was distancing himself when he didn't call or text, something he had begun to make a habit of doing every night. He worried all night and when the phone beeped he felt even more anxious. What did the text say?

         'u get ur suits?' His suits? What suits? Castiel almost forgot about the dry cleaners and that he used the excuse to leave the home. It was such an unimportant task, he didn't even think about it when he first read the text.

         'I did, thank you.'

         'Want 2 come over 2night?'Castiel almost responded immediately with a yes but stopped himself. Would that be too soon? Did he even know how he was going to try to win Dean's affections? He needed a plan. Going to his house would get him to know a few things about Dean that might have changed or would going to his home just make Dean feel like they were back in high school again. Castiel didn't want that; he didn't want to just be friends anymore.

        If he said no wouldn't that be rude? Wouldn't he also be stopping himself from having a chance to get Dean to notice him? But he did have a lot of work to accomplish. Being absent for one day did make it so he would probably have to do over time tonight. He could finish the work and visit Dean afterward but then it would be too late.

        He couldn't tell Dean that he had been backed up on work. If Dean was anything like how he was when they were younger, he would blame himself. Dean would think that Castiel missed work because he was drunk and couldn't be left alone that night. It wasn't Dean's fault, of course; Castiel chose to stay even though Dean would have been fine on his own.

        'I have work in the morning'. He decided to text him and of course, Dean wasn't taking that excuse.

        'Not long of a drive'

        'Sorry. Can't.'

        'How bout Friday? Roadhouse 2gether?'Friday would be fine. It would be the perfect time to try and get Dean's attention. Maybe he could wear something nice and they would have all night to talk to each other. Who knew what could happen? Castiel smiled.

        'Alright. Just don't get drunk.'

        'No promises.'

 ****Castiel would have been lying if he said he didn't feel any excitement over seeing Dean that Friday. He, also, would have been lying if he hadn't looked up what one should do to see if someone is interested in them. The internet was a marvelous thing and he was able to get a lot of good advice on how to woo another man. He was sure most of the stuff might not work on Dean but it was good to have some pointers. He didn't dress in his best suit, just a normal business one instead, because he read it wasn't good to be too dressy especially if it wasn't a date. You wanted to impress them not scare them off.

        Apparently, Dean hadn't read that same site as him.

        When he arrived at the Roadhouse, Dean was wearing very nice jeans that were strangely without any stain of oil or grease. He, also, noticed how it seemed so tight around Dean's back side. It wasn't that he was focusing on Dean's bottom but he was turned around when he was pulling in and it was the first thing he noticed. The second thing he noticed was how skin tight his shirt was. It was like he could see the curves of Dean's chest perfectly and the over shirt he was wearing was very light but it all worked together. It wasn't a suit, it wasn't anything fancy but Dean looked amazing. He was clean shaven, his hair was styled a little different and as he walked over to him, he noticed something else; was that cologne? All Castiel's life he knew one thing: Dean doesn't wear cologne. He never wore cologne.

        “Hey, Cas.” Dean greeted with a strange smile. It was a smile that was both nervous and excited.

        “Dean, you're dressed up.” It wasn't much of a difference from what he wore normally but it was clean and, Castiel had to admit, very enticing.“Why?”

         “You like it?” Dean opened his arms showing his outfit off. Castiel didn't notice before how tight those pants were near Dean's crotch. Like was a very small term compared to what he was feeling at the moment. “I can clean up nice.”

        “Trying to pick up chicks?” Castiel joked. Well, he meant it as a joke; he really did. He knew Dean had came to see him but maybe a part of him thought that Dean may be looking to find someone. It was hard to imagine he dressed like this for him.

        “What? No. This is-” Dean stopped as he noticed Castiel walking inside. Chasing after him, he tried asking him something.“Isn't this a-”

        “A what?” Castiel turned to look at him. What did Dean think this was? What was the this they were referring to? His outfit? Dean didn't answer him though. He looked conflicted and then disappointed.

        “Never mind.” He sighed looking down at his boots. Castiel looked around the bar. It was going to be hard to find a table tonight.“Cas, do you think-”

        “Where's Jo?” Castiel couldn't find her anywhere. He was hoping to see her again. Part of him was a bit worried she would tell Dean all about his confession but it seemed like she hadn't told him a word. Castiel wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

         “She's not working this shift.” Dean told him and lead him to an empty booth hidden in the corner of the bar. It seemed rather secluded and a bit like a date. Castiel could feel hope rising again. Dean was dressed up and he had never seen him like this before; he was so nervous and looked giddy. Maybe this was a date. Should he ask? What if he was wrong? Before he could say anything, their waitress came. “Hey, Anne Marie. I thought you weren't working tonight.”

        “Dean.” The woman looked like she saw a ghost. Castiel was confused. Why did she look so surprised the moment she saw Dean? “Wow. Um. I'm taking Kate's shift.”

        “Hey, no hard feelings.” Dean waved as if tossing away those feelings. The woman nodded but still looked very awkward.

        “Oh, alright.” She pulled out her pen and note pad. She smiled a bit at Castiel but looked over at Dean uncomfortably. “I'm sorry for-”

        “It's alright.” Dean didn't seem to be bothered by whatever was bothering her. “You know what I like so just get double. One for me and one for Cas.”

        “Right.” She quickly wrote down their orders and hurried away. Dean shook his head and sighed. Something wasn't right. There was obviously something that happened between those two. The woman seemed very awkward around Dean and there was a hint of sadness in her eyes or possibly regret. She did something and Castiel wanted to know what.

        “She seems nervous.”

       “Well, I- Alright, I won't lie. I'm her recent ex but that's over. Way over.” Dean told him looking up at him nervously as if afraid of how Castiel would react. “So, yeah. I suppose she would be a bit awkward since it was complicated how it ended.”

         Complicated? Complicated how? Did that mean that Dean didn't want the relationship to end. They were broken up though. Dean said it was over. He told him it was completely over in a way that Castiel thought may be a way of stressing his singleness. Was Dean interested in him, then? Was he trying to get him to notice him? But he could just be saying that they were over just to say it. Either way, they were over. Then again, Lisa and Dean broke up so many times during high school and Dean never once looked his way. Was she another Lisa? Was that why he was dressed up? To win her back? Castiel felt sick. He was so stupid. Why did he think Dean dressed up for him? He excused himself and went to the bathroom. What was he doing? This obviously wasn't a date. This was just Castiel being Dean's wing man wasn't it? No, he wasn't going to let this happen. He couldn't have this become a repeat of high school.

         When he left the bathroom, he saw Dean speaking to Anne Marie. She no longer looked awkward and was actually smiling at him. Dean didn't look too happy, he actually looked like he was about to have a panic attack. What were they talking about? Their food had arrived as well; how long was he in the bathroom? Dean noticed him immediately and said something to their waitress who just gave him a knowing smile and hurried away. Dean was smiling at him weakly looking very worried. Was his worry because of him? Was it because he took so long in the bathroom?

         “Did I do something wrong, Cas?” Dean asked immediately when Castiel sat down.

         “What?” Castiel didn't know how to respond. He didn't think he'd worry Dean and why did he think he did something wrong? “No.”

        He ordered some alcohol when Anne Marie came back and she gave him an odd look but said nothing. She kept giving Dean looks and they were bothering him. They were these strange knowing looks that Castiel wished she would stop giving him. What did she know about Dean? She probably dated him for what? A week?

          Dean and him engaged in a normal conversation. Dean seemed pretty happy when he spoke about his job and about Sam visiting. He talked about how summer vacation for the college students was coming up and how he couldn't wait to see Sam again. Usually, Castiel loved hearing these things but all he could think about was Anne Marie and her stupid knowing looks. It was when he got his second drink that Dean looked at him worried.

        “Is there something on your mind?”

         “No.” Castiel took a sip of his drink. He was a light weight and he could feel the alcohol affecting him but it wasn't enough. He still felt bad. “Why do you ask?”

         “I just want to make sure.”

         “Well, don't.” He probably sounded angry but he didn't care anymore. Everything was ruined already anyway.

        “That just makes me want to do it more.” Dean told him honestly. Castiel just rolled his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Dean nodded to himself and went to speak. “Cas, I've been thinking.”

         “I'll get the next round.”

          “That's not what I was thinking.”

         “I just need more, alright?” Castiel wasn't interested in hearing whatever Dean was thinking. He didn't want to hear about how he wanted to get back with Anne Marie or how anything about tonight was going. He just wanted to drink some more.

        “Alright, fine. But I don't see why.” Dean shook his head and looked down at the table. “You are such a light weight.”

         Castiel noticed that Dean looked a bit unhappy but didn't really think about how he could have anything to do with it. He was more interested in drinking until he felt nothing when Anne Marie gave Dean that stupid smile. He was so bothered by it that he didn't think of anything else. In fact, he wasn't even giving much thought to where he was going and accidentally knocked into a woman at the bar.

       “I'm sorry.”

         “Don't be.” She told him with a sly smile. That smile would be the last thing he remembered as he finished the bottle in his hand. Everything afterwards was a bit hazy and after the woman yelled at him, he remembered nothing. Only Dean remembered what happened next.

* * *

 

        Dean was freaking out. Actually, to say he was freaking out was an understatement. How could he admit that Anne Marie was his ex? Why was he so stupid? You never bring up exes on a date. Did Castiel even know this was a date? He seemed a bit confused. No, if he was mad about Anne Marie and his past, he definitely knew this was a date. How could he have been so stupid? Castiel was probably mad at him but won't tell him; he had a horrible habit of doing that. Did he just ruin everything? Why didn't he just lie or something?

        But it was important to be honest with your partner. Sam said honesty was the best. Why was he taking advice from Sam? He got dumped recently, obviously it didn't work. Dean groaned. Why was he so stupid? Anne Marie was nice about it when he explained the whole thing. They had been broken up for a month and a half but it wasn't the best of terms.

        But that was in the past and he had Castiel now. He let Anne Marie know that he was completely fine and told her what had happened wasn't a problem. He knew they weren't going to be forever and he was sure she knew they both were done with the relationship. She stopped being awkward once that cleared up. He supposed she worried he was still sore from what happened the day she broke it off. That wasn't even important. What was important was Castiel and he let her know that. She noticed he was worried because Castiel went to the bathroom for a long time. She told him not to worry but how could he not worry? Castiel had drank two bottles of beer and now was going for a third? Something was definitely wrong and it had to be his fault.

       There was a scream. It shocked everyone in the bar and quickly, Dean looked over to see a woman splash her drink on Castiel. Without another thought, he jumped up and raced to his side. All his worry was forgotten and all he could think about was protecting his date. She raised her hand to slap him but Dean pushed it away and shielded Castiel.

        “What do you think you are doing?”

         “He's the freak.” She accused pointing at Castiel. Anne Marie raced to their aid and suggested to the woman that they go somewhere else to calm down. The woman looked at Dean, who straightened up immediately under her glare in a way that said 'Come at me', and agreed to go elsewhere. With that woman gone, Dean could focus on more important things.

         “What did you say to her?” He asked Castiel, who was looking down at his dress shirt with a small pout.

         “Why do you think I said something wrong?” He whined childishly. The alcohol definitely kicked in. “She attacked me.”

         “What happened, Cas?” Dean rephrased trying to help Castiel clean the stain on his shirt.

         “My suit is ruined.” Cas pouted again and Dean could tell he was too far gone at this point. He could never hold his alcohol like him; just a couple of sips already had his cheeks getting red. Dean was pretty sure those two bottles got him completely wasted. This was why Castiel should never drink.

         “Cas, listen to me.” Dean grabbed his date's arm and held him closer. Dropping some money at the bar, he nodded towards Anne Marie, who just gave him a thumbs up.“We need to get you home. You're drunk.”

         “I'm fine.” Castiel complained as Dean pushed him towards the parking lot. He had told Dean earlier that he shouldn't get drunk and yet here he was completely drunk. Did he want Dean to be his designated driver? Did he know he was going to get drunk or was this because of him? Dean really wondered what would have made him drink so much; was it because of Anne Marie? She meant nothing to him!

         “Come on, Cas.” Dean steered Castiel towards his car. “You can stay at my house.”

         “No!” Castiel turned around and pushed him away. “I don't want to stay at your house.”

         Was it too forward or something? Dean wasn't even thinking about sex when he suggested it. He just wanted to keep Castiel safe from himself. Obviously, something happened between him and that woman and he was sure if they stayed at the bar, something else would go wrong. Maybe he just needed Castiel to know his intentions were good and he would agree to come with him.

         “Cas, you can stay on my couch.”

         “No!” Castiel shouted. “I don't want to be near you. If I'm too close I'll-”

         “You'll what?” Was Castiel saying he couldn't control himself? That was the complete opposite of a problem in Dean's opinion.

         “Call Meg.” Really? Meg? Dean knew she had nothing to do with Castiel in terms of romance but he still didn't particularly like her. However, he reluctantly agreed and got Castiel's phone to call her with. As the phone rang, Castiel slid down onto the pavement by the car and just sat there. Meg yelled at him about not having a car. So, he supposed he would have to drive Castiel home himself.

          “I've always loved you.” Castiel said suddenly when he tried to return the phone to him.

         “What?”

         “Why can't I stop loving you?” He looked rather bothered by it. Dean wanted to tell him not to. After all, what was the problem? He liked him, and he liked him back. Where was the issue? “All you do is... hurt me.”

        “Cas.” Of course, this was his fault. It had to be because he mentioned an ex during a date. He would have been pretty upset too if Castiel saw Ephraim again at the Roadhouse. He would be downright livid. “Anne Marie is nothing to me. She's that waitress I told you about, remember? That's all in the past. I'm not interested in her. This was suppose to be a better date. I admit it wasn't fancy but- Why am I so bad at this?”

         Castiel chuckled and pulled on Dean's arm bringing him down next to him. Dean could have easily fought it and just pulled Castiel up but he decided there was no harm sitting next to him. They were in the parking lot and though it was dark, they were right next to the back door of his car; it wasn't like they were going to get run over.

          “You are pretty bad at this. This was a date?” Castiel slurred as he talked then chuckled again right after. Dean was confused. He didn't know it was a date? Sure, he seemed confused in the beginning but he got so upset over Anne Marie. He thought he made it pretty obvious. “You're beautiful, Dean.”

         Before Dean could respond, Castiel was kissing him. This was close to the ending he wanted but outside in the parking lot. He was sure this wasn't the most proper place to make out. It was exciting though, the feeling that they could get caught at any moment. Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't turned on.

          Castiel grabbed onto Dean's waist and pulled him closer to the point Dean was practically sitting in his lap. This was different. Dean had let women push him down on the bed and sort of take charge but he didn't feel the same excitement that he felt when Castiel pulled him into his lap and slid his hands down past his lower back. He really liked where this was going.

          Castiel squeezed his bottom causing Dean to rock against him. The friction made them both moan a bit despite the jeans and business slacks that were between them. They were basically dry humping in the middle of a parking lot at night where anyone could see them. Dean had never been more turned on in his life. He could taste the cheap alcohol on Castiel's tongue and hear all those delicious moans Castiel was making just for him. Then suddenly his grip became looser and he stopped responding to Dean's kisses. Slowly, Dean moved back a bit and realized Castiel had passed out.

         He fell asleep while they were in the middle of something. Really? Really? Dean couldn't believe this. What person fell asleep during a time like this? Was it that boring? He thought everything was going well. Dean sighed. Castiel was drunk, of course.

        “Why is it that one of us is always drunk when we start getting to the good part?” Moving off of him, Dean sighed heavily. He really regretted wearing these tight jeans now. This was probably his most interesting date now that he thought about it. He smiled a little as he replayed what happened. Looking over at Castiel, he noticed the man was still asleep. At least, he didn't snore; that was good to know. “Hey, Mr. Comatose. Hey.” He nudged him a little until he made a small annoyed noise. “I'll drive you home.”

         He struggled to get Castiel into the passenger seat. It was a good thing he awoke because if he just stayed asleep, it would have taken longer to get him inside. When Dean entered the driver's side, Castiel was still trying to buckle his seat belt. Well, that's what Dean figured he was doing because he had the strap in his hand but he was going no where near the buckle. With a sigh, Dean buckled it for him and Castiel just smiled so happily because of it. Why was he such an adorable drunk?

         “Cas, about what you said earlier about the love thing.” Dean spoke as he began driving towards Topeka. He paused a moment just to summon up some courage. Even though he knew Castiel liked him, he was still nervous. “Me too. Ever since high school or maybe even before that. ”

         He looked over to see what Castiel's reaction was since he was being so quiet and the guy was asleep again! Dean took back that thought of Castiel being an adorable drunk; he ruined his confession. He supposed he would just tell him later when he was awake and sober. There were lots of things he wanted to tell him when he was sober but it would have to wait. Dean smiled.

         Castiel said he loved him. No matter how bad the date had been before, those words made the night one of the best nights he had ever had. Dean slid his hand over on top of Castiel's that limply sat on his lap as he slept. He had never felt as great as he did driving down that road towards Topeka hearing nothing but the motor of his car and Castiel's soft breaths as he slept.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended Song: Don't Let Go - En Vogue (1997)

        Castiel woke up with a splitting headache and a bunch of confusion. He supposed this was the same way Dean had woken up that morning after his night of drinking. He was a fool to drink so much especially in front of Dean. His brothers always told him that people tend to say the truth when they were drunk; they, also, seemed unable to shut their mouths. Castiel feared he might have said something to Dean when he was drunk and ruined all his chances.

         Why did he even drink so much? Why didn't he pay attention to the consequences instead of just trying to drink away his jealousy. He probably misunderstood that night just like he had with Jo but he was so irritated that he continued to drink even though he knew he was a light weight. One beer and he was gone; he learned that the hard way. Meg had to save him from himself the one time he actually tried to attend a party during his university days.

         Speaking of Meg, she was probably the only one who knew how he got home that night. He was pretty sure Dean had brought him but who knew. He might have ran off with Anne Marie and some kind patron got him home. That was least likely, Dean wouldn't have abandoned him, would he? When he left his room to find Meg, he saw her just standing in her doorway giving him a very smug knowing look.

         “What?” Castiel didn't feel comfortable with her looking at him like that. Also, he wondered how long she had been waiting over there for him to walk out.

         “So, your boyfriend dropped you off late at night.” Meg teased.

         “Dean's just my friend.” Castiel didn't know why she assumed Dean was his boyfriend but it did answer who brought him home. Also, Dean was either by himself or Anne Marie was waiting in the car because Meg would have mentioned her if she saw her.

         “You sure he knows that?” Meg gave him another knowing look that seemed to say more than the first one. What exactly was she trying to hint at? Castiel was about to respond when his cell phone rang. Where was his phone? Was it in his pocket? It was then he realized he wasn't wearing pants. Who changed his clothes? Meg? Where was his phone?

         He noticed his coat was lying on the back of his sofa. Why was it over there? Meg knew to put his coat on the rack so why was it folded neatly and placed on the back of the sofa? Castiel didn't care to think of it and just grabbed it to find his phone. He could hear it ringing from there so it was only logical that it would be hiding inside there somewhere. Sure enough he found it in the left pocket of his coat. Looking at the caller ID before picking up, Castiel was surprised to see who was calling him.

         “Michael?”

         “Castiel, I won't be able to make it to the office today.” Michael told him hurriedly. This was no shocker; Michael had been absent more than not last week. He had different excuses every time and the board was getting very worried that he was neglecting his job for silly reasons. Just the other day, Crowley made an excuse for him. Was he really going to not be there this weekend to catch himself up. “Can I trust you with the Zimmerman report?”

         “Wait, why?” The Zimmerman report wasn't due until Monday. Was he really not going to show up at work this next week either?

         “I'm helping Lucifer move out.” Michael informed him pausing slightly. There was a hint of joy in his voice and something else Castiel couldn't quite make out. “He's coming home, Castiel.”

          Lucifer was coming home? Of course, Michael had taken a long leave of absence after he had given him Lucifer's information but Castiel never thought Michael would be able to convince him. They had always fought ever since he was young. When Michael told him of a time they were close, it seemed like something made up because all his life, Castiel had only known them to yell at each other. He knew Michael had to tell Lucifer what he really felt about what happened in college and after wards. He knew that Lucifer may forgive him and he may also be forgiven but he never thought Lucifer would come back to them. He had always been so proud.

          Did their mother know? Was she preparing the basement for Lucifer and Muriel? Was Muriel coming too? How were they going to fight for her custody? What did Michael have planned? He wasn't even able to ask because Michael told him he was busy and would explain things later. Castiel was left in a state of shock. Lucifer was coming home. It had been over eight years and Lucifer was coming back.

         He looked back at his phone and realized he had messages waiting to be opened. There were five of them and all of them seemed to come from one sender: Dean. Why did he text him so much? Castiel looked around his home and found Meg still looking at him with a strange look. What did he do last night?

         'Meg didn't do anything 2 u when @ home?' The first text read. Meg? Do something to him? Did he say something about Meg? He remembered that he was angry about Dean's ex girlfriend being their waitress but did that mean he may have told Dean about how he and Meg use to date? Did he say something wrong and ruin his chances with Dean?

        'I'm not accusing her or anything but u know.' You know? He knew what? Castiel was panicking and it didn't help that Meg just shook her head and went back into her room. She knew something; she had to.

         'When ur awake call me.' Was the next text followed by 'I have ur car.' Castiel debated calling him. If he called Dean he could ask him about the night before but maybe he shouldn't. What if he said something ridiculous? What did he do?

          He asked Meg if anything strange happened last night and she told him everything had been alright. Dean had helped him inside, helped him change his clothes and tucked him in. Castiel knew he was blushing by the end of Meg's recollection. He couldn't believe Dean had done all that for him; it was a bit embarrassing. How could he face Dean knowing he was so embarrassing that night before?

         Dean had his car though. There was no way he could pretend he didn't. He would need his vehicle later if he wanted to visit home or see Lucifer when he arrived; he didn't really need it for work since it wasn't far. It was the weekend though so he could just hold it off until Sunday. No, that wouldn't be good.

         He wondered if his car was still at the Roadhouse or if Dean really did have his car. He hoped it was the former because he wasn't interested in an awkward meeting with Dean. He wished he could remember what was said or done that night. All he knew was what Meg told him and from what she said he was completely wasted and Dean had to do everything for him. That was never a good thing seeing there was a million things he could have said that night.

         He had to hire a taxi in order to get to Lawrence that day because Michael was busy helping Lucifer pack. Castiel received a text from him a few moments later about getting some paperwork from one of their lawyers. It would be alright if their firm was just a walk away but it wasn't. Also, Castiel got the feeling that his brother was going to ask him to do more than just that eventually. He couldn't be without a car any longer but he wasn't going to ask Dean to drive him there, it would be too awkward. Especially when he didn't even know what he had done or said last night; it still worried him.

         He was glad to see his car was still parked in the Roadhouse parking lot where he left it. It meant he wouldn't have to awkwardly face Dean in order to retrieve it. It wasn't that he didn't want to see Dean again or spend time with him, he was just worried he had did something wrong and was too scared to face it. He didn't want to face anything. Maybe he could get his car, go home and hide under his sheets forever. Meg could give him food through the door. He would have to use the restroom sometime. Thankfully, his room connected to a bathroom.

         When the taxi pulled in, he noticed a familiar young woman walking out of the bar. Jo noticed him as quickly as he noticed her and smiled at him warmly. Castiel was unsure how to respond so he gave her a small nod and headed towards his car. It took a moment before he realized Jo had begun jogging up to him. What did she want? They didn't really know each other even if she was Dean's friend.

        “Hello, Jo.” Castiel nodded again in her direction when she finally caught up to him.

         “You here to pick up your car?” Jo looked down at his vehicle and then started searching around him. What was she looking for? “Did you call Dean?”

         “I don't know.” Of course, he didn't call Dean. How could he call Dean after the shameful way he presented himself the night before? Castiel didn't even know what he had done but there was no way he was going to contact Dean if he did do something. He didn't need to find out that he professed his undying love to him or something. He probably didn't do that if Dean was texting him. He might have said something mean. If that was the case, maybe he should contact him to clear that up. This was so confusing. “Did I do something embarrassing when I was drunk?”

       “How would I know? I didn't work last night.” Jo shrugged and Castiel had to admit he was disappointed. He was hoping Dean had told her something. “I can ask Anne Marie.”

        “No, I'm fine.” That was the one thing Castiel didn't want to hear. He wanted to forget about Anne Marie altogether. He wanted to forget how close she seemed to be with Dean and how they seemed to no longer be awkward in just a few minutes. He wanted to forget her irritating smile and how nicely Dean had dressed that night. It was probably for her anyway.

        As he drove back to Topeka, he received a couple of text messages. He wasn't able to check his phone until he got home, Castiel heard horror stories about texting and driving and he wasn't one to take such a risk. When he finally checked his phone, he saw they were both from Dean. He was trying to contact him again? Castiel wasn't sure what to think of it.

        'Jo said u picked up ur car' the first one said followed by 'why aren't u answering?' He couldn't have said something horrible if Dean was wondering why he wasn't answering. Maybe he should text him back and tell him it was alright. What would be his excuse though? He could always say he was just too busy to respond but then he picked up the car without even notifying Dean. Did it look as bad as he thought it did?

         Castiel stared at his phone that night wondering what he should say. Maybe he would call Dean tomorrow and tell him that his phone was dead or something. Yeah, that seemed like a good idea if he was able to lie effectively at all. It wasn't a lie that he was busy. Maybe he should call him now or text him. However, when he finally mustered enough courage, it was too late and he was afraid of waking Dean. Sunday he would make it right.

         Except he didn't. Michael had him calling lawyer after lawyer and getting all kinds of paperwork. He had a meeting with a private investigator that Michael hired to get incriminating photos of Lilith and had to go home to prepare Lucifer's and Muriel's rooms. The texts honestly slipped his mind as there was so much that had to be done. Hannah was helping him but her mind was elsewhere. She was planning on picking up a friend from California once summer break for college hit. She was always on the phone with her friend and Castiel didn't think it would be right to interrupt her. It was at times like that that Castiel found he was much too soft spoken.

        He also had the report that was due the next day and stayed up late that night completing it for Michael. Apparently, since custody was still being battled for, Lucifer had to get permission to move out of the state with Muriel. There was a lot of back and forth between the lawyers and the judge but finally, they allowed it. Tomorrow, Michael was going to drive the two of them down and wouldn't be able to finish the report. This was an important job and demanded all of Castiel's attention. Even though he was busy and forgot what he worried about the night before, the texts didn't stop.

         It was the next morning when he realized he received four more texts. He was too tired to even move when he awoke and the shower he took that morning was probably the worst idea he ever had. Everything was awful and coffee was not helping him. He acknowledged the texts, he knew they were there, but he didn't do anything to them. What was the point? What was the point of anything when his eyes just desperately wanted to close? Everything was over now; his body was giving up and he could feel it. Why deny the inevitable? Michael needed this done, that's why. More coffee in the break room that tasted like the worse sort of liquid he had ever tried and he was off to hand in and possibly present the report.

         He didn't even think of Dean as Natalie looked over the report. He didn't even wonder if the texts were from him or worry that all this non-response may be worrying Dean. He was overworked, tired and cranky. All he wanted to do was go home but he already showed his face in the building, he was trapped. Thankfully, Natalie told him that she would present it. She said with Castiel's current state, a presentation from him would be counterproductive. He didn't know what she meant but he didn't care in the least. At least, he wouldn't have to think too much so early in the morning.

         He contemplated napping at his desk around lunch as he noticed everyone beginning to leave. They wouldn't notice a thing since they would be busy eating elsewhere or working. Maybe he would look like he's looking down at something and just nod off for a little bit. He was sure he could get away with it unless he snored but no one ever said he did. He was sure he could be a quiet sleeper. Maybe pretend to read something or check his phone. Oh, right. Those texts.

        'I'm dying here Cas.''Call me' 'U there?' 'R u ok?' Each text got more and more desperate. Was this from Dean? Why was he freaking out? Castiel shook his head to keep himself awake. Of course, Dean sounded desperate; he had been ignoring him for so long. Ignoring? Was that what he was doing? No. He just was busy that's all. He'd text him back with an apology as soon as he woke up.

        “What are you doing?” A voice woke him up with a start. What was he doing? Where was he? What time was it? Two? TWO? How did it become two? Why didn't anyone wake him up? He hoped no one important saw him sleeping at his desk all day. He slept through all of lunch; he didn't even get a snack to eat. He could see some of his employees looking over amused. What? Did they do this on purpose? Why? He had always been fair to the employees underneath him. Wait. Who woke him up?

        Looking up he saw Charlie looking at him like he had lost his mind. Perhaps he had. What man slept so obviously at his desk? What kind of employees did he have that none of them even thought it was right to nudge him awake. When did he fall asleep? Charlie pressed her lips together and snatched his phone from his hands disconnecting it from its charger. Did he honestly fall asleep looking down at his phone?

        “Give me that.” She stared at his phone silently as Castiel tried to remember what was the last thing he was doing on his phone. It wasn't like he was using that crazy internet feature. That cost way too much money for a small window that didn't even bother to show the whole page. No, he was checking his texts, right?

         Dean had texted him again. Castiel hadn't erased any of his messages and was pretty sure Charlie was going through them all. At first, she looked amused but slowly her smile became a frown and as more time passed the more she seemed to deepen that frown. What was she upset about? Castiel and her weren't the best of friends; he barely knew her but he had always hoped they could have lunch together one day. He really hoped to make some sort of friend while working here and was worried that whatever she was upset about would ruin his chances.

        “Are you ignoring this guy?” She finally said after some silence. Castiel looked at her shocked. He wasn't ignoring Dean; he was just busy. “Why?”

        “I'm not ignoring him.” It was true that he hadn't texted back in days but it wasn't because he was ignoring Dean. He just didn't know what to say. “I was just busy.”

        “Really?” Now that Charlie questioned him, he thought back to the past few days and he really wasn't _that_ busy. Texting didn't take much time and he could have done it at any point during those days. Was he really just busy and didn't know what to say or was he just ignoring Dean?

        “Well, I wasn't too busy.” He admitted once he realized what he had been doing. Sometimes he didn't understand his own actions. He didn't want to get his hopes up since he found out about Anne Marie. So maybe, he was avoiding Dean because he knew there was nothing but pain that route but he couldn't admit the fact to himself. He wanted to be with Dean that hadn't changed and, perhaps, would never change. He just didn't see how responding would help him against a beautiful woman like Anne Marie. Maybe part of him was just giving up. He already saw how life just never went the way he wanted. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be.

         “Why haven't you responded?” Charlie asked him stopping him from sinking lower in his pool of depression.

         “He's straight.” That was the problem he had all along wasn't it? Dean, no matter how much he appealed to him, would never go with him because he simply didn't like men. Sure, they kissed when he was drunk and Castiel did get hope from that. He always found a way to find hope and as soon as he had it, it was all crushed by a woman showing up in Dean's life. He never knew Dean to take on any other type of partner so perhaps that was where all the problems started from; he knew Dean was straight and no matter what, would never be interested in him.

        “And?” Did Charlie not see the problem? It was obvious that Castiel would only get more heartache if he kept hoping Dean would look at him. He should just give up and he was trying to but he always had that hope. Why did he always hope something would change?

         “I'm in love with him.” No matter what happened; no matter how much his heart ached or how he may be tossed to the curb, Castiel always loved him. It was why he continued fighting a losing battle and why he never erased Dean's contact information from his phone.

        “Did he reject you or something?” Charlie asked looking a bit confused. No, Dean never outright rejected him because he didn't know how Castiel felt. But he might as well have, when Anne Marie showed up.

       “No, we kissed but he was drunk and now-” Now he was confused, angry and still hopelessly in love with him. “I don't know what to do.”

       “Maybe he's in to you.” What made her come up with that conclusion? Castiel didn't understand. Wasn't he clear before that Dean was straight? “These texts look pretty needy.”

       “That's not possible.” Castiel always found hope no matter how bad the situation was. He would always hope Dean was actually into him and he would always try to see it that way but in the end, he would be disappointed again. Was there anyway he could stop this? Even now when he heard his phone beep with a new message, he could feel his hope returning.

        “Are you sure?” Why did Charlie ask him that? Of course, he wasn't sure but he didn't want to tell her. He didn't want her to see how he had been pathetically holding onto hope since high school.

        “We've been friends since Kindergarten, I think it would have come up some time before now.” Castiel knew that he only realized his love for Dean in high school and perhaps, Dean could realize love for him some time soon. It wasn't like they could only be friends if Dean could possibly be attracted to him. However, after seeing Anne Marie and how Dean happily spoke to her, he felt like he was just lying to himself if he thought like that.

       “Cas, can I call you Cas?” Charlie moved closer to him pressing her lips together. “You don't really know that for sure unless you ask.”

       “I can't.” The very thought of telling Dean how he felt scared him. He knew Dean was his friend and may not want to abandon him but if he didn't feel the same way, their friendship would be awkward at best.

       “Afraid of rejection?” Charlie nodded as if she was understanding him finally. “I get it.”

       “You do?” Castiel didn't understand. Charlie was so confident and always stuck to one decision. Castiel was the complete opposite riddled with insecurities. He couldn't imagine Charlie being afraid of anything.

       “Hey, I've had my share of failed crushes before.” She informed him. “I wasn't always this chick magnet you see before you. Just don't give up on him completely. He may surprise you.”

       Another text sounded. Maybe Dean could surprise him but then again, maybe he won't. Castiel wasn't so sure which he would do. Every time he got new hope, something always got in his way. He would always hope Dean was interested but at the same time would try to convince himself otherwise. There was so much disappointment in his past that perhaps he was afraid whenever new hope came. He was always searching for something bad to happen. It was like he was afraid to be happy. Perhaps, he was.

        “Why are you so insecure?” Charlie brought him out of his thoughts asking such a blunt question.

        “What?”

        “I'm sorry, I'm just wondering why it's so hard for you to believe he may like you.” His phone beeped once again indicating yet another text message had been received. “That was like three in a row are you even going to look at them?”

        Charlie placed the phone back down and went back to whatever work she had left to do. Castiel supposed he should get something done quickly before he left but there was that matter with the texts. Should he look at them now? Castiel knew he should probably text Dean back and explain himself. Maybe Charlie was right and he was just being insecure. However, he needed something done before he left so he focused on work for the last few hours he had left. He would just finish this finance report and be done with work for today.

       It was six now going onto seven. He stayed a bit late to make sure he got the report done in case any higher up saw him sleeping. The least he could do is show he was still productive. As he gathered his materials to head back home, he lifted his phone with one hand as the other grabbed his suitcase. Three new texts. Taking a deep breath, Castiel decided to check them before he left his office.

      'Please text me back' Charlie was right Dean's texts did sound a bit needy. Then again, Dean could just be worried that something happened to him. It isn't strange for a friend to worry about another friend. No, he was doing it again. He was trying to convince himself that Dean wasn't begging him to text him back. He had to stop that.

       'What did I do wrong?' The next text read followed by 'I'm sorry 4 whatever it is.' It was just like Dean to blame himself when in reality Castiel was the one that was to blame. This was the Dean he knew that took on so much responsibility onto himself; the Dean he loved. Castiel sighed and began typing out a message. It started with an apology but before Castiel could get any further another text message came. Castiel wanted to know what it was but to view it meant closing down the message he was typing and throwing it into the draft folder. He would get to his message later as he opened up the newest text from Dean.

       'I'm here'

       Here? Here here?! Castiel almost dropped his phone in shock. No, it wasn't possible. Why would Dean be here at his workplace? Did he know he was still at his workplace or was he at his home? Was Meg home? Castiel hurried out from his office building and quickly raced to his home. There was no way he was there; this had to be some sort of joke. But sure enough when he reached home, there in his building's parking lot was a beautiful Chevy Impala. Dean was leaning against it looking very very worried. He was covered in grease and looked like he rushed from work to get here as well. What was going on?

       “What are you doing here, Dean?” Castiel's words snapped Dean to attention and had him racing towards him. Castiel could do nothing but stand in shock as Dean hugged him tightly as if he would slip away if he loosened his grip.

        “I'm not letting you disappear for another eight years.” His breath hit the crook of Castiel's neck as Dean's voice seemed to waver a little. “I'm not going through that again.”

       “Dean, I'm not going anywhere.” Castiel didn't know what else to say. He really wasn't leaving to go anywhere and even though he had been ignoring his texts, Castiel knew he wouldn't be able to ignore him forever.

       “You're not mad at me?” Of course, Dean blamed himself for this. Castiel felt awful making Dean think this was his fault. He was so stupid. How could he ignore Dean for so long?

       “No, Dean.” He told him as Dean pulled from him. He looked like he had been at the verge of tears earlier. Did he do that? Castiel felt even more guilty. “I'm not.”

       “You understand I'm not interested in Anne Marie, right?”

       “I am aware of this.” It was a lie. Castiel was shocked to hear Dean had no interest in the beautiful waitress. If it was like that, why did he dress so nice? It couldn't be that he dressed nice for him; could it?

        “I'm not interested in women at all right now.”

       “None?” Castiel was more than a bit shocked. Dean Winchester wasn't interested in women at all? He thought back to their high school days. Dean couldn't even stay focused when walking down the hall when a girl walked by. Dean always noticed a pretty girl and always sent a flirty smile or wink their way. Dean was always interested in women and before Lisa, could have a new one by his side every week. Times had changed; they had changed.

       “None.”

       “That's good?” Castiel just wanted Dean to tell him what he meant. He didn't want to mistake his words in anyway. Part of him was still shocked that Dean wasn't interested in Anne Marie.

       “That's great, Cas. So, we're good?” Dean asked looking a little worried. Castiel wasn't sure what to do so he nodded. He guessed everything was fine now. Anne Marie wasn't even an issue and why was he ignoring Dean anyway? He wanted to be with Dean, didn't he.

       Castiel wondered why he sabotaged himself. Even now he kept thinking that just because Dean wasn't interested in women at the moment, didn't mean he was interested in him. If he thought back using the facts and not his fears, maybe it might look like Dean did dress up for him. Obviously, he didn't care for Anne Marie, so what other conclusion could there be? It just didn't sit well with Castiel because of all his past experience; he was use to being disappointed.

       “Can I, uh, crash here tonight?” Dean's unsure voice brought him back to reality. He wanted to spend the night with him? No, he wanted to stay over that night. No matter how Castiel tried to think of it, it sounded more than just friendly. Perhaps his desires were seeping into how he thought of the situation. Dean was his friend; sleep overs are normal for friends. Grown friends that aren't even meeting at a late hour. Dean could easily just drive home in less than an hour, so there was no need to spend the night. He didn't even look a bit tired.

       “Sure.” Castiel supposed there wasn't going to be a problem now and if he refused, Dean might think he was still upset. Besides, Meg was there so it wasn't like he could do anything to him when he slept on the couch. They were just friends. Maybe Dean just wanted to hang out. “I don't have any video game consoles or anything.”

       “Geez, Cas.”Dean chuckled. “How else are we gonna play the new Mortal Kombat?”

       It was just one night. Castiel could handle one night. It wasn't like he would go crazy just because Dean was beside him. Beside him? No, there were other places Dean could sleep. Walking in, he noticed his sofa. Dean could easily sleep there but would he be comfortable?

       “I only have one bedroom since Meg's in the other.” Castiel motioned towards his sofa. “So, you'll have to crash on my couch.”

       “Or we could share a bed.” Dean suggested but immediately looked like he had said something wrong. Castiel's breath got caught in his throat. Did Dean just say what he thought he said? Dean looked a bit embarrassed by his sudden suggestion and was currently admiring his floor. “I mean. Um. I'm sorry forget it.”

       Sharing a bed with Dean, why did it fill Castiel's heart with such excitement? It wasn't like they hadn't had sleep overs before. They use to camp out in each others' homes many times when they were young. It was all before high school of course, before Castiel knew about his feelings. The playful and childish atmosphere was gone now and the mere suggestion seemed much more than friendly. Two grown men in the same bed; hearing each other breathing and feeling the warmth of their body heat so close. How was Castiel going to survive?

       “We could share.” He responded before he could even stop himself. However, the look on Dean's face made him not even try to correct himself. There was excitement and a hint of desire in Dean's eyes. Castiel could not have been seeing things. Even his insecurities and past experience couldn't cover up the desire in Dean's eyes with something else. Was this what he thought it was?

       “I need a shower first.” Dean told him looking down at his filthy clothing. Castiel supposed he could put them in the wash as he showered.

       “You can use mine.” If Dean used the other one there was a chance Meg could walk in on something she may deem unpleasant. Though Castiel couldn't see how Dean's nudity would be anything but pleasant. Just the thought that he would be completely unclothed so nearby made Castiel very conscious of his pants. It was best to have Dean use his shower to save Meg not so that he could imagine him there. Speaking of Meg, where was she?

       “No peeking.” Dean told him as he walked towards his room as if he knew exactly where it was. He opened the door and walked in without even looking around. It was as if he had done so before. He did bring him home that one night but did Meg really allow him to carry him to his room. Castiel's cheeks grew hot just thinking about it. Then suddenly, Dean said something that caused his cheeks to grow bright red. “Unless you want to join me.”

       Join him? JOIN HIM? Dean was surely just teasing but when he looked up at his face he didn't see someone just teasing. He saw Dean looking quite serious about the matter gesturing with his eyes towards his bathroom. Castiel gulped. What excuse was for that one? What excuse could he come up for that? Why was he even searching for an excuse?

      With a flirty smile, Dean disappeared into the bathroom. He was in over his head. Sure, he had sex with women before but men? He dated Ephraim but the boy was so respectable and nice and they never had an occasion. Ephraim was young and had desires but he never wanted to pressure Castiel so it never came up. Castiel didn't know what to do. Should they talk about how they were going to go through with it? Should they assign roles? Did he need to prepare himself or was Dean going to-

       Castiel knew his face was now as red as a tomato. He couldn't just ask Dean about it, what if he was wrong. Maybe he could check. Check? Was he a peeping tom now? But Dean did leave the bathroom door open and his clothes were really dirty. He could just go in and gather them for washing of course.

       That was it. This was the moment. Just go in, check, grab the clothes and get the hell out. What if Dean asks him to come into the shower with him? Should he? Castiel gulped. Was it too soon? No, if Dean asks him maybe- Maybe he will. He felt a surge of excitement at the thought. Maybe he would join him. Okay. Just have to get the clothes.

       As he grabbed the dirty laundry, he noticed Dean's blurry silhouette in the shower. The frosted glass hindered his view just slightly but he could make out the size of things. Castiel found himself staring much more than he should and courage leaving very quickly. He heard Dean's voice but no words were spoken. If Castiel wasn't mistaken, it sounded a bit like a chuckle. Did Dean know he was there? When Dean's head turned towards his direction, he didn't even stay to find out. He quickly left the room and closed the door behind him. What happened to joining him? Why was he so awkward? What did Dean think he was doing? At least, he had his clothes, so he could put them in the wash.

       After tossing them in, he got dressed for sleep because what else was he going to do? Dean was still showering and he was probably enjoying the water pressure in the shower. Castiel knew it was pretty good and Dean was probably enjoying all that water hitting his body and trailing-

        No, this wasn't good. Castiel couldn't get Dean's form out of his mind. He saw it all and it was glorious. He was surprised Dean didn't even say a word to him. Why did he chuckle? Did he know what he was doing to Castiel? It wasn't fair. How dare he use his shower? Of course, Castiel had suggested it but he was still unhappy that he was so close and he was too afraid to join him. He could hear the water running and Castiel thought back to everything he saw when he went to grab his clothes. His hand trailed down his stomach. Just a bit. He'll just relieve some of the tension while Dean was showering. He didn't need to know.

       At least, that's what he thought before he climaxed. The shower turned off and Castiel panicked. Tissues. He needed tissues. He needed new underwear as well but one thing at a time. He tossed his underwear in the laundry basket that he suddenly was thankful had a lid and hurried to clean himself up. He grabbed the first pair of underwear from his drawer which was an unflattering pair of boxers, put them on and, when he heard the door knob turn, jumped into his bed and tried to pretend to be asleep.

       Dean came into the room and was silent. Castiel hoped he didn't notice anything was wrong. He closed his eyes tighter. Just think he is asleep. Nothing is amiss here. He heard the towel drop but nothing else before weight shifted on the bed and the cover was brought up. He was slipping under his covers. Castiel realized then that he had taken all of Dean's clothes when he went to wash them, including his underwear.

        Dean was naked! _No, don't open your eyes._ He told himself. The bed dipped closer to him and he could feel heat right behind his back. This was too much. How was he supposed to sleep or pretend to sleep in this condition? He felt something wet fall on his neck. Dean was so close and so very unclothed. Would it be awkward to turn around and address this?

        “Goodnight, Cas.” Goodnight? GOODNIGHT? Castiel opened his eyes and went to turn around only to be met by Dean's back. Looking down a bit, he noticed it was Dean's very bare back. He was naked. This was not a drill! Dean Winchester was naked in his bed. Friends don't sleep in friends' beds naked. He couldn't be asleep already, could he? _Just touch his shoulder._ Castiel stopped midway. No, it was best to leave him alone but there was no way he was going to sleep. Not tonight.

_Why are you so insecure?_ He didn't want to be but he didn't know how else to go about it than to play safe. He just didn't want to be hurt again or push Dean away. He didn't want to scare Dean because if Dean chose to leave and never see him again, he would be devastated. Wasn't that what he did to him? Castiel had left Dean so long ago and didn't want to see him again.  _I'm not going through that again._ What had he done? He had only thought about himself all this time; thought of his feelings. He never once thought about how Dean got by during those years or how he may have been hurting. Maybe it was time to think beyond just his feelings. Maybe it was time to consider Dean as more than just a friend he's been in love with and could never attain. Perhaps, thinking that way was doing more harm than good.

        He didn't think it was possible but somehow he went to sleep. He woke up to a shriek and then a slam. Castiel jumped out of bed in confusion. Looking around frantically, he noticed Dean wasn't there. Listening, he couldn't hear anything out of the ordinary. Was that shriek even real or did he dream it up? Where was Dean? Did he dream that up as well? No, he had been here. The way the covers were pushed to the side indicated someone had slept beside him. But where was he? There wasn't even a note nearby. He rubbed his face as he walked towards his bathroom. Did he just get up and leave?

        It didn't seem like he was in the bathroom. Castiel brushed his teeth and used the facilities still listening out for anything out of the ordinary. Nothing. He heard a door close as he reentered his room. Was that Dean or Meg moving about, he didn't know. He moved towards his dresser, maybe Dean was still here and that's why he didn't leave a note. Another door opened and closed almost as soon as he heard the front door open and close. What was going on? Who was running around out there?

        “Clarence, what the hell?” Meg burst into his room looking very angry. What happened? What did he do? He was in the middle of putting on clothes when she arrived so it wasn't like she could accuse him of anything that happened prior, he hoped. 

        “I'm getting dressed.” Castiel stated simply but he knew Meg wouldn't be bothered by his partial nudity. It wasn't anything she hadn't seen before.

        “No. What the hell?” She gave him an incredulous look. “I'm out one night and you get a booty call?”

         “What?” Castiel was confused. What was even a booty call? He didn't call anyone from that- That was besides the point. What was she talking about? It must be sexual. If it was sexual, perhaps she meant... Dean. Was Dean out there? “No, we didn't do anything.”

        Pulling a shirt over his head he rushed out the room. Was Dean leaving or was that the reason he heard the front door? Did he already leave? When he entered the living room, sure enough there was a note on his coffee table. So, he had already left.

 

**Had work. Dried my own clothes don't worry. I'll call you once I get off. - Dean**

**P.S. Tell Meg I'm sorry.**

 

       So, the shriek was real then.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the huge delay. At one of my jobs, my manager went on vacation so I had a crazy amount of hours and no free time. My bad. Also, the flow is a bit choppy because I wrote in little bursts and I haven't really proofread it.  
> Dean is realizing Castiel might be too scared to respond to the flirting and suggestions he is throwing or maybe doesn't believe him. So, next chapter Dean has to figure out how to make Castiel see he means it.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds out more about what happened in high school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be very long. I haven't actually read over it and all but it is really long.
> 
> Song Recommendation: One Headlight - The Wallflowers

        Dean woke up that morning next to Castiel. He was surprised to see he was still asleep; Castiel was usually up much sooner than Dean. When they were children, Dean always remembered waking up to Castiel staring at him; he was a creepy child. Dean smiled at the memory. Every time, it would make him jump and Castiel would just smile innocently and say breakfast was ready. Maybe he should make the breakfast this time and give Castiel a taste of his own medicine. Sure, Castiel hadn't stared him down since they were twelve but Dean still wanted some type of revenge.

       It would be better if he had some clothes though. Slowly, he slid out of the bed making sure not to wake Castiel. What time was it? He went to bed pretty early and the sun wasn't even really up yet. Dean really didn't sleep for long periods of time. He just couldn't help but wake after a four or five hours. Maybe it was insomnia or something. No, insomnia would mean he couldn't sleep at all.

       Dean shook his head. There were other things he had to attend to than just thinking about his trouble sleeping. For one, he didn't know where his phone was and he feared Castiel just tossed it in the wash by accident. Another was the fact that he did not have clothes on and if he remembered correctly, Castiel had a roommate. Maybe if he sprinted into the laundry room no one would notice.

        This was not his best idea but it definitely wasn't his worse. Dean got to the laundry room without any incident. His clothes had been sitting in the wash for a while and he cautiously sniffed them to see if he had to run them again. Didn't smell too bad; must not be a problem then. Without a thought he stuffed them in the drier. _Wait, my phone._ He thought as he stopped himself from starting the drier. He really hoped his phone wasn't thrown in there.

        Before he opened the drier and went on a mad search, he noticed something in the corner of his eye. The room was very small, perhaps as big as a walk in closet, so there had to be nooks and shelves for it to not look completely cluttered. Directly above the washer and drier were two shelves that held the detergent and empty laundry baskets. It also held his phone and keys. It was a relief to know he could still use it; phones were expensive. Grabbing it, he realized he had some missed calls; five, in fact, all from the same caller. What did Bobby need so urgently that he had to call that many times at such an early hour? He figured he might as well call him back since his clothes would be drying for a while. He turned the knob and pushed down the button to begin the drier as he called Bobby back.

        “You called?” Dean wasn't sure what Bobby wanted but it was most likely he was being called in. If he was being called in, it had to be urgent.

         “We got a Ferrari 360, Spider, in real bad shape.” A Ferrari? Spider? It was a familiar sounding car but then again, all car models sound a bit familiar to a mechanic.

        “What?” Dean didn't know why this was so urgent that it couldn't wait until he got in to work. “How bad?”

        “Whole front's smashed in and I mean bad.” Bobby told him with a sigh. Dean exhaled sharply in disbelief. Ferrari's were expensive and that model was definitely for people with deep pockets. He remembered seeing one listed for a good amount over one hundred thousand. He would think if someone dropped that much money on a fancy sports car, they'd be a bit more cautious. “Guy wants it in a week.”

        “Impossible.” Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. Why would someone smash their very expensive car in and then demand it be fixed in a week? “Parts alone take a while to be sent in, it needs body work too, I'm sure, and why the hell did this guy even have such an expensive car if he was just going to fuck it up?”

       “He's a Novak, that's why.” Bobby told him as if that explained everything. A Novak had all the money in the world, so of course they were never careful. But Castiel was a Novak too. He didn't just treat everything recklessly with the idea he could just pay for a new one if it broke. “I already told him we could do it. Novaks are our highest paying customers and they're our neighbors.”

        “How are we getting the parts on time?” Which one of Castiel's brothers screwed this car up? Who hurt this Ferrari? “ Parts alone cost a fortune and to get them shipped over quickly is gonna cost more.”

        “Money is no problem to Novaks.”

        “I'll bet.”

       “So, will you help me fix her up?” Bobby asked him like he had a choice. Maybe he did but there was no way he wasn't going to work on the car. It would look pretty good to Castiel's family if he did a great job; might impress Castiel too now that he thought about it.

       “Of course.” Dean might have sounded a bit more eager than he had anticipated. “Just let me get my clothes and-”

       The door opened immediately while he was still on his phone. His clothes were not dry yet and he hadn't expected anyone to want to come into this room. He thought he had been quiet enough that he wouldn't disturb anyone but he had thought wrong. To make matters worse, it wasn't Castiel that was opening the door.

        “Who is in her-” Meg never finished her sentence. Instead, she just screamed really loud and shut the door in Dean's face. On the other line, Bobby was freaking out wondering if something had happened to him. Great. This was just great. He reassured Bobby that nothing was the matter and quickly got off the phone with him. This was not his day.

       The good news was his clothes had dried enough to wear and he was thankful for that. There was no way he was going to stick around after what had just happened. He wanted to make breakfast for Castiel though. It would have to wait for another time and there will be another time; Dean was sure of it. He looked outside the door to see if Meg was still around. He was dressed but he didn't want to have an awkward confrontation. He heard her speaking to someone and she didn't seem to be in the living room. So, he jotted down a note and left before Meg came back again.

       He had really hoped to be there when Castiel woke up. There was apparently some misunderstandings between them. Dean was sure Castiel didn't understand his intentions. He seemed so surprised when Dean said he wasn't interested in any woman. He thought he made himself so clear. It was obvious he was flirting; he even asked him on a date! Why wasn't Castiel getting that he was interested in him? Dean knew Castiel liked him back, he had confessed his undying love under alcohol's influence, but why weren't they together already?

        Dean was so sure last night Castiel and he might actually further their relationship but Castiel had to chicken out. He saw him enter the bathroom while he was showering. He may have moved a bit to angle himself correctly so that Castiel could get a complete eyeful but who could blame him? He just wanted to tease Castiel and make him want to join him but he never did. Castiel was completely adorable, though, staring at him and then rushing away so quickly. Dean knew he had an effect on him.

        When he entered the room though, it seemed Castiel already took care of everything on his own. Dean was no fool; he knew what had occurred in that room. Castiel tried to pull the old I-was-sleeping-and-therefore-wasn't-just-jacking-off trick. Dean had pulled that off a couple of times when he had forgotten to lock his door and his parents or Sam wanted to see if he was still awake. He knew the signs besides Castiel was sloppy. The tissues were so obvious in the waist basket, the blanket looked like it was just thrown on him (Castiel always tucked a bit under himself before he slept) and then there was the laundry. It was great his laundry basket closed, but his underwear was a little stuck under the lid. Dean lifted it just to let the stained thing fall inside properly. It was humorous knowing Castiel tried so hard to cover it up and failed so badly. It was a pity though that he finished without him.

      He didn't know what Castiel thought when he slid into bed. He was obviously awake and Dean was obviously naked. It was suppose to lead to a very obvious conclusion. Instead, Castiel continued to pretend to be asleep. Dean thought of rolling him over but decided against that. He didn't need Castiel getting angry at him and just because he said he loved him, it didn't mean he would want to have sex right away. Dean wondered a bit if he was coming on too strong.

       He was coming on to Castiel very strongly. He had been doing so since the time he had saw him again so why wasn't this working the way he expected it to? Why wasn't Castiel understanding how he felt? It was as if he was refusing to believe Dean would be interested in him. Dean knew he wasn't exactly experienced in the being with men category, he always dated women, but that didn't mean it was impossible. There were plenty of bisexuals that had only dated one gender but that didn't make them less bisexual. There was never the right guy anyway but there probably wouldn't ever have been. Dean would be too busy comparing them to Castiel that he wouldn't really be able to get to them properly. Why couldn't Castiel see that he was it for him; that this was real?

       Fixing cars always helped clear his mind of things like this. Maybe after focusing on repairing a few things, he'd be able to figure out a plan to get Castiel to truly see his intentions. There had to be something he could do, right?

       The car that was brought in looked completely destroyed. He didn't understand why the guy wouldn't just get rid of it; the guy had enough money to just buy a new one. Which idiot owned this? Looking at the paper work it clearly spelled out Gabriel Novak. Gabriel was one of the cool brothers, how could he have done this to him? Well, he wasn't getting paid to just stare at it. It was time to see what parts needed replacing and what could be salvaged.

       The car took up most of his time and regrettably, he wasn't able to see Castiel in a while. Sure it had only be two days but a man had needs and between him having to fix Gabriel's mistake and Castiel running around to prepare for Lucifer coming home, they barely spoke at all in these two days. It was almost like Castiel was ignoring him again and Dean couldn't even take another day of that. Some parts hadn't come in yet and he told Bobby, he would focus on the car 100 % tomorrow if he could just have some time off. It had been a while and the few texts he shared with Castiel wasn't enough. Besides he already told him he'd help his family move in Lucifer's boxes and furniture. He was sure Gabriel would understand that since it was his car in the first place. Besides, he had plenty of time.

       He didn't know why he thought helping Lucifer move would give him more time with Castiel. If anything, he was left alone with his brothers more than with him. Castiel was going back and forward doing errands for Michael. He talked to lawyers earlier that morning and kept talking about some report. Michael didn't like Dean listening in on their conversation so he never really got to find out what that was all about.

        It was a bit selfish but Dean had only said he would help because he really thought he and Castiel were going to be around each other the entire time. If he knew this was going to happen, he wouldn't have volunteered. Lucifer was a nice guy and all but he had plenty of siblings that could help him move. He sighed as he picked up another heavy box. Why did he have to have so many boxes?

        A red car pulled up into the driveway. It was beat up, old and looked like it never had a day of love in its life. What a shame. It was one of those luxury types too. Well, it was probably great back in the 90s; it was definitely an old model. Out of the car popped out a little girl who raced in front of the house and stared at it in wonder. She had such large blue eyes that seemed to sparkle as much as her long golden hair. She was so pretty but Dean had never seen her before in his life. What was she doing here? Whose was she? Slowly, behind her came a man who was well in his forties or maybe he just looked older due to stress. He smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Why was he so familiar?

       “Well, hello there, Dean.” His voice was what Dean recognized when the man greeted him. Lucifer. This was Lucifer. What happened to him? He used to be known as a pretty boy but now he could see years of stress and worry really hardened his soft features. “I haven't seen you in forever.”

       “You haven't seen anyone in forever.” Michael passed by him quickly scooping up the little girl in his arms. She giggled and hugged him tightly. That must be Muriel then.

       “Thank you for your input, brother.” Lucifer called back with a small smile. Dean had never seen Lucifer smile when Michael was near. Those two were always at each others' throats; it caught him off guard seeing them actually act civil around each other. “What brings you here?”

       “I'm here to help with the moving.” Dean looked down at the box in his hands. “Cas said you guys could use all the help you can get.”

       “You're friends with Castiel again?” Lucifer tilted his head in a fashion that only the Novaks could perfect. “I thought you dumped him for Lisa?”

       “Lisa and I have been through for years and what the hell?” Dean couldn't believe what he had just heard. “I never dumped Cas.”

       “Right.” Lucifer didn't seem so convinced but turned his gaze elsewhere. He was looking behind him and smiled happily. Turning, Dean saw Becky waving excitedly at them. “Well, my mother wishes to see me so, it was fun talking to you.”

        Lucifer left Dean standing there with a heavy box that was only getting heavier as he stood idle. _Dumped Cas?_ There was never a time he told Castiel to leave. Dean never wanted Castiel to leave; he chose that path on his own. They had made plans in high school. They were going to live together, go to college together and who knew. Sure, Lisa was still in the picture at the time but Dean never wanted Castiel to leave. If there was a way to turn back time, he would have stopped him from boarding that plane but there was no turning back. He didn't stop him at that time but that didn't mean he dumped him. 

        As Dean was trying to figure out why Lucifer would put it like that a car entered the driveway. He had just placed the box in front of the basement door when he heard it roll up. Hope filled his chest as he raced outside to see Castiel's car in the driveway. He returned. Now, Dean could finally make the best of this whole moving business and try to get closer to Castiel. However, before he could get to him, Hannah with Muriel in hand walked over to his window and spoke to him. What was that all about?

       “Cas.” Dean walked up behind Hannah, looking over her at the man behind the wheel. Why was he just sitting in his car; he should be getting out already.

        “Sorry, Dean.” Castiel gave him a slightly disappointed look and sighed. “Muriel wants to go play at the park so Hannah and I were going to take her.”

       “Wait.” This was not how he planned it. This was supposed to be impress Castiel and win brownie points with his family day. This wasn't supposed to be the day Castiel doesn't spend any time with him. What was the point to even being here if Castiel wasn't going to be here? “Why can't Hannah go by herself?”

       “Because she hates children.”

       “I don't hate them.” Hannah shook her head looking at Castiel incredulously. “I'm just no good with kids.”

       “Then why are you even bothering?” Dean asked a little annoyed by the situation. Why was she taking Muriel anywhere? When they were young, Hannah frequently mentioned that she didn't really want kids when she grew up. It was obvious that the most logical conclusion to that would be that she hated kids. So, she didn't hate kids, alright; that didn't mean she had to drag Castiel with her. She didn't even have to watch the child. She could pass the responsibility to Gabriel. The man wrecked his car so they probably won't be able to go to the park, but he was sure with the supply of candy he always had, Muriel would be very happy.

       “Because Anna would have done it if she was here.” Hannah admitted looking down pitifully. Why did she have to look like that? Dean was starting to feel bad for her.

      “She'll be visiting shortly but in the meantime.” Castiel motioned for the two to enter his car. Muriel and Hannah quickly slid in the back seat and got buckled in. Turning back to Dean, Castiel nodded to him.“Good luck with the moving.”

       “I feel like you are just getting out of moving the furniture.” Dean teased but apparently Castiel didn't get the joke because he just frowned and turned on the ignition. What the hell? Why did he even say that. He was trying to gain points with Castiel not lose them.

       Castiel was gone; left to take Muriel to the park. Why was he even still here then? He knew why he was here. He had told Castiel he would help and even though his plans to hang out with Castiel while doing so were ruined, he couldn't go back on his word. He might as well just get this job done quickly.

       While he moved back towards the moving van, he noticed Gabriel was nearby. Gabriel, the ruiner of cars. He had quite a few things to say to that man. For one, he wanted to know why he was so desperate to transform a totaled car into what it looked like before in under a week. There were other cars their garage serviced. He couldn't just focus solely on his car and it wasn't like they were a big company. Bobby and Dean were the only mechanics there at the moment. John helped out here and there but for the most part, he was retired. Gabriel had to have known that.

       But before he could even approach the man to give him a piece of his mind, in a friendly way of course, he noticed Gabriel had a habit of angering more than just him. At the moment, Balthazar, Castiel's very loose morals brother, was glaring holes into Gabriel's face. His glare was so intense that Dean could practically feel the heat coming from that man's eyes. Balthazar wasn't one to get angry. In fact, this was the first time in his life he had ever seen the man so angry.

      “Gabe, if you don't stop taking all the light stuff out-”

       “You'll what, Balthy?” Gabriel was short. Dean didn't notice when he was younger but now that he had grown, he realized Gabriel was much smaller than the average guy around town. Despite that, he puffed up his chest and tried to appear intimidating to his older brother. Balthazar rolled his eyes and sighed, seeming to give up. This just made Gabriel smirk in triumph. “That's what I thought.”

       “Take some of the heavier things, Gabe.” Gadreel said as he moved around in the back of the truck. He was moving all the boxes from the back to the edge so that everyone could grab them easier.

      “Nope.” Gabriel just held on to the small lamp that started the whole mess. “Not my fault Michael didn't get movers.”

       “It's supposed to be a family thing.” Gadreel looked down at the boxes he had moved towards the edge a little sad. Balthazar sighed heavily and grabbed a box from the truck.

      “That's why Naomi, Bartholomew and Anna aren't here right?” Gabriel asked sounding a little bitter. “Oh, and Samandriel.”

      “Samandriel finished his finals.” Balthazar struggled to hold the box as he spoke.“He'll be here in a week once everything is done.”

      “And the other three?” No one had an answer for that. Gadreel just walked back towards the back of the truck a little disappointed. Gabriel nodded and walked away with his very light lamp while Balthazar glared at him the whole way. He wasn't alone. Dean saw he wasn't going to get Gabriel alone any time soon to speak his mind so he resorted in glaring as well. Once he was far away enough, Dean approached the other two.

      “What's going on here?”

      “Family problems no need for you to interfere.” Balthazar shifted the box in his arms and went to walk away. “You aren't part of the family yet.”

       “Dean is sort of like family.” Gadreel hopped out of the truck and stopped his brother from leaving. Dean could see Balthazar was in a hurry to get inside. The box he held was probably very heavy.“We've known him since he was little.”

      “Until he starts banging Cassie the way that poor boy desperately needs it, I don't think so.” Quickly, Balthazar went towards the house.

      “Balth!” Gadreel called out completely scandalized by his comment. Dean said nothing because he was too busy trying to hide the blush that he was certain had already taken over his face.

      “I say it how I see it.” Balthazar said loudly as he reached the front door and disappeared into the house. He was always known to be the one who said inappropriate things but this was the first time Dean had heard him say something so vulgar about his relations with Castiel. He and Castiel weren't even dating and yet Balthazar said something like that; it took him completely off guard.

      What did he come here for? For a moment, Dean forgot why he had approached the truck in the first place. He was so wrapped up in thinking about Balthazar's comment that he forgot all about helping Lucifer move. He turned to look at the boxes at the edge of the back of the truck. Might as well get back to moving. Before he could grab a box, Gadreel sat down on the open space on the ledge and peered at him.

      “I know you were good friends with Castiel once.” Once? Dean was still good friends with Castiel or at least thought he was. He knew they had their moments but he was sure they were still friends. Castiel and him just texted each other this morning over what Dean was going to do today and what kind of not-a-friend came to help someone's brother move in? Not noticing Dean's offended expression, Gadreel continued. “I know you even protected him and I'm very thankful for that. With all that Castiel had to go through, I'm glad you were there. But you weren't there when he cried at home after some awful days and I pray to God you won't be the cause of him doing so again.”

      “I would never hurt Cas.” He really meant what he said. Dean never ever wanted to hurt Castiel. There was never a time he could even think of doing such a thing.

      “Right.” Gadreel nodded but didn't look convinced. “I love my brothers and sisters more than anything and I would be very unhappy to find out you broke Castiel's heart again.”

      “Again?” _All you ever do is hurt me._ Dean could hear Castiel's words in his mind. Did Gadreel know what Castiel meant by that? Dean had some suspicions but nothing concrete. Before he could ask, Gadreel hopped back to his feet and grabbed a box.

      “Let us continue moving the furniture.”

      “Alright.” Dean was still a bit unhappy with the whole conversation. “But what do you mean 'again'?”

      “All I know is what I was told. I didn't live at home at the time.” Gadreel admitted looking like he didn't want to have the conversation anymore than Dean. “If you want to know ask someone else. I said my peace.” 

      It was back in high school that Castiel began acting strange. Dean remembered it was around the time Castiel got hurt and had to use crutches. Dean figured it only had to do with his lack of mobility but now he wondered if there was something much deeper that had gone on at that time. Castiel had told him he had always loved him but from what time? Always always?

      Castiel's siblings came and went in regards to living at home. The only two that were consistently there for most of Castiel's high school career and able to know anything about this were Gabriel and Lucifer. It was pretty clear with Gabriel's attitude and strange hurrying whenever Dean entered the room, he wasn't going to get anywhere with him. Dean had resorted to shooting him pissed off looks whenever he saw him; the man killed his car. No, the only one he was going to get anything out of was Lucifer.

      Lucifer was strange though. Dean had never had an occasion where he was left alone to speak to him. In fact, he never knew of anyone that actually spoke to Lucifer besides his family. Whenever he was over, Lucifer rarely came out from the basement and someone would always be sent to yell down to him to eat or receive something. It was so strange because Dean never really got to know who the basement dweller was. All he had was a name and a glance of him here and there. Once in a while he would hear him talk. Dean remembered his voice because it was always strangely calm. He distantly wondered what Castiel thought of Lucifer; he had to live with the strange guy.

      He was the best candidate though but how was he going to get him alone? It wasn't like anyone in the Novak family was alone for very long and Dean didn't want all his laundry being aired out in the open. _They probably all know and aren't saying anything._ It was a horrible thought but if he didn't get so many knowing looks, he wouldn't have thought of it. He didn't want to think Castiel blabbed to all of them but then again, even if he did, was that really a problem? It wasn't like he told Castiel a secret that he shared to everyone; this was about his personal feelings and Dean had no right to limit him from saying it to others but, damn, if it didn't make him feel uncomfortable being the only one that didn't know.

      Castiel came back while they were pulling out the last few boxes. Hannah mentioned she had something she had to do and wouldn't be back until a few days later. Dean wasn't really paying attention but he heard her say something about picking up a friend. It wasn't any of his business anyway. Besides, Castiel was back and that instantly made everything better. Well, would have if Muriel didn't drag him towards the yard to play with her.

      “That girl is dragging Cas everywhere.” Dean muttered bitterly not aware someone had walked up behind him.

      “Yes, Muriel is a sweetheart. She just loves people.” Dean hadn't heard that voice many times but he knew who was behind him. It was Lucifer looking very proud at his daughter dragging along her uncle. “I tried raising her right and I'd like to think I'm doing a good job.”

       He wasn't sure if Lucifer realized the tone in his voice when he was muttering about his daughter. Apparently, he wasn't upset so that had to be a good sign. Dean was not about to have one of Castiel's brothers hate him even if it was just the basement dweller. Speaking of which, he was hoping to have that chat with him but they weren't exactly alone. Castiel was only a few yards away smiling at little Muriel, who was putting flowers in his hair. This was no place to really discuss anything. He was sure Castiel was too busy and far enough not to hear them but there was something off putting about talking about someone you could still see.

      Dean sighed. Perhaps he would never know. There wasn't many boxes left and the rest of the day would be resting and maybe hanging out with Castiel if the child ever let him. Also, Lucifer was never one for conversation; that's why he was shocked when he started to speak.

       “By the way, where is your child? Perhaps the two of them-”

       “I have no child.” Dean looked at Lucifer confused. He thought everyone in town knew Lisa's kid wasn't his. Then again, Lucifer hadn't been in town for a long time.

      “Strange.” Lucifer looked back at his daughter and smiled but it wasn't the kind smile he had earlier. In fact, Dean was pretty sure such a tight smile wasn't meant for Muriel at all; Lucifer just didn't want to look at him. “I thought Lisa was pregnant.”

      “She was. He- He wasn't mine.”

       “All that drama for nothing.” Lucifer sounded amused but that only seemed to irk Dean a little. What was so funny? Did he miss some sort of joke?

      “What?”

      “Oh, nothing.” When someone said it like that, there definitely was something. Dean didn't care if Lucifer told him but he wished he would stop looking so damn amused. Turning to him, Lucifer smirked which just seemed to bother Dean more. The man spoke softly in a weird sympathetic tone but Dean could tell it was mocking him. “I just think it was ridiculous that before knowing if the child was yours you wanted to assume responsibility.”

      “I loved Lisa.” Dean could admit that he had feelings for her at the time. He loved Lisa and he knew he did. He just didn't love her the way he had wished to. Not the way he loved Castiel. “It made sense to me to want to take care of her.”

      “Even if that decision hurt others?” He knew where this was going. He knew what Lucifer was trying to get him to see. Did Gadreel explain his little talk to him or did Lucifer just decide on his own to come over and stab him with a metaphorical knife.

      “I know what you are trying to get at and I was young okay.” Dean was starting to get really irritated now. He knew he messed up. He got it. He didn't need Gadreel or Lucifer reminding him of how much of an asshole he probably was in high school. “I also had no idea that Cas may have-”

      “So, you know now?” Lucifer nodded as he spoke. “Interesting.”

      Dean wanted to tell Lucifer off but he knew he couldn't. The man was right to be a bit unhappy with what had happened. Maybe it was because of Dean that Castiel left. _All that drama._ When Dean had told Castiel that Lisa was pregnant and that he was going to marry her, Castiel had begun ignoring him. Dean remembered feeling so distraught not being able to be with his best friend at such a crucial time. It was because of him that Castiel drifted away, wasn't it?

      “I'm not going to give you a big brother speech or tell you to leave him alone.” Lucifer told him noticing Dean being deep in thought. “I just want you to know that it was painful watching my brother become a shadow of himself because someone he loved so desperately not only refused to notice but was telling him every time they spoke that he was going to be with someone else and even have a family.”

       “I didn't know.” Every time he spoke to Castiel that year, he hurt him. _All you ever do is hurt me._ He drove Castiel away. It was his fault all their plans were destroyed; why Castiel chose Notre Dame and not the university they had agreed on; why Dean was alone in his home. It was all his fault. If he had known, he would have chased after Castiel. If he knew how Castiel felt, he wouldn't have said anything. He wouldn't have tried to marry Lisa. He would of- What would he have done? Dean didn't even know. He just knew all the things he wouldn't have done.

      “But you know now.” Lucifer spoke again but he didn't say it as a hint or anything that may lead Dean to a conclusion. No, he said as a mere statement and nothing more.

       “What does that do for me?” Now when his mind was filled with nothing but what he shouldn't have done and his heart was full of regret, where did any of this lead him? What was it that he could do now knowing this information?

       “Absolutely nothing but at least you know.” Lucifer shrugged and walked back in the house. Dean looked down at the walkway beneath his feet. This didn't clear up anything. It was clear that he was jerk and that was about it. It didn't make anything clear in the sense that it rid any questions or help him in anyway. It was like having a car that had just a little dirt on it and try to clean it with a rag dipped in mud; it just got dirtier. What could he have done? Why didn't anyone tell him? Why didn't Castiel say anything? Could Castiel have said anything with Dean parading his maybe marriage in his face?

      Benny tried to tell him. Benny tried in that way he always used; hints. Dean didn't take hints. It was obvious it wasn't his sort of thing since he didn't even notice Castiel's love for him or his discomfort during their senior year. He was such a fool. He couldn't even look back at Castiel playing with Muriel, he just felt like he hurt him too much. Looking at him would make him think about it more so without giving him another glance, Dean walked back into the house.

       Questions still flooded his head. Why did Castiel even want to be around him anymore? _Why can't I stop loving you?_ It was a valid question. Everything Castiel said that night when he was drunk was starting to make perfect sense. The hesitation Castiel had made sense. He loved Dean for so long and all Dean did was remain oblivious. Of course, he wouldn't believe Dean liked him back. All he did was hurt him but why did Castiel even love him still? He didn't deserve it.

      “I got you some tea.” Dean hadn't realized he was sitting in their lounge until he heard Inias speak. Tea? Inias didn't look at him with annoyance or apprehension. He didn't seem to stiffen up like Michael in his presence or cast knowing looks like Balthazar. He didn't frown like Lucifer, avoid him like Gabriel or seem uneasy like Gadreel. He just smiled politely and offered him tea.

      “Thanks, kid.” Dean wasn't really a tea person. He drank it but it wasn't what he preferred. It wasn't that he preferred coffee either. Usually, he just preferred beer as the beverage of choice and he was really hoping for some of that right now. But it would be wrong to drink beer here or even ask Inias to bring him any. “You're the only person that's acting normal around me.”

       “Normal?” Inias tilted his head in confusion. Why were all the Novaks like that? “The others are acting strange?”

       “Is Cas done humoring Muriel?” Dean felt awful. He felt completely awful but there was nothing he could do. He can't change the past and all he could do was treat Castiel right. Maybe he could make sure Castiel never hurt like that again and prove to him that he would treat him right. But why should Castiel be with him? He wasn't worth much and he already established he was an asshole. He could do so much better.

      “Oh, Michael took him to go talk about some things.” Inias informed him. Those damn business talks. Business was meant to stay at the company. Michael needed to learn where work was expected to be preformed and discussed and where it wasn't. “It's probably business related so we shouldn't bother them. Are you staying for dinner? Mom needs to know.”

      “I-” There was no guarantee that Castiel would be there at dinner. He most likely would but if he wasn't Dean would face an onslaught of brotherly protection. Thankfully, Hannah seemed unaware about everything but she left. Also, Dean had to think things out. He needed to think about what he could offer Castiel and how he could fix what he broke to pieces. Castiel might forgive him and may even think it isn't broken but he could see the pieces on the floor. He had to make this right. “Maybe some other time.”

       “Oh, well it was nice having you here again.” Inias told him genuinely and it warmed Dean's heart to think someone still welcomed him there. Besides Becky, of course, but Dean figured she was just cheery with everyone.“Hope to see you again.”

       When Dean began to leave, he didn't even see Castiel's car anymore. Did he just leave without saying goodbye? No, Castiel wouldn't do that. He probably was on another errand for Michael which was ridiculous. He said goodbye to everyone from a distance not wanting to stay there by himself for much longer. Becky had gave him a huge hug and Lucifer and Gadreel just nodded at him. Gabriel had already left and Dean wished Balthazar had too because he was not prepared for that hug and having the man wrap one leg around him. It would have been worse if Castiel returned at that moment but thankfully, he didn't. In the end, it was getting late and he wasn't supposed to spend all his time here; he had that car to fix and dinner with his parents, so he texted Castiel that he was leaving and left it at that.

      In the end, He and Bobby were able to fix it all before the deadline. Dean took a lot of time working on the body and he would like to think it looked better than before the crash. Gabriel came to pick it up when Dean wasn't there. though. Perhaps, he saw one of the looks Dean had given him before during the moving. Good.

      Things still hadn't progressed with Castiel though. They texted here and there but Castiel was so busy with Lucifer's situation that Dean didn't think it would be right to bother him. He wasn't ignoring him. He thought about the idea for a while but seeing how busy everyone in the Novak household was when he helped them move in Lucifer, he knew he really was just busy. Lucifer's situation was tough and he almost wasn't allowed to take Muriel out of the state to live in his family's house. Castiel was dealing with lawyers and running back and forward; Michael was as well. Dean knew he'd just get in the way if he tried to help so he decided he would just wait until things calmed down. He could wait. He already waited eight years what was a few more weeks?

       Sam's summer break came sooner than he expected it. One day he was helping Lucifer move in and the next he got a call saying Sam was heading home. So, perhaps he was a bit busy as well. It was nice to have Sam home; it distracted him from checking his phone every minute of the day in hopes Castiel would finally have some free time and agree to go somewhere with him. Couldn't Michael handle the situation on his own? He had a secretary; why couldn't he use her instead of Castiel?

      Maybe Castiel was avoiding him again. Dean couldn't help but think of that possibility. He had hurt him so much in the past and now knew that Castiel probably didn't even believe he liked him in that sense. Castiel probably did want to avoid him in order to protect his heart. But they still texted and it seemed like everything was alright. Dean wasn't sure what was going on anymore. He knew Castiel was hesitant and probably lacked confidence as well and it was all his fault. He was such a fool in high school and he had to make it up to Castiel some how. He had to find a way to say his feelings without any doubt. The problem was he wasn't that much of a sharing kind of guy. What could he say? Maybe he needed something to make some sort of gesture that would solidify that he was interested in Castiel and apologize at the same time. Was that cheesy? Maybe it was cheesy. This wasn't a romance movie and he was definitely not the star. If he didn't think of something fast, he may end up just a supporting character. He didn't want that at all. He was so lost in his thoughts that he was unaware of the two people entering the garage.

      “He can fix your car, Hannah.” He heard Sam's voice but he didn't really listen to what he was saying. When did he get here? Why hadn't he heard him come in?

      “There's nothing wrong with my car, whippersnapper.” When he heard the woman's voice, he perked up immediately. He didn't really hear what she said but he knew one thing; she was a woman and she was with Sam. Did his brother move on that quickly? Was this his new girlfriend?

      “The rattling noise it makes is not normal.” Sam told his lady friend as Dean slid out from under the vehicle.“I don't know what you are thinking.”

      “It got you here in one piece.” The woman argued with a confident tone.

      “If you don't fix it, I'm taking a plane back once this break ends.”

      “Hey, Sammy.” Dean got up on his feet and smiled up at his brother. He then glanced over and noticed a familiar face. “Hello, Hannah?”

       “Sam insists I get my car looked over by you.” Hannah was telling him something. He knew she was but he couldn't get over that she was there. She was with Sam; standing all close to each other. She was Castiel's older sister not younger. What the hell was going on?

      “It keeps making a rattling noise.” Sam explained to him and had expected Dean to say something. Dean heard him. He did. He actually paid attention this time but why were those two together? Did they both come here in the same car? Sam didn't have a car here now that he thought about it. So, unless he walked, Hannah drove him here.

       Sam was staring at him waiting for him to answer. Dean hadn't even noticed how long he had stayed quiet or how awkward both Sam and Hannah were starting to feel standing in front of someone who was just staring at them. It was a good thing Dean noticed their uncomfortable looks and cleared his throat immediately.

       “When did you first hear it?” Looking over at the car, he noticed she left it on. It seemed to have a broken headlight and though he couldn't hear the rattling noise from where he was, he was sure there was going to be quite some work to be done. What was with the Novaks and breaking their cars?

       “On the road here.” Sam told him. He spoke before even Hannah spoke. On the way, over here or a different time? Wait. Dean paused as he gave the two another glance. Sam had said someone drove him from Stanford. He remembered back at the Novak's home that Hannah said she was picking up a friend.

       “Hannah's that friend that brought you?” Immediately, when he asked, Sam's face flushed red. He hit the nail on the head. Sam and Hannah in a car together driving for hours. Lot of things could happen on road trips. Dean smiled in a way to let Sam know he was completely on to him. Sam seemed to shift uncomfortably when he saw it. “I can take a look at it.”

       “But I have to go to work at five.” Hannah looked a little worried but Sam immediately turned to her.

       “It'll probably be done by then.” How did he know? Was he the mechanic here? Dean knew it probably wasn't going to take nearly as long as Gabriel's and he knew he probably didn't need to order any parts. Well, maybe. Who knew how Hannah took care of her cars.

        “I'll call Lucifer just in case.” She took out her cell and began walking back towards her car. Sam watched her as she left and that little smile he had didn't escape Dean's notice.

        “So, Hannah.” He leaned over looking up at his brother with a teasing smile. “She's like six years older than you.”

       “So?” Sam got very tense. He straightened up and his eyes narrowed. So defensive. Dean knew he would only be that defensive if he really cared about her. It wasn't so long ago that he was dumped either. So, what was happening here?

        “You got yourself a cougar?” Dean teased and Sam reacted in the way he knew he would.

       “Shut up, Dean. It's not like that.” Sam may have sounded irritated and even look irritated to anyone else but Dean noticed the guilty vibe coming from his little brother.

       “She rode all the way to get you from Stanford.” Dean smiled wider when he noticed Sam purposely turning away from his gaze unwilling to look him in the eyes. “I think it is exactly like that.”

        “Just find what's wrong with her car.” No more fighting about it? Dean supposed Sam really couldn't argue when all the evidence was staring him in the face. But it didn't seem like he was going to do anything about it. Dean knew his little brother and he didn't really have the best luck with women. He wasn't the type to make the first move and that left him pretty lonely most of the time. Hannah was an older woman and she may not be what Dean was expecting Sam to be into but he wasn't going to let his little brother let this one pass by. Sure, he just got from one relationship but the best thing to heal a broken heart is to find love again.

       “I'll tell you what. You ask her on a date, and I'll do my best to make her car run in tip top order. Free of charge.”

       “I'm not just going to ask her on a date for free car repairs.” Sam was embarrassed; Dean could tell. He probably hadn't realized himself that he may have feelings for Hannah. Sam was a little naive when it came to love. He believed those stories of true love and needing time to heal a broken heart. When Castiel rejected him, he even declared he would never love again. Seemed that didn't work out the way he planned and neither did this.

        People can't just put a time frame on when your heart heals. People say they shouldn't fall in love with another because that would mean they didn't really love the person who left. Dean thought those people were morons. He had fallen in love before. Love just wasn't always the same and you can love two people romantically but differently. Dean loved Lisa once but it died out quickly. But he did love her once. At one point, he was in love with Lisa and Castiel but didn't realize it. In the end, only Castiel remained in his heart and though he tried to move on, he never truly did. His love was stronger for Castiel than with Lisa but he would never say he never loved Lisa romantically because there was once a time he did. Where his heart never moved on from Castiel, Sam's moved on quickly. Sam starting dating in high school but Dean would never say Sam never loved Castiel. He knew that it was probably real but Sam was different from him; his heart just healed faster. Depending on the person, Dean figured a broken heart healed differently. There was no break with Lisa; no true break. His heart just drifted away because everything that made him love Lisa was gone. She wasn't as selfless as he had thought and she wasn't that much different from other girls. He just stopped caring.

        Sam spoke about Jessica a lot but from what he said Dean could never figure out the girl's personality. He knew what she was studying in school and he knew she liked to bring Sam to be with a group of friends, the same group Sam lost because of Brady. She baked. Sam didn't really say much about their relationship and when they broke up, he seemed down but not to the point of tears. Dean remembered how much he cried the day Castiel left. He didn't even cry when Lisa packed up her bags and took Ben with her. It was different for many different reasons.

        “Ask what for what?” Hannah's voice brought him back to the garage. He was a little shocked to see her entering looking as confused as he felt. Sam was at a loss. He just blushed and looked away. No, this was not going to happen. Dean was going to make sure his brother didn't just pass up on a good opportunity.

        “Sammy, wants to ask you out tonight.” He told her ignoring the angry glare his brother shot at him.

        “But I work tonight at the hospital.” Hannah bit her bottom lip and actually looked worried. She wasn't just giving an excuse. She seemed genuinely fine with being asked out. Perhaps it was in her expression that Sam found some courage to speak up.

       “How about some coffee?” He asked quickly. “Before you go to work?”

        “That a boy, Sammy.” Dean was very proud of his little brother. Finally, he was making the first move.

        “Alright, Sam.” Hannah nodded. “Your treat.”

       She handed the keys of her car to Dean and winked. So, she did hear their conversation. Dean was pretty glad she was the one Sam was picking. He wouldn't mind calling her sister-in-law. If Castiel and him could finally get together, she would be his double sister-in-law. It would be perfect.

       She walked away slowly giving Sam eyes that Dean had seen from countless women when they wanted one thing: The guy they were aimed at. Sam stood rigidly with some sort of daze expression. What was that all about? The woman was waiting for him. She wasn't going to walk to the coffee shop alone.

        “Go get her, tiger.” Dean slapped his brother's back and it was like he pushed the on button. Immediately, Sam rushed to Hannah's side with this shy smile. Hannah smiled up at him and Dean could see his brother battling with himself. He saw his hand move towards hers but then falter afraid to grab her hand too soon. Hannah glanced down at his hand and just smirked but made no effort to grab it. She just allowed him to battle with himself over grabbing her hand or not. Sam just decided to keep his hands to himself but would glance at Hannah's hand with a little bit of longing. Dean shook his head in amusement. Sam was so transparent. They were up the sidewalk a bit before Hannah grabbed his hand quickly without even looking at him. Awkward couple but it worked. Dean nodded to himself; he was an awesome older brother.

        Speaking of older brothers, it was about time he gave Gabriel a visit. The man destroyed his car, didn't help much with the moving, avoided him, and then tried to slip by unnoticed? That was not going to happen. The moment Dean had a break, he was going to pay the candy store a visit. Besides, there might be something he could get Castiel. Something that would let him see that he was serious.

        Candy wasn't that serious though. Maybe he could ask Gabriel about what he could do. Then again, he hadn't been doing so well when it came to the brothers of Castiel. They all seemed to agree that he wasn't the best person to be hanging around their precious younger brother. But this was Gabriel.

       Gabriel had always been a chill guy from the first time he met him. He wouldn't give him a hard time. Then again, the state of the car Gabriel gave them to fix and that time limit. Now that Dean thought about it a week wasn't that bad. It could have been worse, he could have had only days. Maybe he should just let him off and not talk to him about it. But the car didn't deserve that. Gabriel really needed to understand how to take care of his vehicles.

       “Dean-o.” Gabriel greeted him cheerily as if he didn't even know what he had done. “And what do I owe the pleasure?”

       “You killed your car.” Dean expected him to look upset or a little ashamed at least. Instead, Gabriel just smiled happily at him as if Dean was grateful the event had taken place. No one would be happy about extra work, all those hours spent fixing up the body and getting parts for all those smashed parts. Almost everything under the hood was new or partially new. The hood itself was new! Dean basically reconstructed the front and Gabriel should consider himself lucky that Dean knew how to revive a car like that so quickly. Not demand it be done in such a small time period as if he didn't even care about Dean's social life. He had a social life. Somewhere.

       “You revived it.” Gabriel looked at him amused as if he could read his mind. Dean was getting sick of Castiel's brothers finding him amusing.

       “Why did you even smash it in the first place?”

       “Michael told me about Lucifer and well, I was shocked. You can see by the evidence.” He knew Gabriel would be shocked to hear about his brother but shocked enough to swerve off the road and crash? Dean shook his head. It wasn't like saying anything could turn back time anyway and he supposed Gabriel was pretty surprised by the news back then.

       All of his anger just went away; not because he forgave him or anything but because he really couldn't find it in him to argue about it. Besides, this was Gabriel. No one stayed mad at Gabriel for too long. Even though he was a bit of a trickster, Dean really like this guys style. He was amusing at least.

      Now he didn't know what to say to him. He was going to talk about the car a bit and maybe about that whole moving problem he had. He didn't know why Gabriel had been so lazy before. Also, he had planned on talking to him about Castiel. Maybe get some advice but perhaps, Gabriel wasn't the best to get advice from. No, the man had never really grew up and also, Dean did start about the car which made the mood a little strange. Actually, it just made everything a bit awkward. He was starting to wonder why he even came and if he should just leave.

      “Thanks for helping him move in by the way. Though I think you did it for another reason than just from the kindness of your own heart.” Gabriel was the one to break the silence giving Dean a knowing look.

       “I don't know what you are talking about.” Dean turned to look anywhere but at Gabriel. That was when he noticed some strange items on one of the shelves. It was like a flower pot, a decorative one that people got when they bought flowers as a gift. It had the shiny gift paper around it and from it were “flowers”. They were things like wrapped up lollipops and sticks with red wrapped heart shaped candies. It was the strangest thing he ever saw. Underneath the weird item was a sign that read: Make your own candy bouquet! “Candy bouquets?”

      “Hey, people like them.” Gabriel moved towards the shelf and took a weird menu that was next to the pot and handed it to Dean. “Much more delicious than flowers.”

       Flowers was old fashioned. Also, he was a guy and Castiel was a guy and that just didn't seem like a good gift in his opinion. Can't just hand a dude some flowers; it was weird to him. He could hear Sam in his head chastising him for gender stereotyping or whatever his nerdy brother would call it. Dean didn't know and he didn't care. Dudes just don't give dudes flowers. Period. Besides, Castiel, also, didn't like flowers because he said they were like dead bodies of plants but he did like bees and a real potted flower may attract bees. But would Castiel take care of one properly? Also, Dean still didn't like the idea. Even if he listened to Sam's mumbo jumbo, it was still lame. Everyone and their mother was giving flowers to their loved ones. This would be different. But Castiel, also, didn't like candy. He liked chocolate though.

      “I'll take one.” This could be the thing to show Castiel that he was seriously interested in him. There is no way he could have a misunderstanding about this.

      “What would you like it to be primarily of?” Gabriel asked gesturing to the menu.

      “Uh, Cas likes chocolate right?” Dean opened the menu to find chocolate and holy cow, there were more than one type of chocolate? Chocolate was chocolate right? Dean figured they were all good so maybe he should get one of each.

       “You giving a bouquet to my brother?” Gabriel squinted his eyes at Dean in a weirdly familiar way. He didn't seem so happy about that news. Why? Dean thought they were cool with each other. “Romantic. It's exactly not like you.”

       “Hey, I can be romantic if I want.” Dean would be lying if he said he didn't feel a little insulted by Gabriel's words but part of him knew he hadn't actually been the most romantic person in the world. All his past girlfriends didn't get flowers or anything. It wasn't that he didn't like them or cared for them it was just not his style but that didn't mean he couldn't be romantic if he wanted to.

      “Sure, you can.” Gabriel rolled his eyes and snatched the menu from Dean's hands. He was reading that menu! Did Gabriel want his business or not? Also, why was he even acting like this? What was with all of Castiel's brothers treating him like this? The only decent one right now was Inias.

       “What are you trying to say?”

       “Hopefully, this isn't another let's have something semi romantic and let me ruin it completely thing.” What? That didn't even make sense. What was Gabriel even saying?

      “Another?” Dean shook his head as he spoke. “I'm not a romantic sort of guy. I haven't done anything at all like this.”

      “The fair.” Gabriel told him as if the answer was so obvious. The fair? What fair? “Remember back when you were in 10th grade or something.”

      “That was just friends going to the fair and Castiel ditched me.” Why would that even be considered romantic? He guessed if it was just him and Lisa it would have been a date and that would have been messed up by the fact Castiel was there but Lisa had known how things were. She had known that it was just going to be a group thing and not a date thing. So, it wasn't like he ruined that completely.

      “If I recall correctly, you ignored him, didn't listen at all to where he wanted to go and ran off with your girlfriend.” Gabriel reminded him and Dean had to think back to that time. He remembered Lisa was taking up most of his attention at the time but Castiel was so quiet and he just hung out in the back. Did he say anything to him? Was it possible that Castiel had requested to go somewhere and he didn't notice?

      “Hey, it comes with the territory.” Dean told Gabriel but part of him was actually feeling a bit guilty. Castiel was shy back then and probably wouldn't have left them if everything had been alright. He probably didn't even get to do the things he wanted to do back then because of Dean and Lisa. But Dean reasoned that Castiel, like him, probably grew bored of fairs since he probably went to them every year. “I mean. We were friends and it was just a fair.”

       “Cassie had never gone to a fair before.” It had to be a lie. Dean stared at Gabriel in shock.

       “What?” He was expecting to see the man laugh and tell him he was just joking but that never came. It was true. Castiel had never gone to a fair before that time. Dean just thought everyone went to the fair when they were young. His family was no where near as wealthy as the Novaks and yet they always went to fairs whenever they were around.

“That was his first fair.” Gabriel told him again and it was still as shocking to hear as the first time. “And instead of introducing him to all the wonders of the fair, you ditch him for a hot piece of ass.”

       He ruined fairs for Castiel. It must have been boring following around him and Lisa and just watching him play for prizes. Castiel wouldn't know what was worthwhile or not on his own and knowing Castiel, he wouldn't want to try everything on his own. He would be unsure what to do with him or Lisa showing him the way and they never did. It was his first fair and at the time, Castiel was already in love with him wasn't he? Dean never thought about it when he first heard Castiel say he was always in love with him. All that time, Castiel was in love with him and he was so excited to go to the fair. Dean didn't remember if he mentioned Lisa when he invited Castiel. That would have been horrible, wouldn't it have been? Thinking you were going to be alone and find out there was your rival in the front seat? Then, of course, Dean basically flaunted his relationship in his face. What a horrible first experience.

       “I didn't know.” It wasn't a good enough excuse. Not knowing didn't mean he didn't hurt Castiel then.

      “Well, now you do.” Gabriel said it like it meant something. It didn't mean anything. Knowing now didn't change the past and Dean knew he screwed up. He screwed up so much that he didn't even know why Castiel still liked him. He didn't deserve it. He was the scum of the Earth and he certainly felt like it. Now he knew why Castiel wanted to be far away after senior year; he wouldn't have wanted to be near himself either.

       “Chocolate right?” He was still going to give him the bouquet? After all that, he was still going to help him get one for Castiel? Dean didn't understand it at all.

       “Right.” No. No, a bouquet wasn't enough. Not after everything he had put Castiel through. “On second thought. Never mind.”

       “Well, alright.” Gabriel didn't seem bothered at all that Dean changed his mind. He, also, didn't seem bothered when Dean left and hurried to his car. It didn't matter what Gabriel thought anyway; all that mattered was what Castiel thought.

       He was going to make this right. He didn't know why Castiel still cared for him after all this time but he was going to make sure he knew exactly how he felt. He was going to show Castiel that he was serious about him and he wasn't going to mess this up anymore. From now on, he was going to treat him right and he knew exactly where to start. He was going to have to wait a while since it was still summer and there was a few months he had to wait through. It was alright. What was a few months more? He could wait a little longer. He would make sure he made up for all the nonsense he put Castiel through and if that meant waiting a bit longer to make it all right, then he would. All he needed was for Castiel to wait for him; just a little longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long. I have a lot of things happening in my personal life. Also, this chapter wasn't supposed to include him helping the move and all but I couldn't see where we would get from last chapter to Dean seeing Sam and Hannah. (It was originally just him talking to Sam and Hannah and then seeing Gabriel for reasons other than a messed up car) Things changed as I began writing.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: More Than Words- Extreme (1990)

        Castiel knew something was going on. They may have had an eight year break in their friendship but Castiel knew Dean well enough to know he was up to something. He just didn't know what it was and the little time he spent with him gave him no indication of what it could be. When they texted each other, Dean seemed his normal self. When they were on the phone, Dean wasn't very talkative. Dean had never been talkative on the phone and sometimes their phone conversations were full of strange silences but Dean was strangely quieter than usual. Usually he would say how his day was and Castiel would say his and then they would go into the silent parts. Now, it seemed it was only the silent parts.

        Castiel figured if he was on the phone with anyone else, they would have questioned why they called and hung up. If there was no reason for the phone call, why stay on the line? Dean was different but he always had been. They never had a reason to call each other, they just did. Even now Dean just called Castiel almost every night probably out of habit. They didn't even talk about their day anymore; they would just be on the phone doing what they would normally do without the phone there but neither one of them wanted to hang up. It was common for Dean to be watching a television program while Castiel caught up on work. He would say one or two words about the program and Castiel would join in and comment about what he heard about but he never really watched the program nor did he really have a conversation with Dean. It was the same with his work, when he found something difficult, he complained and Dean listened. Castiel knew Dean knew nothing of his job just as he knew nothing of the program he watched but just like Castiel, he would comment back and suggest something. It wasn't really a conversation as it was more like they were just keeping each other company on the phone.

       Then, they would meet in person. It became less frequent as Castiel's job didn't allow a lot of free time. Michael only trusted him, of course, and that meant having more things added to his workload. The politics of his job was really starting to strangle his personal life not that he had much of it before. It wasn't like he had any friends and he still ate his lunch at his desk alone. Well, until today.

       Castiel was shocked when a small lunch box was slammed on his table. It was a lunch box with Harry Potter in the front. Castiel didn't know much about Harry Potter but he did look it up when he heard Charlie mention it a lot. He just wanted to know more about it because he was still hoping he and Charlie could be friends; she was the only one who paid him any attention in a friendly manner. He even thought about buying the first book and reading it just to have something to talk to Charlie about. She always talked about things he didn't quite understand.

       “Why are you always eating by yourself?” Charlie asked him as she opened her lunch box. People probably would tease someone for having such a container for their meal but Castiel just admired Charlie for the fact that when she liked something, she truly loved it no matter what. She wasn't afraid to show her love for any of it and that was something Castiel could never do. He tended to keep things professional and rarely spoke of things he liked to anyone else. Those were things he enjoyed on his own time and didn't flaunt in anyway. What did he even like anyway? Castiel wasn't even sure.

       “Are you going to answer me or just stare at my lunch box?” Charlie spoke again when she didn't receive an answer.

       “My apologies.” Castiel straightened up immediately. “I was just- I don't know.”

       “So, why are you here by yourself?” She was smiling now though Castiel wasn't sure what she was smiling about. He didn't see anything humorous here. Was there something on his face?

       “I can get more work done at my desk.” He didn't want to say it was because he had no one to sit with him. He didn't want to sound like a loser.

       “Cool.” She nodded with a small smile. “Cafeterias are overrated anyway. Right?”

       Castiel shrugged and smiled awkwardly. What else could he say? What was the proper response to that? He didn't think cafeterias were rated much by people at work. He never heard them talking about the subject so he wasn't sure how to respond to her. She didn't say much afterwards either. She just began taking out some things from her lunch box and setting them in front of her. What should he talk about? Work? No, you don't talk about work when you are trying to make friends; Dean told him that. So, what could he talk about? He remember Dean telling him to look for something he had in common with them but what did he have in common with her? They were from different departments, liked different things and dressed nothing alike. Charlie always came to work looking more casual than professional and he always looked like the poster guy for professional. Castiel was starting to feel a little discouraged. Maybe he wasn't meant to be friends with Charlie; he couldn't even have a proper conversation with her.

       “So, how is everything with that guy that was texting you?” She asked suddenly. The guy that was texting him? Castiel remembered the short conversation they had about Dean before. Did that count as a proper conversation? Were they already friends?

       “Dean.” Castiel reminded her. He was sure he had told her his name.

      “Dean.” She repeated.

      “I'm not sure.” Castiel decided it was best to be honest and tell Charlie about his situation; she already knew enough since he spoke to her last time. He might as well continue to be frank with her and maybe they would be able to eat lunch together more often. “He helped my brother move in.”

      “That's nice of him.” Charlie nodded and looked like she knew something Castiel didn't. It was possible since he was sure everyone knew something someone else didn't.

      “We go out for a few drinks now and then.” Castiel mentioned and suddenly Charlie looked very interested. This must be the good start Dean talked about once. “He drinks. I just keep him company.”

      “And?” She wanted more? Castiel thought to himself about their time spent at the Roadhouse. What else could he say about it?

      “We talk a bit but for the most part we just sit there.” Castiel shrugged. He couldn't find anything interesting about their meetings but he suppose he would tell her everything that happens. “Talk about work and family and when that is all done we just don't talk.”

      “Wow.” She looked stunned for some reason. Castiel hoped it wasn't for something bad. “That's really boring.”

      Was it really boring? Castiel looked down. Maybe it was boring. He knew this certainly wasn't the most interesting topic but he was being honest. It was always important to be honest. Sure, Dean and he didn't do anything amazing at the bar but they still had fun. At least, Castiel thought they did.

      "For some reason, I enjoy it.” Castiel admitted a little nervous about how Charlie would think of him.

      “And that's love.” She didn't pick on him or make him feel uncomfortable. She just smiled softly and nodded as if she understood. She knew how he felt about Dean but she, also, knew he and Dean weren't together. She did say she had gone through such things before. Maybe she knew what he could do next.

      “What should I do?”

      “Well, have you told Dean how you feel?”

       “No.” That was out of the question. There was no way Castiel could even bring himself to do that. He had already gone through so much disappointment, he didn't need to add outright rejection to the list.“I can't.”

       “Still afraid?”

       “I don't know.” Then again, Dean had been behaving much differently lately. Castiel even felt like he may have been flirting with him. Also, that night he had spent with him still stayed in his mind. The way Dean had been so close to him and wasn't shy to slip under the covers. “I'm confused. He hasn't said anything but he left so quickly that morning.”

       “That morning?” Charlie was confused. She had every right to be confused. Castiel had forgotten he had been thinking not talking. She didn't know a thing about the night Dean had spent the night. “You had a sleepover?”

       “He just needed a place to sleep.” Castiel explained. “Nothing happened.”

       “Oh, he slept on the couch or something?”

       “No, he slept in my bed.”

       “Well, now.” Charlie laughed a little and gave Castiel a look that clearly meant she thought there was more than just sleeping going on.

       “It's not that strange; we use to do it when we were younger.” Castiel tried to get her to see that the whole thing had been harmless but she kept giving him that look. It was harmless. Well, sort of. Maybe. Castiel sighed. “You know what I mean.”

       “Well, I guess it means nothing.” Charlie shrugged but she didn't look like she was convinced. It wasn't like Castiel could blame her. He too was having a hard time believing what had happened was completely normal. “Two men fully dressed in a bed isn't stra-” She stopped when she noticed Castiel's slight change in expression. He never really understood the art of reading people and he never really could tell when a person changed their expression for just a second; he was always clueless to how others were in that sense. However, Charlie was apparently an expert. The moment he slightly flinched at her words, her eyes widened in shock. “You weren't fully dressed?”

       “Dean was, um, unclothed.” Castiel admitted shyly looking down at his lap.

       “WELL NOW.” Charlie laughed loudly shaking her head slightly.

       “I get how it looks.”

      “Oh, no you don't.” She said pointing at him. “If you did you would have confessed to him already.”

      “He doesn't like me like that.”

      “Cause every straight man slides under the sheets with his best friend naked.” She had a point. Castiel was sure she was right. He didn't have a lot of friends but even he knew that wasn't normal. If it had been Benny, he was sure that sort of thing would never have happened. If it did, he was sure he would have jumped out of the bed immediately. Just thinking of Benny that way made Castiel a little sick. It wasn't that he wasn't attractive but it was Benny. He was like a brother. If he felt that way, then if Dean saw him as a brother, wouldn't that mean he wouldn't have come under the blankets naked. After all, who wants to share the bed naked with a friend? But then again, it wasn't like he had any clothes to change into.

      “It's so confusing.” Castiel groaned and placed his head in his hands.

      “Okay. I won't press the subject anymore but you need to get in there and tell him how you feel.”

      “I understand.” Castiel nodded. The only way to get answers was to confess but could he really do it? The rest of the lunch was eaten over Charlie talking about her experience at Comic Con. Castiel didn't know what this Comic Con was but he did like the stories she told. They sounded exciting.

      Charlie brought up a lot of good points during their lunch. Castiel had found them distracting when he returned to work. His mind was filled with what ifs and wondering what intentions Dean had. He really wish he could understand Dean better than he did. Sure, he had been friends with him since Kindergarten but apparently, it wasn't enough to truly understand him. He wished he was better at understanding people like Benny was. Benny. He'd know what Dean was trying to do. Benny was always keen to understanding people. It was a shame he never pursued psychology.

      “Things are pretty hectic right now with people getting off of work and all.” Benny told him the moment he picked up the phone. Every time he called Benny, he could hear plates clacking in the background and people talking. He always seemed so busy. Running a diner must be tough work. “You off work right now?”

      “I thought I'd spend some more time going over some paperwork.” Castiel was always working just like Benny but felt that his work was nothing compared to the fast pace work of a diner.

      “Wow.” Benny chuckled as if there wasn't so much going on behind him. “You are one hard worker. You need to take a break.”

     It was funny that Benny was telling him to take a break. He never had a day that he called that Benny wasn't working. He doubted that he even got that much sleep. Castiel really wished he would take his own advice and take a break. But that was Benny. Benny always worried more about other people and less about himself. Even now when things sounded busy at the diner, he was still humoring him and taking time to talk to him on the phone.

      “I would but Dean isn't answering his phone and he hadn't texted me all day.” Castiel finally said after a small sigh.

      “He texted me.” Benny said offhandedly but then immediately spoke again.“It's probably nothing.”

      So, it wasn't that he was busy. Dean had all the time in the world to text Benny but couldn't text Castiel once? Castiel didn't know how he felt about that. Part of him was telling himself that it wasn't a problem because maybe Benny texted him first but the other part was telling him that he didn't mean as much to Dean as Benny did. Castiel shook his head. He didn't want to think about that.

      “How's the diner?”

      “Busy as all hell.” Benny told him with a chuckle. He took things so easy but that was what made him so easy to talk to. “Oh, you wouldn't believe who I saw the other day.”

      “Who?” Castiel wondered who Benny could have seen down in Louisiana. It wasn't like many of his old classmates had ventured down there. However, Benny did ask him to guess so it was probably someone he knew. Was it Victor? He moved to Virginia and that was the beginning of the south and Louisiana's in the south, albeit deep south. It was nearby, right? Sort of. Well, it would be one hell of a drive but maybe Victor wanted to see Benny.

      “Ephraim.” Ephraim? Castiel was so shocked he didn't know what to say. That was the last person he would have thought Benny would have seen and remembered. He was probably silent for too long because Benny decided to remind him who Ephraim was as if he didn't know. “You know, your ex.”

      “How is he?” The last memory he had of Ephraim was when he was moving away and they decided to break up. He didn't move to Louisiana, if Castiel remembered correctly, but he couldn't seem to remember where he had moved to.

       “He's married to some guy in Vermont.” Benny explained but didn't say a word about why he was in Louisiana or how he found Benny's diner. Maybe it was a business trip and Benny's diner was in a busy part of town. Castiel could believe it. It always sounded busy in there. “Has a cute little kid too. Very polite. He asked about you.”

      “I'm sure you said nothing but nice things.”

      “He wondered if you and Dean were still together.”

      “What?” Castiel didn't understand why he would even ask that. They were just friends especially when he was dating Ephraim. He would never had cheated on him, he had to of known that. When they broke up, it was only because he felt they couldn't handle long distance. Phone calls and letters through the mail wasn't going to be enough. It wasn't because of Dean. Right? “We were never-”

      “Please, everyone could see you had a thing and Dean's not so far behind.”

      “That can't be true.” There was no way that he made it that obvious if Dean never really figured it out. Also, if Dean like him, how did he not notice? There was no way. Dean had Lisa back then and that was clear evidence that his heart was elsewhere.

      “When have I lied to you?” Benny asked him and Castiel had to give him that. Benny wasn't a liar. He may say he can't say certain things but he would never flat out lie to him. “Look, I got get back to my diner. Just think about it, will you?”

      Conveniently, Benny left right after that. Castiel sat alone in his office wondering about the possibilities. Just to give Benny's suggestion a chance, he thought about the possibility of Dean liking him in high school. Maybe it would explain why he was so determined to ruin his relationship with Ephraim. He could have been jealous but why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he come after him once he and Ephraim broke up? Why did he stay with Lisa? It didn't make any sense.

      Work made sense. Numbers made sense. It was much more calming to see familiar patterns and use the same equations over and over. He liked his job. It was predictable and rarely did anything cause an emotional response. For the most part, emotions were not needed in his office. All that mattered was that the numbers made sense and they usually always did. Even when they didn't, they still made more sense than Dean.

      “Working this late?” There was a knock on the opened door that lead into his department. Crowley looked over at him across the dim room seeing him looking through the papers once more. It was always good to double check your work. “You pair of brothers are going to work yourselves to death.”

      “What can I do for you, Mr. Crowley?” Castiel dropped the papers on his desk and gave the CEO a tight smile. It wasn't that he hated the man; he just irritated him a lot. Also, he was dating his sister and that automatically made him put up defenses.

      “Please, quit the formalities, Sparkles.” Again with the Sparkles. Castiel wished he would just call him by name. “We're practically family.”

      Family? It is true that Naomi and Crowley were going to get married in the near future but until that day came, they were not family. Castiel would rather not associate with him on any level other than strictly professional. The man gave him a weird vibe and always looked like he was calculating something in his head. Not to mention the blatant disregard to professionalism when he addressed Castiel always with some silly nickname. He was glad no one was present at this time at night. It would be embarrassing if they over heard.

      “The board makes their decision tomorrow.” Crowley mentioned after a moment of silence. “There's going to be a vote to who takes over.”

      “I'm not part of the board nor am I being considered. Why are you telling me?”

      “Because Michael is going to be very stressed out and will probably need his favorite brother by his side.” That was why he came because he cared about Michael's well being? Crowley always liked Michael in a strictly business sense but there was no need to care about his welfare. Perhaps it was because he was engaged to Naomi. Or maybe he had grown fond of Michael over the years of working together. Castiel didn't know which one it was but he was suddenly seeing Crowley in a new light. He wasn't as bad as he thought he was; the man had a heart. “Now let me go before all these nice, fluffy feelings you are probably having right now get on me.”

      “Have a nice night, sir.” Castiel said with a soft smile. Crowley rolled his eyes but then smiled wickedly.

      “I will.” He waved his phone in front of him. “Naomi's waiting for me.”

      Castiel wasn't sure what he meant by that but he supposed he was better off not knowing about some things where Crowley was concerned. Michael said the man was strange and a bit vulgar. It was best he didn't think so much about it.

      When he finished off with his work, he called Michael to see how he had been. He couldn't find him at his office and was a little curious where his brother had run off to. Michael sounded tired on the phone and gave him directions to a restaurant. Castiel was pretty hungry so he decided to give his brother some company. What he didn't expect was to find Lucifer also eating there.

      “Come join us.” Lucifer called out as if Castiel had anywhere else to sit. “We already got a menu for you.”

      Michael didn't seem that stressed as Crowley had put it. Perhaps their boss didn't anticipate Michael having another brother with him. They talked civilly the entire night which was something Castiel could never imagine. Muriel was back at home resting with her grandparents watching over her. So, they were free to enjoy the night. It was nice having his brothers not arguing every few seconds. It made Castiel even forget all of his worries. Just for tonight, they would just chat and enjoy the evening.

     That morning, Michael was announced as the new CEO. It had been close but ultimately, the board saw Michael's hard work and potential. Castiel couldn't have been prouder. Lucifer showed up later at the job to congratulate Michael and take him out to lunch. Castiel wanted to go but saw them deep in a conversation and decided he wouldn't be in the way. They had a lot of catching up to do. He hoped that he could have lunch with Charlie again. He was really excited but was unsure if she would come to his office again or was she going to go to the cafeteria. While he wondered what he should do, his phone started ringing. _Strange_. He thought. Who would call him at this time?

     “Get off work. I'm outside.” Dean told him once he picked up the phone. “We got a ride ahead of us.”

     “What are you doing?” Castiel was confused. Why would Dean call him at this time? He still had work to be done and sure it was his lunch break but lunch breaks could only go up to an hour. He can't just abandon everything and run off with Dean. Though, it was very tempting.

      “I'm making things right.” Dean told him which Castiel knew he couldn't resist. Making things right. He longed to do that himself. He had to say how he felt just like Charlie and Benny were suggesting. He had to see what Dean thought of him. He had no idea where they were going, how long they were going to be out, or what Dean was even talking about but he needed to go. He needed to be brave and tell Dean today how he felt. That would be the only way to make things right in his mind. He guessed he would eat with Charlie some other day.

     Dean didn't tell him where he wanted to take him. He just kept trying to convince Castiel to come with him. If it wasn't Dean asking him to take this leap of faith, Castiel wouldn't have got in the car. He wouldn't have left his work without a word to his employer and just escape to an unknown destination. He would have asked more questions instead of just accepting that it was to be a surprised. He certainly wouldn't be in the car for a whole hour without saying a word and just stealing glances at Dean's face to see if he could figure out where they were going. Dean didn't say much either and the whole situation was suspicious.

      They entered a familiar area and Castiel wanted to say something about it. He wanted to ask questions but he didn't. They had been silent the entire ride and he was afraid to speak up and fill the void. It wasn't until he saw a Ferris wheel in the distance that he finally understood where their destination was. Dean smiled when they passed the state fair sign and entered the parking lot.

      “Welcome, to the State Fair, Cas.” He told him looking a little nervous. “I'm sorry our first time was so shitty. Maybe we can forget that one and make this the first time.”

      “Dean.” Castiel wasn't sure what to say. He felt overwhelmed by everything he was feeling at the moment. He couldn't quite understand the wave of emotions he was currently feeling. He was certainly confused, surprised and even excited. He was, also, very touched by the gesture but worried that he would think too much of it. Was he allowed to think too much of this gesture? He didn't know. He didn't even know how to respond but he couldn't help the small smile that graced his lips. “You idiot.”

      Dean paid for them to enter and refused to allow Castiel to pay for anything. It wouldn't bother Castiel so much if he didn't think his usefulness to Dean was always about how rich he was. It wasn't something he thought a lot about but it did cross his mind before. Castiel just didn't know what he could offer Dean besides his wealth. He didn't think he had much of anything his friend would even like but here he was being told he couldn't pay for anything. So, what was his usefulness then?

      They rode rides. Rides Castiel never tried before but was very willing to experience with Dean. Many were the same rides he had seen as a teen but never was able to ride because of the unhappy circumstances. They tried out strange food like fried Oreos or alligator meat; the latter was definitely different from what Castiel had imagined but he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing. Dean didn't play nearly as many games as he had when they were teens and he was trying to impress Lisa. However, he did play one after Castiel noticed that there was a teddy bear missing one eye and no one would want that one. He mentioned it was sad the bear would never be chosen by anyone and sort of wanted it but didn't want to bother Dean about it. Apparently, his desire was noticeable because Dean immediately made his way to the game and told the guy he would play for it. The guy was willing to just sell it to him but Dean wanted to win it properly, Castiel found himself very moved by the gesture.

      It took a while but Dean was able to win him that broken teddy bear and Castiel didn't know what to do but smile like an idiot.

      Was it wrong to imagine that this was a date? Was it wrong for Castiel to hope there was more to this than just a friendly apology? He didn't even know why Dean cared about making up for something so long ago but it was Dean; he always cared so much about things like that. That was why he loved him so much. Castiel really hoped there was something more here but was so afraid to even think about it. He didn't want this new first time to become just as bad as the real first time.

      They wondered about the fair checking things out and finding more than what was there before. Castiel wasn't sure why but it seemed the fair had grown so huge over the years. There were attractions he had never seen before or maybe it was because he wasn't paying attention back then. It just seemed there were more things to enjoy than ever before. Then, there was the Ferris wheel.

      Castiel remembered the stupid idea he had when he first came to the fair those many years ago. He foolishly thought he and Dean were going to be the only ones there. Also, that stupid dream of him and Dean riding the Ferris wheel together was just that; a stupid dream. In the end, Dean probably rode it with Lisa but that didn't matter anymore. It was a new time and though it was the same place it felt different. Besides, Castiel still yearned to ride the ride with Dean but he probably couldn't.

       “I always wanted to ride it but it's weird with two guys.” He mentioned not really expecting Dean to say anything about it. Maybe Dean would just nod or shrug and they'll move on.

      “Why is it weird?” Dean asked and grabbed Castiel by the hand. “Let's go.”

       For a moment, Castiel almost froze on the spot. Dean had to tug him twice to get him to move towards the Ferris wheel. They were going to ride it together? Didn't Dean think that was strange or was there something more? Castiel could feel the pressure in his chest. He could feel hope rising in him and he wasn't sure if he could suppress it this time. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to.

      “Sorry for everything again.” Dean said the moment they were secure in their compartment. It was rather spacious and there was a small bench on either side. It was much different than he imagined. “I wasn't a real friend back then and I lost sight of what really matters.”

       “Well, you were a true friend in the end, Dean.” Castiel assured him. “That's what really matters.”

      “Not really.” Dean shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “I didn't bring you here as a friend.”

      “What do you mean?” Did he not want to be friends anymore? Was this like a final farewell? No. No, that couldn't be. Then what could he have meant?

      “I'm not good with things like this, Cas.” Dean looked down at his hands as a small blush appeared on his cheeks. Castiel found himself hugging his teddy bear tightly. He knew it wasn't right to be anticipating and hoping Dean would say what he had wanted him to say for so long but he couldn't help it. He gulped and watched as Dean took a deep breath and spoke again. “I know you like me so, uh me too?”

       He liked him. He LIKED him. Castiel didn't need him to spell it out for him anymore because even though it was a small word, like, he knew what Dean meant. He felt a little light headed with the news. Dean actually did feel something for him. All this time, he had spent so long yearning and being disappointed time and time again. But now, Castiel couldn't even describe the sensation that had overtook his body. He couldn't even understand why his eyesight got slightly blurry or why his chest felt like it was full to the brim.

      “You mean it?” It was all he could utter and was said so softly, he thought Dean wouldn't even hear it.

      “Cas, do I look like the sort of guy-” Dean wasn't able to finish speaking because Castiel couldn't take it any longer. He wrapped his arms around him as tightly as he could hiding his face in Dean's shoulder. He wanted to laugh, cry and possibly do things that would get him kicked off the ride for sure but for now, Castiel just held Dean close. Dean chuckled a little. “I was expecting a bit more than just a hug to be honest.”

        Kissing Dean now felt different from before. Now with them both in complete control over themselves, the experience was more intense and Castiel felt like he could feel Dean all around him. He didn't want any of this to end. This was like something straight out of his dreams. In high school, he would frequently imagine this very scenario and here he was truly living it. He couldn't believe Dean liked him back. He couldn't believe he wouldn't have to suffer alone any longer.

        “The ride's over boys.” He heard after a while but didn't really understand until he heard the voice speak again. “Ugh. They're as bad as kids.”

       “That's disgusting.” A woman's voice spoke and it was then Castiel realized, the Ferris ride was over. There was a couple waiting to get inside and Dean gave the lady in the couple a look.  She was the one that had that odd outburst. She looked down a bit guiltily but said nothing. Castiel looked between her guilty look and Dean's smile as satisfaction and just shook his head.

       “Let's go home, Dean.” He said as he grabbed his teddy bear and exited the ride.

        “I thought you were having fun.” Dean looked a little panicked. It was as if he thought he had done something wrong and Castiel couldn't help but smile at the thought. Dean was really trying his best to make today special for him and that really made him feel warm inside.

        “I'll have more fun at home.” Castiel explained and leaned closer to him. “I bought supplies after that night you stayed over.”

        It was embarrassing but it was true and after all these years, Castiel was hoping that there would be more to be happy about today than just a few kisses. Now that he knew that Dean returned his feelings, he couldn't hold back any longer. He was going to take this opportunity to finally be with Dean the way he always wanted. Dean's face brightened immediately with a blush that extended to his ears and neck. Castiel never knew he could even get that red.

        “Home it is.” Dean grabbed his hand and immediately hurried through the crowd as if he was on a mission. Castiel almost laughed at the sight of Dean being equally determined to get home quickly. This was definitely going to be a day he would never forget.

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Reccomendation: From This Moment - Shania Twain ft. Bryan White (1997)

        That morning, Castiel couldn't determine if the events of yesterday really took place. It was everything he ever wanted and dreamed about which was what was making him nervous. What if it really was a dream? Castiel supposed his backside wouldn't be as sore as it was at the moment if everything they had done wasn't real. It was the first time he was glad to have a bit of pain.

        A flush alerted him he was not alone in his room. The door swung open to reveal a rather awake and nude Dean. Castiel could see all the marks he placed on his tanned skin the other night. If he remembered correctly, Meg ran away in terror when she saw them in the living room kissing. That left the rest of the evening for them and them alone.

       Dean bent over and grabbed his underwear from the floor. Castiel couldn't help but think it was a shame. He was admiring how well time and working as a mechanic had sculpted Dean's body. It was a work of art. Dean looked up at him with a smirk as if he knew exactly what Castiel was thinking.

       “Good morning.” He leaned over and kissed Castiel on the cheek. It was so innocent but it made Castiel blush in response. The whole action just screamed relationship and he couldn't help but smile at the thought that this was real. He and Dean were together now. This was real.

       Good morning, Dean.” He stuttered immediately regretting how lame he sounded at that moment. Dean didn't seem to notice or if he did, he didn't make a comment about it. Instead, he just smiled at him genuinely and nodded.

       “Wait here.” He told him. “I'm gonna make you some pancakes.”

       “Oh, what have I done to deserve you?” Castiel had to admit he still felt sleepy and his body ached. He wasn't really up for leaving the bed any time soon. He would just wait for the pancakes to be ready. He rolled into the covers and snuggled his face into his pillows. “Put blueberries in mine.”

      “Get your ass up.” Dean chuckled but Castiel just groaned in response.

       “No.” He tried wrapping more blankets around him, lifting his hips to gather more blankets beneath him. He hadn't really thought how it would look to Dean until he felt a small smack to his sore bottom. Looking back, he saw Dean smiling at him and he felt betrayed. “Dean!”

      “You had it sticking in the air.” Dean laughed as Castiel groaned and finally, emerged from his blanket cocoon. “I'm gonna make those pancakes. You better be up when I'm done.”

       Castiel wasn't really a morning person. Not when he was sore and without coffee. He slowly took a shower and slowly got dressed. Every moment he spent getting ready, he kept thinking about how warm his bed was and how nice it would be to be back on it. However, he could smell the pancakes and he knew Dean was waiting for him. Also, he had work.

       He was fixing his tie, the best he could while tired, when he entered the kitchen. Dean slid him a cup of coffee just the way he liked it. There were perks from being best friends for so long; Dean had him all figured out. Castiel smiled and nodded his thanks. His pancakes did have blueberries in them and it seemed Dean used one of Meg's whip creams. She wasn't going to be happy about that but the pancakes were delicious.

      There wasn't much talk aside from flirting. Dean was on full flirt mode from the beginning and Castiel wasn't sure how to respond. He had never felt so wanted before. He had had past relationships and some were very nice but he never really felt for them what he felt for Dean. So, even though they wanted him, he never felt this excited about the whole idea. He found himself unable to flirt back effectively. He kept stuttering and looking so obviously lame. He couldn't help it! They were together! Castiel couldn't even believe it; it was like a dream. So, of course, he was having a hard time acting normal.

       After he finished eating, Dean picked up his plate and gave him a look that made him not argue to help. Apparently, Dean was in his element. Castiel checked his watch. He was amazed he wasn't even late with how slowly he got up. He supposed breakfast did go by rather fast. Sighing, he reluctantly got out of his chair and grabbed his briefcase.

       “Work today?” Dean walked over to him and fixed his tie. Castiel couldn't help but smile and blush a bit at the action.

       “Every week day.” He somehow managed to say.

       “Where's my kiss?” Dean smiled at him cheekily and Castiel forgot what words were. Dean was patient though. He just stood there and shrugged when Castiel cleared his throat.

       “What is this?” Castiel tried his best to seem composed. He wanted to look like he wasn't about to leap at every opportunity to taste Dean like a love sick puppy. He heard Victor say it a lot in high school: Play it cool. “Are you becoming domestic already?”

       “I made you pancakes.” Dean chuckled and Castiel just couldn't argue with that logic.

      His morning was perfect and Castiel couldn't just pretend he didn't have a great start. Charlie noticed immediately that he was in a good mood and was able to guess that Dean was the cause of it. Castiel didn't lie about and Charlie punched his shoulder and told him he was awesome. Castiel didn't know why she punched him but he was so happy, he didn't even care. She told him sometimes a little bit of courage could go a long way. She wasn't wrong but it wasn't he who made the first move. If Dean hadn't been courageous, Castiel would probably still be sulking at his desk every morning.

       That lunch, Castiel decided Charlie was right. A little bit of courage was all he needed. Gathering up some of his things, Castiel decided it was time to eat in the cafeteria. It was his greatest fear; something he never had to experience before college: Standing awkwardly in the front of the cafeteria wondering where to sit. Should he sit on his own and hope Charlie would come up to him or should he be bold and try to sit near her since they've had lunch before together. Maybe he should find his brother and just eat in his office with him but part of him felt he wouldn't be there that afternoon. No, he had to face this cafeteria on his own. He could do it.

       Suddenly, out in the middle of this intimidating crowd of people in front of him, he saw a hand waving frantically. Was someone trying to signal to him or someone behind him. He remembered how embarrassed he felt before when he would wave at someone and, of course, they weren't even waving at him. Was this like that?

      Cautiously, Castiel approached the person to find it was Charlie and she was waving at him! With a smile, she gestured to the seat in front of her. She was sitting with a few other techs from work and strangely enough, the seat in front was still empty. It was almost like she had been saving it but Castiel couldn't imagine why.

      “Thank you, Charlie.” Castiel said as he sat down. Charlie just shook her head with a smile.

       “Please.” She told him.“What are you thanking me for? It was obvious you were going to sit here. You think I'd let some other person snatch away my best friend?”

      Best friend? They were friends? Castiel didn't know what to do with himself. This day just kept getting better and better. He finally had a friend at work and he was finally feeling comfortable. He had a boyfriend, a friend and a family that was no longer torn apart. Everything was going so perfect and he couldn't help but smile at the thought of it all.

       “I suppose not.” He finally said and begun eating the lunch he brought. He didn't even remember the taste of his sandwich because he was too busy thinking about how fortunate he was.

       He didn't stay and work overtime that day. Every other day, he would work himself to death but not now. Now he had someone waiting for him back at home and he couldn't wait to get back there. Hopefully, Dean hadn't left already. He might have but the sooner he got home the sooner he could call him. In fact, he should probably text him now and see where he was. If he wasn't at the apartment, they could probably meet up some place to eat. He looked up at the fancy restaurant next to his work building. Lots of people ate lunch there at his work but it definitely wasn't Dean's style. He'd have to think of some other place. Before he could look back down at his phone, the door opened at the restaurant and a familiar face looked straight at him.

      “Hannah.” Castiel was confused. The hospital that she worked at wasn't near his work place at all. What was she doing here?

      "Castiel, what are you doing here?”

       “I work nearby.” Castiel pointed at his work building. Hannah knew where he worked; why was she so surprised to see him? “This is a nice restaurant. Very highly rated. Did you just finish eating?”

       “Well, yes.” She answered awkwardly and looked like she wanted to escape. What was going on? Castiel didn't have to wonder for long as the door opened again and a man exited to the building. Castiel had to admit that he almost didn't recognize the man at first. He had seen pictures in Dean's house but he had never been there when Castiel was there. For the most part, Dean and Castiel met at the Roadhouse anyway and he was never present. It seemed strange since he was around all summer and could have said hello at any moment but there was still that awkwardness.

       “I'll get the car around, you wait here.” Sam was saying before he noticed Castiel. He froze the moment their eyes met. “Cas.”

       “How about I get the car?” Hannah was visibly uncomfortable. She looked a little unsure as well but left them both to stare at each other. Sam had grown. He was much taller than Castiel expected and the pictures he saw barely did him any justice.

      “Hello, Sam.” Castiel found his voice after a while. It seemed to do something because Sam relaxed visibly and smiled softly.

       “You know.” He said. “You and Dean have been hanging around lately and I haven't even had a chance to say hey.”

      “Hey.” Castiel felt lame saying that but Sam chuckled in response.

      “Hey.” He mimicked. “It's good seeing you.”

      “You and Hannah are dating?” Castiel didn't know why he didn't know about this. Perhaps it was because he was too worried about what Dean was doing and then there was Lucifer coming home and work. He supposed he was too busy to notice his older sister finding someone to be with as well.

      “Ah, yes.” Sam blushed a little and looked down. He seemed a bit embarrassed but there was such a happy smile on his face. Castiel could tell he was serious and probably really loved his sister. That was good. Hannah deserved love just like anyone else and Sam was a good man. “She and I are together. I heard that you and Dean are together, right?”

      “Yes.” It was Castiel's turn to be a little shy. “I'm sure we will see each other often.”

     “We are double the family.”

     “What?” Double the family? What did that mean?

     “You know. I'm dating your sister. You are dating my brother. Twice over brother in laws.” Sam explained rocking a bit uncomfortably on his feet.

     “I suppose so.” Castiel chuckled lightly and nodded. They were family. They always were in a way. So, why was this still so awkward? Castiel recalled the last time they truly spoke. He remembered when Sam left his room in tears. Maybe. He still felt a bit guilty. “I'm sorry. You know a long time ago.”

     “No, you were right.” Sam nodded and finally looked him in the eyes. “I was confused but I did care about you. I still do. I mean, we're family.”

      Then Sam did something Castiel didn't expect at all. He walked towards him and wrapped his arms around him tightly. Castiel froze in shock. He wasn't sure what was going on? Did Sam forgive him? Was this forgiveness? While he was trying to figure out the meaning of Sam's embrace, he heard a chuckle next to his ear.

      “This is where you hug back.” Sam told him causing Castiel to slowly embrace him back. The rumble of a car sounded nearby but Castiel wasn't sure if he was suppose to let go yet. This was becoming awkward again, wasn't it?

      “Should I leave you two alone?” Hannah's voice made Sam push away quickly. It was kind of amusing seeing him do that. Hannah stood, outside the car by the sidewalk, staring at them with some kind of amusement of her own.

      “No. We're good.” Sam told her and nodded to Castiel. Castiel wasn't sure what they were nodding about but he nodded as well.

      "Should I be jealous?” Hannah laughed looking between them both. Sam shook his head and walked over to her side. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders he smiled down at her genuinely.

      “I think you know the answer to that.” With that he entered the driver's seat and she the passengers. They were laughing when they finally drove away. Castiel was glad they found each other.

      Today was going pretty well even with the awkwardness of that meeting. They would get better. Castiel was sure he would see Sam more often and it would soon be like they never had that incident between them. Seeing how Sam truly seemed to care for his sister was enough to know they wouldn't be awkward forever. With a sigh, he decided to text Dean before he went to his car.

       'Where are you? Did you go home?' His phone seemed to vibrate immediately after he sent the message.

      'Come see.' Come see? Come see what? What was Dean even talking about? Did he want him to go home and see if he was still there?

      'Come see where?' Castiel decided to ask before he drove home only to find Dean not there. Even though it wasn't that long of a drive, he could walk there if he wanted to, he wasn't going to waste gas if he didn't need to.

      'Remember where we met?'

      How could Castiel forget the first time he saw Dean. He remembered clearly the woods by his old elementary school. He remembered those bullies that he would later find were in his brother Gabriel's class. He remembered the old scary shed that was supposedly haunted. He was pretty sure now that he was older that it wasn't haunted at all but that shed was huge and horrible looking. Even without the ghosts, Castiel wasn't looking forward to seeing it again.

      Memories were funny. They are what makes up people and what people look back time and time again to think back to good and bad times. However, sometimes they can change or be exaggerated. It isn't hard to make a memory different. Castiel knew that. He learned that in his psychology class he had to take. So, it shouldn't have surprised him the old shack wasn't as huge and scary as he remembered. It was actually just an old shack. It looked like maybe four adults could stand in there but no more than that. He noticed Dean sitting on a large rock by the shed staring at it.

       “What are you doing here?”

       “It's still there, Cas.” Dean told him looking back at him with excitement in his eyes. Why was he so excited about an old shed still being there?

       Castiel looked back at the shed and wondered about it. In his memories, he never really had a color for the shed but now he could see it was a dull red color and the paint seemed to be chipping away. There was a hole on it's roof and the door to enter it was slanted barely holding on to its hinges.

       “Let's go in.” Dean stood up brushing off the back of his jeans.

       “What?” Castiel was caught off guard. Why did Dean want to just walk in there. There was probably nothing in there of any importance.

       “Come on, Cas.” Dean chuckled and stretched out a hand to him. “I'll hold your hand if you're scared.”

       Castiel remembered the bullies trying to make them go in there. He remembered offering his hand to Dean but Dean not taking it. Well, they were interrupted that one time. Maybe if he waited a little longer, he would have been given that hand just like he was now. Then again, Mary had forced them to hold hands later. Castiel smiled at them memory. It all started with this shack. Maybe his love for Dean started here too. Castiel didn't know when he had begun loving Dean, he only knew when he realized it. Perhaps, he had loved him from the beginning. He'd like to think he did.

        “Alright.” Castiel grabbed his hand and sighed. “Fine.”

        The two walked towards the shed together hand and hand. Maybe there was something in that shack. Maybe there wasn't. What did it matter when he and Dean were going to face it together? They were going to face not only this but everything after wards the same way. Sometimes things are worth the wait and who knows maybe there was something new and exciting in that shed. Castiel didn't care if there wasn't because the warmth of Dean's hand was just the same as he remembered. Yes, he waited a long time for this but some things were definitely worth the wait.

 


End file.
